Chapter 15

Thursday

Kelly

OK, so maybe he isn't quite like everyone else, after all. Maybe he is? Maybe they'd all run away after finding out a girl they like knows about it. First time for me too, remember. He's nice, but... I don't know, actually. Up until about five minutes ago I thought he was a bit vague, a bit... I don't know. Remote? Like he didn't really understand, but the way he was talking I think he understands more than he realises. Although, his eyesight's obviously not that bad if he thinks being blind is like being short-sighted. There's a difference between not being able to tell who's in front of you and walking into them unaware, you know.

Is it like that for him? Are people really that... alien? It's difficult to imagine, really, not being able to talk to people easily. It's all I've got, it's all I've ever had. I can't read — they do Braille books, but it takes so long to read them, it's too mechanical. I can't get into the stories like people do with real books. I can't watch the tv, I can't go to films... I have to talk to people, and listen to music which is all about people too.

Getting inside someone's head's difficult when you try it like that. Normal people, maybe not, they're just sort of... bland? That sounds horrible, but there's no real extremes in there, that's what makes them normal. Sometimes the extremes come from the outside, sometimes they come from inside; Connor's childhood is probably a big part of his, but Alban? Andrew McBride? What makes them tick? What makes them do what they do, the way they do.

How can Alban just push everyone away like that? Marissa's been trying to get under his skin all week, and he hasn't let anything go. I've practically stripped my skin off, and no-one even notices... we're complete opposites. Maybe that's why I dislike him... well, maybe dislike's a bit strong. He's... I just don't even begin to understand him.

He doesn't need anyone, doesn't want anyone close. That's just frightening. I don't want to be on my own, the world's scary when you're on own — I imagine it'd be scary on your own if you could see.

The bell rang, though, and scary or not it was time to journey on my own to music. I didn't have to journey far, though.

"Hey there, naked lady." A familiar voice caught me as I trekked down the stairs out of the balcony.

"Evan?"

"Yeah, you fancy some company on the way to music?"

"Um... sure... how long have you been there?"

"I turned up about five minutes after Connor came back to the canteen. He figured you were upset, might want a friend to talk to."

"Did he?" I felt guilty, a little. "Is he OK?"

"I think so... he's not very happy with Issy."

"I probably shouldn't have said anything."

"Why not? Get the truth out in the open, too many people play games about it all."

"You're all for honesty and truth, huh?"

"Me? Yep, call it like you see it."

"So if I were to ask you anything, you'd tell me truth?"

"Probably." He admitted, after a moment's thought.

"You've been around a bit, how come you never asked me out?" He sucked his teeth at that. "You said you'd tell the truth..."

"I will, but... even with truth's there's ways to phrase things."

"Right... so phrase away, silence isn't truth."

"Look, you're good looking, don't get me wrong, although not many people would have known it before this week."

"They wouldn't?"

"You dress... I'm guessing your mother either helps you buy clothes or just goes and does it for you?"

"Most of the time, yeah... I can't tell what goes together well, you see."

"Well, you look like your mother dresses you, most days. You've got an incredible body, but it's always been hidden away. And you're quiet, most of the time. You sort of hover around the sidelines, I don't think you realise it, but you don't put yourself out there very much."

"Well I have been this week, how come no-one's noticed?"

"They've noticed... it's just a shock to everyone, no-one really knows how to deal with it. And, of course, you've been a little overshadowed by the whole Marissa-Alban-Andrew McBride saga."

"Overshadowed... that's... so I'm not that bad, then?"

"Hell no."

"Then, I'll ask again, why haven't you asked me out? You've asked enough girls from music, enough girls for me to know that you aren't looking for anything deep and meaningful..."

"But you are." He countered, straight away.

"What?"

"You're lonely in there, Kelly. I'm your friend, but we wouldn't work as a couple, and you're desperately seeking some sort of validation from someone your own age like that. And it's not like I've asked everyone in my class out..."

"Kirsten?"

"No."

"Oh?" I'd assumed he had. "Why?"

"I like her... really like her, but she doesn't see me like that. That's the way it goes."

"Oh... how come, Mr Honesty, you never said any of this before."

"Last week, I don't know how you'd have taken it. You've... you've shown us all a side of you we'd not seen before — even more so in the canteen, from what I heard?"

"Yeah... how did that go down?"

"I think, on the whole, the rest of your day is going to be a hell of a lot more interesting."

"You think?"

