Chapter 12

Neither Kylie nor Candy returned to class, and the rest of the time was uneventful -- until he got to the girls' locker room. Half the girls seemed determined to avoid him, but the other half apparently wanted to make up for the neglect of their compatriots. He let them, but his heart wasn't really in it.

Kylie's little friend was among the ones who were avoiding him, but she'd been shooting him nasty looks all period. Finally, he made his way over to the bench she was sitting on.

"Ask Steve. He'll explain," he murmured, quietly enough that he couldn't be overheard. She glared at him, but nodded, and, surprisingly, blushed.

A bit later, he was truly surprised. Teri, an avowed lesbian with no interest in boys, dragged him into the shower with her.

Teri was tall and slender, muscular for a female, and on the volleyball team. She pulled the curtain closed and grinned at his expression. "If I had a camera, that look would be priceless."

"Probably," he said. "Um ... I thought you were gay?"

"I am," she said. "Well... 99.9%, anyway. There's sometimes an odd impulse. Here, wash my hair." She handed him the shampoo and turned her back to him.

"Mmm," she said a bit later. "That does feel good. Maybe I'm not that gay. I did this because none of them are gonna object if I decide I want to experiment and need a little privacy to do so. And you didn't look like you were having a particularly wondrous time. Not that I blame you. All but the bitches were avoiding you, and they were treating you like meat. Disobedient meat, at that."

"Thanks," Jason said, sighing. "Life sucks."

She turned around and hugged him, her breasts pressing into his chest. "Yep, that it does. But for what it's worth, I'm pretty damned sure that you're not the horrible monster they're assuming you to be. Sometimes things just don't work. My first love was straight."

Jason winced. "That'd suck."

"Oh yeah," she said. "Big time. And she felt like shit about it, too. But it happens, sometimes, and it's nobody's fault."

Jason sighed. "Yeah." He paused. "How did you know?"

"I don't know, not the details. But ... well, it's kind of obvious, and everyone -- all the girls, anyway -- know Kylie has some problems with trust."

Jason sighed. "That obvious?"

She nodded. "To someone who's been there ... analogously speaking, anyway ... yeah, it is."

Jason sighed. "I just wish she wasn't monogamous, or I was."

"And I wish my first girlfriend hadn't been so straight. Hell, if she'd just been bi, I would have let her have guys, too. But ... she'd never pick me over a guy. I would always be second choice. Neither of us could live with that."

Jason nodded. "Yeah."

"What makes you so sure Kylie's monogamous, though? She's never tried anything else. She's virgin, I mean. She might try it and find she really, really digs it."

Jason sighed. "I've talked to her about it. It's not the sex, it's the other stuff that goes along with it. I mean, I'd be perfectly happy to never actually sleep with anyone else, or things like that, but I don't think that would work for her."

She shook her head. "I don't know. All I know is that, about sex, she's really fucked up. Um..." she looked down at the floor, nibbling her lip.

"I don't know if I should tell you this. But ... well, we went out once. She asked me. Said she thought she was gay, because she didn't like guys, and wanted to see."

Jason's jaw dropped in astonishment.

"Nothing happened. She tried, and I tried, believe me! But there just weren't any sparks. She ended up crying because she thought she was a sexless monster. She's actually scared of it, Jason. Scared of the whole damned thing, and she said she felt safe with me, but not turned on. And I would have been exclusive with her, too. In a heartbeat. But that just wasn't enough."

"Fuck. Dammit, this isn't fair!" Jason said.

"Shhh ... don't give the cats an excuse. I'm just saying, I don't think she likes being the way she is. I think she'd change if she could, but she's too scared."

Jason looked at her, his pain evident. "How can I help her?"

"I don't know. Find what she needs to feel safe and turned on and give it to her. I know you turn her on. Everyone knows about the locker room yesterday."

"How do I find out without hurting her more?" he asked.

Teri smiled helplessly. "Wish I knew. Maybe you can't. Maybe she has to work it out herself. But ... I just wanted you to know, so that ... hell, I felt sorry for both of you, and thought it might help. Plus, I know what it feels like to be pawed by the wrong people when you're not in the mood."

"Well ... thanks," he said. "Maybe there's a way out for us." He didn't really believe it, though, and it showed.

She smiled and hugged him. "I do hope so." Somewhat thoughtfully, she kissed him. "Got to put on a little bit of a show, hon, or they won't buy it."

He grinned. "Okay." He stepped out of the shower, his best self-satisfied smirk on his face.

