READERS THEATER REVIVAL, a spoken drama for one male and three female voices

Holly Rennick, playwright, Cindi Barton, director

PERFORMANCE NOTES

If you’re not familiar with the Readers Theater genre, think of an old-fashioned radio drama with the performers gathered around a big clunky microphone. It’s all in the reading. Your living room is likely your stage and there’s no audience probably listening. It’s just for the fun of it.

Let attire and props enhance your verbal delivery. This script has several references to a hairbrush, for example. Use one accordingly, and your lines will work better. Same goes for the sofa, unless you’re in your bedroom, and then, of course, your bed.

Let’s suppose your part is that of Zak, a teenager who probably wears backwards baseball hats, along with the $150 sneakers. Wear a cap backwards yourself. You’re a teenage guy.

They say that what’s left out of the musical score gives a Broadway tune its brilliance. Pauses let the audience imagine the action. What nonverbal cues might suggest the activity? It’s OK to actually kiss your Readers Theater lover because you’re just acting. Make it slurpy. Sound effects and readers’ positioning are suggested in brackets, but also use your experience.

The characters:

Schoolteachers HOLLY RENNICK and CINDI BARTON. Kids: ZAK and his SISTER, young in Scene 1, teenage thereafter.

The script incorporates quotations copied from the Internet at the time of writing, but as they’d mostly be dead by now, just kick back and read what I cited.

SCENE 1

[Having no role in this scene, CINDI and HOLLY should be offstage to not inhibit ZAK and SISTER’s spontaneity. Background TV]

SISTER: Hey Zak, this show’s boring. Let’s do something else.

ZAK: Like what?

SISTER: I don’t know. Chinese checkers? I’ll make some goofs to help you.

ZAK: Your goofs aren’t on purpose. You just don’t want to admit it because you’re older.

SISTER: How about Alien Investigators?

ZAK: Is that a game?

SISTER: Sorta’. One of us is the Alien Investigator and the other gets to be the Earthling. It’s fun.

ZAK: OK, I guess.

SISTER: Let’s play upstairs. Come on!

ZAK: Do we fight enemy aliens or anything? [TV clicks off. Steps on stairs. Door opening. Door closing. Door locking.

{ZAK should now read his part while lying on his back. SISTER should read her part seated at ZAK’s side.]

SISTER: [Whispered] I’ll be the Alien Investigator for starts.

ZAK: I don’t even know how to play. How come you’re whispering?

SISTER: So the Klonons can’t hear. Also so Mom can’t. You’re the Earthling. I’m from Zenafu. Let me get my stuff.

[Footsteps leaving. Footsteps returning. Small items dumped onto dresser]

SISTER: OK, Earthling. This is a mind control zapper. If I zap you, you have to do what I say.

ZAK: It’s your hairbrush.

SISTER: Right. Zap. Double Zap.

ZAK: Oh, oooh. I’m dead!

SISTER: No, idiot, you’re just stunned so I can investigate you.

ZAK: OK.

SISTER: First I need to read your mind with my Space X-Ray.

ZAK: Space X-Ray?

SISTER: Use your imagination. Your name is Zak and you live on South Jefferson and you have one sister.

ZAK: You already knew that.

SISTER: No I don’t, because I’m an alien. Now I have to look inside your body, Earthling. Let me aim. That’s your Earthling heart. I see that you breathe air. It appears that you eat Skittles.

ZAK: Don’t poke so hard.

SISTER: OK. Now take off your shirt for your body testing. Good. As we suspected, your body lacks armor against Martian guns. I’ll now test your temperature by total measurement. Lie on the spaceship table for Test 234.

ZAK: On top of the covers?

SISTER: Shoes off.

[Two thumps. Mattress creak]

ZAK: Hey, you can’t do that!

SISTER: Yes I can because I applied mind control already. Your stomach can’t feel anything.

ZAK: Not so low.

SISTER: Quitter!

ZAK: I’m not!

SISTER: So let me do the Alien test on your legs.

ZAK: Not so high.

SISTER: It’s 753. Normal. You’ve got a bump.

ZAK: A what?

