Chapter 52

I waited until Saturday morning before I called her. I was home alone all day Friday, but I was too busy thinking about things to be bothered with actually talking to anyone. I was taking a mental inventory of the past two or three years. It wasn't an easy thing for me to do, because there was a lot for me to look at, and to be ashamed of. I had always given in to opportunity and temptation. More than that, I had gone out of my way to create these opportunities. If it felt good, I wanted to try it.

I had many memories stored up inside my head, and I separated them into lots of different piles, like my mother did with her business receipts. She did it to make it easier for her to fudge on her taxes. I was doing it to try to see if it might be possible to clear up a large enough opening so that I could hope to build some kind of a foundation for Clara and I to build on and be with each other.

I knew, just because of the way we were, that there had to be a very solid foundation, if our love was ever going to survive our two temperaments. Both of us had shown an amazing unwillingness to walk down any path that wasn't of our own choosing. I knew it wasn't going to be an easy task, but I also knew that changes needed to be made.

I had one pile of memories that consisted of all the times that I could remember when I was really happy. Most of these memories were when I was doing something. Riding my bike, playing football, pitching a baseball, paying my parents back the last of the money for my vandalism after working hard all summer. Simple things, selfish things, all of them having more to do with me being carefree, than with any pleasure of accomplishment or athletic competition. I didn't remember a single happy moment that I had really shared with anyone else.

I had my sad pile too. It was big and complicated. Complicated because there were so many different degrees of sadness. There was the sadness for when my grandmother died. I'd never met her, but I saw the effect the news had on my mother. I was only seven years old, but I'd never seen anyone I loved be so unhappy, so devastated. I hadn't understood death, but I could feel my mother's anguish, and that is what made it so real to me. When Skippy, our dog, ran out into the street and got run over, I experienced the direct sadness of losing a loved one. My father's leaving for that time before Kate was sent to Hungary. When I found out that Clara had tried to kill herself. Kate writing those letters when she first got to Hungary. Finding out that Kate and Clara had gone all the way with those boys.

Doing this inventory wasn't accomplishing anything, other than depressing me, making my task seem hopeless, and making me feel incapable of doing what I knew needed to be done. It wasn't going to be possible, not if I tried to sort through my memories in search of the answer. When I concentrated on only the memories I shared with Clara, that too seemed like a pathway that moved from one failure to the next. We had never managed a good relationship for long.

You can't really examine a feeling. I loved Clara. There is nothing tangible to hold on to. No memory that I can look back on and say that this is what defines my love for her. About the only thing I could look back on and point to, was the fact that my love never ended for her. No matter how much I willed it to end. No matter how many times I attempted to kill it with my own actions. I managed to hide my love, but I couldn't destroy it. I knew there was something there even when I tried to deny it to myself.

By the time I got around to looking closely at the dynamics of my relationship with Clara, I could plainly see that there was a reason why she and I kept coming back to each other. That reason was Kate. I was linked to Kate by family, and Clara was linked to her by their love and close friendship. Clara and I were brought together by Kate, and were being thrown back into contact again only because of Kate. With Kate out of the equation, Clara and I would be only distant memories in each others past history. Because of Kate, we kept being thrown back into contact. There was no denying that we both had an attraction for the other, but it hadn't been enough to survive on its own. It needed Kate to rekindle it.

That was what Kate had been trying to tell me when she had said that she loved Clara much more than I did. She was trying to give Clara to me only because now Clara didn't want her, and she couldn't bear to not still have her around, even if it meant that Clara would be mine. That was why she wanted to be me.

It felt right to me, that it was all Kate. I remembered Kate and Clara together, before any of the troubles got started. during the two years before I ever got interested in girls. In all of that time, the two of them never once had a fight, or even an argument. At least none that I ever saw or heard about. It was only after Kate started getting me involved with Clara. Why did she do that? She loved Clara, so why would she want to have her involved with someone else? She didn't, that was the only answer that made any sense. It had to have come from Clara. Kate just went along with it because she had no other choice. No choice that wouldn't take Clara away from her. If that was true, what about Bill? Or Keith and Leon and those other boys? What was Kate doing then? There had to be an explanation for that. Was it Clara's doing?

