Chapter 18

On the drive back to the house, my head was awash with thoughts and worries. I also felt a deep anger, one that was somewhat irrational, because my mother really hadn't known that I would pick that particular day to step back into her life. What wasn't irrational, was the anger I felt from knowing that both she and my grandmother had purposely abandoned me in a greedy bid for some undeserved insurance money. They had scammed an insurance carrier by purposely switching my identity with that of a dead child, counting on my head injury preventing me from correctly identifying myself to the authorities.

As soon as I walked in the door, Mama had me wrapped in one of her tight hugs. She was there for me, and she had never given me away. I hugged her back, telling her that I was sorry for causing her to worry. I saw Hans and Gerta peeking out of the kitchen door that led to the dining room. I waved to them and smiled, but, my mind was in such turmoil that I couldn't force myself to participate in the social obligations surrounding my return home.

I begged off from further conversation with Mama, telling her that I'd had a difficult day and needed to be alone. I saw Grace and Jane coming down the stairs, both of them acting surprised and pleased to see me again. Dad got me loose from needing to stay there to be greeted by everyone and having to answer more questions.

"Bertie, let Kenny go up and rest, He was just released from the hospital less than two hours ago, and his physician said he needs to lie down somewhere that's dark and quiet. If he's feeling better, we'll see him for dinner. There are also some startling developments that I can better explain to you in private." My mother seemed shocked and concerned when Dad mentioned my hospital stay, but when he used the phrase 'startling developments', my mother took a step backwards, looking at Dad rather than me. For my father to use that phrase, it had to be something startling. As a general rule, he tended to understate things rather than exaggerate them.

I excused myself and went up to my room. Inside, I sat down on my bed and tried to make sense and order of the things I'd learned, and of the three women most responsible for my being alive, and for the twelve years I'd spent at St. Cecelia's. The woman, Anne Coulter, that I'd seen slumped over in a drunken stupor, had thrown me away like some unwanted garbage. Her mother seemed even more callous. And yet, and this was the part I was having trouble accepting, they were both a part of me. The blood that ran through my veins was, in large part, theirs. I hated them both, but I wanted and needed to hear from them, everything they could tell me about my birth, and those lost first years of mine. The hate part had been festering from my first awareness in the orphanage. Somehow, I had always known that I had been thrown away. I had felt like I'd been discarded. It was one thing to feel like that, and quite another to find out it was true.

I didn't make it down for dinner. The phone rang several times, but I didn't answer it. There wasn't any point to my answering it. I had nothing I could say to anyone that would explain what I was experiencing. I didn't know it at the time, but Mama, Dad, and Uncle Bunny were all huddled together in the library, trying to figure out the best way for them to handle this situation for me. Uncle Bunny assured my parents that there were no legal claims that any of the Coulter's had on me. I had been a ward of the County, and my adoption had been approved and recorded in the County records. I might have some legal recourse against them, but Uncle Bunny doubted it was worth the time and trouble to pursue it.

I spent a restless night, unable to quiet my racing mind enough to really fall into any kind of sound sleep. I'd doze off for awhile, but then, I'd just snap back to full awareness when my mind started processing some of my unconscious thoughts. At seven the next morning, my phone rang again, and this time, I answered it. It was Gerta wanting to know if I felt well enough to come down for breakfast. She told me that she was alone in the kitchen, and that she'd be happy to make me anything I wanted to eat. I realized then just how hungry I was, and told her I'd throw on some clothes, and come right down.

Gerta wasted no time in letting me know that she already knew about me finding my real mother. "Kenny, forget her. You don't need to bother yourself about people who act like that. You belong here, with us, now. Bunny told me what happened to you yesterday. I should go over there and smack some good sense into that woman."

"Gerta, we don't know yet why she did it. Dad's taking me back there today to talk to her. I don't want anything from her, other than an explanation about why she did what she did."

"It doesn't matter why. You think she'd tell you the truth, Kenny? She'll just try to tell you some story so you'll feel sorry for her."

"Gerta, I have to go talk to her. I've wanted to do that for so long. I don't expect her to volunteer the truth, but, maybe, I can talk to her enough so that I can start to understand the kind of person she is. Yesterday, she didn't say anything. Her mother did all the talking. She tried to keep us from seeing my mother."

"SHE'S NOT YOUR MOTHER, KENNY, I AM!" I turned to see Mama standing by the door, a look on her face hard for me to describe. She seemed horrified that I'd referred to that other woman as my mother. I stood up and went to her and gave her a hard, tight, hug.

"I know that Mama. Don't you worry, because I know that, and I feel the same way as you do. You're my mother, but she's still something to me, biologically at least. She threw me away, and I need to find out why she did it."

"Let Bunny send over his investigator's, Kenny. That's what he recommends. After they find out everything, you'll be able to read their report, everything."

"I wish I could do that, Mama, but, I just can't. I need to be there in front of her, and hear the words from her own lips. I need to know what was more important to her than me. I won't be able to move on until I talk to her and find out some things."

Mama must have been able to see how serious and determined I was about this, because she sat down at the table and ordered up some coffee, and one of Gerta's German sweet rolls. I sat back down and waited for Gerta to serve Mama before starting on the breakfast I'd asked her for. I had half a pound of bacon and six eggs over easy. I also had four slices of buttered toast, and two big glasses of milk.