Chapter 35

I went back to school on Thursday, the second of January. Shirley and I had talked a lot in the few days remaining of my break from school. We had both expressed a desire for us to remain together as a couple. We had exchanged many loving thoughts, and had each reaffirmed that our deep caring for the other was intact. We had held each other a lot, and had even kissed quite a bit, but none of this was done with any real, honest, passion. There was too much that was still unresolved between us. Something was missing, and we both recognized what it was. Continuing trust in the strength of our joint commitment to this relationship.

Mama had said that we could change the words we had spoken. We had tried to do that. Even after rephrasing what we had said to each other, couching it in less incendiary words, we were both left with deep differences in our core beliefs. I needed more assurance than Shirley was willing to give. I needed her trust and some promise of future understanding. She believed I could just control all my thoughts, and my bodily reactions. In fact, she really believed I wouldn't have had these thoughts and reactions, in the first place, not if I truly cared about her. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't a head or a heart reaction I'd had when I was in Brenda's presence. I also told her that I hadn't been the one who was seeking out Brenda. I certainly hadn't been trying to put myself in a location where I'd simply have to see her, which is what Shirley believed.

We didn't fight, or yell at each other. There really wasn't that much outward emotion being displayed while we patiently discussed these things that had separated us. In the end results coming from all this talking, it didn't seem to matter how reasonable we both had been. Nothing got resolved between us. We began, oh so hopefully, determined to work things out. From the start, we both expected to emerge from our talks, even closer than we were before the rift got started. After four days of trying to put things back the way they had been, both of us reluctantly agreed that it was going to be impossible for us to do that. We concluded that we were each fixed in our separate positions, and neither of us could see how we could build a relationship from there, not without a willingness for at least one of us to change. Both of us thought we were right, that the other one should change.

When I got back home again that Friday, Shirley wasn't waiting for me at my house. I went inside and phoned her, anxious to find out if she had come up with any new ideas. I wanted to see her, to be with her. I was disappointed that we hadn't worked things out, but I was still hopeful that what we already had, would somehow see us through until we were able to regroup, and forge ahead with our relationship again. To me, this was not anything that couldn't be worked through. We still had our love for each other.

On the telephone, Shirley seemed listless, very unenthusiastic. There was no energy or excitement coming from her end of the phone conversation. After a few minutes, I too began to wind down. I had already made several suggestions for things we might do together over the weekend, but each was met either with resistance or outright refusal. She said it was too cold for us to go for a drive. She didn't want to come over to my house, and she said she'd feel uncomfortable if I was to come over there, to hers.

"How am I supposed to come up with ideas for things for us to do, when you don't want to do anything, Shirley? Tell me what it is that you'd like us to do? Maybe I should just hang up and wait for you to call me? Will you call me, to let me know when you want us to get together again?"

"I'm just really tired right now from trying to think about this all the time, Kenny. If we did get together right now, we'd probably spend all our time talking about what's wrong with us. I need to try to find some answers for myself, ones that make sense to me. I don't want us to keep on going over the same things. That's what happens when we do get together, or when we talk on the phone."

"How are we supposed to find those answers, if we don't talk, or get together?"

"I don't know, but not the way we've been trying. I'm a little afraid now. I'm afraid I'll say something, and the same thing will happen to you again."

"All right, I understand. Don't give up on us, Shirley. I still love you as much as before. Maybe you're right about us taking some time. It's been very intense, trying to work out a solution for these things. Do you want me to wait until you call me?"

"I don't know what I want. You've already told me I can't have what I really wanted. I just know the way we are now isn't what I wanted. You talk about loving me, but then you keep on telling me I need to be different."

"I didn't say you needed to be different. I said the way things are right now, we were going to have the same kinds of problems later on. You don't believe what I've told you about Brenda."

"I believe you, I just don't like it. Why would just seeing her make you get a hard on? You wouldn't react like that, not if you didn't still have feelings for her."

"I don't know. I don't even know if it will happen the next time I see her. Call me, Shirley. I'm always going to love you, and I want to hear from you, whenever you decide you want to speak with me."

We said goodbye, and I put the receiver back down inside the phone cradle. I felt, for the first time, like I was hanging up on the Shirley part of my life.

Mama must have had a good idea of how my phone call to Shirley was going to turn out. She and Mrs. Jones had become good friends. I knew they were in close contact, and were both concerned about what Shirley and I were going through. Shirley sounded like she had given her decision a lot of thought. I felt a little guilty, knowing that a small part of what I felt was relief. I hadn't wanted to face a full weekend of more of those discussions, not when I felt like it would have led to no movement away from our currently held positions. I didn't want to just give up all hope though. There should have been a way. I still loved her.

Mama had been wrong about it just being words, or that once spoken, they could be taken back, and changed. The words themselves had produced changes in us both, and a marked shift in our relationship emphasis. Where before there had only been wonder and amazement about how great our love felt, now it had turned to doubt, and about us questioning whether our love would even survive. Doubt was now clouding every aspect of our future together. I had assumed we'd be together forever, and now, I didn't even know when Shirley and I would speak again, or even if we would.

Shirley and I hadn't made love in more than four weeks. This wasn't a problem, but it did point out how radical the shift had been for us. It hadn't even seemed important to me until after I hung up the phone, and I realized that it had been that long of a time for us. With the way things then stood, it looked like it was going to be longer, possibly, forever. That thought was chilling to me, the forever part. It brought home to me the seriousness of what Shirley and I were contesting. The stakes had been greatly raised by our conversation this time. I wondered if Shirley had any thoughts similar to the ones I was having. We might be talking about forever. How did we ever let it get to this point?

