Chapter 6: Life Sucks

Amanda Jennings let Miss Harris, the coordinator for the reading program, lead her to the room. She needed the help because she couldn't see. Until two years ago, when she was fifteen years old, she'd been a normal, fun loving, and quite pretty teenage girl. Then everything had gone to hell in an instant.

It had been her very first date. She'd begged and pleaded with her parents for years to let her start dating and had finally succeeded. She'd gone to a party with a seventeen-year-old guy who she'd thought was really hot. Of course, any guy old enough to drive a car would have been hot, but this one had his own car, which made it even better. 'Older... own car... hot... ' -- all terms she'd used in front of her parents, which meant even more work to convince them to let her go. She'd told them, they were going to see a movie. They should never have trusted her.

The party was a little wild -- with music, dancing, a keg, and spiked punch -- and she and her date both drank. He must have had a little more than he could handle, because as he was driving away from the house, he ran off the road at a curve and hit a tree. He was wearing his seat belt and walked away with a few bumps and bruises, but she had scooted all the way across the seat to sit close to his side and didn't have her belt on. Her head hit the windshield, her face hit the dashboard, and that was the end; her life was fucked up forever. She'd been in a coma for two weeks before waking up to find that she'd rather have died. The doctors were able to repair her broken nose and jaw and had capped her broken teeth, but they had not been able to fix her eyes. The combination of shock and compression had caused retinal damage that left her blind. Her life was over... Done... Kaput.

She'd spent several weeks in the hospital going through the series of operations. The surgeons had put her face back together with special, tiny plastic surgery stitches that left scars so thin they were virtually invisible and faded into the normal folds of her skin. They'd joked that they had taken special care of her to make sure that such a pretty girl stayed beautiful. She couldn't understand why they'd bothered, she'd never have a normal life now, so how her face looked didn't matter at all. A few nasty scars might have been a good thing; they would have kept people away.

Something sure kept Dave, the guy she'd been with that night, away. He'd never come to see her, not once -- hadn't even sent her a card. Her father had tried to explain it, telling her it was probably because his family's lawyer didn't want him doing anything that might show he felt he was responsible. Amanda figured the joke was on them. Her parents weren't going to sue his family; she supposed that showed her how much they thought her eyes were worth. Dave had finished high school and gone off to college a year ago, never even acknowledging that she existed.

She had missed too much school that year to be able to make up the work, so they'd made her repeat her sophomore year. That hurt too! She'd always gotten good grades before, but there she was, the same classes all over again. Her previous accomplishments meant nothing -- she'd flunked a year of high school despite high marks and was now a junior instead of the senior she should be. She'd liked school before losing her sight, but not now. And she had almost two more years in this hell-hole.

She was not only a year behind, but she was also a "Special Ed" student. The kind who had to be led around the halls by a guide. This was in buildings she should know like the back of her hand because she'd already spent a year in them. Great. She was some kind of baby who couldn't even find her own way around the school. Shit! She couldn't find her own locker without help, or even go to the bathroom here herself because many of them were arranged differently, and she had to have help navigating in them.

All of her former friends were now a year ahead, and they avoided her as if she was some kind of monster. All her current classmates knew about her was that she had been "held back," and she was sure they laughed at her when she couldn't hear it. She was passing her classes, but just barely. Why try? School didn't really matter anymore. What was she ever going to do with an education? She didn't see any future for herself, all of her dreams and plans had been ruined along with her eyes in the accident.

The school had her going to these sessions where someone would read a book to her. As far as she could tell, they were completely useless, since she could "read" the book herself with a book on tape. According to the "experts," the more personal reading session would help her understand the book better and would give her a chance to discuss it with a peer in an informal setting. Amanda didn't want to discuss the book and certainly didn't want to be anywhere near another teenager. She just wanted everyone to stay away and leave her alone in her misery.

Her English class was starting a new book, and she was back in the reading program with it. From what she could tell, the fucking program just provided an easy out for high school seniors desperate to fulfill their community service graduation requirements or give other do-gooders a way to get their rocks off. Rather than provide any real help, all of them just lorded their normality over the handicaps, namely her. This week some new asshole would get a chance to feel all noble and selfless by reading to the stupid blind girl. Along with everything else, that pissed her off even more, being the subject of someone's "community service" made her feel like more of a freak than ever. If she wasn't so damn mad about it, she probably would have cried.

The teacher introduced Amanda to the new reader; his name was Ken something, and he said hello to her. She held the book out to him, but played a little trick she'd come up with. As soon as she felt the fool touch it, she let go and the book dropped to the table. Ha! Even though you can see, you're still a clumsy loser, she thought smugly to herself. He asked a few stupid questions to which she gave snide answers. She wasn't going to let anyone get close; all they would do is hurt her. She'd been through this reading shit before. Like the others, in two weeks this one would collect his certificate, wallow in his nobility, and be gone. There was absolutely no reason to even pretend they would ever be friends.

She debated telling Miss Harris that if they really wanted to achieve something for both parties, the program should pair up students for at least half the semester, giving them a chance to get to know each other. But who would give a shit about what one of the program's "special" students thought. Fuck them. Let them run their stupid program their own fucked up way, and she didn't want to get to know anyone.

The asshole tried to make "pleasant" conversation with her. What the hell was he thinking, just get the reading done and go away. There was no relationship here, he'd come to do a chore -- to fulfill an obligation -- and being friendly wasn't part of the bargain. She was here because she had no choice, she was forced into it, and she didn't have to like it. Beside that, he asked questions that hurt. Yes, I'm seventeen too, I flunked a grade, I'm stupid, you're so much better than me because you can see. Satisfied?

Today, Friday, he just went too far, telling her about his weekend plans and asking her what she was doing. Shit. Shit. Shit. She didn't have any weekend plans. She NEVER had weekend plans. What could she do on a weekend? What could she do anytime but sit at home listening to her parents talk, listening to the TV, listening to music, listening to life going on around her and knowing that she couldn't be a part of it anymore. She might as well be the girl in that stupid book -- dead, and "watching" everyone's lives go on without her. Was he going out of his way to make her feel bad? Well, he'd succeeded! She felt like shit, because of the answers to his questions, she felt like shit for screaming at him, and she felt like shit for being unable to do anything for herself anymore. All things considered, she just felt like shit. She couldn't believe she was actually starting to cry about it.