Chapter 1

"If I only knew then what I know now."

How many times have you heard that? How many times have you said that? Be honest, How many times have you wished that you could go back to some point in your past, re-live some crux. Perhaps you have dreamed that if you could go back to where/whenever and change your actions or the actions of another then you or the ones you love might benefit in some way. Perhaps you could take back something you said or did, correct some wrong.

I'm going to tell you a story now. It's a bit disturbing, and a lot difficult to believe, but it's the truth. It all started rather oddly. I was driving home from a trip out to the mountains. I had been fishing and hadn't caught anything. I had found what looked like an arrowhead. It was strange in that it was large, (about 6 inches long) and appeared to be made of jade. I looked down at the object lying on the seat next to me, and wondered, "How old is it? What tribe made it?" I knew nothing about Indian artifacts, and wasn't really all that curious about it, but it was the only interesting thing that had happened that weekend.

When I got home, I put my gear away, and sat down to watch the news. After a while, I picked up the arrowhead and began to fiddle with it. It was very sharp for such an old artifact, I was amazed at this and decided to test the edge. Like an idiot, I pulled the tip of my finger across the edge, and it cut me. A drop of blood fell to my lap and I looked down at the injury my stupidity had caused me and shouted, "Damn! I wish I hadn't done that!"

A strange buzzing sound filled my head for a moment, and I looked down at my finger to see absolutely no sign of the cut! The drop of blood was still on my leg, and there was some on the arrowhead, but all evidence of the cut had vanished. Now, I'm not the most brilliant guy around, but it was obvious even to me that something out of the ordinary had just happened. I wondered if I was losing my mind. I didn't feel crazy, but how would I be able to tell? I mean I've met a few "crazy" people, and most of them seemed to be of the opinion that I was the crazy one, not them. This seemed to amuse some corner of my mind, and I fell into a long session of contemplating what had happened and speculating about the meaning of it all.

Eventually I tired, and knowing I had an early morning, I went to bed. I didn't sleep well that night. The next morning I woke with that "Monday" feeling, dreading the trip in to the office, knowing that Coleman was going to be dumping some onerous new chore in my lap. I rolled over on my back and slowly opened my eyes. Sunlight was streaming through the window on my left and I was beginning to enjoy the warmth when it dawned on me.

Window on my left??? What the fuck??? My bedroom window was across the room from my bed, not on my left! Where am I? I sat up in bed, and looked around. What I saw was the most mind-blowing thing I had ever experienced and I began seriously doubting my sanity now! This was my childhood bedroom! I hadn't slept here since I was 17 and the place didn't even exist anymore!

I got up out of bed and made my way to the closet. My mind was numb. I knew that something was terribly wrong and wasn't sure if the problem was with the universe or me! I was desperately hoping for the former! As I opened the closet door, I looked inside and beheld the wardrobe of a young teenaged boy. I remembered all the things in that closet. The games, toys, clothes, and books as if I still possessed all of them. Slowly it began to dawn upon me that if I was in my old room (circa 8th grade), and I was looking at my old possessions, then what had happened to me? I mean, we're back to the question of whether the world or myself had gone crazy, and I decided that it was time to find out. I turned around and walked over to the old dresser. What I saw in the mirror was a little hard to take. There was a 14 year old boy standing there wearing a pair of briefs that were about 6 sizes too big for him! I fainted dead away.

I don't know for sure how long I was out, but I was awakened by my mother's call to breakfast. Mom? Mom was dead. She had been gone for 3 years. And the last time she was physically able to make breakfast or call out that loudly was at least 10 years ago. I got dressed (with some difficulty) and slowly opened the door and walked down the familiar hall to the kitchen and sat down at the table. I couldn't look at my mother, I was afraid of what she might see in my face and the old secrecy that every teenaged boy uses to guard his life, feelings, and activities from his parents came flooding back over me. I can't explain how it was that I began to slip into my old identity; perhaps it was some kind of mental self-defense. I mean waking up and finding yourself 31 years younger and back in your old childhood home is to say the least, a bit of a shock to the system! Perhaps my mind was adjusting on it's own in the best way that it could. I was still curious about what had happened and how, but I was gradually becoming aware that this could also be a wonderful thing, too!

I began to wonder exactly what the date was so I looked around the table until my eyes fastened upon the morning paper. I asked, (somewhat huskily) "Mom, Is that today's paper?" "Yes, honey, it is. Dad's done with it. You want to work the crossword?" "Uh, yeah, I'll take it with me to school and work it at lunch." Mom gave me a funny look and said, "Buddy, there's no school today, it's the middle of summer! Do you feel alright?" "Uh, yeah, I'm just still a little tired. I didn't sleep well last night. I think I'll just go out on the patio and work this puzzle."

