Chapter 12: Remembering Dan

Thanks to Jim for editing!

I knocked on Aiden's door and waited. At first I thought no one was home, but then I heard shuffling from the other side of the door before it swung open. Aiden looked directly at me, a little startled. Obviously he hadn't been expecting me.

"Owen. What are you doing here?"

"Um, hi... I was thinking about catching a movie or something. I thought I'd see if you wanted to come with--but, if it's a bad time..."

A small smile appeared on Aiden's face and he opened the door wider.

"It's actually a perfect time," he replied."Come on in."

I stepped past him as he closed the door and I took in the sight of his apartment. It was the same model that I lived in, except the carpet was a lighter shade and there was more furniture. My brothers liked open spaces, while Aiden's house seemed to have shelves and tables everywhere, covered in knickknacks that I wouldn't guess to be Aiden's. They reminded me of all the junk my mom used to decorate with. But then there were framed black and white photos on the walls. Some were of old buildings while others were of people. I wondered if Aiden had taken them.

Aiden closed the door and stepped past me, but stopped abruptly when a woman's voice called out from down the hall somewhere. I recognized her voice as Aiden's mother, only this time she didn't sound at all friendly. Aiden immediately seemed to tense up upon hearing her voice.

"Aiden! Who's there?"

"It's Owen, Mom," he called back, and then after a second added, "We're going out for a while."

There was no further response from the back room so he tapped my shoulder and then grabbed my arm to lead me down the hall. We stepped into what I was guessing was Aiden's room and while he opened his closet and grabbed a fresh shirt and a jacket I took a second to look around, every few seconds glancing in his direction as he peeled off his shirt to put the new one on.

His room was organized, like mine. There was a stereo system in the corner and a wall of music and books. He had a computer in the corner and a bookshelf covered with fiction, and one wall was covered in photos that I knew he definitely took. I was surprised at how many he had of my brothers. There were some of Janie, Leo, Ben, Jake and Ryan. Then I noticed some from our camping trip. There was the one Aiden took of both of us, one of the elk, and a few more of just me. I think I was feeling a sense of pride over being included on his wall of friends.

Then I noticed one picture in particular that caught my attention. It wasn't like the others. It was a family picture, professionally done in a studio. I recognized the woman as Aiden's mom. She looked beautiful in the picture, smiling brightly with no dark circles under her eyes. The man next to her was tall, with black hair and friendly looking. But, it was the two boys in the photo who caught my attention. One of them was Aiden, only younger. I would recognize that smile anywhere. His hair was a lot shorter and he was a little thinner, but one of the two was definitely Aiden. The problem was, I had no idea which one.

The boys in the picture were identical twins.

Aiden stepped up next to me and saw what I was looking at. I turned to him with an incredulous expression on my face, unsure of what to say, because he had a blank expression on his face.

"Your family?" I asked.

He gave a small nod and touched the photo.

"That's my dad, and this..." he said, moving his finger lower, to one of the boys, "is my brother, Asher."

I wanted to ask him where they were, but before I could Aiden placed his hands on my shoulders, turned me to face him and then kissed me. It was a soft kiss, but enough to have me craving more. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him closer, nibbling his bottom lip until he opened and I dipped my tongue in to taste his mouth. Aiden closed his eyes and pressed in deeper; I felt him rolling his hips forward and his cock inflating against my thigh, but suddenly his mother's voice intruded again.

"Aiden! Before you go bring me my drink!"

Aiden cursed under his breath. "Be right back," he told me, and then with a growl, he pulled away and stormed out of the room.

I stood silently, staring at his family picture. Aiden had a brother? A twin brother? I wondered if that was why he seemed so close to Chris and Tony. If Aiden and his brother were anything like my brothers, then they were very close. But if that was the case, why wasn't his brother there?

I heard something in the hall and looked up just in time to see Aiden disappear through another door carrying a wine glass and a bottle of something that I was sure was stronger than wine. Then there was muffled arguing for a few minutes before I heard a door open and I stepped away from the picture.

