Chapter 8

We were up and through our chores in record time. We didn't bother with breakfast, but piled in the pickup and drove over.

Claude, Martha and Karen were in the living room when we got there. Karen had been crying, so Patty and I sat on either side of her and put our arms around her. "What's wrong, Honey?" I asked.

"Mom will tell you," was all she would say.

Martha brought coffee for all of us, then she said, "Over the last few months, I've started noticing that I was losing weight. It wasn't a rapid loss or anything so I didn't think much about it. Then, I started having some pain in my upper back. Our mattress is almost fifteen years old, so I blamed the pain on that. It was just last week that I started noticing that my urine was almost brown. When I looked closely at myself in the mirror, I thought I could see that my skin color was rather yellow."

She stopped and took a sip of coffee. "I was afraid there was something wrong with my liver, so I went to the doctor on Monday. He gave me an exam and drew some blood for tests. He called me on Wednesday and said they wanted to do a CAT scan and that he wanted to see Claude and me on Friday. I had the CAT scan done and we went back in yesterday."

Martha got all choked up and couldn't go on. Claude looked like someone had been pounding him in the stomach, but he said, "Martha has cancer of the pancreas. Our doctor told us a lot about it, and none of it is good. If they can catch it early, there is a surgical procedure they can do and they're having good results with it. Unfortunately Martha's wasn't detected early."

"The doctor said that basically my entire pancreas is eaten up by cancer," Martha said after regaining her composure. "He said there isn't any treatment for pancreatic cancer when it is this far advanced."

"Can't they just remove the pancreas?" Patty asked.

"No, Honey," Martha said. "You can't live without a pancreas. He also said the cancer has metastasized. It's in other organs as well."

"What does that mean?" Patty asked again. I knew exactly what it meant.

"Honey, it means I'm going to die, very soon."

"But..." Patty started, but I squeezed her shoulder and when she looked at me I shook my head.

Karen was sobbing quietly while Martha had been talking. All I could do was hold her. Mom had been quiet, but now, she asked, "Did he give you any idea how long?"

"He said it could be today or a month from now, but probably not more than a month."

I could see tears streaming down Claude's face. Martha was silently crying too. I squeezed Patty's shoulder again, then nodded toward Martha. Patty got the idea immediately and went to Martha and put her arms around her. Martha buried her head on Patty's shoulder and sobbed.

I caught mom's attention and indicated with my head that she should go to Claude. Mom glanced at Martha and then she went over and hugged Claude. There wasn't a dry eye in the room.

I was feeling totally useless. I wanted to comfort Karen; I wanted to comfort Martha; and I wanted to comfort Claude. I had come to love this family. Not just Karen, but Claude and Martha as well. In just a few short months, Claude had become like a father to me.

Martha hadn't approved of me at first, but as we had been around each other, we had grown very close. I loved her and I was going to miss her. In some ways it would be easier for her than it would be for Claude and Karen. Martha's pain and her apprehension about dying would be over soon. Claude's and Karen's grief would go on for the rest of their lives.

As I held Karen in my arms, she finally cried herself out. I kissed her on the forehead and rubbed her back. Finally, after what might have been hours, she looked up at me and said, "Thank you."

I didn't answer her. I couldn't. I just nodded and held on. It was Martha who got herself under control first. She got up and said she was going to get us all some coffee. I don't think any of us had touched the last one.

"Help her," I whispered to Karen. "She needs your support."

Karen nodded and went to help her mother. I got up and said, "Claude, let's take a walk."

Claude nodded and got up. We went out towards his pasture and went through the gate. We walked for quite a while without saying anything.

Finally, I laid my hand on his shoulder and said, "Claude, there's not a damned thing I can say to you that will make it any easier. I do want you to know that we'll do anything we can to help out."

Claude nodded.

"After I fell in love with Karen, I came to love you and Martha too. I had no idea I was going to fall in love with a whole family, but it happened. I'm going to miss Martha something terrible, but I know it couldn't hold a candle to what you and Karen have to be feeling."