Teri patted him on the butt as she walked to her locker. "Not bad, not bad at all. Not something I'd want as a regular diet, but not too horrible."

"Thanks," he said, still grinning.

Kylie was already seated in the history classroom when he came in, looking very subdued and not a little bit embarrassed.

Jason sat down beside her. "You okay?"

Kylie whispered, "Aside from making an idiot out of myself and wanting to crawl in a hole and die of embarrassment, you mean? I can't believe I did that."

Jason grinned. "Well, she deserved it. Listen, can I talk to you at lunch?"

Kylie said, "No one deserves to be physically attacked. God! Some pacifist I am. I ... if you really want to."

He nodded. "I do. I -- got given some advice by a friend of yours."

"Um." She nibbled on her lower lip. "Okay."

The class went normally, though Kylie was very distracted and wouldn't meet anyone's eye. In the hall on the way to her locker, she was more embarrassed by the people congratulating her on her 'swordsmanship' than the ones groping her.

She leaned against her locker after putting her books inside. "I am never, ever, going to be able to look at anyone, ever again."

Jason grinned. "Sure you will. Um, library, you think?"

"Um ... would that violate the rules?" Kylie asked. "I'm already in big trouble. They're saying that I might have to do an extra week to keep from being expelled."

Jason thought for a second. "Well, I'm willing to do a second week if you are."

Kylie said, "Huh? You didn't do anything."

"Come on, Kylie," he said. "You know that I had a lot to do with you being upset. I'm willing to risk being in the Program for another week if it means I get to talk to you."

"Jason, you wouldn't be in it an extra week. It's not your fault I went psycho," she said.

He looked at her. "Kylie, if you're in it an extra week, then I'll be in it an extra week. That simple."

"Oh, Jason, that's so sweet," she said. "But it's not necessary. Look, we can sit outside, out under the trees and talk. It's far enough away we'll have some privacy, but still in full view."

"Okay. But I meant it," he said.

"I know," Kylie said. "Grab your lunch and I'll stake out our spot and wait for you."

When he reached her after hurrying through the lunch line, she had snagged a tablecloth off of one of the nearby picnic tables and spread it out under one of the big old oak trees. She was sitting cross-legged on it, waiting for him.

"So," he said, sitting down beside her.

She nibbled nervously on a small pack of crackers she took from her purse. "So?" she asked quietly.

Jason took a deep breath. "So. Um. I had a talk with a friend of yours -- she saved me from the harpies in the locker room -- and she said something, and I'm not sure how to ask without it coming across wrong."

"Wait ... harpies?" Kylie asked. "Did someone try to hurt you? Because of me?"

Jason shook his head. "All the girls who weren't bitches were avoiding me, which meant that the only ones near me ... but Teri saved me."

"What difference does it make?" Kylie asked. "You never cared who touched you before-- wait, Teri? Teri's gay!"

Jason nodded. "Yeah. So they all thought she was experimenting and gave us privacy. She told me she knew how I felt, since her first girlfriend was straight."

"Yeah, she told me about that," Kylie said, looking uncomfortably at her lap. "If anyone would understand, she would."

Jason nodded. "She said something..." He hesitated. "Okay, look, I'm not sure how to ask this, okay? And I don't ... it could sound really bad, and I don't want you to think that's how I mean it, okay?"

Kylie said, "Jason ... I know you don't mean anything bad. You're the most, uh, non-bad person I've ever met. You wouldn't hurt anyone on purpose."

He smiled at her. "Thanks. Okay, she told me about y'all's date, and she said that she thought maybe you didn't want to be..." He hesitated. "I don't know. Like you are. God, that sounds bad, I'm sorry."

"Oh," Kylie whispered, bowing her head. "She told you about that. I didn't expect that."

Jason reached for her hand. "Yeah. As part of telling me that we shouldn't give up." He hesitated again. "Kylie, I told you I didn't want you to give up on what you wanted. But ... I assumed. Do you want to be monogamous?"

She froze. "Jason, I ... I don't think I can be any other way. The thought of you touching that bitch Candy, letting her touch you..." she squeezed her eyes shut. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. It's your choice and I have no right to try and make you feel guilty."

Jason looked at Kylie, weighing his words. "Well, first of all, there's pretty much no chance of me being with Candy again. Secondly ... You trust Jamie, don't you? How does the thought of letting her touch me feel?"