When Aiden came back to his room he had a smile on his face, but I could tell that it wasn't real. His eyes gave him away. They were sad, maybe a little angry.

"Ready?" he asked, grabbing his jacket and shrugging it on.

I decided that it would be best not to ask questions now, although I had a lot of them. Like, where was his brother? Or his father for that matter. The only person in his family I had ever even heard about was his mother, and I hadn't heard very much at that. But, if Aiden had a twin walking around, it's a safe bet that I would have noticed.

In the truck we were both quiet, but it wasn't the comfortable kind, at least for me. I was waiting for him to start the conversation, mostly because I sensed he was agitated about something, and I'm was pretty sure that that something was his mom. So I waited him out, knowing that he'd start talking when he was ready. I didn't have to wait long. We had already passed the mall and I was heading out of town.

"I thought you wanted to see a movie," Aiden said.

I smiled. "I do."

"But..." he stopped and looked over at me with a grin on his face."Drive-in?"

"Unless you don't want to."

"Sounds good," he replied, leaning back in his seat again. "I'm glad you came over tonight, Owen."

I felt him lift my hand from where it was resting on the seat, and when his fingers intertwined with mine, I squeezed and glanced over at him.

"Me too. I missed hanging out with you this week."

He started to massage my hand with both of his. God it felt good. It sent shivers all the way up my arm. It was like discovering that holding hands could feel erotic.

"Yeah, it's been sort of crazy this week," he replied."I mean, with work and all."

"School," I added.

Aiden smiled. "Making sure Ryan got all his homework. You know, I don't know why we bothered picking it up for him, he just talked Lacy into doing all the work for him anyway."

I smiled and then glanced over at Aiden again.

"Aiden?"

"Yeah?"

"Does, Ryan, um... does he know about you? That you're..."

"Gay? Yeah, he does. Everyone I care about knows."

"So, does that mean you're, like, out?"

"Well... I don't exactly go around advertising it, Owen. Being gay is part of who I am, not all I am. But I don't hide it, either. If someone asked me point blank, I wouldn't deny it."

"But, what about school? I mean, people can be less than friendly."

"People can be less than friendly without knowing you're gay," Aiden pointed out. "I don't think very many people around school know about me, though. But if they did and had a problem with it, fuck 'em. I'm not too worried about it. Like I said, everyone who matters already knows, so if it got out it wouldn't matter."

I fell silent for a minute, thinking about that. I had been outed at school once before, but I never actually had to go back to deal with it. I wasn't sure if I'd have Aiden's confidence if it happened here. Part of me wanted to say that it wouldn't matter, I don't care what other people think; but deep down, I still had demons to deal with.

What if someone did find out? What would happen? I could take care of myself, so logically I knew that if someone did start a fight, I'd be okay. But it would be different. Dennis had picked a fight with me at the dance and reasoned that it was because he didn't want a 'fag' to beat him. But he had no way of knowing that I was gay. Would it be different if he had? Would that punch have meant something different then?

What if someone wanted to attack me just for being gay and no other reason? Would I handle that like any other fight? Would I be able to defend myself? Or would I freeze up? The very thought led me to a flashback of my own father standing over me as he drove his steel-toedboot into my ribs. For a second there I thought I could feel the pain again and all the color drained from my face as I stared at the road ahead.

I must have been silent for longer than I thought, because I realized that Aiden had stopped massaging my hand and was only holding it loosely, like he thought I was going to pull it away. I glanced over and he was staring at me in a way I couldn't read. I instinctively squeezed his hand and his grip tightened again, immediately making me feel better.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," I insisted."Just lost in thought, I guess."

We fell silent for a few more minutes and then Aiden spoke again.

"Let me ask you something, Owen. Would it bother you if I was out at school?"

I glanced over at him for as long as I could before I needed to look at the road again.

"Why would it?" I asked.

"Let me put it another way." He was beginning to sound annoyed, but hadn't let go of my hand yet."If I was out at school, would we still be here now?"

"I still don't know what you're talking about," I said honestly.