We walked on for a while then Claude said, "I've been worried about her for a while. I noticed she was losing weight and I asked her about it. She just gave me some kind of flip answer, so I just let it go. She started complaining about the mattress and that should have clued me in that something was wrong, because the mattress seemed fine to me. I should have realized something was wrong and made her go to the doctor sooner."

"You know that's a pretty stupid thing to say."

Claude's head popped up and he looked like I'd slapped him.

"Do you really think you could have made Martha do anything?"

"No... No, but I could have at least tried."

"If you had tried to make her go to the doctor and she had refused, would you feel better now? Or, would you just feel like you should have tried harder?"

Claude put his arm around my shoulder. "I don't know, Ed. I just wish this wasn't happening."

Claude and I walked for quite some time. We didn't say much, but I think I might have been of some help. I know it helped me.

We spent most of the day with the Wellstons. I hope we helped.

Day 108 Sunday, February 5

After we had done our chores and had eaten breakfast, Patty and I went over to Karen's. Things were a little more normal and Karen greeted me with a hug and a very loving kiss. We sat and talked with Claude and Martha for a few minutes, then I surprised everyone by asking Martha to go on a drive with me.

Martha readily agreed, and we took off, leaving some puzzled people behind. "I just wanted the chance to talk with you for a few minutes," I told her.

"Yes, I wanted the same thing."

I pulled in at the fishing hole and Martha asked, "Is this where you take my daughter when you go on a drive?"

"We've stopped here a few times," I told her. "It's hard for me to drive and concentrate on what I'm saying."

Martha just smiled and nodded.

"I was telling Claude yesterday that after I fell in love with Karen, I fell in love with your entire family. That most definitely includes you, Martha. I'm truly going to miss you."

"That's going to be the hardest on everyone. It's going to be harder on Claude than on anyone else," Martha said. "Karen has been gearing herself up to leaving home for a while now. Every young person does that as they grow up. Claude and I had planned to spend the rest of our lives together. Now, he's going to have a big hole in his life."

I nodded, understanding where she was coming from. I took her hand in mine and held on. "We'll all have a hole in our lives, but I can see where Claude's will be the biggest."

"I don't have any worries about you and Karen any more. I think you were made for each other. I do worry about Claude though."

"Yeah, I worry about him too. I'll swear he's like a father to me. Like the father I never had."

"Well, that brings up one of the things I wanted to talk to you about, Ed. When I'm gone, I want Claude to go on with his life. Claude is still a young man. He has a young man's needs, if you know what I mean. I want him to find another woman."

"I think Claude is going to be reluctant to do that, at least for a long while," I told her.

"I know. He can be hard headed when he feels like it. I have a suggestion, but I don't know how you're going to feel about it. Claude is losing his wife. Your mom lost her husband. You said you feel like Claude is your father. Wouldn't it make sense if he was actually your step-father?"

It took a minute for what she was suggesting to sink in. "Are you suggesting I try to get Claude and mom together?"

"It's a thought."

"It wouldn't bother you?"

"No. I'll be gone and I want Claude to be happy."

"Wow!" I said.

"Does it bother you?"

"No, Patty and I have wanted mom to start dating, but she's been reluctant so far. Trying to get them to date won't work. Probably the best thing to do would be to just make sure they have contact with each other, frequently."

"That would probably be best. Claude wouldn't admit it, but I'm sure he was attracted to your mom when they danced together at New Years."

"That didn't bother you?"

"No, because I knew nothing would come of it."

"I would certainly support a match between mom and Claude now that I know how you feel about it. I'm sure that Patty and Karen will too. Did you know that Karen calls my mother, Mom?"

"Yes. When she started doing that is when I realized how serious the two of you are."

We sat for a couple of minutes while I held Martha's hand. Then Martha asked, "Are you aware that your sister is in love with you?"

"Yes, I am. Karen is aware of it too. It's a weird situation, Martha."

