Chapter 41

Clara went to her first appointment with the Doctor. She didn't like it. She said he kept asking her to tell him about how she felt about Kate and those boys. He asked her how she felt about her mom and dad getting a divorce too. He told her that she could talk about anything she wanted to, so she said she had mostly talked about school. He had just sat there, letting her waste most of the time for that first session. I spoke with her on Thursday day night, right after I finished eating dinner. With Kate gone, I had to clean off the dinner table and do all the dishes by myself.

"Did you ask your mom about me coming over tomorrow?" We had been talking for about fifteen minutes, and she hadn't brought it up. I was wondering if she had forgotten to ask or something.

"Yes. I thought I already told you. She says you can come over to see me anytime you want to, as long as she is here, and I've kept my appointments with Dr. Shriver. She's going to keep making me go to him. I told her what we talked about, but she says I still need to go."

"I talked to my mom, and she says that your mom is mostly worried about you being so sad, and staying in your room all the time. She's afraid you might try to hurt yourself again."

"Why should I? That's stupid too! I did that before because they were fighting all the time, and I hated that. I hardly even see my dad anymore."

"Do you miss him? I missed mine when he left us."

"Sometimes, but I sure don't miss all that yelling and fighting. It is more peaceful here now. Why did your dad leave?"

"Because mom wouldn't let him send Kate to Hungary, and because she wouldn't stay home with us kids."

"That's why Kate had to go, because of your father wanting it?"

"They both agreed to it, finally, because my mother couldn't see any way she could just leave her business. She knew Kate wasn't going to stop doing things, and she knew she couldn't control her anymore. They almost sent me too, but my mom wouldn't let him do it to the both of us."

"I'm glad they didn't send you too. How long is Kate going to be there for?" I believed that Clara had been working up to this, trying to pump me for any information I could give her about Kate. I resented it, a little, but not as much as I had before.

"I think maybe for a couple of years. My dad told me that a few years on a Hungarian farm would straighten me right out. Kate has sent some letters to us, and it doesn't seem like she's changing very much. She won't be coming home until she has changed."

"Did she ever ask about me?"

"She asked me to say hi to you, from her. She knew she couldn't say much more than that though. I'm sure she misses you as much as you miss her."

"I doubt it. She makes friends easier than I do. She probably already has new friends."

"I hope so. I wouldn't want her to be too sad over there."

"Is she going to at least come back for visits? Like at Christmas?"

"It would cost too much. It's a long ways just for a two or three week visit. I think she'll only get back here when she is coming back for good."

"I'll probably never see her again."

"You'll see her again. They have to let her come back by the time she's twenty one, because she'll be an adult then. My mom isn't going to let it go on that long anyway. I wouldn't be that surprised if she gets my dad to let Kate come home before Christmas. Now that Kate knows what can happen if she doesn't stop messing around, doing things they tell her not to do, she will probably agree to be good if they let her come back."

"She might agree, but I don't know if she'd mean it."

"That's the problem. We all say we're going to be good, but we still do stuff anyway."

"You mean me? What I told you before about waiting?"

"I meant all of us. I've been caught doing stuff too."

"I wanted to try to explain about why I did those things. Especially after telling you I'd wait for you. I know I told you that Kate and I were just playing, but it was more than that too. After we talked about us that time, I thought we had more of a boyfriend/girlfriend thing than we had before. Then, you just ignored me for the next week or so. You didn't even say hi to me when you came home from school, like you used to. You just ignored me completely. I didn't like that. I figured you just wanted me to not do things until you were ready for me, while you went ahead and had all the fun you wanted to. I didn't think you were being fair. So that was part of it too. And, I was really curious about it."

"I wasn't trying to ignore you, Clara. There was something important that I was afraid about. I guess that's about all I was thinking about."

"More important than me?"

"No. I had something bad happen, and I was worried. I wasn't thinking of anything else, only that. I didn't do anything with any girls, or go out on any dates, the whole time I was waiting to find out."

"Find out what?"

"I had a rubber break when I was doing it with a girl."

"Oh. I didn't know. Did you find out? I mean did she get pregnant?"

"No, but it took two weeks before we knew that."

"I didn't know."

"You know, Clara, it probably wouldn't have made much of a difference to you. If Kate asked you to do it, you would have, no matter what."

"You don't know that. I didn't always do what she told me to."

"Usually."

"Okay, that's fair. But, I guess I should also tell you now that it was my idea for us to do it with Keith and Leon that first time. Kate only did it with Keith, because I was already letting Leon do it to me. After, when I told Kate about how it wasn't that good with Leon, she said it was all right with Keith. The next time, I let Keith do it to me, while Kate did it with Leon. We each did it again after, with the other one, so we did it with both boys the second time. Kate said that it was better for her with two boys. Keith was better than Leon, but not by much. It still wasn't much fun to me. The next time was at school. Keith and Leon had told their friends about us, and they wanted us to do it with them too, or else they said they were going to tell on us. So, that's why we did it with that many boys. It was dirty and uncomfortable, where they took us, and it smelled like people had peed in there."

"Look, Clara, you don't need to tell me about all of this."

"I want to, so you'll know. They had us bend over, and they did it to us from behind. They just did it to us, not even finishing. A few pushes in, and then the next guy did it. Keith was the only one who made his mess, and that was while he was watching the other boys doing it to us. Leon was supposed to be outside, watching, in case a teacher came by, but, something must have happened, because we all got caught anyway. They called my mom, and she had to come get me. They only had your home number for your mom, and Kate didn't tell them about the phone number at the dance studio. When my mom got there, she told the principal that she'd take Kate home, and make sure your mom knew everything that had happened. We were all suspended for two weeks."