"Here. Would we be here, going to a movie if everyone knew I was gay?" he replied, sounding exasperated. "Or would we talk at school while other people were around? You're obviously not 'out' yet, and I doubt you're ready to be. If I was 'out' would you want other people knowing that you hung around a queer? What if they started saying something about you? Would you still want to be friends with me out in the open?"

For some reason that question, as fair as it seemed, pissed me off. I found my response to be immediate, without even having a chance to think about it first.

"First of all, even if I wasn't gay, I have a gay brother. And I would never hide the fact that I love him just to keep my secret. Second; at this point, I wouldn't deny any of my gay friends to anyone, for any reason. Having gay friends has little to do with my own sexuality. And as far as you, personally, goes, I guess if you came out at school it would bother me, yes." I squeezed his hand when he started to let go of mine, and I quickly continued, "But not for the reasons you're thinking. Maybe it wouldn't bother you if someone gave you a hard time about it, but it would bother the hell out of me. If someone like Dennis Gordon or Phil Clayton decided to start shit with you because you're gay, I don't think I would handle it very well. But that has nothing to do with me either, really. It has to do with you being my friend. And you're right, I'm not exactly ready to be 'out, ' but that's my prerogative. But if anyone I cared about walked up to me tomorrow and asked if I went with another boy to the drive-in movies because I wanted to do more then watch a show, then no, I wouldn't deny it either--but that's just a few people, Aiden. I'm not sure I would tell the truth to anyone else. But if people found out you were gay, I really wouldn't walk away from you."

While I caught my breath, Aiden became silent again but he had resumed massaging my hand. When I felt him kiss my palm I glanced over to see him brushing my fingers against his lips with a sly, lecherous smirk on his face.

"More than watch a show, huh?" he remarked."What else did you have in mind?" And with that, he parted his lips, guided my index finger into his mouth and began sucking.

At first, I had no idea what he was doing, but as he sucked my finger I became increasingly surprised at how he was turning my hand into an erogenous zone. I watched the road as my mouth seemed to go dry and he alternated between my fingers, stopping in between to kiss my palm. I looked over at him as much as I could without taking my eyes off the road, and each time he was looking directly at me, his mouth moving over my hand. There was so much sexual innuendo in his expression that I thought I'd come in my pants and I had only just started to get hard. I began to wonder if I could get arrested for driving under seduction.

"Um, Aiden..." I noticed immediately that my voice seemed a lot deeper than normal, "I'm driving."

He removed his mouth from my hand long enough to say, "So watch the road."

And I watched the road, but my concentration was on the effect his mouth seemed to have on me. Tuesday morning came to mind. I had experienced his mouth firsthand then, how it felt around my cock. But I had yet to touch Aiden the way that he had touched me, and suddenly, that's all I could think about--all of the things I wanted to do to Aiden's body. But a flashback of Dan entered my mind, cutting into every lecherous thought I was having. It was an unwelcome intrusion, but one I had to deal with.

"Aiden?" I found myself reluctantly pulling my hand away from his mouth, locking my fingers with his again.

"Yeah?"

"Um... about tonight, you know, doing more than watching a movie..."

"Yeah." I could hear the smile in his voice and I couldn't help the way my own lips curled up.

"Well, remember Tuesday morning?"

"Uh-huh."

"When I said that I think we should let things happen naturally?"

Aiden fell silent for a moment and I was beginning to wonder if he was taking this discussion the wrong way, when he spoke up again.

"Were you not ready for that?" he asked.

"No! I mean, yes, I was." I glanced over at him briefly and held his hand a little tighter."I mean, that was... what you did... that was really great." I heard Aiden laughing, probably at the goofy grin on my face, so I shook it off and continued. "It's just that we never really talked about stuff first."

"Stuff?"

I sighed, beginning to feel a little foolish about bringing any of this up in the first place. It wasn't like we were little kids; if we wanted to screw around a little then it shouldn't have been a big deal. Only, I didn't want to just screw around with Aiden.

