ACT ONE

Scene 1

(Because you wouldn't have guessed that the first scene was Scene 1.)

First Witch

When shall we three meet again?

In thunder, lightning, or in rain?

Second Witch

When the hurly-burly's done... wait just one minute. What kind of evil character actually says the words "hurly-burly," honestly?

Third Witch

Hey, you were supposed to say "when the battle's lost and won" so that I could say "that will be ere the set of sun." You've just ruined the rhyme scheme. Terrific.

First Witch

Why do we have to rhyme anyway? And why do we have to meet in bad weather anyway? This is murder on my hair. I just put this nice of Cream of Toad in.

Second Witch

It's all part of our evil image. We have to appear spooky.

First Witch

Why?

Second Witch

Because we're the evil masterminds! We have certain things we must do!

Third Witch

About that... I have been talking to the union recently, and there are no stipulations in my contract that require me to cackle every time I laugh, or to have these fake warts all over me. If I'm going to keep doing this, I'm going to need a raise.

Second Witch

Witches don't get raises! They don't have unions, and they always have warts!

First Witch

Why?

Second Witch

...

Third Witch

You know, we should get a holiday. I mean, we can't even take Christmas off. Something about Christians and not suffering witches to live. I think that's discrimination.

Second Witch

...

First Witch

Can we just say our lines and get out of here already? I heard something about some young girl killing witches over in Oz, and I want to go check it out.

Second Witch

Fine. On three... One, two, three...

ALL

Fair is foul, and foul is hair,

Hover through the fog and filthy air.

Scene Two

Trumpet sounding. Enter King (Duncan), Malcolm, Donalbain, Lennox, with Attendants, meeting a bleeding Captain.

Duncan

What bloody man is that? He can report, as seemeth by his plight, of the revolt the newest state.

Malcolm

Didn't we warn you about the royal speech thing? I mean, come on, a man is standing there covered in blood, looking like he is about to die, and you state the obvious in flowery language. Who talks like that? "As seemeth by his plight"... right. Get over the Yoda language and talk like a human being.

Duncan

Shut up. I am the king, I speak how I want to.

Malcolm

Sighing. Fine. The "bloody man" is a sergeant, who fought with me. Come on, sergeant, tell the king about the battle.

Captain

I'm a captain! I'm not called a bleeding captain for nothing you know! I work for years to become a captain, and here you are calling me a sergeant...

Malcolm

Why me? Fine, captain. Just get on with it!

Captain

Mutters. Not as if I'm hanging on by a thread or anything, you know, covered by blood and all... Clears throat.

We almost lost the battle. Macdonwald, who is really evil and all, was beating us. Then Macbeth cut him down his middle.

Duncan

Is that it? I kind of expected a long speech.

Captain

I am frigging covered in blood! What the hell did you expect, a fifteen line soliloquy! It's hard enough to say the word, much less to come up with one off the top of my head!

Malcolm

Technically, in a soliloquy you are speaking to yourself. This wouldn't qualify.

Duncan and Captain

Shut up.

Duncan

Does everyone insist on annoying on the king today? Just continue.

Captain

Norway's leader came with men and arms to support the traitor. Macbeth and Banquo fought them off. They're heroes and all that jazz. Can I get a doctor now?

Duncan

I have to get in the last word first.

Yours words become thee as thy wounds: They smack of honor both. Someone get him a doctor.

Captain

Muttering again They don't smack of honor, they smack of the need for a great deal of opium. But why bicker over semantics?

Enter Friends Character and The Good Cut of Beef- erm, Ross and Angus

Duncan

Who comes here?

Malcolm

The worthy Thane of Ross.

Duncan

Whence cam'st thou, worthy thane?

Ross

Huh?

Malcolm elbows Duncan

Duncan

Where did you come from?

Ross

From Fife, where Norway and the traitor, Thane of Cawdor, had taken over. We achieved victory though.

Duncan

Good. Give Cawdor's title to Macbeth, and kill Cawdor.

Ross

Right. Because you know, Banquo is completely unimportant and for some reason deserves no honors even though he was on the battlefield with Macbeth...

Duncan

Who is king here anyway?

Ross

Well, this is supposed to be a tragedy, and you are the benevolent leader in the highest seat of power... so I am guessing it won't be you for long.

Duncan

Damn.

Ross

Yep.

Scene 3

Thunder. Enter the three Witches.

First Witch

Why are we the three witches? We control this entire play, and we are just called "three witches" or "weird sisters." Can't we get names?

Second Witch

We're not supposed to have names. We are supposed to be completely unified.

Third Witch

That doesn't sound fair. Every other person without a name in the play is a kid, or someone who dies, or has almost no lines, or all three.

Second Witch

Fine. What do you want your names to be?

First Witch

Broom Hilda.

Second Witch

How unique.

Third Witch

I've got an idea! Let's be unus, duo, and tres. I mean, every movie with Witches in it uses Latin for the spells, so our names can be Latin for one, two, and three!

Second Witch

We are first, second, and third witch. Stop with this nonsense.

First Witch

I'm Broom Hilda!

Third Witch

And I'm tres!

Second Witch smacks her sisters.

Second Witch

Pull it together! We are just witches! Got it?

Third Witch

Some more than others.

Drum.

A drum, a drum!

Macbeth doth come.

Are you happy? I even rhymed!

The first witch looks at her script.

First Witch

I am not dancing in a circle hand in hand with you two. Isn't happening.

Enter Macbeth and Banquo.

Macbeth

So foul and fair a day I have not seen.

Banquo

How far is 't called to Forres- Woah! Man, look at these women! I thought I'd dated some of the lowest ones on the scale, but these girls peg in at negative fourteen! I mean, for Christ's sake, they have beards and warts! Not to mention noses like trigonometry problems, double chins down to their stomachs and the fact that they are ugly enough to make a mule back away from an oat bin. You know, I never forget a face, but in their cases, I think I'll make an exception.

Second Witch

Are you quite finished? We kind of have a job to do here.

First Witch

All hail, Macbeth! Hail to thee, Thane of Glamis!

Second Witch

All hail, Macbeth! Hail to thee, Thane of Cawdor!

Banquo

The tautness of their faces sour ripe grapes, and...

Second Witch

Shut up!

Third Witch

All hail, Macbeth, who will be king soon.

Banquo

Hey, Macbeth, why you do look so surprised and scared? I mean, hey, according to these pugs you're going to be king! What about me anyway? You uglies have any predictions for me?

All Witches

Hail!

First Witch

Lesser than Macbeth and greater.

Second Witch

Not so happy, yet much happier.

Third Witch

Thou shalt get kings, though thou be none. So all hail, Macbeth and Banquo!

First Witch

Banquo and Macbeth, all hail!

Banquo

Well, that was about as clear as a politician's view on mud. If I wanted double talk like that, I would have consulted my lawyer.

Macbeth

I know I am Thane of Glamis. Or at least, I think I do. I might have taken a few bad blows to head during the last battle. But how of Cawdor? The Thane of Cawdor lives, a prosperous gentleman, and it seems impossible for me to be king. Where do you get these strange ideas from?

Witches vanish.

Macbeth

That's inconvenient.

Banquo

Wow. You haven't done any drugs recently have you, because I haven't seen anything like this since my teenage days, munchin' on insane root. Maybe those brownies this morning had an extra ingredient in them.