Chapter 44

I turned fifteen with no trumpets sounding, in fact, no fanfare whatsoever. My mom and dad were still locked in that bitter struggle over who was going to get their way about Kate returning. They were barely talking to each other by that time.

Bill had been going steady with Brenda for the past month or so. They were meeting over at Eileen's apartment almost every morning, and began their day with a romp on Eileen's bed. Brenda was as jaded as Eileen when it came to sex. She had allowed Bill to do it with her within a week of when they first went out together to the movies. Of course, Bill was pretty happy about having a girl who was willing to let him stick his dick in her. So happy, that he made it a point to let everyone he knew in on the details of his love life. One of those details was that Eileen liked to watch Brenda and Bill doing it. She would stay in her bedroom and carry on a conversation while the lovebirds went at it. Bill had hinted several times that Eileen sometimes participated with them.

As for me, I had stopped doing anything with anyone. I still had deep feelings for Clara, but I forced myself to not mope around and pass by her house all the time. I was a little bit depressed, and feeling sorry for myself. I wasn't really ready to move on to someone else. Working on peoples yards all summer helped me. I got plenty of exercise, felt better about myself because I was finally paying my parents back for the money they had paid out to the bank for my vandalism, and was proving to myself that I was able to exercise some self control when it came to sex. I was lonely though. Part of the reason I was able to keep from slipping back into my old sexual habits was because I avoided almost every social situation. I hadn't been to the movies since that time with Jane back in May.

I knew I was being too cautious, but I didn't want to be tempted. I knew that I would probably resume a more normal social life once school started up again. My mother told me several times that she was worried about me not being out with any of my friends for the whole summer. Even my Aunt Agnes asked me whether I'd lost my copy of her apartment key. My father seemed happy that I was taking care of business with my lawn mowing jobs, and he saw no reason why I'd want to be going out 'wasting your money' now that I was learning how difficult money was to come by.

In late August, I learned that Clara was dating a boy who was a year ahead of me in school. I didn't know him, but I knew who he was. I found out about it from Clara's mom when she saw me pushing my mower past her house on my way to a lawn job on her street. She seemed happy to see me, and told me how much Clara's attitude had improved now that she was back seeing her therapist twice a week. She mentioned that Clara had found a nice young man for herself, and was only engaging in healthy activities with him. She told me the boy's name and asked me if I knew him. When I said I didn't, she smiled at me, as if to say my not knowing him was a very good sign. I told her I had to leave because I had a lot of grass to cut that day. She asked me if I wanted her to give Clara any message from me.

"Sure, tell her I said hello, and that I'm happy to hear that she's doing so well. I'll probably see her at school, when it begins."

"If you do, please try to keep from spoiling her progress, Larry. She is doing well right now, and I want it to continue."

"Then we both want the same thing. I'll see you Mrs. Townsend."

I had a difficult time getting adjusted to the news that Clara was going out with another boy. It wasn't that I hadn't expected it, because I had. It was just that it was one more proof that our paths had diverged, and we were now further apart than we had been. I thought about looking for another girlfriend, but I still didn't feel like going out and finding anyone else at the time. I was learning the downside of being in love, all the bad feelings associated with breaking up.

The first week of school produced a lot of new gossip when we all caught up on what had happened over the summer. Denise had gotten pregnant. She had told Karen before her parents sent her to stay with her father's sister in Milwaukee, at the end of July. Karen was telling people that Denise wasn't sure about whether Tommy Lampkin or Dan Brogell was the father. She had dated both during May and the early part of the summer.

I spoke with Karen a few times in September. She made it clear that she was still interested in me, but said she wasn't ready to start taking any chances like we had before. She asked me if I still had the key to Agnes's apartment. I told her that I didn't have it anymore. She told me that Trudie was going to wind up pregnant too, because she was going out and doing stuff with several boys at once. She asked me if I was still one of the boys that Trudie did things with.

"No, I haven't been going out with anyone for a long time. I kept getting myself into trouble, and it stopped being worth it. I don't even feel like doing anything like that anymore."

"I don't believe that. Not even for one minute. I bet you'd do it all over again, if you only had the chance."

"You might be right, but I doubt it. It used to be pretty simple in the beginning, but then it got too complicated. How about you? Who are you going with now?"

"Nobody. I've been asked out exactly once since that time we stopped doing things. My parents said I couldn't go. He was seventeen though, and that's why they said I couldn't go with him. He had a driver's license too."

"Next year, I get mine. Are you getting yours after our next birthday?"