"Yeah," I said."It's just that, I don't really know what we're doing here, Aiden. I like you. A lot. And, there are so many things... God, when I'm around you it's like I'm walking around in a wet dream half the time." Aiden giggled but silenced himself when I shot him a look, but then I started laughing, too. "I'm sorry. I guess I just want to know what we're doing. I mean, are we just fucking around? Not that I wouldn't mind that, it's just that I've never..."

"You've never what?" he asked, his voice taking on a more serious tone, "Owen... Tuesday wasn't your first time... ?"

"No," I stated."No, it wasn't. I've done things before, Aiden. But only with one other person. And the last time, it was... different. It wasn't bad, but, I always told myself that the next time would be with someone who I really care about. I do care about you, but I don't know what we're doing. I don't even know if there is a we... is there?" I glanced over at him again, only finding another smile on his face.

He grinned. "Oh yeah. There is definitely a we." But then he became serious again. "Look, Owen, I won't lie to you. I've fucked around before, and I've been with more than one person. But, when I find someone I really like, that one person is enough. You're the only one I'm interested in, and to be honest, I don't think I'd like it very much if you, um, started spending your time with someone else."

I smiled to myself. I hadn't expected to hear something like that, but I was glad I did. I don't think I ever could have thought of Aiden as just a fuck. I wanted more from him. I wasn't surewhat yet, this was new to me. But I knew I wanted something. Call me greedy, but part of that something was that I wanted Aiden to be mine. All mine. Mine. At least when it came to a sexual relationship.

"So," Aiden said after a moment, "this other guy you were with--was he special?"

My smile faded as I thought of Dan again. I wondered exactly how I should explain him to Aiden, or if I was ready to at all. I wanted to be honest with Aiden, but the truth was, the issue of Dan seemed... complicated.

I had to think about my answer, and, thinking about it prompted me to try and sort out exactly what Dan Pierce was to me.

...

When you're a seventeen-year-old boy, truly discovering sex for the first time, it isn't exactly something that you can get enough of. Sorry, but that's just logic to me. Those of us with penises tend to want to stick them somewhere as soon as we know how.

Masturbation is nice and all, but after that first time with another, warm body, it can seem a poor substitute. At least, it did to me after Dan Pierce came into my life.

That first day I drove him home from school, I was so nervous. It wasn't because I was afraid of him. If you knew Dan Pierce, you'd know that there was nothing to be afraid of.

We were the same age, but he was built like... well, like a boy. He wasn't exactly the image of the tall, raw, masculine man that would pop into my head while I was masturbating, willing myself to think of Anna Crossle or any other number of girls. No. Dan was just... Dan.

Not to say that he wasn't attractive. He was no taller than five foot seven and his body was lean, and thin. If I had to come up with one word to describe Dan, it would be cute.

He had a mop of fluffy, brownish hair on his head that just looked like it would be soft to touch, like the rest of him. And he had these big, chocolate eyes. They weren't just wide, but they had a round shape to them. The guy definitely had a knack for making puppy-dog faces. He had a small nose flecked with freckles and his face was just young and boyish. But, if there was one thing about Dan that turned me on, I'd have to say that it was his skin.

He had the palest skin that I had ever seen. If you have ever heard the term, glow in the darkused to describe someone, that would be Dan. He was incapable of developing a suntan. He had the sort of complexion that required sunscreen on a cloudy day, and his entire complexion was smooth, unmarked and unblemished, except for the patch of freckles on his back, right between his shoulder blades.

I was definitely not afraid of Dan that first day, but I was terrified of the feeling I got around him. It was a strange feeling, like I knew that we had something in common. Only, thatsomething was the same thing I had been trying to hide about myself. I just knew, that if I was around Dan long enough, something would change for me. Something huge. And something did change.

After that first day everything seemed different to me. I had always known that I was gay, but with my parents, it wasn't something that I was happy about. I think a small part of me still believed that if ignored it, it would go away.

There was no more ignoring it when I met Dan. At least, hiding it from myself was no longer an option, and I definitely couldn't hide it from Dan. Dan was a revelation for me. A sexual revelation. I had messed around with girls but it was nothing compared to the places where Dan took me.