I heard Kate coming in the house and glanced over at my alarm clock. It was four ten already. I had been sitting around all day trying to get something clarified in my head, and was no closer to an answer than I was before I started. Kate came by and knocked at my door.

"Larry, can I come in?"

"Not now, Kate, I'm right in the middle of something. I still need to be alone."

"If you keep trying to think about everything, Clara's going to think you don't love her."

"Maybe she should think that. I've been thinking about everything, and I don't see how it could work out for us."

"It has to Larry. You both love each other so much."

"Maybe that isn't what it seems. Maybe all of this is about you."

"You're crazy!"

"Maybe, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong. Tell me what happened before you started messing around with Keith and Leon."

"School started. What do you mean?"

"What about Bill?"

"What about him?"

"How come you started kissing him at my party? You hadn't shown any interest in boys before that."

"He kissed me. I was interested before that. Clara and I talked about boys all the time."

"Kate, I don't believe you."

"We did."

"I think Clara was interested in boys. I think you only pretended to be interested."

"That's not true. We were both interested."

"I think you were afraid of losing Clara if you didn't pretend to be interested too. I think only Clara was experimenting with girls. You weren't experimenting, it was girls for you all along."

"You're lying, Larry. I liked boys as much as Clara did."

"If Clara loved you the same way you love her, would you even bother to look at another boy?" There was silence by my door. I felt her out there. I could tell she was panicking. "Kate, you know you wouldn't. It's Clara you love. If it wasn't Clara, it would be some other girl. I think I've known that for a long time, but I couldn't ever figure out why you did those things with Bill and those other boys."

"I wasn't sure until after Bill and Keith. I was losing her, and I loved her so much. I hoped she'd see how much better it was with me, because I loved her so much. It would have worked to, if you hadn't always been around. She used to love what we did together, but now she doesn't even want me to touch her. She says it isn't healthy to want to do things together. Now, she only wants to be with you."

"I wish I could help you Kate. I know that you love her, and this is really hard on you. The way things are, I think it would be better for both of us if we stopped seeing Clara. She isn't ever going to want the same thing you do, and she and I would never work out. I'm sorry."

"You already decided, Larry? She loves you, and you love her too. Why can't you at least try?"

"Because I love you, Kate. You're my sister, and I couldn't be happy if you weren't happy too. It would eat you up to see me with Clara all the time."

"That isn't true. At least then I'd see her. She's talking about going back to live with her father now. If she does that, I'll lose her for sure, Larry. Maybe, after she does it with you, she'll realize that it's better with me."

"Maybe. You already know that she doesn't just want to be with you. It won't ever turn out the way you want it to."

"Have you really made up your mind?"

"I think so, but I still need to think about it some more."

"You'd be making a big mistake, Larry. Even if it wouldn't work out, you'd never be sure, and neither would she, unless you tried it."

"It wouldn't work. Maybe it's better if we don't know that for certain."

I went out to eat my supper at six thirty. Kate kept looking at me all through the meal, but she didn't speak. We both knew that I was making my final decision, and that I'd make it alone. I was going to have to live with this decision for a long time, and I didn't want to make it having been influenced by outside factors. I already knew why Kate wanted me to give it another try with Clara. I didn't know why Clara wanted to give it another try with me. I was in bed before nine, but sleep didn't come fast or easy. I had essentially decided when I was talking with Kate. The only thing that kept me from acting on that decision already, was my fear of cutting that last tiny strand of connection with Clara.

For a long time, in spite of how unrealistic my plan actually was, I had believed that Clara and I would find a way to be together, somehow, in the future. Even when I kept trying to get her out of my thoughts, I still retained this hope. Had I ever examined it, anywhere along the way, that hope would have died. The truth was that I was satisfied with just having some small amount of unexamined hope. It comforted me, and made some of my other decisions somehow more palatable to me. Now, as I prepared to relinquish that hope, I knew I would miss having something with Clara to look forward to. I liked the idea of Clara and me. The reality might be impossible, but the idea was pleasant and comforting to me.

