Chapter 16

Greg listened to the voice on the other line for a few moments, tears filling his eyes and running down his face. He put the handset back on the table and moved until he was sitting on the edge of the bed, shaking from the news he had just heard.

Traci had awakened when the phone rang and was leaning on one elbow when Mandy walked in. She too was curious as to who had called so early in the morning. One look at Greg's face and she sat next to him, dreading to find out what he had heard.

"Olivia's gone," he said in a quiet voice. He took in a large breath and let it out slowly, trying to get control of his voice. "Her mother found her this morning. The prescription painkillers that the doctor had prescribed was on the table empty and she wasn't breathing. The paramedics said she had died early this morning, a couple of hours before her mom found her." He was so choked up that he couldn't speak anymore. He didn't break out in sobs; rather he sat there in shock with tears streaming down his face.

Mandy and Traci on the other hand had no problem showing their emotions. The room was filled with sobs interrupted only with bits of sentences such as 'I can't believe it.' and the big question on all their minds, 'Why?'.

They were all running on automatic doing the necessary chores to get moving. While Mandy arranged for a babysitter, Greg got a shower followed by Traci. By the time Mandy was finished, Traci had called into her work to explain what had happened and volunteered to take Jenni to the sitter. She didn't need the confusion that was bound to be around Olivia's house and she wouldn't understand. As it was, she was picking up on the feelings of grief and was unusually quiet. By the time Traci returned, the other two were ready. It was about an hour after the call when they arrived at the Miller residence.

The police and coroner were gone by the time they arrived leaving Cindy with her sister who had come over to be with her. When Cindy saw her daughter's friends, she lost what little composure she had gained and grabbed all of them in turn, thanking them for coming over between her sobs.

Cindy's sister, Megan, was one of those people who had to keep busy during a crisis. She made coffee and tea for the newcomers and splashed a healthy bit of alcohol in to her sister's cup. They all sat silent for quite some time each dealing with their grief in their own ways, and not quite sure how to express it to the others.

Cindy finally calmed enough to be able to start to tell them what had happened. She would say a few sentences then have to stop to pull herself together before she could continue. When she went to the bathroom, Traci whispered to the others that she was sure that Cindy was in shock. She was holding up much better than she would have expected, but figured that she would really fall apart when it hit her just what had happened. Megan agreed and said that she was trying to make sure that she had the support that she would certainly need.

Cindy came back into the room carrying a piece of paper. She handed it to Greg who looked at it in disbelief. It was a sheet of pink notebook paper, the same that he had seen in Olivia's notebook at the school lunch table. The writing on it was shaky but still in the girl's distinctive style.

To Mom,

I am so sorry for how my life turned out and all the pain and problems that I caused everybody. I messed up so bad and I can't see any way to fix it. I just hurt so bad that I can't take it anymore.

I'm sorry mom for turning out to be as worthless as I have. You tried to tell me that Jerry was trouble, but I didn't listen. I paid for it, but I also know that I hurt you and I wish I could take that back. You tried to help, but I was so ashamed to admit what happened to me that I just couldn't tell you. I remember how my real dad did the same thing to you and I didn't want you to think I had made the same mistakes after all you went through.

I am such a failure that Jerry must be right. Anybody who tried to help me, I got them hurt. When my best guy friend gets stabbed because he helped me that just shows that I am dangerous to be around.

I know he will get out soon and I just can't face that. I'm sorry. For what its worth, I love you all.

Liv

Greg read the note in silence. He paused and then read the words a second time. He could feel a rage boiling up inside him, mixing with all the other feelings that were swirling around in his mind. Keeping his emotions under very tight control, he handed the note to Mandy and excused himself, saying he was going outside for some air. Mandy read it as well, and then setting it on the coffee table, she moved next to Cindy.

They sat together for some time before Mandy started to speak in a whispered voice. "I feel so bad that none of us saw the signs especially after yesterday. I know she was horrified that Greg got hurt, but we both kept telling her it wasn't her fault. That it was Jerry who was the aggressor. I guess I was too worried about if Greg was gonna be all right that I didn't see it."