"Well, Alban and Marissa aren't here, certainly for now, and the rest of the lower sixth is now very, very aware that a hot-bodied naked chick is looking for some attention... I think you're day's going to get much, much better." A hand brushed over my boob, making me jump.

"Who was that?"

"Some guy..." Evan chuckled — it wasn't him, he was on the wrong side. Result!

Connor

It's cold, wandering across the field in the nude. It was colder on the inside. I probably hadn't handled that well, but... staying would only have been worse. I have no idea what I'm going to say to her now. Everything was fine until Issy opened her mouth.

I told her that, I think she was upset. She probably thought she was helping... maybe she was. Evan says it's better when everything's out in the open, or you end up like Marissa and Alban, circling round each other, too scared to get close... they looked pretty close to me.

So, I did what I usually do — I stuffed it all down inside, and headed off to do something academic.

"Hey, Connor, wait up." I turned to see Kevin following behind. No-one realises how smart Kevin is, really, but he's in the same electronics class as me, one year up from the rest of us. He's really good with it, better at the practical stuff than I am, and smart enough to keep up with the theory.

"What's up?"

"Nothin'." He smiled, gently. "I was about to ask you... it's been a morning for dramatic announcements."

"Issy and Kelly?"

"Well, Issy telling Kelly. Then you telling the rest of us, indirectly, when you snapped at Issy for doing it."

"You didn't know?"

"How the hell would I know?"

"Well... I just... I thought it'd be obvious."

"Well, Alban's better at reading people than me, you know that."

"I guess... so now everybody knows."

"It's not that bad, you know. Some people might even be flattered... say... a girl who's so desperate for attention that she shouted across the canteen at the entire lower sixth?"

"Maybe... maybe she'll just be creeped out by the weirdo stalker... or... I don't know. She must have thought I was after something, that I'd followed her because of what she said."

"You see, that's Alban's one big failing, and now you're picking up on it."

"What?"

"Thinking for other people... rather than decide what she was thinking for her, why don't you ask?"

"Because chances are she'll think I'm an idiot, or some sort of freak. Most people do."

"Most people, I'm sorry to say, probably don't think of you at all." He laughed. "Look, don't worry about what people might think. Choose whose opinion you appreciate, whose thoughts you care about, and find out what they are."

"Easy for you to say."

"Why? I'm no different from you, there are people out there who don't think much of me, I'm sure, people who do. The people I like, I care what they think — You, Alban, Evan's getting there... a few others."

"I don't have the first clue what most people think of me..." I admitted. It was... I don't know what it's like for everyone else. Can you look at anyone and tell what they're thinking? Can you walk into a room and not wonder what you've done wrong, what you've said wrong, who you've annoyed or irritated or horrified? I can't, I keep wondering if I've done something to upset someone, everywhere I go it's the same. Kevin ignores it when I do — he's admitted as much — Alban says something, but he doesn't judge me on it, or get uppity. Everyone else?

I like taking my classes in the year above because no-one really talks to me, no-one expects me to talk back. I can go to class, learn, and leave, and there's no real danger of me upsetting anyone. I like that.

We broke off as we arrived at Electronics, and I pushed it all back down again, trying to pile up pnp-transistor theory over the top of it all. There are no girls in our electronics class, which was the other reason I avoided seeking relief, and as soon as that it seemed the lesson was finished.

"You heading back to the canteen?" Kevin asked, looking up at the clouds as the first spots of rain started down. Kelly would be there, of course, and I didn't want to face her in the kind of mood she was likely to be in.

"No, I'll head over to the Music Block. If Alban's away there'll be no-one to supervise the Chess Club this break... where is Alban, anyway?"

"Didn't you hear? He had to take Marissa off-site..."

Marissa

All the opportunities to tell the world that I'd had, and now I've decided to tell someone the world won't leave us alone. Kevin and Evan were still babbling back and forth about Alban's stand at the gate, while he just looked a little embarrassed by all the attention. Evan seemed to find the whole thing amusing, but then Evan seems to smile at just about everything.

Conversation diverted — briefly — as someone flitted past the end of the corridor.

"Was that Kelly?" Pete wondered. Connor emerged, hot on her tail.

"What's going on?" Alban asked.

"I'll tell you later, when I know." Connor turned, running backwards a few steps to call back, then carried on.

"You need a hand?" Alban called after him.

"Let him handle it." Evan offered. "He's got to get used to dealing with things on his own, stand on his own feet."

"I know, but..."

"You worry about him." Kevin cut in, with a chuckle. "It's time to let go, Dad... seriously, he's a lot better than he used to be."

"He's still not all the way there."