"Jamie?" Kylie said. "I don't know her that well. She's kinda quiet. I ... I don't know. It hurts. It hurts bad. But it doesn't make me want to kill something like I felt this morning."

"Or what about Teri?" he asked.

"Teri? I ... don't know. It seems different somehow. It still hurts but ... it's not as scary? Does that make any sense?"

He nodded. "Because you trust her. Well..." He thought for a moment. "What if I gave you the chance to say that someone made you feel threatened? Say, I won't do anything more than oral sex with someone without talking to you about it, and giving you the chance to say no? Would that be a ... a compromise we could both live with?"

"Not ... not because I trust her," Kylie said. "Because ... because she's gay. She's not a threat. Even if you did like her better than me, she wouldn't..." She broke off and looked down at her hands.

"It would be okay because you know she wouldn't try to steal me?" Jason asked.

"Not ... not okay ... it would still hurt, but ... I guess. You couldn't choose her over me, because she wouldn't have you."

Jason said, gently, "Kylie, I've slept with a lot of girls. A lot, and when you're a football player, and good, you can get just about any girl you want. And I've never been interested in a girl like this before. Doesn't that say you're pretty special? If you're my girlfriend, I'm not going to choose someone else over you." He hesitated. "Steve likes you, you know. And the thought of you having sex with him doesn't bother me at all. But the thought of you being his girlfriend instead of mine ... that hurts. A lot."

Kylie wrapped her arms around her knees. "I don't know what to say. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't even know who I am ... I tried to hurt someone today. And part of me liked it. I liked people being scared of me. I liked not being scared myself, not feeling little and helpless. If ... if I can feel like that, I don't know what else might be possible."

"Kylie, she attacked you first," Jason said. "And of course you like not being scared." He paused. "Hey, why don't you take some jujitsu lessons? I'm sure sensei would be willing to teach you. And I know Mr. Roark goes there."

Kylie looked at him in disbelief. "Me? Oh please! I'd get broke in half. And I really am a pacifist. I don't believe in violence as an answer to anything, Jason. What I did today ... it embarrasses me, shocks me, and ... sickens me."

"Hmm. What about Aikido, then?" Jason suggested. "That's no more violent than stepping out of the way when someone tries to grab you. You can't do a thing to someone who doesn't attack you. But it would mean you'd know that you didn't have to be afraid."

Kylie looked thoughtful, then shook her head. "My dad would never let me, Jason. No way."

Jason frowned. "Why not?"

Kylie said, "He wouldn't want to pay for the lessons, for one thing. And he wouldn't think it was suitable for a girl. He thinks I act too much like a boy as it is."

Jason snorted. "Kylie, he's nuts. You are most definitely a girl." He sighed. "But we're off the subject. What I was trying to say is that, if you want and think there's a chance, I'm willing to try."

Kylie frowned. "I'm not sure ... try how exactly?"

"We find a compromise we can both deal with," he said. "I think you are worth the effort."

"Oh Jason!" Kylie shivered. "But what if I can't? What if I can't compromise? I don't want to hurt you either."

Jason took a deep breath. "I'm willing to risk it. Something my dad said this morning ... he was monogamous. Mom wasn't. But he said it didn't bother him. That's gotta mean we have a chance, right?"

Kylie's teeth chattered and she hugged her legs so tightly that he could see her skin changing color beneath her arms. "I'm scared."

"So am I. I've never had a girlfriend before," Jason said.

"What would ... how would we do it?" she asked.

"What do you mean?"

"How do we try? I mean, what would we do?" she asked. "I don't know how to handle this sort of thing."

"Well ... Let's start with that compromise I suggested," Jason said. "Can you deal with it?"

"I ... I'll try. I can't promise it won't bother me." Her voice was tight. "I'll try. I wish you were bi. I think I'd be okay if you just wanted guys."

Jason sighed. "Yeah. But, well, I'm not." He hesitated. "Um. If you wanted to do something with another guy, like ... Steve, or maybe Mike, that'd be okay. Or if you wanted to do something with both of us..."

"Jason ... you'd really be okay with me ... doing something ... with someone you think might, y'know, like me?" she asked.

He nodded. "Yeah. I mean, don't get me wrong, it'd scare me. But ... if it made you happy, yeah. As long as I knew you weren't gonna leave me."

"How could it make me happy if it scared you?" she asked.

"Because you would enjoy it. Kylie, everything about this scares me," he said. "I've never had a girlfriend. I know how to have sex with girls, not how to make love to them ... or how to fall in love with them."