Cindy looked over at the girl. "You couldn't have known. If anyone should have seen it, it should have been me. I am the one who knows... knew her best. Olivia has been quiet the past couple of days and we had talked about the whole situation. The police offered her victim's counseling and she had decided to take it. I knew she was upset last night after she had answered a phone call, but she kept saying she was all right. I should have known better."

With Mandy on one side and her sister on the other, they did their best to comfort Cindy. They kept repeating that it wasn't her fault and that there really was no way she could have known. Mandy felt the words had a hollow ring. Speaking them was difficult because inside she was feeling the same thing. She had been with the girl the day before yesterday and she hadn't see anything other than the natural reactions of a young girl that had just witnessed extreme violence. Hell, she had experienced the same reactions. She kept thinking if she hadn't been so scared for Greg, maybe she would have noticed something was wrong. She felt like a hypocrite telling Cindy that she shouldn't think those things when she was doing the same thing.

Outside, Greg was leaning against the side of the house, his own thoughts running through his mind. First was the disbelief that his friend was gone. He saw her in his mind still as the laughing bubbly teen sitting at the lunchroom table. Then again as she was just a couple of days ago, her body abused and looking to him for help. And he had failed her. Damnit, it was all his fault. He should have come over to talk instead of just calling. She had sounded down on the phone, but he didn't think it was all that serious. Maybe if he hadn't insisted that she get treatment and involved the authorities. He had always been able to fix things and help his friends, but this time he couldn't fix it. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how much he wanted to, there was nothing he could do to fix this. He continued to sit there with these thoughts going over and over in his head.

An hour later, Mandy found him in the same position. Other people, friends and family had arrived at the Miller house, but Greg had not noticed. Some had commented about the young man slumped against the wall, his head down and hands buried deep in his pockets. Some had tried to speak to him but he hadn't responded. Mandy was worried about him when she realized that he had disappeared a long time ago.

She called to him and received no reply, so she gently touched his arm. He finally looked up at her and she was shocked at the despair that was written all over his face. She felt all of his grief and guilt and wanted to get him to unburden himself of it. At the same time, she was feeling the same things. When he finally came to his senses, he wrapped his arms around his fiancée' and together they stood for several minutes.

Traci came out to find them. Her eyes were red from crying and she seemed to be in a dream state. "Listen you two, ahhh, the house is getting full and maybe we should leave. Let her family be together for a while." The other two looked at her, but they barely recognized what she had said. "I really need to get away for a while, and I think you guys need to as well."

Traci drove home since Greg was in a complete daze. She knew - had known- Olivia but not as well as her two lovers. It was natural that she would feel the loss, but not as deeply as they did. Still, she had shed many tears today for the loss of a young woman whose life was just beginning. She also grieved for the loss of innocence experienced by Greg and Mandy. When her grandmother had died, she had gone through what they were feeling now. She felt for Mandy who had never experienced the death of someone close to her, but mostly for Greg who had come up against something that he couldn't fix. He said as much to her on the way home and she could tell that it hit him very hard.

The next few days were just a blur for them all. They would recall bits and pieces much later, but most of it was lost in a fog of grief and guilt. One thing that Mandy and Traci both noticed was that Greg would not go back to see Cindy Miller after that first day. Mandy had to force him to go to the funeral.

The funeral was beautiful, befitting the girl it was to remember. The church where it was held was packed with people who knew Olivia and her mother. There were so many flowers around the white casket that it was almost obscured from view. Many of the students who went to school with Olivia had come to pay their respects. So many came that they spilled out the church doors and onto the lawn outside. The pastor who gave the eulogy knew the family well and talked about Olivia's life in a very positive way. Then people who knew her were asked to share their thoughts about her. Mandy and Traci both thought it was important for Greg speak since he had known her for quite a while and he would probably regret it later if he remained silent. It would help Cindy in her grief to hear from him too. Greg agonized over the proper words, but after talking to his lovers as well as a priest who was a friend of his mother, he had settled on what would be best. He was just hoping he could get through it. He stood, and in a tight voice, began speaking.