And I loved the sex. I mean, what guy wouldn't? And Dan never once disappointed me. When I was with him, I actually felt worshiped. His eagerness to please me, and his willingness to share and allow me to explore his body, was something that kept me coming back repeatedly.

I don't want to say that Dan was just a fuck, because he was far more than that. He was there for me at a time in my life when I needed someone to confide in. Dan knew me better than anyone else I had contact with. He became the one person in the world that I could confide in, and his friendship was, and will always be, one of the most important in my entire life.

But as much as I liked the sex and the ability to explore a whole new side of who I was, I had no romantic feelings for Dan. I won't lie and say I tried to feel that way about him, because I didn't. I did care about him, just not in that way. Looking back, I think that's the biggest thing that I feel guilty about, because Dan did feel that way.

Maybe it wasn't like that at first, but as we got closer, it became painfully clear that Dan was developing feelings for me that I couldn't return. He never asked me to out myself and he never pushed, but it was there. He was also aware that I was completely hung up on Nicky;and although he didn't mention it very often, that was one of Dan's biggest problems with me.

It was only three weeks before the accident, three weeks before the rug was rudely pulled out from under me and my whole world changed, when I realized just how much of a problem Dan had with Nicky.

I was at my parent's house on a Saturday afternoon. It was tradition to spend Saturdays with Nicky. He was my best friend, after all. We usually spent Saturdays at my place, and then Saturday nights I had dinner with his family.

At my house we used the basement my parents had turned into a second family room. We never used it as that, it was just a place where I entertained my friends. We could be just about as loud as we wanted to without bothering anyone.

This particular Saturday, Anna had joined us. I loved Anna, I really did, but I hated when she imposed on my and Nicky's Saturdays. Mostly because she liked to hang all over him and make me jealous. Not that she did it on purpose. But she still did it.

But, I had to give it to Anna. She never liked for me to feel left out when she showed up on Saturdays, so she always made sure to bring one of her friends with her, considering that I was always available.

That day it was a girl named Rachel. I didn't mind her so much because she never expected anything from me--she just liked to make out. And kissing, I could do. But while Rachel was straddling my lap on the sofa, her tongue rapidly assaulting my mouth, I was getting as horny as hell. My cock felt sore in my jeans, trying to burst its way out, but it had nothing to do with Rachel. I was looking past her, at Nicky and Anna. Or, more specifically, Nicky.

Anna had her hands up Nicky's shirt, and the bottom was pushed up over his flat, muscled stomach. I could see the glow of the thin layer of sweat covering his body and the outline of his erection through his jeans.

Nicky saw me watching and winked at me, so I placed my hands on Rachel's hips and pulled her closer, pretending that I was into what we were doing.

But I wasn't into it, not with Rachel. She was wearing lipgloss that tasted like bananas, and her feminine perfume was invading my nostrils and giving me a headache. I wanted so bad to push her off of me, walk over to Nicky, throw Anna out and show him just how much better I could make his body feel than she could. I mean, Anna's hand had brushed up against his cock more than once, but each time she strayed away from it. Maybe I was just being unreasonable, but if it were me in her position, I would be begging him to let me suck it, taste it, smell it--it didn't matter. I wanted Nicky, and in my opinion, no one could appreciate him the way that I could.

I was just about to go insane watching the way Anna's hands were sliding around under Nicky's shirt, while Rachel's perfume was making me nauseous, when the phone rang. It rang a few times before it stopped, meaning that my mother had picked it up. I heard her voice from upstairs a few moments later.

"Owen! Phone!"

Rachel pouted when I guided her off of my lap and got up to go pick up the wall phone at the bottom of the stairs. Nicky had pulled away from Anna and was looking at me curiously, so I just shrugged at him and picked up the phone.

"I've got it, Mom," I said, and after the click, "Hello."

"Hey, big guy."

The voice on the other end was one I'd recognize anywhere, and at the moment, it was putting me on edge. Nicky and the girls were both watching me now, so I turned towards the wall and spoke in a hushed voice.

"Damn it, Dan," I cursed."What the hell are you doing?"

"Sorry. I know I shouldn't have called today, but I've decided that I have to see you."

