Chapter 19

Friday

Marissa

The knock on the door woke me up, which was a strange sensation, I can't remember the last time I wasn't woken up by the alarm. It took a few seconds to remember where I was, looking around the unfamiliar room, but it came back quickly enough. When I rolled over to look for Morgan she wasn't there, and then the knock on the door came again.

"Uh... come in..." Alban stood in the doorway with a tray and smile.

"Tea?" he asked, quietly, laying the tray at the end of the bed, gently.

"Thank you..." I didn't quite know what to say.

"Kevin will be starting breakfast in a few minutes, what did you want?"

"Um... what's... what's on offer?"

"I think he was veering towards omelette — which knowing Kevin means you'll get bacon and spring onions in it, and sausages on the side." I couldn't imagine eating that for dinner, let alone breakfast.

"You eat that every day?"

"Me? Know, I prefer scrambled eggs, but I only get to cook one day in four. Evan does an extraordinary salmon and scrambled eggs every now and then, it's a shame it's not his day to cook."

"I mean... you eat a cooked breakfast? Every day?"

"Sure." He poured a cup from the pot, holding up the sugar bowl.

"Two, please... I don't think I could handle that. Do you have any cereal?"

"Connor has some muesli, I think." I don't know what expression I had, but he smiled. "Yeah, I know, rabbit food. Would you prefer a couple of slices of toast?"

"A slice... please."

"Just one?"

"Yes, just one..."

"Wow... I think I'd be dead by about eleven o'clock. You know you don't need to loose any weight, don't you?"

"You've been looking?" I challenged him, with a slight smile, and he went white as a sheet.

"No... it's... I've... Um... Will Morgan want toast?" he asked, slowly backing away towards the door.

"I wish you'd stop doing that."

"Doing what?"

"Running away every time it pops up in the conversation that you might actually like someone. It's a compliment..."

"Don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't... I'm sorry, forget about it, I'll go and get your toast done."

"Alban!" But he was already gone. It was... I was beginning to get just a little bit angry about it, to be honest. It wasn't the fact that he didn't want to get close, I could understand that, it was just that he wouldn't let me know why. I'd told him — well, I'd been about to tell him — the least he could do was do the same. And that was the strange thing, because you could usually count on Alban to at least the very least, and then some.

I finished the tea and tip-toed out into the hallway — I'd forgotten to pack slippers — and found Evan wandering the corridor with just a towel wrapped round him.

"Um... morning..." I managed, feeling a lot more self-conscious than he obviously did.

"Hey, how's things?"

"Fine... I think. Have you seen Morgan?"

"I think she's down watching cartoons with Connor, at least she was when I got back."

"Got back?"

"I go for a run in the mornings." I wish I had that sort of dedication, I might be able to shift that last pound to get back under seven and a half stone. I know Alban said I didn't need to loose any, but it's easy not to see it when I'm wrapped up in a baggy pair of pyjamas. It's not much, but just enough.

"Oh... right. Thanks."

"You looking for the bathroom?" I nodded. "Down there, second on the left."

"What's the first one, no-one showed me that yesterday."

"That's Alban's room."

"I thought we were in Alban's room?"

"Well, see, that's Alban's room in name, and the one next to the bathroom is the one Alban actually uses."

"I thought it felt a bit strange in there." I pointed behind me.

"I think... I've not asked, but I think that was his parents' room, when they were here."

"I can see how that would feel weird."

"Well, I'm going to go get dressed, see you at breakfast."

"Sure, thanks..."

"If you're having a shower, there's towels in the airing cupboard over there." He pointed to a slat-doored cupboard opposite the bathroom.

"I wasn't going to..." I admitted, blushing slightly.

"Right, two showers in a day is probably a bit much."

"Two?"

"Well, you'll be having one before the Easter Ball tonight, right?"

"I... I wasn't going." I'd forgotten all about it, really, it was something that just wasn't in the scope any more.

"Well, I happen to know, in passing you understand, that Alban isn't planning on going, either. Maybe someone should ask him." Grinning madly, he disappeared down the corridor into his room on silent feet, and left me stood staring at Alban's door.

I know it's wrong, I know it's private but... he wouldn't open the door for me, so I had to open it myself. Connor had explained that everyone had their own private space in the house, no-one would go into anyone else's room uninvited, and none of them had been into Alban's room.