When you are sixteen, and still enough of a child that your whole universe centers around you, the concept of sacrifice doesn't come naturally to you. I felt like I understood that someone was going to have to sacrifice, and even though Kate was offering to, I didn't think her sacrifice would help any of us. I needed to sever that final strand, and then let the situation play itself out.

Saturday morning I got up early, and walked over to Clara's house. I rang her door bell before eight. Her mother answered the door, definitely not happy when she saw that it was me.

"Do you know what time it is, Larry?" I looked at my watch. "Why are you here?"

"I told Clara I'd come talk to her when I was ready. I'm ready."

"What do the two of you have to talk about?"

"Our future."

"Together?"

"That's what we need to talk about."

"This can't keep until a decent hour? It has to be now?"

"I'm going to tell her that I don't want for us to get back together."

"Come inside. Wait right here, Larry. I'll go get her. You're making the right decision. Don't leave. It won't be very long. I'll just wake her up so you can tell her. I'll even leave you alone so you can tell her in private."

It took five minutes, but Clara came out wearing a robe. It looked like she'd taken the time to brush her hair and wash her face.

"Hi Larry. Its early. My mom said you needed to see me right away?" I smiled at her and led her over to the sofa. when we sat down, I held both of her hands in mine.

"First, I want you to know that I do love you, and I guess I probably always will. But, mostly, I love the idea of you. I don't even know you that well, only through Kate. Kate really loves you. Not the idea of you, but all of you. I kept trying to come up with some way that you and I could be together, but I couldn't think of one. That's when I realized that what we really had in common, and shared, was that we both loved Kate. We were both big parts of Kate's life, you more than me."

"No. Larry, I love you. It isn't just an idea with me. I've always loved you."

"Clara, when did you get to know me so well that you loved me? Tell me, because I don't remember that time. I guess I knew you had a crush on me, but that isn't love. Right now, sitting here, I really do love you, and not just the idea, but, when I leave, it shifts right back to just me loving the idea of you. You can't stay in front of someone all the time."

"We just need more time together. You'll see."

"This is all centering around Kate, Clara. I can't take Kate's place, and she can't take mine. I can't love you like she does. I can't give you the same attention that she wants to. I'm not sure why you decided that you don't want Kate's love, but I know that my love for you couldn't exist without hers, not for any length of time. It never has."

"Why do you keep saying it's about Kate? Didn't I show you that I picked you over her? What if I stop being friends with her?"

"You have to decide that Clara, but it won't make any difference either way. Without Kate we wouldn't have gotten together at all. You were always her friend, and I was always her brother. Even if you stop being her friend, I'd still always be her brother. I told you before that I had a lot of thinking to do. Kate wanted us together because you told her you were going back to live with your dad, and she didn't want to lose you again like before. She is willing to give you up as long as she still gets to see you sometimes. Now, you're willing to give her up for me, and I'm willing to give you up for her."

"You don't love me like you said. Not if you will just give me up like that."

"That's what I decided. If I did love you like I'm supposed to, I'd never be able to give you up. I can give you up, and I can still love the idea of you. The only thing I can't figure out is what to do when I'm right here in front of you."

"What do you want to do?"

"You know."

"I want the same thing. You always promised me that you would."

"That was when I thought we'd always be together. It wouldn't be the same now. I don't want to say goodbye that way."

"Do you want to? I do. I want it more than anything."Clara got up and went to knock on her mother's door. I got up too, with the idea of leaving. "Don't leave. I just need to ask my mother something." Mrs. Townsend opened her bedroom door and Clara whispered something to her. He mother looked at me, and shook her head no. I was pretty sure about what Clara had asked her. Clara started talking some more, but no matter what she said, her mother's head still kept shaking negatively. Clara said something else to her and then went over to her own bedroom, and slammed the door closed behind her. Clara's mom looked at me with a look of total loathing on her face. She started walking towards me.

"Don't worry I'm leaving. I did what I told you I'd do. That other thing wasn't my idea."