Chapter 8

Zoe looked around the clearing; it was empty, save for signs of a fire in the center. "Good. This looks private," she said, sitting down, cross-legged, hands still stuffed into her pockets. She lapsed into awkward silence, staring at the burned spot on the ground.

Finally, she sighed and pulled out a cigarette, staring at it for a bit before lighting it, conscious of Trina's silent presence across from her. "You know why I smoke these?" she asked.

"No," Trina said, shaking her head.

Zoe smiled, just a bit. "Started out trying to get over being afraid of fire. Didn't work perfectly, but at least I no longer break out in a cold sweat and feel like I'm going to piss my pants if someone lights up a fireplace."

She looked into the darkness, feeling Trina's wide-eyed gaze. "I don't remember much about being a little kid. I've got a picture I think is my Mom. The one in my file is kinda little and blurry, but looks like the one I've got, I think. I remember she liked cats, and she made things— quilts and little pillows and clothes and stuff— and she'd try to sell it. My dad ... drank. A lot. He was gone most nights, and she'd cry and sew and cry and sew. Sometimes he'd come home drunk, and start screaming at her, and then she'd just cry. For days, sometimes." She sighed. "She wasn't a bad mother, I don't think, she was just ... weak. Couldn't handle things. Then one night he didn't come back. Got in a fight with some guy at the bar over a prostitute, got his worthless ass knifed ... that's what the file says, anyway; I didn't have a clue at the time. She just cried and cried and then one day while I was taking a nap, she left and I never saw her again.They came and took me and told me she was dead."

Trina bit her lip, shifting uncomfortably. "I'm sorry."

"It was a long time ago," Zoe said. "And like I said ... I don't really remember. Even with everything, it wasn't a bad time. I wasn't abused, or starved, or even yelled at. She killed herself, though. Because even as bad as he was, she couldn't bring herself to live without him, and I wasn't an important enough reason for her to try."

"I'm sorry," Trina said again, helplessly.

Zoe shrugged again, drawing her knees up and wrapping her arms around them. "Like I said ... it was a long time ago. After that, I bounced around a bit. First place they stuck me, I thought it was great for about a week. Then they caught me reading. Apparently it's'unnatural' for a kid that age to read, so it had to be the work of the devil. Whatever. Couple of other places that were okay ... nothing really memorable, and I wasn't allowed to stay anyplace long. It was actually a few years before I ended up anywhere really bad." She fell silent, staring down at the ground.

"I was ten when I learned not to cry. Crying's what they want. Never give them what they want. That was also the first time I ran away." She looked up, staring off into the dark with a dreamy look on her face. "It was great. I was so totally free. And it was so fucking easy compared to what ... was happening at home. Plenty of places in the city to hide at night, and during the day ... well, it was easy for a cute, skinny kid with big eyes to cadge a few bucks. I started making connections ... made a deal with some bigger kids, and they looked out for me and I split my take. Hell, I could always come up with enough to buy us all dollar burgers from McDonald's. They kept finding me and taking me back, though. I couldn't just run and go back where I was ... had to start over every damned time. Learned the city damned well, though. Made some friends who taught me to fight.Next time they took me back, I wasn't so easy to hurt, and I did just what one of my friends told me ... I threatened to cut his dick off in his sleep if he touched me again. They couldn't get me out of their house fast enough after that."

Trina was pale, but steady. "I'm sorry you had to go through that."

Zoe sighed. "None of the other places were as bad as that one. A few of them beat me, or tried to starve me, or were just assholes, but ... not that bad. And if it got too bad, I would run. Got to where I could go months without getting caught." She smiled, a vicious gleam in her eyes. "And me and some of my friends came up with a way to make enough money to keep us comfortable. A way that made up for things, at least a bit. I'd be the bait, you see. Down on the meat walk, right after sunset. I was thirteen, but looked ten. Any john who took the bait was guaranteed to be a monster. So I'd lead him into the alley for his $10 blowjob, and my boys would jump him and beat the living shit out of him. That kind -- the kind who expects to get away with it -- usually had a nice, fat wallet. And what could he do about it -- run to the cops and admit he got rolled by a ten-year-old whore?"

"Did you ... did you ever have to do it?" Trina asked.

Zoe shuddered. "No. A bit of groping was the worst that happened ... one guy tried to drag me into his car, too, but I stuck a knife in his arm and he let me go. Fucker got away, though, before the guys could get him."

Trina shivered. "I'm glad you got away."

Zoe swallowed hard. "Yeah. Me too. I doubt he intended me to live through whatever he had planned." She shuddered. "Anyway, it went like that for a long time ... me running if it got too rough, and them eventually picking me up and putting me somewhere else. Usually, the families I got stuck with were either childless, or had teenagers or grown kids. Then, a couple years ago, they placed me with a couple who had a kid. It was strange from the very beginning. The couple was ... weird. Neither of them worked. I don't know what they lived on, like, an inheritance of some kind, I think. But they were both almost always home. And they both totally ignored the kid. I mean totally. They didn't feed her, didn't talk to her, didn't even ever mention her. For a week, I thought she couldn't talk."