SISTER: A bump, here in the middle. It part of the Alien Investigation, to see if you have any bumps.

ZAK: Well, leave it alone!

SISTER: I have to test it to make sure you didn’t sneak a secret laser weapon onto my spaceship. I’ll check my Xerob Defractor.

ZAK: No fair, that’s your hand!

SISTER: See? It’s an expandable secret ray gun. You’re an enemy spy. I have to torture you.

ZAK: Let’s not play this game.

SISTER: Lie back down. Should I rub faster, Earthling?

[Fabric stroked]

ZAK: I can’t talk because I’m zapped.

SISTER: I need to complete my Alien Investigation to do my report to the Supreme Space Commander.

[Zipper]

ZAK: Hey don’t!

SISTER: How interesting. Earthlings wear clothes inside of clothes. Come on! We used to take baths together. Lift up.

[Sliding fabric]

SISTER: Oh, my! What’s this?

ZAK: It’s not my fault.

SISTER: It wouldn’t do that if it didn’t like getting investigated. You got a really good space weapon, Earthling. You gotta’ say, “Please Space Princess,” if you want to touch my zeemom while I investigate.

ZAK: Please Space Princess. You don’t have to stop testing if you don’t want to.

[Rhythmic sounds, followed by rustling sounds, followed by a gasp from ZAK]

SISTER: Wow! Rocket Fuel! Your Alien Investigation score is 39. No, I mean 139, which means that you can be a Rocket Ranger.

SCENE 2

[Background of muted conversations, chairs pushed back, silverware, class bells]

CINDI: Morning, Holly. Was third period about three hours long today? I could smell the coffee all the way from my classroom.

HOLLY: Morning, Cindi. I could smell your students’ Bunsen burners from mine.

CINDI: Different chemicals on filter paper burn with different colors. Fortunately the fire alarm is broken.

HOLLY: You look pensive.

CINDI: No way! I lost three pounds.

HOLLY: It means that you look like you’re thinking.

CINDI: I suppose. Ever have Zak Gaston as a student?

HOLLY: For English. He gave me the double-barrel brush-by once in the doorway, but nothing out of the ordinary. You got him for Science?

CINDI: He’s thinking about anatomy when I lean over his desk.

HOLLY: Given your blouses.

CINDI: Whatever. He tries to cover his lap. Lots of our students have had sex, you know.

HOLLY: Life’s not fair.

CINDI: Hang in there, Holly.

HOLLY: So what about Zak?

CINDI: Well, there’s a story about him and his sister. Maybe you had her. Black bras. When their folks are out, they watch videos. Ever see Undercover Agent Uncovered?

HOLLY: Ever see Les Miserables?

CINDI: OK, OK. I’ll spend the big bucks and go with you. Dressing up will be fun, but you have to translate.

HOLLY: I already told you it’s in English. I’ll buy you a latte at intermission. It’s really romantic, as opposed to Undercover Agent Uncovered, I expect.

CINDI: Different kind of romance.

HOLLY: So what about Zak and his sister?

CINDI: During the video, she sits in his lap. To get more comfy, she’ll pull his arms around her stomach. She’ll tug her neckline out enough for him to look. She says things about the video like, “I’ll bet she never tells.”

HOLLY: His sister says that?

CINDI: Siblings discuss things. When he touches her boob, she kind of raises her arm before trying to escape. Just a matter of time and a six-fingered baby.

HOLLY: How come you know all this?

CINDI: This teacher can tell which boys like her, so she got him to help in her book closet and steady her on the stool. You know, like from behind, hands on her ribs. He reached under her sweater while she rearranged the top shelf. It was that cashmere she got at Costco. She had on her camisole, though, the one from Barenecessities, Pretty straightforward.

HOLLY: Him, or how he did it?

CINDI: As her closet is pretty cramped, they made a plan for that Saturday, her place. They’re still getting together. She lets him brush her hair afterwards.

HOLLY: As I said, life’s not fair.

CINDI: Is “seduced” the right word if he agreed? Sex can be complicated, right?

HOLLY: It’s good we agree on at least one thing or we couldn’t be friends.

