Chapter 10

"Okay," Kylie said shortly when they reached the library. "We're supposed to research sexual attitudes throughout the ages. I'll take the primitive barbarians, and you can have the enlightened folks closer to now."

Jason carried his books over to a study table in the corner and sat down, pulling out a chair for her. "Have a seat a second."

"We've only got an hour," Kylie said as she sat down.

"I know." Jason nodded. "But that's not why we're really here. We're here because I asked her to give me the chance to talk to you alone." He sighed, looking at the table. "Kylie, what really happened? You haven't been yourself since I met you after first period. Something's gone wrong. Everyone can see it."

Kylie frowned. "I'm not a research project, you know."

"No," Jason said. "You're my friend, and I'm worried."

"Don't be. I'm just acting more like everyone else. Isn't that what you wanted?"

"No, it's not," Jason said. "What I wanted is for you to be happy. And I am worried. Please, tell me what happened?"

"I already told you what happened," Kylie said. "It didn't bother me, and no one hurt me on purpose."

"Stand up," Jason said.

"Why?" Kylie asked cautiously.

"Trust me, please?"

Kylie frowned, then sighed. "I guess standing up counts as a reasonable request, anyway," she said, standing.

Jason reached out and tugged her closer, then pulled her down on his lap. "I'm not going to hurt you. I'm here for you. Something happened that really upset you, it's obvious. If that happened to one of your friends, you'd want to help them, right? I want to help you."

Kylie was trembling slightly by the time he was finished. "I'm okay, Jason," she said, her voice choked. "I'm okay. No one hurt me on purpose. Please believe me."

"Just tell me what happened," he said. "I'm here. You're safe. You can tell me."

"Nothing happened. I mean it. Nothing happened, I promise. I'd tell you."

"Then what upset you so badly?" he asked.

She pulled her knees up, curling up on his lap. "I really, really, really don't want to talk about it."

"Please? Kylie, whatever it is, I won't think badly of you. I promise."

"Please, Jason? It's not anything anyone did, I promise. It's just me, okay?"

"But it upset you," Jason said, looking at her earnestly. "You can tell me, Kylie. I don't think you're a prude, or a tease, or that you are silly for not being like the rest of us. And maybe if you tell me, it won't bother you as bad, or we can figure out a way for you to avoid it, okay?"

Kylie half-laughed, a strangled sound, and tears filled her eyes. "No. I really can't. Not this. It wouldn't help. Trust me, please? I know, and I can't tell you and nothing will change that and nothing will help except maybe time."

"Why can't you tell me?" he asked.

"I just can't," she said. "Please believe me."

Jason looked at her, pained. "Kylie, it hurts me to see you like this."

"Then don't ask questions!" she said, pulling away.

Jason kept his arms around her, loosely. "But you were like this even before I asked. In the hall, it was like you ... just didn't care anymore. Like it didn't mean anything to you anymore." He looked her in the eye. "Like you were giving up."

She looked away. "Maybe it would be better if I did."

"No!" He pulled her against his chest again, hugging her tightly. "No. Don't give up, Kylie. You'll find that special guy. It may take you a while, but if it's that important to you, don't give up."

She closed her eyes, tears trickling down her cheeks and onto his chest.

"If it's that important to you," he said, holding her gently. "If it's that important to you, Kylie, it's worth waiting for."

"I'm tired of fighting, Jason," she whispered. "I'm tired of caring. It doesn't get me what I want anyway, doesn't get me anything but more fights. I'm just so tired. I wish everyone would just go ahead and take whatever they want from me so I can be done with it."

"Oh, baby, you don't really want that, do you?" Jason asked. "Do you really just want to let someone take something from you that's so important to you? And who are you having to fight?" He looked at her, suddenly worried. "This isn't because of lunch yesterday, is it? I really wasn't trying to say that you shouldn't be like you are, I was just worried you hadn't thought about those things."

Kylie wrapped her arms around his waist and started crying in earnest. "No, you didn't do anything wrong. But I do, I do! I'm so tired."

"Why are you so tired?" he asked gently.

"I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of caring what h-happens to me. If I d-don't care, it won't hurt!"

"Yes, it will," he said, hugging her again. "Who are you having to fight about this?"

