Chapter 53

It was after three when I got back home. I was starting to get over the shock of my strong emotional reaction with Clara. It was almost like there were two separate parts to it. The first part had been the sex, physically satisfying, everything I'd hoped it would be. That was pretty much what I'd expected. The emotional connection was very unexpected. Never having experienced that before, it was somewhat overwhelming. I wondered if it would always be a part of our lovemaking. It scared me a little, mostly because it threw all of my plans right out the window. I was no longer bartering with Kate's friend, someone who I loved only the idea of. I didn't know if I could stand to share Clara now, not even with Kate.

I knew, from earlier conversations with Kate, that she felt that strong emotional connection already with Clara. Clara hadn't come right out and admitted feeling as strongly about Kate, but there were lots of indications that she had felt that connection before. Did I want to risk what was possible for Clara and me by bringing Kate back into the mix? Did I really have a choice? Just because Clara and I had finally clicked emotionally together, did that make my earlier decision any less valid, or Kate's need any less compelling?

Clara had already said that she needed to talk with Kate again. Suppose she planned on accepting Kate as a lover again? Where would that decision leave me emotionally? Could I accept it just as I had planned on earlier? It had never bothered me before, I'd felt competitive at times with Kate for Clara, but never jealous of their love, or their loving.

I realized that the final decision was out of my hands now. I'd opened up the possibility by asking Clara to share herself with both Kate and me. I needed to stop trying to think of every possible permutation of this, and just allow it to resolve itself by what Clara decided. I could only decide on what I would do after Clara and Kate had resolved what their future relationship was going to be.

I walked in the door, and the first thing I heard was Kate's happy laughter as she spoke on the phone in the kitchen. She looked at me as I returned from behind the closet, where I'd just finished putting my coat away. There was a smile on her face, even though she was wiping tears from her cheeks. I heard her speak into the phone.

"Just a minute. Hold on, okay?" She put the receiver down, and came over to give me a big hug. "That's Clarabelle. She's not moving back with her father. She's going to the movies with us tonight! Thank you, Larry. I know you only changed your mind for me."

I had started out with the idea of bargaining with Clara to get her to stay and be a part of Kate's life. It hadn't ended up like that though. In the end, I'd been forced to change my goals considerably. I didn't get a chance to tell Kate any of this, because she ran right back to the phone, and then she and Clara were once again lost inside their own conversation. I went back to my room to get changed, and then I went to the bathroom, taking myself a nice, long, relaxing shower. I spent most of that time reliving my experience with Clara, trying to understand why it had been so different making love to her. After I came out, I got dressed and went out to the kitchen, trying to get something to eat before we left for the movies. My mother had already fixed me a plate of cold cut sandwiches, and a big scoop of her macaroni salad.

"How did you fix things with Clara, Laurant? Katinka is so happy right now. Is she going to stay happy?"

"I don't know if fixed is the right word, Anyu. I tried to make a deal that included Kate. Now, I think it might have been a mistake. In the end, Kate might be unhappy again, or else maybe I will."

"Will this depend on who Clara chooses to be her special friend? If it does depend on that, Laurant, you must be the one who steps away. For you, another girl will serve just as well. For your sister, there may not be so many choices."

I looked at my mother. It wasn't like her to take such a firm position about something that she couldn't possibly understand all the different sides to. I wondered whether Kate had spoken to her of what had been taking place. If she had, that represented a real change from Kate's regular policy. I heard the shower turning off, and looked at my watch. It was going to be tight for us to make it over to Clara's by five thirty. I'm not sure why I said anything to my mother. I guess I was already feeling a little bit on the defensive.

"Clara likes boys. I love her, a lot." My mother must have thought I was arguing with her. Her eyes narrowed down to tiny slits, and she raised a hand up until it was about breast high. For a second, I really thought she was going to slap me. We stood like that for close to a minute, and I watched my mother getting her breathing back under control. She then reached out and placed her hand gently on my face, taking her eyes back opened to a normal position.

"Clara's only one girl, Katinka is your sister, she's your blood. How many times have your papa and I put up with your getting into trouble? Did we always stand by you and support you? No matter what? That is what family does. Katinka deserves no less from you now. I won't accept seeing her unhappy, just so you can boast of another conquest. I expect more of you than that. Your papa expects more as well. Tonight, you think of what is best for your family, Laurant."

I went back to my bedroom, remembering to get a new rubber to replace the one that I had used earlier. I was wondering what kind of conversations Kate had been having with my parents while I had been either sleeping, or over at Clara's house. How much did they know about what had been going on? Did my father really agree with my mother? Did they really think I was going to just step aside completely? Just then, Kate was at my bedroom door, telling me that she was ready.

"Should I sit in the front, Larry, or do you want me to sit in the back?"

"Sit up front. Did Clara tell you for sure that she was coming?"

"Yes, and she told me what the two of you did too. She also told me what you said to her to get her to come with us tonight."

I had just pulled up in front of Clara's house when she came running out of her front door. She opened the front door and told Kate to get out so she could sit in the middle, next to me. Kate got out and asked Clara if she wanted her to sit in the back. Clara just slid in and moved over next to me. She then patted the empty space, and motioned for Kate to come back and shut the door.

"Can we go to the lake instead of the movies, Larry? It's more private and we can all talk there."

I drove to the lake and Kate and Clara talked together about what happened this afternoon. They acted like I wasn't right there listening to them. Clara made it seem like it had been just as overwhelming for her as it had been for me. I noticed that she just spoke of the physical part of our lovemaking, and this was a slight letdown for me. Maybe she wanted to keep that other part private, just between us. That is what I was hoping. Once we got to the lake and I had parked, I looked around and we were the only ones out there. Outside, the temperature was about fifteen degrees, and there was a brisk wind coming in from across the lake. It was no wonder that no one else had come out here. Clara turned to me.

"Larry, I've thought about what you said about you wanting to share me with Kate. Do you still feel that way?"

"Clara, you have to decide, not me. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do, but I don't want you not to have fun with Kate if that's what you would like to do."

"You won't be jealous, and it won't make any difference in how you feel about me?"

I wanted to scream at her not to make that decision, that it would matter, I would be jealous. If she had even once mentioned anything other than the physical act of fucking on the drive out there, I probably would have said something to let her know that I didn't want to share her. I remembered what my mother had told me, but she couldn't understand how I felt about Clara. I looked at Kate, and she was waiting on my answer, obviously hoping that I wouldn't decide to object. I looked into Clara's eyes, and I saw reflected back at me only the fact that she was horny and excited, obviously anticipating that I wouldn't be objecting to her and Kate making love. I didn't see the look that I was hoping to see. I didn't see a shred of reluctance either, and that made my decision for me.

"No, go ahead, I want you to do it with her. I want to watch the two of you." I think I even managed a smile as I told her that.

No sooner had I said that then the two of them had the front door opened and they both got out, and jumped into the back seat together. In not time flat, they were kissing, and rubbing themselves all over each other. I had adjusted the rear view mirror so that I could watch them, without having to turn my head and look. They were soon tearing off each others clothing, in spite of the cold, and exploring each other with their tongues.