Trina blinked. "Not at all?"

Zoe shook her head. "It was fucked up. Then one night, I woke up in the middle of the night, and there was a thunderstorm going on, really nasty one. She was curled up in bed with me, shaking like she was about to break apart. I said something like, 'Scared, huh?' and she answered me... 'yes, please let me stay!' Well ... I'm not heartless. And she was awfully cute. So after that, she pretty much stayed with me. I made sure she had food, and took baths, and helped her dress. When she was scared, she came to me. I taught her to read. Her parents just kept acting like she didn't exist, and paid barely more attention to me ... I was there to do chores, and that was about it. Suited me pretty well. Then, of course, things changed."

"What happened?"

"I think the money was running out," Zoe said. "He started going out at night and coming home drunk. He'd yell and scream, and he'd hit Anne, the woman. She was ... crazy ... though. I mean, really, really crazy. She did whatever he wanted. If he'd told her to drink drain cleaner, she would have. One night, she'd cooked a fancy meal ... leg of lamb, stuffed mushrooms, all sorts of shit, candles and everything ... for their anniversary, I think. Well, he came home and flipped out. Throwing things. See, it was Thursday. On Thursday, we had tomato soup and crackers. He beat the shit out of her, then held her hand to the stove to 'teach her a lesson'. She didn't even fight. Just begged him to forgive her and kept promising to do better until she passed out. After she woke up, she fixed his soup with her blistered hand and thanked him for 'correcting' her." She sighed and shook her head. "Whatever he did to her, in her head it was her fault. Whatever he wanted, he had to get. It was about a month before he got mad at me ... something about the way I did the dishes, I think." Her jaw clenched, her mouth a tight line.

"He hurt you?" Trina asked.

Zoe laughed bitterly. "Fuck yes. He decided I was too mouthy to suit him. Then I was too rebellious. Then I had a demon in me, that needed to be beat out. The reasons got crazier and crazier, but the beatings stayed the same. One a night, pretty much like clockwork. When a belt didn't work, he moved to an electrical cord." Her hand went to her face, unconsciously rubbing the scar that was usually covered by her hair. "Would have been easier to take if he could aim worth a fuck. But I couldn't run. Even if they weren't always there, if I left, who'd feed the baby? Who'd take care of her? So I let him beat me. It wasn't as bad as some things, after all. And sometimes I'd look up, and she'd be there, in the doorway, watching, tears streaming down her little face. And at night, I'd lay in bed and hurt, and hold onto her, and she'd cry for me because I couldn't cry myself. But he never touched her. I swear, he never raised a hand to her ... I thought she was safe. That whatever weird bit of craziness that kept them from 'seeing' her would keep him from hurting her."

Trina nodded. "That would be logical."

"Yeah. But it was wrong." Zoe's voice was tight with anguished guilt. "It'd been about six months; he'd been beating me for three, and was staying out more and more. He came home one night, so stinking drunk that he couldn't even hit me— he just passed out. Later, I heard him screaming at his wife. Saying that the money'd run out, and how was he going to pay Scalpini? Did she know what they'd do to him if he didn't pay? And like always, she was offering anything and everything ... promising she'd get the money, that she and the girl — that was me, I don't think they even knew my name — could go on the street, like she had before they got the inheritance, to get the money for him, or maybe she could go straight to Scalpini in trade for the debt. He got real quiet, then he laughed. I heard him slap her, and call her a stupid bitch ... Scalpini would never want a used up old whore like her. But the girl, now ... that was a thought. He wouldn't mind the scar, he was a pervert, and she'd have more scars soon enough, anyway. Yeah, if he gave Scalpini such a nice little gift, then he might even do a bit better than break even. Might come out a little ahead. And no one would look for her ... those kids run away all the damned time."

Trina stared at her in horror.

Zoe's hands tightened around her knees. "I couldn't handle it. I panicked. I didn't even think, I just went out the bathroom window and ran like hell. I didn't go far ... just far enough to be safe, someplace I could hide out. I had to think. I wasn't going to leave her there. I wasn't going to just abandon her. I decided to stay close, call in anonymously to CPS. If that didn't work, I'd kidnap her, and wait for Scalpini ... whoever that was ... to waste his ass. But I was going to stay close, to watch and see what happened."

Trina nodded. "That sounds like a reasonable plan."

"Yeah. Reasonable. But he wasn't reasonable. He was fucking crazy." Zoe's voice was still tight, and she was trembling. "I don't really know what happened. I think when he realized I'd ran, he completely lost it. He sent the woman away -- I don't know why -- and as soon as she was gone, he grabbed Bren and locked her in a closet. Then he doused the inside of the house with gasoline. And himself. And lit it."

