Chapter 40

My mother went upstairs. I wanted to follow her, mostly because I was anxious to find out if she was going to try to help me with Mrs. Townsend. My father stopped me. While I waited downstairs, my father began, what I at first believed, was going to be a lecture. He was already well into it before I realized it was something else entirely.

"Larry, Clara doesn't need a boyfriend right now. She does need a friend though. Your mama and I have spoken of this, and we are both agreed that this is all you can be to her right now. Do you love her enough to only be her friend?"

"I already am her friend. I just want to be able to see her, and talk to her. I know we can't do any of that other stuff. Not now, at least."

"I'm not sure it would ever be good for the two of you to be more than friends, Larry. If you want what is best for Clara, then try to be her friend. There are other girls for you, and there will be other boys for Clara, in time as well. If you are going to be anything to her, be her friend only." My father was telling me his terms for allowing me to see and talk with Clara. The way he was saying it was quiet and calm, but I knew that he was putting his own, strict conditions, on any future relationship that Clara and I might be allowed. With my mother, I might have tried to improve on those conditions. I already knew my father wouldn't budge. "Larry, before you give me your answer, think of what Katinka needs most. Is that a lover? Clara is no different than Katinka in regards to her needs. What would you want for your sister?"

My father had already decided. My mother had told me before how upset my father had been by my use of Agnes's apartment, especially after my getting caught that first time. She had also spoken of how close I'd come to being sent to Hungary along with Kate. If he had asked me to give up every other girl, and just be with Clara, I'd have happily agreed to doing that. Even if I accepted his offer, I wasn't sure that I would honor his terms for it. I wanted Clara. I wanted her in all ways, not just in friendship. She was mine! As soon as that thought surfaced, I knew I was starting to act just like Kate had. I hated it when she kept pushing, but I was reacting the same way she did, when I was offered less than I wanted. It had never worked out to her benefit. Why should I believe it would be any different for me?"

"I love her, papa. She isn't like those other girls to me. I need to be around her in order to feel all right."

"Larry, what's more important to you? Is it Clara, or what you want? You have to make that choice, and when you do, you have to live with, and stay true to that decision. This is important to Clara, to her mama, your mama, and to me also. We need to be able to trust that you will do what we all think is best. Do what we ask for now, and, when you both are older, if you still feel the same way, we'll all sit down and discuss it again."

I wasn't in any position to bargain with him. I hadn't made it any secret about how much I was missing Clara. They hadn't even given me any firm ideas about what they would allow in this new friendship. Apparently, that wouldn't be known unless I did decide to accept their offer. Was Mrs. Townsend going to allow me anything when it came to Clara? I didn't even know whether they had already worked something out or not. Mrs. Townsend had mentioned to me that I couldn't call again until my mother told me it was permitted. My father had told me that he and my mother had already discussed all of this, and had agreed on this decision he was telling me about. My own earlier efforts to see and talk to Clara hadn't been progressing that well. This way, I'd be able to see her at least.

"Can I agree to it for now, and then change my mind later?"

"Change your mind before you do something you've agreed not to do, Larry, or after?"

"Before."

"Yes, but only as long as it really is before. If you break these rules, there won't be any excuses accepted, Larry, none. If you decide to disappoint me in this regard, you will find yourself in a similar predicament to the one your sister now faces. This is a promise that your mama has already made to me. Think about that before you decide. You insist on acting as if you were a man already, Larry. I got your travel documents too, at the same time we were getting them for your sister. You will no longer be punished as if you were still a boy. A few years on a Hungarian farm will make a man of you, if you prove to be unable to live up to any of your promises."

My mother came down to the basement. She was standing right there as my father was explaining this last part to me. I could see that his words were having an effect on her, emotionally, but she didn't contradict him. I knew how hard it had been for her to let Kate be sent to Hungary. I found it hard to believe that she would agree to letting me be sent there as well. There had to be a good reason why she had done that.