"So, now that you've done it, does it change anything for you?"

"I wish I had waited. Mostly, because it wasn't that good. I thought it would be a lot better, and you seemed to keep putting off doing it to me. We almost did it that one time, but after I chickened out, you didn't really try to do it after that. You were so busy with the high school girls. Kate told me on the phone about you slapping her, and then telling her that I was just as big a slut as she was. Are you going to slap me when you come over tomorrow? I know I probably deserve it."

"No! I didn't slap Kate for what the two of you had done. She said something about being glad that my dad left, and then she said that it was what we all deserved for trying to keep her from doing what she wanted to do. That was what I slapped her for. She didn't care how bad she made things for everyone else, not as long as it meant she could do what she wanted to."

"You could slap me, if you wanted to. No one ever has. At least that would be one first thing that I saved for you."

"You didn't take any of the important firsts away from me. I'm still the first boy who ever loved you. I still want to be the first one who makes love with you. I didn't ever really want to just screw you." I heard a sharp intake of breath behind me. I didn't realize my mother had been standing there, listening in to my conversation. I thought I was going to be in a lot of trouble, but she came closer and just patted my back with her hand.

I told Clara I had to hang up soon after that. I went out in the living room, looking for my mother. I was afraid she'd tell my father what Clara and I had been talking about. I wanted to explain the context of my remarks, so she wouldn't get the wrong idea. She wasn't there. I went down in the basement and found my mother and father wrapped up together on our old sofa that they kept down there. My mother watched as I came down the stairs. She had been crying. I figured I was in for it now with my dad.

"Your mama tells me that you have learned something important, Larry. If she is correct, then we are both proud of you for learning this. You still cannot do what you were saying you wanted, but it is good that you understand the difference between making love and having sex. Both are enjoyable, but only one is enriching."

I was a little angry at my mother for listening in like that, and also for rushing downstairs to tell my father. I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to get into an argument with either one of them. I settled for reminding myself to always be careful when I was talking on the phone at home. I was pretty sure that my parents considered my private conversations as being their business, but I didn't agree with them. I asked them if it would be all right for me to go over to Clara's house for a short visit. I'd already checked to make sure Clara's mom was going to be home too. They told me to go ahead, but not to be too late, or to overstay my welcome with Clara's mom.

When I was let into Clara's house, I could see right away that Mrs. Townsend wasn't comfortable with my being there. We were all sitting in the living room, Clara was making small talk with me, and Clara's mom was sitting on an overstuffed chair, trying to read a magazine while we tried to talk.

"This seems like it's making you uncomfortable Mrs. Townsend. Is there something we can do to make it less awkward for you?"

"I'm not uncomfortable, Larry. I'm unhappy, and more than a little bit angry, but it's not because of you being here tonight. Clara went to her appointment today, but she didn't even try to cooperate with her doctor. Instead, she talked with him only about meaningless things for the whole hour."

"She told me some of it. She's a little angry that you're making her go see him." I didn't see any reason for the three of us not to try to clear the air. If not, Clara and I might just as well speak on the phone instead of over at her house in person.

"She agreed to go." Mrs. Townsend spat out the words, like an accusation. Clara then snapped at her mother. There was a lot of anger and resentment there in her voice when she spoke.

"You made me! I never wanted to go." Mrs. Townsend seemed surprised that Clara would be angry with her too.

"I'm not forcing you. You decided to go so that I'd agree to let you spend some time with Larry. I decided to let you, believing that you would make an honest effort with your doctor. Today, you made absolutely no effort. It was wasted time for both of you. Your father won't keep paying for these sessions, not if you don't at least try to get helped by them."

"I don't need any help. I'm not going to be doing any of that again. It was a mistake. Can't you just accept that?"

"Forgetting to bring home your math book is a mistake. Not remembering to brush your teeth is a mistake. Going into a room with five boys and letting them do those things to you, that isn't just some mistake! Normal thirteen year olds don't do things like that. The only reason I haven't been screaming at you, night and day, is that I'm afraid if I did, you'd go out and try to harm yourself even further. Do you think any of this has been easy for me?"

There was a strong undercurrent of anger in both of their voices. I'd never heard Clara talk to her mom like she had. I'd never heard her mom like that with her either. This wasn't turning into a very good visit. I needed to think of something to say to get things back to where everyone wasn't angry at everyone else.

"Clara, you went to see the doctor. You seem to want us to believe that you thought that's all your mom wanted when you two made that deal. I know that isn't what you really believe." Clara looked at me. Now she was upset because it sounded like I was taking her mother's side of things. "Your mom believes this doctor can help you. Tell her why you don't think he can."

"Because I don't need help. I'm not crazy."

"No, you aren't crazy. But, you are unhappy. Maybe that's what she wants you to get help with."

"I'm unhappy because my life is all messed up. My best friend is thousands of miles away, and no one at school will even talk to me. My father left, and I can't even see the one person left around here that still wants to see me. Not unless I agree to talk about all my private stuff with some damn Doctor who doesn't know me. That's why I'm unhappy!"

"Talk about that with the doctor. Talk about being unhappy. If you did that, I don't think your mom would care that you didn't want to talk about Kate or about those boys. Maybe she'd care later, if the doctor said it was important to make you feel better, but right now it's the fact that you're so sad and unhappy that scares her the most." I looked over at Clara's mom, waiting to see if she would contradict anything that I'd said. She didn't. We sat there, everyone not talking for two or three minutes. Finally, Clara spoke again.

"Is that true, mom? I can just tell him about what's making me unhappy?" She asked the question without any angry inflections in her voice. This was a big improvement, I thought. Her mother must have thought so to, because when she replied, there was no anger in her voice either.