Trina jerked back, shocked, and almost fell over. "He what? Holy fuck!"

"I smelled the smoke first, and I knew it was the house," Zoe said. "I knew it. I ran, but it was already a fucking inferno. I could hear the firetrucks coming, but it would have been too late. I couldn't leave her in there to die. It was my fault. So ... I went in. He was thrashing in the floor, mostly dead and not even recognizable, and I couldn't find her. Fire was everywhere, and I couldn't see through the smoke, and I called her, but she didn't answer ... couldn't answer. I thought the whole place was going to go up. Part of the roof caved in, and she screamed. I found her in the closet, her leg crushed under a burning beam. God..." She closed her eyes. "I moved it, somehow. I don't know how. Her leg ... there were pieces of bone sticking out, and bits of flesh stuck to the beam ... it was black down to the bone in places ... she wasn't moving, I couldn't tell if she was breathing ... I got her up, and tried to get us out, but the ceiling was falling in, fire falling through the air ... it caught her hair on fire, and my shirt. I crushed her against my chest, putting her hair out, and ran like hell ... dove out a window, the door was just a sheet of fire."

"The firemen were there, and an ambulance. I'm not sure what happened ... they were trying to take her away from me, but I thought for sure she was dead, and I wouldn't let go, and then I passed out. I woke up, wrapped in bandages from neck to waist, with an IV in and hurting like hell, and all I wanted to do was die. I wasn't sane. I ripped out the IV before they even knew I was awake, and made it about five feet before I collapsed. Even then, I fought them. It took five of them to get me back in bed and sedated, and I kept fighting until one of them had the sense to point to one of the other beds and tell me Bren was alive. When I woke up again, I raised hell until they got a wheelchair and took me over to her. She had 16 pins in her leg, burns over 35% of her body, and bruises on the rest. I stayed by her until she woke up, just a bit. Just enough to look at me and ask me why I'd left her."

Trina looked at her for a moment, obviously sick. "Thank gods you did."

"No. I should never have left her," Zoe said. "I should have known he was so fucking crazy. I should have stayed and fought, or took her with me, or something." She shuddered. "I promised her I'd never leave her again. Never let anyone hurt her. I don't give a damn what it takes, I'm not breaking those promises. Not after I've already nearly killed her."

Trina shook her head. "No. Thank god you did. If you hadn't, you might not have been there to help her. If you'd been there when he decided to do it, don't you think he'd have immobilized you first? Tied you up or something? And if he'd already given you to that Scalpini person, you wouldn't have been able to come back. What you did is probably the best thing you could have done. It meant you were free to come to her rescue when she needed you."

"No," Zoe insisted. "If I'd gone along with him, I would have been fucked, yeah. But he wouldn't have had any reason to kill himself. And he would have gone on ignoring Brenna. She would have had a chance to run away herself. Or maybe I could have got ahold of a phone. Maybe I could have..." She shuddered. "Convinced the guy he could trust me. Played along enough that he'd be willing to do me the favor of going ahead ad putting a bullet through his head."

"Zoe, he'd have ended up broke again, and he'd have snapped," Trina said. "That last one ... maybe. I doubt it, but maybe. But what if he'd stopped not seeing her? He obviously did when he snapped, or he wouldn't have bothered to lock her in the closet. Zoe ... there are worse things that could have happened to her. Much worse things. Think about it."

"So?" Zoe asked. "It could have been a hell of a lot better, too. If I'd just taken her with me, he couldn't have hurt her when he killed himself. But I left her because I thought she'd be okay for a couple of days, and I was wrong, and she nearly died." She closed her eyes. "God, she looked so little in that bed, hooked up to all those tubes and wires. So tiny, so fragile, and when they'd change the bandages, nothing they gave her would stop the pain and she'd scream and scream and call for me and there was nothing I could do!"

Trina leaned forward, wrapping her arms around Zoe and holding her tightly. "I'm sorry that happened. But you aren't to blame for what he did, he is. And you were there to save her. Remember that, not the bad things. Maybe you could have done something to make things better, but I think probably things would have been worse if you'd done something else. Don't hate yourself for what happened. It's not your fault."

Zoe trembled violently. "You can't understand. I promised to take care of her. She trusted me. Her very first words, when she woke up... 'Why did you leave me? What did I do?' So hurt, so betrayed, and still thinking it was her fault, that she'd done something bad because if she hadn't, of course I would have taken her with me..."

"Did you ever tell her what happened?" Trina asked.

"How could I?" Zoe asked. "I told her it wasn't her fault. That I was stupid and got scared at something I thought he was going to do. But she's just a baby ... I'm not going to tell her what I was scared of. And she can't understand what would be so bad I'd leave her. I don't blame her ... I don't understand it myself, because I shouldn't have. I just fucking panicked and didn't think. It was so stupid."