Chapter 57

Behind the curtain, Angie lay still and silent, her face turned towards the wall. Mark couldn't tell whether she was asleep, so he quietly asked, "You awake?" She didn't respond, but her breathing faltered.

He stepped inside the alcove, closing the curtain behind him, and moved closer to the bed. "Angie?"

She flinched, closing her eyes tightly, and sunk lower into the bed.

He sat in the chair beside her bed. "Want to tell me why you did it?" he asked, and she trembled, her hand clenching around the blanket.

"No," she whispered. "Want to tell me why you stopped me?"

"One, because you don't need to die," he said. "Two, because it would have killed Kristen."

"I want to die. And it would free Kristen."

"Think so?" He stood up and pulled the curtain back just enough for her to peek out. "Look over there and say that!"

Confused, she peered through the curtain, and her eyes widened in horror. "Oh god, what happened?"

"You tried to kill yourself," he said flatly. "I told you that you were bonded."

"I thought it would free her," Angie whispered. "I thought if I were dead, there'd be nothing left, that it would stop hurting her. I swear I didn't mean to ... God, oh God ... is she all right?"

He let the curtain fall closed. "She will be. Probably. A fair amount depends on you."

Tears ran down her cheeks. "I thought it would stop hurting her. I didn't want to hurt anyone anymore."

He reached out and touched her hand. "Angie, there's an easy way to do that. Stop fighting yourself."

She turned her face away again. "I can't. I just can't. It's wrong."

"Why?"

"It's a sin," she said miserably. "Several of them, really. Pedophilia. Homosexuality. Adultery."

Mark raised an eyebrow. "Pedophilia? I don't recall that being listed in the Bible. Many girls were married off by the age Kristen is, in fact. Homosexuality ... I don't believe that one would still apply. There are a lot of things that don't hold for everyone in every situation; you eat bacon, don't you? And adultery ... you're leaving your husband, you said. Once that happens--"

"He left me!" she interrupted, her voice choked with emotion. "He said he knew there was someone else, and he left me. And ... and if you truly believe something is wrong, that it's a sin to do it, no matter the logic behind doing so."

He just shook his head. "Then adultery is no longer an issue, is it?"

"My vows didn't say 'until he divorces me', Mark."

"So even now that he's left you, you still consider yourself bound to those vows? Meaning you could never remarry?"

"I ... I don't know. I'm an oath breaker," she said. "It would be wrong to accept someone else's oath when I can't honor my own."

"Angie, God doesn't require you to be perfect. He requires you to try-- and he'll forgive you if you fail. You couldn't know this would happen, and you still tried when it did. You failed. Fine. Ask his forgiveness, pick yourself up, and get back on the horse."

"Maybe he could forgive me, but that doesn't mean it's okay to keep doing the things I need forgiveness for."

"You wouldn't be committing adultery anymore," he said. "Divorce is as old as Moses. Pedophilia isn't in the bible. It's something our culture has come up with-- and it isn't even the right word when speaking of a post-pubescent girl-- and I don't thing the reasons for the proscription against it would apply to Kristen. That just leaves homosexuality."

She shook her head. "If adultery isn't an issue, then sex out of wedlock is."

He looked at her thoughtfully. "Only if you aren't married. I'm not saying she'd marry you right now, of course. She's still really hurt. You'd have to earn her trust again. But she told me she'd rather be with you than without you."

She sighed, looking exasperated. "Mark, marriage between two women isn't possible, even if she weren't already married."

He smiled wryly. "Because the Bible sanctions monogamy so strongly and doesn't have any examples of multiple marriages?"

"It's still not possible for a woman to marry a woman," she said, flushing slightly.

"It's not legally possible, no, but you're not worried about legally. It is possible to have a religious ceremony."

She laughed bitterly. "Yeah, right. Find a priest-- a Christian priest-- willing to do that, and I'll believe whatever you tell me."

He blinked at her, widening his eyes as if with innocent confusion. "But Angie, I already know of one. A couple of them, actually. One of them has a church in Dallas."

"Oh bullshit," she said, clenching her jaw angrily. "There's no way."

"One of them married a couple of my friends," he said. "Two women. And I know he's done poly ceremonies before, too."

"Then he's not a Christian priest," she said firmly.

"Yes he is. Unless you're defining 'Christian' as 'would not do that'."

"Christian: worships one God, believe in the Bible, behaves as God would have him behave. As the Bible says to behave," she said.

Mark nodded. "Then, yes. Christian."

She turned away and was quiet for a long moment before saying, quietly, "I'd like to meet him, then, maybe."

"Okay," Mark said agreeably. "I can arrange that. Hell, I'll call him and see if he'll come see you here, if you want. Angie, doesn't it hurt you to deny Kristen like this?"

"YES, damn it, it hurts!" she snapped. "Of course it hurts! God..." She squeezed her eyes shut, tears seeping from the corners.

"Do you think God wants to torture you?" he asked softly.

"Why the hell not? I deserve it."

He glared at her, resisting the urge to reach out and shake sense into her. "Did you ever think that maybe your love for Kristen was a gift? A reward for all the kids you've helped, all the lives you've saved by talking them out of suicide? That maybe you're throwing what was meant to be something special and wonderful back in His face?"

"No," she said tightly. "There's no way that it wouldn't have hurt Ed, and he didn't deserve that."

Mark sighed. "Maybe that was going to happen anyway, though. Maybe He knew it wouldn't work out, and was giving you something to hold on to. Maybe Ed's got someone out there he's going to meet who he'll feel the same about."

"But ten years..." Her voice trailed off, and her eyes were full of guilt and regret before she looked away.