I almost expected the door to be locked, given the way he guarded everything, but he trusted the people he lived with... I felt a little guilty as the door eased open, but not guilty enough to stop.

It was cupboard.

It wasn't just that it was a box room, with little more than room for a bed and a single wardrobe. It was stark white walls, without a decoration in sight. The bed-side table had a lamp and glass, and that was the room. It was just empty of anything at all. It wasn't even as personal as a hotel room, it was blank, like no-one lived there at all.

I pulled the door shut, gently, and padded down the hall to the bathroom, wondering what it meant. People who keep what they are private would surely keep their private places reflecting what they are, wouldn't they?

And his was... blank. Unlived in. Deep down he was... empty?

Connor

Morgan and I sat watching the cartoons for most of the morning, which was different. I'm used to watching the tv on my own in the morning. Alban makes the lunches — and complains if anyone tries to help — Evan goes out for his run, and Kevin spends an hour or so making sure his hair looks right. I'm not sure how he can tell, it never seems to look any different when he's not happy with it, but it makes him happy so it doesn't really matter.

It's nice though, having someone else laughing with you. Laughter should be shared, it doesn't matter who with. I had to draw the line though when she wanted to turn over and watch Pokemon — Friday is Road-Runner day. Despite the extra guests, the morning routine wasn't that different, and I got off a little earlier than usual, leaving Alban to walk with Marissa.

"You're off early." Evan pointed out, riding up alongside me on the cycle-path, getting a nasty look from a short woman with a poodle who had to rein the dog in sharply. "SORRY!" he called back over his shoulder, with a slight chuckle.

"I suppose so." I admitted, when he turned his attention back to me.

"And you're blushing a lot more than you normally do when you ride past women with dogs..." he added. "Any particular reason."

"No." I lied, and felt the blush further up my ears.

"Come on, what time does Kelly usually get there?" I didn't bother asking how he'd worked out why I was going early.

"About the same time we do."

"And so you want to be waiting?"

"I wanted... "

"I'm sorry, I missed that bit." He cupped an ear, dramatically.

"She said yesterday I could help, alright, I don't... I don't want to miss the opportunity."

"Ah, right... and this is why you ran off yesterday?"

"She told you about that?"

"Issy did, actually, but Kelly confirmed it." I just shrugged. "What are you looking for there?"

"Looking for..." I blushed even harder, and he laughed so hard he had to stop his bike.

"I'm sorry... I don't mean looking like that. I mean... you like her, right?" I nodded. "So are you going to ask her out somewhere?"

"I don't know... what if she says no?" We started riding again, slowly.

"Then you be gracious, tell her you understand, and then decide if you're going to try and change her mind or if you're going to give up and look elsewhere."

"What... what if you're pretty sure she'll say no?"

"Then it's easier, because you don't even have any hopes to get dashed. Get in there and try it."

"It's easy for you, isn't it?"

"It's easy for anyone, you just have to realise that someone saying no isn't a judgement of you as a person, it's their judgment of the pair of you as a pair. You can both be nice people and still not go together..."

"Does it hurt much? Getting turned down I mean..."

"Hurt? It's... It's not a nice feeling, but you get over it."

"Did it feel bad when you asked Kirsten?" His back wheel skidded as he dragged on the brake.

"Did Kelly tell you about that?"

"No, Alban did." I admitted, with a shrug. "Sorry, was it a secret? I wouldn't have thought Alban would say if it was."

"I never spoke to Alban about it."

"Oh... I wonder how he knew. Sorry... But... did it?"

"I never asked her." He admitted, finally getting the bike back in motion, having to drop down through the gears to get moving. "It... That's one of the ones that you know isn't going to work."

"Kevin says that's Alban's mistake, assuming they know what other people will think."

"Sometimes." Evan nodded. "And sometimes not... Alban's pretty good at reading people. So am I."

"So you're sure?"

"It wouldn't work, I know that. She'd probably say yes, if I asked her out, but it wouldn't last, and I don't want that."

"Right..." I tried to get my head round that for a minute. "You like her, and you think she'd like you, but it wouldn't work..."