"Laurant, I spoke with Clara's mother. We have spoken, the two of us, many times since Katinka went to stay in Hungary. All she has left is Clara now. Clara, who is extremely sad and unhappy, and who refuses to consent to getting any help or treatment for her problems. For a mother, there is no sound that can be more terrible than listening to your children suffering. Unless, it is not being there to even hear that child suffering." She gave my father that look of hers, her eyes more closed than open, when she said that. They may have agreed on things like my father claimed, but it hadn't been achieved without some coercion on his part.

"Elza, you promised." My father stared back at my mother, not deterred by her look. He wanted her to keep her emotions out of the discussion we were having.

"I have spoken to her of this friendship idea your papa proposes. I think it would help Clara, and I know it would be better this way for you. Your papa suggested that we get your promise to remain only friends, without any physical contact. I have gotten him to agree to allow the two of you some hand holding and chaste kisses. Only for hello and goodbye, not romantic kisses. Clara has to first agree to meet with someone to discuss her problems. A professional person. If she agrees to do this, her mother will allow your friendship. You must remain in the company of one of us at all times when you are together. No going off alone, no trying to sneak off. Laurant, I think this would be good for you too, because you need to learn about real friendship. Lust and passion are not the same as friendship. As much as Clara needs a friend right now, your papa and I believe that you might need one just as much."

"I told papa I would try it, but I might change my mind if it gets to be too hard for me to control myself with her. I don't know if I can only be friends with her. When I'm with her, something strong happens to me. It happens with her too, I've seen it happen."

"Laurant, you know what will happen if you can't control yourself. On this, I am in agreement with your papa. You need to learn how to control yourself. Katinka is learning that now. That isn't how I want you to have to learn it. If you agree to papa's terms, go call Clara, ask her if she agrees to her mother's terms for her."

"What if she refuses?"

"Things will stay the same. If she cares enough for you, she won't refuse. If she does refuse, that might prove better than the way things are right now."

I went upstairs and dialed Clara's number. She picked up the phone after the first ring.

"Larry?"

"Yes, how are you? Did your mom talk to you about what you need to do?"

"She wants me to go see a Doctor, and talk to him about those things I've done. She thinks I'm crazy."

"She loves you. It's the only way they'll let us talk to each other. I love you too, Clara, and I've missed you."

"I would be too embarrassed to go see him. I don't want to talk about my private things with some old doctor."

"Okay, then. It's your decision to make. I'll still love you anyway. I really wish we could be friends again."

"Larry, do you ever talk to Kate?"

"No. It costs too much, and they don't have a telephone where she is anyway. She write sometimes."

"Can you tell me her address?"

"No. Listen, Clara, I've got to hang up now. I'm sorry that you won't do what your mother asks."

I put the receiver down and went back to my bedroom. I was very sad after talking to Clara. In my mind, I had believed that I really wanted to talk with her, even if that was all I was ever allowed. I had just found out that I really wanted her to need to talk to me as much as I needed to talk to her. Without that, my father's deal wasn't going to be good enough. I still loved her, but now I knew that I had been mistaken believing that her feelings for me were stronger than the ones she had for Kate. I loved Kate, and I loved Clara. I didn't want to risk being sent away just so they could use me to try to stay in touch with each other.

I used up all of the hot water in the shower because of how long I took in there. After I got out, I was in bed reading, when my mom knocked on my door. I told her she could come in. It only took her about one second to see that the phone call to Clara hadn't been a success. I guess my eyes were still red from my shower. They were sore too, so it started me crying again. My mom shut the door and left me alone.

Two days later, Clara agreed to go see a therapist, but by then, I was really ready to just be her friend. I knew now that I wasn't as important to her as Kate was. I was getting adjusted to it. In some ways, it made it easier for me to control myself with her. When my mom told me that Clara was going to see someone on Thursday, I told her that I'd wait until after she kept her appointment to call her.

"Call her now, Larry. Support her decision. She is your friend, and that is what friends do for each other."

I went and called her. Mrs. Townsend answered the phone. "I'll get her for you, Larry, but be careful with her. She is very fragile right now. Anything you say to her might cause her to cancel the appointment." She went and got Clara. I didn't say anything else in response to what she had asked me to do.