"Everyone!" she cried. "What's wrong with just not wanting to care anymore? No one else cares whether I want it or not ... except you."

"Yeah, I care. And I don't think that nobody cares. Maybe there's a few..." He bit his lip, afraid she'd been pushed to have sex. "Are you sure you can't tell me what it was that upset you so much?"

Kylie shook her head. "No. Nothing happened like what you're thinking, I promise. It had nothing even to do with the program."

Jason looked at her, unhappy. "Trust me. People do care. There are some idiots, yeah, but there are good guys, too. Remember Steve, yesterday? He didn't try to force you, did he?"

She blushed. "No."

"See? He cared." He kissed her on the forehead. "Don't just give up. Not on something that's obviously this important to you."

"I don't know what's important to me anymore! Would you rather I stay miserable anytime someone touches me? That's what caring makes me."

Jason sighed. "Well, maybe ... what is it about sex that's that important to you? What is it that you want to have?"

Kylie slid off his lap, rubbing her eyes, and he couldn't mask the flash of hurt that crossed his face. "Things that are already gone." She leaned against the table, looking at the floor. "Intimacy. Respect. Self-control."

Jason looked at her, puzzled. "Okay. Um. I've gotta admit, I'm not sure what those have to do with sex. You can be intimate with someone without having sex with them. And I don't get the connection between having sex and respect and self-control at all."

She sighed and walked over to the window. "Yes, you can be intimate with someone without having sex with them, but you can't have sex... I can't ... without being intimate. Intimacy ... physical intimacy, I mean. I want to choose who I share my body with. I mean, it's mine, isn't it? I want to be in control of who I let touch me. I want it to be someone I respect, and who respects me. I want to know that I'm not just another chick, interchangeable. If sex isn't important, then why is it important to be able to have it with whoever you want? If it's such an unimportant, unnecessary thing, then what's wrong with reserving it for one person? And if it's not unimportant, then how can it be wrong to want my beloved to cleave only unto me? To show me that much respect?"

Jason stood up and walked over next to her. "That makes sense, I guess. But I'm not sure why you assume that having sex with other people means he wouldn't respect you." He hesitated. "If I had sex with you, and still had sex with other girls, that wouldn't mean I didn't respect you. Honestly, Kylie, with what I've learned about you over the last few days, I can't imagine not respecting you. And the physical intimacy thing ... remember yesterday, in the shower? How Steve held you, and I touched you? How did that make you feel?"

"Physically, good," Kylie said bluntly. "Emotionally ... like a fake and a whore."

Jason winced. "Shit, Kylie ... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I guess I don't understand. Why did you feel like a fake?"

"Because sex is important to me," she said. "But my body responded like it didn't care who touched it. Isn't it stupid to play the scared little virgin and still get off on being fondled in front of a crowd of horny guys?"

"No," Jason said, equally bluntly. "No. But I don't think that's what happened. You did care who touched you. You trusted me, and you trusted Steve. You didn't get off just because guys touched you, you got off because a couple of guys you trusted touched you. You're assuming that sex can only be important to you if you only have sex with one guy. That's not necessarily the case. You can have sex with more than one person and have it mean things. Maybe you'll never do the Orgy Room after the game, but you could still have sex with your friends and have it be that -- friendship. And maybe you have a boyfriend, and you have sex with him, and that's love, and what you do with your friends doesn't take away from that love." He looked down for a minute. "Oh, hell, maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. It's not like I've ever been in love."

Kylie stared out the window. "Think about it a minute, then. Imagine there's someone ... someone wonderful, and all you want to do is spend every minute with them, making them happy, making love to them. Imagine that having them touch you is the most wonderful feeling you've ever had."

"Okay," Jason said.

"Now imagine them telling you that you're not enough for them."

Jason winced. "Yeah. That would hurt."

Kylie nodded. "Yes."

Jason turned pale as he suddenly realized what had happened to her, and who'd hurt her. "Fuck," he said, his stomach churning.

Kylie straightened, carefully not looking at him, and walked over to the desk, reaching for a kleenex. He snagged her hand as she walked by, and when she resisted, digging her feet into the carpet, he whispered, "Please?"