"It's... there are incompatibilities." He shrugged, and the conversation stopped by mutual consent as we arrived at the bike-shed. "Go on, go see if you can get a front-row seat. I'll see you later."

I walked around the field quietly, wondering about what he'd said, listening to the crowd cheering for Alban and Marissa. Only, when I got there, it wasn't Alban and Marissa.

Kelly was slumped back against the wall beside the gate, and Issy was slowly peeling her blouse back over her shoulders to a chorus of whistles and cheers.

It was... Evan said it wouldn't hurt, but there was a lump in my chest between my lungs, and the cheers went quiet as my heart thumped blood through my ears. I wanted to be where Issy was, right then, trailing her fingers slowly down Kelly's shoulders and peeling the bra-straps down her arms, tickling the soft, warm flesh there and holding her gently. She reached down, one hand casually opening the buttons down the side of her skirt, the other resting gently on Kelly's stomach, caressing her belly-button area. I turned away, then...

Evan said it wouldn't hurt, but it did.

Alban

I wonder if Pete would understand if I strangled him? 'Why don't you let her use your spare room' indeed. I suppose I should have said no, I should have seen it would lead to this sort of situation. I need to get some space, need to break clear and get some perspective on all this.

Which doesn't really explain why ended up walking her and her daughter to school, but she's hard to say no to. She just smiles — not a full smile, just a slight curl of the lip, a flicker in her eyes — and you're half-way to having your shoes and coat on before you know it.

It was a pleasant walk, through the Burnham Wood with Morgan dashing here and there hoping to see a squirrel, and we dropped her off at her pre-school.

"Did you want to go home and check your answering machine, see if you're mother phoned?" I wondered, as she disappeared into the cluster of small children in the playground.

"No, I left her a message last night that I wouldn't be home until this afternoon." She explained, not turning away from the school for a minute.

"Then... We should probably head for school. Wouldn't want to be late for gym."

"No." she shook her head a little, and turned to look at me, squinting slightly because the sun was over my shoulder.

"No you wouldn't want to be late, or no we shouldn't head for school?"

"No we wouldn't want to be late..." she confirmed, slipping her arm through mine with a grin.

"Uh..."

"Quiet..." she patted my arm like I was a dog! And I just stood there and took it.

"Marissa..."

"No, quiet." She said, and started walking, staring intently at her feet. "Listen... you know my secret now, right."

"Yes."

"It wasn't how I wanted you to find out, but I was trying to tell you."

"I know."

"And you've got a secret that you think gets in the way of... well, us, frankly." I just nodded. "Right, you've got today. We'll forget about it now, we'll have today, you can take me to the Easter Ball tonight, and before the day's out you'll tell me, or we can forget about it."

"Can't we just forget about it now?" It was, not a panic exactly, but something similar. Somehow, the idea that she'd go away not knowing any better was preferable to having to tell her, but she just smiled.

"That's why we're having today." She smiled, smugly, turning her head up to face me.

"What?"

"I like you, and I've not met anyone in a long time that I can say that about — I have to think about what impact they're going to have on Morgan, too."

"That's..." I tried to interrupt, but she just kept plowing on.

"Of course, I could just wait until all the guys I know have grown up, but what's that going to do to Morgan, suddenly bringing someone into her life when she's nine or ten years old? And I don't want to be alone until she's left home if I can help it."

"So I'm just the best thing available in the time-frame, is that it?"

"Oh, now you're trying to make me feel guilty so that I'll relent... I like you for you, but I have to know if it's going to go anywhere. I want you to trust me."

"I do, it's not about trust." she waved that away.

"Tonight, make or break."

"Mr Darch!" We'd reached the school, and I'd not noticed, so caught up in the conversation.

"Dr Hibbert." Marissa hung on to my arm, so she felt me tense, which was unfortunate.

"It'll be alright." She assured me, quietly, and stepped away a pace.

"I wonder if you'd be good enough to come to the office."

"Certainly." I knew he was going to try something today, but I couldn't work out exactly what. Unfortunately, he seemed reasonably confident that it was going to work... and slightly sad about it, as well.

"Can I come?" Marissa's question took us both by surprise.

"If... If Alban has no complaints, I don't see why not. In some ways it concerns you, as well, as his Programme partner."