At dinner, later that evening, Mama didn't mention Shirley's name, not even once. Dad talked about his week at work, and Mama talked about the golf learning center. Both talked about the diamond earrings Uncle Bunny had purchased for Elizabeth for Christmas. Mama expressed a lot of concern that Uncle Bunny was going to do something foolish with Elizabeth. She kept bringing up their age difference, and the belief she had about Elizabeth being attracted only to Uncle Bunny's wealth, and his social position.

When I drove myself back to school on Sunday night, I felt less optimistic about everything. I'd been regretting everything that had happened since the night at the club. The night that had started everything. I didn't hear anything from Shirley during the week. When Friday came around again, I drove home, fully expecting to have another lonely time of it. I would have been right too, if it hadn't been for a surprise visit from Jane and Grace. It was a surprise to me at least, but I'm sure Mama had something to do in the timing and planning of it.

It was mid January, and the temperatures were cold, below freezing, usually down to the high teens, Fahrenheit, at night.That weekend it was very cold, and it snowed about three inches, overnight, on Saturday. The roads were icy all over the Bolling County area. We all stayed inside, playing some board games and watching movies on the VCR. I knew Mama had spoken to the girls about my problems, because Jane made several comments about things seeming more important when you're young, and about how time makes things better. I didn't say anything. I figured they were trying to give me an opening to talk about things with them if I wanted to. I didn't. I wanted to wait and see.

Jane and Grace had both done better than they had expected to in their first semester of college. Jane wanted to go into nursing, and Grace said she wanted to do something in business. With her views about labor and management, Dad suggested she might do better if she took a job with the government. Mama said that Uncle Bunny had a lot of good contacts at the County level, and she was sure he could help Grace find something nice after college.

I drove carefully back to school on Sunday, leaving an hour and a half early, just so I could drive slow, and still not worry about getting back late. Mama made me promise to call home as soon as I got safely back to my building at the academy. I didn't have any trouble getting back to the academy. I called home right away, and told Gerta that I made it back without a problem.

Shirley phoned me Wednesday evening at the school. She started off by telling me that she missed me, and had been thinking about me all the time. For the next ten minutes, she asked me more questions about Brenda. From the type of question she was asking, it sounded like she was trying to pinpoint what I liked about Brenda's looks. No matter what I'd answer, she'd make some comment that Brenda looked better than she did. Shirley and I both knew that ninety nine out of one hundred people would say that Brenda was better looking than Shirley. The other one would refuse to say only because they didn't believe in judging people by their looks, or something else like that. After about the Twentieth question, I decided I didn't want to continue in that vein.

"Shirley, I like the way you look, just fine. I like the kind of person you are even more. You're sweet, honest, kind, fun to be with, and the best kisser I've ever met. None of these questions make much sense to me, because you and Brenda aren't competing. If you were competing, you'd win with me, no question. It wouldn't take me half a second to decide. If you two were in a beauty contest, Brenda might win, but not if they judged the complete person. You're a complete person, she isn't."

"I'm a freak, Kenny. Guess how tall I am now?"

"I don't care. You're the perfect height for me, Shirley. You always will be."

"I'm six one and three quarters. I'm taller than you."

"I'm probably that tall too. Maybe you're a quarter inch taller, so what?"

"No one's going to want me."

"That's a lie. It's a lie you keep telling yourself, and it won't ever be true. I've wanted you ever since I first noticed you, when you were playing with Jane, Grace, and Denise. I don't know what else I can do to prove it to you."

"I meant besides you."

I felt instantly sick. I'm not sure how I managed to not spew my dinner all over the wall next to the phone. It was as bad as if she'd kicked me in the stomach.

"Oh. Well, maybe you should try Gary Carstairs then. He's only thirteen, but he's about six four or six five already."

"That's not what I meant." I didn't trust myself to speak. The feeling of nausea had passed, but I still felt shaken by what she'd said. "Did you hear me, Kenny?"

"I heard you. Listen, I'm really not in the mood to discuss Brenda, or who else might want you. It's obvious that you aren't in the mood to talk about us. I'm not the one for you to be talking to when you're upset because you're too tall to get another boyfriend. If I'm ever in the mood to talk about stuff like that, it will be too late for us to even talk about us. There won't be an us."

"Are you jealous?"

"Do you want me to be jealous?"

"Yes."

"I suppose jealousy is part of it, but it feels more like something else. I feel like you've given up on us, Shirley, like you've already decided you need to look elsewhere."

"Nobody else wants me."

"I'm sorry that troubles you. I really need to get back to my studies, Shirley. Thank you for calling me. I don't believe you're right about nobody else wanting you. You keep looking, I'm sure you'll find someone."

"Do you think I should start looking?"

"You already have."

"Maybe you're right. Are you going to be all right, Kenny?"

"I'm not sure. I'm not as all right as I was half an hour ago, but I don't think things are going to be as bad as they were before. Don't call the house and worry my mother, all right? What happened to me before really scared her. I'll be all right. If you ever need to talk, Shirley, you can still call me."

I made it back to my room, and went to sleep without getting ready for the next day's classes. Thursday, I felt like I was walking around in a fog. I went to all my classes, and I managed to make it through the school day, without having my not being prepared be exposed. Friday, I was again prepared for class, but my attention wasn't really on any of my classes.

I got to my house before five o'clock. As soon as I went through the front door, I knew something bad had happened. There was a quiet in the house, and both my parents were in the living room, having gotten up as soon as I came walking through the front door. My first thought was something bad had happened to Shirley. Mama came hurrying towards me, with her arms reaching out to embrace me, and then she started crying, I was sure that was what it was.