As I sat down at the patio table, I opened the paper, closed my eyes and tried to calm my breathing. I knew this was going to be a shocking confirmation of what I already knew, and wanted to avoid crying out or fainting again. Gradually I opened my eyes and looked at the front page of the paper. The headline was about Vietnam! The date was June 28th, 1971. This placed me squarely in the middle of the summer between the 8th and 9th grade! In spite of my best efforts at self-control, my head began to spin! "Holy shit!" I exclaimed out loud.

"Whatcha doin, Buddy?" It was the sweetest little girl voice you ever heard. I recognized that voice, I knew it well. I looked up into the angelic face of Jenny Crane, my next-door neighbor. I grew up with this girl. She was one year younger than me and we were fast friends. Suddenly about 8 tons of grief fell over me and I began crying uncontrollably. See, Jenny had died in a house fire in her sophomore year of high school. I had taken her death very hard and really never recovered from it. I remembered all the times we had been together as children and speculated about our growing up and getting married, about the house we would live in, the kids we would have, all that at the age of 8, 9, or 10 years old. I always knew she understood it was just childish dreaming but what she never knew was that for me, it was deadly serious. From the age of 8, I knew that I would one day marry this lovely creature. I loved her deeply and always had for as long as I could remember. The greatest regret of my entire life was that I never told her how much I loved her. She was simply beautiful. Tall and lean, with Light brown hair that fell to the middle of her back, Deep blue eyes, soft lips, and her figure was just beginning to fill out. Her breasts were just discernable, and (now that I think of it, they never did get very big. Maybe a 32B in the 10th grade) her bottom was round and firm.

All the above musing took place in a matter of moments as I sat there gazing at her beauty and softly crying. Jenny's face took on an immediate look of concern and she asked "What's wrong, Buddy? My God! What's happened?" Suddenly I jumped up out of the chair and took her in my arms. I hugged her tightly to me and sobbed into her neck. "Buddy, you're scaring me! What happened? Can I help? Please! Tell me what's wrong?" Her arms went around me and we were hugging tightly as I sobbed a little longer and then out of my mouth came "Oh, Jenny! Oh God, Jenny, I love you so much! I've missed you so!" I began kissing her neck and running my hands up and down her back. The smell of her was wonderful, the feel of her soft skin under that light little dress so comforting, I just lost myself in her while my wracking sobs died down. Eventually we broke our embrace and she took my face in her hands and looked into my eyes, searching for a clue, as I hadn't yet told her why I was acting like this. She kissed me on the cheek and said, "I love you too, Buddy. Funny neither of us has ever said that, but I know it's true. I've always known. But what I want to know is what has happened to make you act like this? You say you've missed me, but I just saw you last night before dinner, and everything seemed fine then. Obviously something has happened and I want to know what. Now!"

"Uh, Jenny, I don't think you are going to believe it. I mean, I am the one it's happened to, and I don't believe it! I just don't know what to do." Jenny seemed to understand that I would get to the point in my own time and she didn't press. We sat down under the old elm tree on the ground and Held hands. (Funny, we had never done that) Finally, I looked over at her angelic face and said, "I don't know how to tell you this, but Jenny, I'm a 45 year old man, and you died in a house fire when I was 16 years old. I don't understand how I came to be here at this place and time, but here I am, and I'm afraid I'm losing my mind. When I looked up and saw your lovely face I suddenly relived those horrible months after your house burned and all the grief I felt over losing you and all the guilt from never telling you how dear you were to me just fell down upon me. I'm sorry, I know I'm babbling, but I'm still confused by the whole thing." I pulled her into my arms and hugged her tightly again and began kissing and nibbling her neck and jaw. I took her face in my hands and kissed her soundly on the lips. Her arms went around me and the air was filled with our soft moans and the wet sounds of kissing. Our tongues met and began a passionate dance and when I felt like I was about to pass out again, I pulled back from her and sat gazing into her eyes.

Finally, Jenny spoke. "Buddy, I don't know what to say. Do you understand how insane this sounds?" I just sat there and said nothing, so Jenny continued. "Buddy, I think you need to tell me more of your story. I mean, I don't understand any of this, but I can tell you're very upset. I've known you all my life and I've always depended on you. Seeing you like this is scaring me, and I don't like it."

I could never hide anything from Jenny, and not telling her about all of this had not occurred to me anyway, so I took a deep breath, took both of her hands in mine, and proceeded to tell her the whole story. I started with how I had grown up, gone to college, entered my career (this was tricky, as I am a computer system's analyst and the kinds of computers I work on didn't exist until years after all of this) and lived a rather dull and unfulfilling life. I told her about my marriage, how it ended, and about my daughter and how she turned out so badly. I explained to her that after the divorce and years of unsuccessful dating I had finally just given myself over to the life of the lonely bachelor and my work. I told her about the fishing trip and the arrowhead. And finally, how I had just gotten out of bed to find myself here in my old life again. It all just kind of spilled out of me and I finally ran down.