"You know I can't," I stated.

I heard him groan on the other end of the phone.

"Don't tell me Nicky again," Dan said, sighing."Let me guess, he's sucking his girlfriend's face off right in front of you and driving you nuts. Christ, Owen, when are you going to wake up and realize that the guy's straight?"

"I know he is," I shot back, getting a little annoyed. Dan rarely mentioned Nicky, but when he did, it was usually to tease me."Look, I can't talk right now."

"Whatever," Dan replied."Listen, Owen, when you get tired of fucking with whatever chick you've got over there right now to impress your straight friend, come on over. My parents decided to go out of town for the weekend so I could use the company."

Dan hung up the phone before I could respond and I grimaced to myself. Damn him. He knew that I spent Saturdays with Nicky. He also knew that I would come over the moment he mentioned that his parents were out of town.

I'm not sure how long I just stood there staring at the phone after I hung it up, but when Nicky suddenly touched my shoulder I jumped and turned around to face him.

"You okay, Owe? Who was that?"

I probably opened and closed my mouth a few times without any sounds actually coming out. Nicky didn't exactly know about my friendship with Dan. Actually, he didn't even know that I knew him.

"Hey," I said, sighing, glancing over Nicky's shoulder to where Anna and Rachel were talking on the sofa, "I've gotta go for a while. You guys can hang out here, I know my parents won't mind. Can we meet up later?"

"Go?" Nicky repeated, "Where do you have to go, Owen? Who was on the phone?" He was looking at me like I'd lost my head, but then he glanced back at Rachel, and then back at me and he grinned one of those huge Nicky smiles that I'd grown accustomed to since I was hardly out of diapers. "You've got another girl!"

I grimaced. Dan was in no way a girl, and I really hated lying to Nicky, but I suppose I had been lying to him for a lot longer than I cared to admit.

"I just gotta go for a while," I repeated."We'll meet up later, okay?"

Nicky grinned, punching my shoulder. "Sure. Don't worry about the girls, I'll cover for you."

"Thanks, Nicky."

"Not a problem, but you'll tell me who she is later, right?"

"Um, sure," I said, and then left before he could come up with any more questions.

I ended up sneaking out of my house without my parents knowing. When I had Nicky or girls over they tended to leave me alone. My dad knew that Nicky was all testosterone, and because of that, in my father's mind, Nicky couldn't be gay. My parents even encouraged me to have girls over. Girls meant that I was on the happy-hetero path. So, if Nicky was going to hang around my house for a while with Rachel and Anna, I doubted that I would be missed.

I didn't really care about what I would have to do later to explain things to Anna and Rachel, or even Nicky. I would come up with something later. Now, I needed to see Dan.

In part I was annoyed with him for calling when he knew that Nicky would be over, but as I drove over to his house, all I could think about was replacing the taste of Rachel's girly lipglosswith Dan's soft, boyish, firm lips.

Like I said before, Dan knew me well enough to know that I'd be coming over. The garage doorwashalfway up, enough for me to duck under. I didn't need to bother knocking, or even to announce my presence.

I entered the house through the connecting door at the garage, and I went straight up to the second floor where the door to Dan's bedroom was cracked open enough for me to see him.

He had just taken a shower and his hair was still dripping. The towel around his waist hung all the way to his knees and he was in front of a set of drawers, digging out a clean pair of underwear.

My cock had softened some since my time in the basement, longing after Nicky; but as Dan dropped his towel, revealing his soft, round, pale white ass and bent down to step into the shorts, it seemed to spring back to life without much thought involved.

Dan never got the chance to step into his underwear. He let them drop and stood up against me as I wrapped my arms around him from behind and dipped my head down to lick at that spot just below his ear, the one that always caused him to shiver.

"That was fast," Dan remarked as he tilted his head back to give me better access and placed his hands over mine, guiding them down his thin stomach to the curly thatch of brown pubic hair, still damp from his shower. I pushed my fingers through it, and then wrapped them securely around his erection and squeezed. That was one thing about Dan--I don't think I had ever seen him soft.