"My parents haven't talked to me about it. I think they want me to wait. Too many kids get in accidents. Are your parents really going to let you drive?"

"I never asked them. I guess they will, especially if Kate comes back. My mom works, and she hardly drives her car, except to work and back home. If I could drive, she'd probably have me drop her off at the studio, and then pick her up at night. She used to do that with my father, but he stopped driving her. He said it was easier just to get her her own car. I don't think she really likes to drive."

"After what happened to Denise, and that time with us, I'm too worried to want to go all the way anymore. I'd still like to do all the other stuff though, if we had a place to do it. Don't you miss it, really?"

"Not as much as in the beginning. I miss the excitement some, but I can do part of it by myself."

"It isn't the same. Now that I know the difference, it's a lot harder to be satisfied with doing myself. At least I can still remember some of the best times when I can't get to sleep some nights. When I get married, I'm going to make my husband do it with me two or three times a day."

"That's still a long time away for either of us. I'm not getting married until I'm old, maybe thirty, or even older."

"Not me! I'll get married right after high school. I'm going to have three or four kids right away too. That way, I'll still be young when they are old enough for me to do fun things with them. My parents waited too long, plus they only had me. I'm not going to have my children be lonely like I was."

I looked over the incoming freshman class, trying to see whether Clara had changed much over the summer, but I didn't see her. After a week, I began to suspect that she wasn't enrolled in our school. I knew her grades had been too good for her to be held back a year, so that probably meant her mom had put her in St. Catherine's. If so, it surprised me. Why would she want Clara in an all girl high school? I could see an advantage for Clara to make a new start because of what had happened the year before, but to put her in with nothing but other girls? That seemed unlike Mrs. Townsend.

I saw Aaron Coulter, the boy that Mrs. Townsend had said Clara was seeing now. He was standing in the hallway talking with four other people. Gladys Thomas, a girl I knew from my mom's dance studio, was standing real close to him, and Aaron had his arm across her shoulders. Later that day, I saw the two of them together again, they were holding hands now, walking out the side exit of the school. Aaron wasn't acting like Clara was his girlfriend. My first thought was to wonder if Clara knew what Aaron was up to. My second thought was that I should just mind my own business.

I hadn't spoken one word to Clara since that Sunday when we'd had that argument. What she did, or what her boyfriend did, were no longer any concern of mine. What was I thinking? Did I really want to get involved again? Definitely not! Why was I following Aaron and Gladys then? I stopped walking, willing myself to stand there while Aaron and Gladys opened up a good gap on me. When the two of them turned left onto Grafton Street, I waited another couple of minutes before resuming my own walk home. When I got to Grafton myself, I didn't even look in the direction they had been heading. Instead, I crossed the street and continued walking steadily towards my own house. I had to really concentrate on not turning early to change my route so I could walk home via Clara's street. I managed it, surprised by the desire I had felt to go by there.

I had believed that I was almost over Clara. Sometimes one or two days went by without me even thinking much about her. Why was she back in my head so strongly again? Nothing had changed that should have any effect on me. I thought about calling Mrs. Townsend, just to find out if Clara was okay. Maybe she was sick or something. I went into my bedroom and shut my door. I tried to get some studying done, but my mind kept going back to thinking about all the possible explanations for Clara's absence from our school. At five o'clock, I had worked myself up to being anxious on Clara's behalf. My mother came home at five thirty, and that was the only thing that prevented me from calling over to Clara's house. She took one look at me, and asked me what was the matter.

"It's stupid, that's all it is. I was thinking about Clara, and wondering why she hasn't been in school. Today I saw her new boyfriend hanging out with another girl. I started worrying, for no reason, but I can't seem to stop."

"I could call over to Clara's mother. I talk to her sometimes. I could ask her if Clara is all right. Make it seem like I was the one worried, because you told me she wasn't in school. Do you want me to do that?"

"No, that's okay. I shouldn't be worried. It isn't any of my business. I don't even want to be concerned about her. Don't call there. I'll be okay."

I went back into my bedroom and tried to get some more studying done before supper was ready. After talking with my mother, I had calmed down again. At six thirty, my mom called me to come eat. We were all sitting at the table, eating quietly. My parents would ask me to pass them whatever they needed, just so they didn't have to speak to each other. The closest they came to actually talking to each other, was when my father asked me to ask my mother to pass me the bread so I could pass it down to him. My mother handed me the bread plate and muttered something to herself in Hungarian. I didn't understand what she said, but my father must have. He jumped up from the dinner table, and walked off towards the basement stairs.