"I'm not going to ask you about it and I'm not going to try to give any of you advice on it. The three of you are going to have to work it out for yourselves. I'm sure you will come up with something that works for all of you. I've never seen three more intelligent or mature teenagers in my life."

"Thank you. Sometimes I wish I could be a little kid again. I wish I could just let someone take care of me and that I didn't have to worry about anything or decide anything."

Martha squeezed my hand and said, "Unfortunately, you are going to have to help Karen and Claude get through this. I'm going to ask your mom to try to help Claude. He thinks of you like a son though, so I'm sure he's going to be leaning on you as well."

I just nodded.

"Karen is a lot like me. In years to come, she's going to be a rock for you. She loves you and she'll fight for you like a lioness protecting her cubs. You and Patty need to try to help her. You need to try to take her mind off of what is happening to me. When I'm gone, the two of you need to be there for her emotionally. I wish you were married right now. It would be easier on her."

"Yes, I wish we had been married before we found out what was happening to you. It would have been easier on her. Patty and I will take care of her though. Try not to worry too much about her."

"I'll try, Ed. I feel a lot better knowing you are there for her."

We sat a while longer, then I started the pickup and I drove her home. When we pulled into the driveway, I said, "I love you, Martha."

"I love you too, Ed."

How do you console a man who knows his wife is going to die within the month? How do you console a teenage girl who knows she is going to be losing her mother? Patty. Mom and I talked about it a lot that evening.

All of us realized that words weren't going to be of much help. "Be there when they need to talk to someone and listen to them," mom said. "They really don't want our advice. They want our understanding. They're both going to need lots of hugs. They're going to need a shoulder to cry on."

"Okay, Mom. Dad's death didn't bother us all that much. Partially because he was already out of our lives and partially because I don't think he ever loved us anyway. Claude and Karen are going to lose a big part of their lives."

Day 130 Monday, February 28

The next couple of weeks were pure hell for all of us, but especially for Claude and Karen. We tried to be there for them as much as we could. Karen seemed to try to pull away from us, but Patty and I wouldn't let her. Martha encouraged her to go out with us or spend the night at our place until she had to go into the hospital six days ago.

There isn't a word to describe the pain we all went through since Martha went into the hospital. Martha was doped up much of the time and was continuously on Morphine the last three days. The doctor told me the dosage she was on would knock out a large man. For Martha, it just reduced the pain to a point where she could stand it.

I don't think Karen or Claude would have even eaten if mom hadn't taken them something twice a day and stayed to make sure they ate. Over the last couple of days, as Martha got worse, Karen seemed to improve. She wasn't cheerful or anything, but she seemed to have resigned herself as to the inevitability of what was going on. She spent a lot of time talking with her mother. Their whispered conversations were a mystery to all of us.

This morning Patty and I got up and did our chores, then mom ate breakfast with us. "Patty and I aren't going to school today, Mom," I said. "We may not go all week."

"Not a problem, Ed. I'll call the school."

Patty looked at me with a puzzled expression, so I said, "It's going to be within the next day or two. We need to be there for Claude and Karen."

Patty and I went over to Karen's to help with the chores and mom came over a little later with food. We made Claude and Karen sit down and eat, then I offered to drive them to the hospital.

Patty had gotten her license, so she took mom home and said she'd meet us there. I knew things were bad as soon as we got there. Martha was unconscious and when I talked with the nurse, she said Martha hadn't been awake since yesterday afternoon.

I asked the nurse if she'd have Dr. Richmond come in and she told me she'd have him paged. Mom and Patty got there before the doctor did.

When Dr. Richmond came in, he asked for all of us to leave so he could talk to Claude alone. Claude said that we were all family and that he wanted us there.

Richmond hesitated for a second, then nodded. "The cancer has spread into the nerves in the tissue surrounding the pancreas. That's where the pain is coming from. The pancreas is no longer functioning at all. It's just a matter of time before her other organs start shutting down as well."

"Is there anything that can be done to make it easier for her, Doctor?" Claude asked.

"She's on the highest dosage of morphine I've ever given," the doctor said. "The only thing I could do is to give her more morphine."