"I became aware of Olivia when she started hanging around me at school, a sophomore who wasn't sure of just who she was. I was struck not only by her appearance, but also by the wonderful person who was just underneath the surface. We spent our lunch hours together and I learned so much about her. How much she cared for those close to her. How much she loved her mother, and how important her mother's influence was to her.

"I think I will remember her always as the bubbly girl who could charm anyone she chose to and who evolved into the wonderful young woman that is gone to soon." He stopped there because his voice was starting to quiver and he refused to show those emotions to the crowd. As soon as he pulled himself together, he continued. "Olivia touched more people than she could ever have known. I know I will miss her a lot and will never forget what she meant to me."

He quickly sat down and stared at his hands in his lap. Mandy and Traci both tried to comfort him, but while he accepted their efforts, he remained silent.

Many of the other mourners gave their thoughts as well. They talked about the way she seemed to the world; a normal teen that was generally happy. Nothing was said about the demons that lived within her and she hid so well. Not spoken, but they were on the mind of many of the people there, Greg was sure of it.

At long last, the service ended. Those attending filed past the open casket where Olivia lay, wearing the prom dress she had worn just a few months earlier. Separately, Greg and Mandy both remembered how happy she had been that night, dancing like nothing else mattered but then. She did look at peace. The pain, both mental and physical was gone from her face. It had been passed on to those who were left behind.

The trio did not attend the graveside service. They went home, each one lost in their own thoughts and memories. Nobody was in the mood to cook, so they ordered some Thai from the shop in the mini-mall. When it was time to go to bed, Greg found himself holding both Mandy and Traci as they all drifted off. The girls had told him that they needed to be held and to be close and he was happy to oblige.

Over the next week, things were starting to return to normal, at least for Mandy and Traci. Greg seemed to be lost in a world of guilt. Both women tried to talk to him but he would swear that nothing was wrong and put on a front that everything was normal. However, they would see him often staring off in space when his favorite programs were on television. He even stopped going to the dojo for his workouts and cancelled his classes at the women's shelter.

Where it showed the most was in his lovemaking, or rather the lack of that activity. He made excuses and when questioned about it, he would go through the motions, but his heart just wasn't in it.

After another few weeks of this, Mandy knew she had to do something. When he tried to back out of going on the trip to New York, she finally sat him down.

"Sweetheart, I think I probably know just what is bothering you."

"There's nothing wrong, I just do feel like going."

"There is something wrong and you just won't face it."

Greg started to get angry. He tried to deny again that anything was wrong. When Mandy refused to accept that answer, he tried to tell her that she couldn't understand what he was feeling. That tactic didn't work either.

He was about to say something else when Mandy held up her hand to stop his answer. "Now just shut up and let me talk. You have been walking around here beating yourself up about Olivia and keeping the rest of your life on hold. You keep thinking that you could have stopped her if you had known. Well, you couldn't! You ain't Superman, you know. And nobody expects you to be. The only person who is blaming you is yourself. You have locked yourself in this cycle of guilt and it is tearing you up! You don't even notice we are around at all, and you haven't even played with Jenni like you normally do. I think she noticed, even if you haven't. If you won't talk to me or Traci, you need to talk to somebody. Why don't you go and talk to Olivia?"

Greg looked at her like she was crazy. "I can't do that. What do you want me to do, go out to the graveyard and talk to a headstone? It wouldn't do any good and I would feel like a fool." He knew deep down that she was right about what she had said, but that last suggestion didn't make sense to his rational mind.

But Mandy could be just as stubborn as Greg when she felt someone she loved was threatened. And Greg was threatened by his own mind. "Foolish or not, I think you should at least try it. I'm not as religious as I used to be, but I still believe that good people go to heaven and they can look down on us. Maybe if you get your feelings out, it will start the healing that you need. Who knows? Maybe Olivia will hear you."

Greg tried to argue but in the end he found himself on his bike headed to the cemetery where Olivia was buried. He asked at the office for directions and was soon standing at her gravesite. There was a headstone that looked like it had been placed there just a couple of days before. Between the doves that were carved on each side was Olivia's name and the dates of her birth and death. Below that were the words 'Beloved Daughter and Friend'.