CINDI: We also agree that brushing your hair keeps it thick. Anyway, Zak told this teacher about his sister. Would you leave your door open a crack at bedtime, get almost naked, hop under the sheet and play with yourself, knowing your brother was peeking in? That inbreeding thing’s exaggerated, but even still, she shouldn’t get pregnant.

HOLLY: That’s another agreement.

CINDI: That’s why we’re best friends.

[Quick kiss and giggle]

HOLLY: Not that kind of friends!

CINDI: I made you blush, right? How’d we get on this? Oh, yes. Zak didn’t want his sister thinking of him as a little kid so this teacher’s got him up to speed.

HOLLY: For educational use only, as we say.

CINDI: So he needs a plan to then lay his sister. No problem, says this teacher. They have a sofa like the one in your place. Scotchguard Stain Resistant.

HOLLY: We’ll make it Scene 3 in my Readers Theater.

CINDI: What Readers Theater?

HOLLY: The one we’re doing, girl.

CINDI: OK. Cindi Barton, playwright.

HOLLY: I’m the playwright. You can do the lighting.

CINDI: Lighting for a Readers Theater? How about making me the director? We could maybe go back to Scene 1 and have them abducted in a UFO and forced to populate Planet Zenafu.

HOLLY: I don’t write science fiction. Tell me how the sofa scene works out.

SCENE 3

[SISTER seated in ZAK’s lap for realistic-spoken delivery. ZAK might brush SISTER’s hair to enhance performance ambiance. CINDI provides background video sounds of a woman engaged in sex. HOLLY understudies the sound effects.]

SISTER: Jeeze. That was some video.

[CINDI and HOLLY move offstage, the reason previously given.]

ZAK: Think what they did was, you know, for real?

SISTER: It would be hard for the guy not to show his..., you know, if it weren’t, you know, up inside her.

ZAK: I don’t think it usually lasts that long, actually.

SISTER: They had to get a whole feature out of it, I guess. It probably helps if the girl knows the guy really well.

ZAK: Maybe that’s the problem with Lara.

SISTER: So let’s you and me fool around some here the sofa, me pretending to be her. We’re at the movies, back row.

ZAK: No way!

SISTER: You can feel her up.

[Caresses and breathing]

SISTER: Anyway, it’s not like you haven’t felt me a million times when really you’re my brother.

[Garment sounds]

SISTER: I didn’t say pull down my straps.

ZAK: Remember how we used to play Alien Investigator?

SISTER: Really?

[Zipper sounds]

SISTER: Raise your butt.

[Another zipper]

SISTER: Don’t mess with my panties.

The snap of elastic]

SISTER: You’re such a pervert.

ZAK: Just my finger.

SISTER: Gotta’ stop when I say, though.

[Mutual giggles]

SISTER: Wait. I got a better idea. You sit regular, me facing you.

[Sounds of repositioning]

SISTER: See? Now we can hold our Readers Theater scripts behind each other’s head.

ZAK: Hey! Who turned off the lights? I gota’ see my script.

SISTER: Ms. Barton says we should be in the dark for what we’re acting.

ZAK: Acting?

SISTER: Quit yacking and let’s finish this scene, Zak-boy.

[Intense sounds]

SISTER: Way to go, brother!

ZAK: Oh, shit!

SISTER: Good thing this is Ms. Rennick’s sofa, not ours.

SCENE 4

[Background of muted conversations, chairs pushed back, coffee cups, class bells]

HOLLY: Coffee break’s almost over. Where’ve you been?

CINDI: Somebody reported the smoke from chem lab yesterday and the Fire Marshal’s fiddling with the alarm. How am I supposed to run a lab if nothing can catch on fire?

HOLLY: Like how am I supposed to teach Modern Lit if we don’t read literature that suggests sex?

CINDI: You had them read that Shakespeare poem.

HOLLY: “The Rape of Lucrece” is about a Roman matron, not modern. Anyway, back to that Readers Theater sex scene where Zak does it with his sister on the sofa? In formula fiction, the author usually adds some oral sex to make it longer.

CINDI: That’s how it’s supposed to happen: two kids just messing around for starts. When they discuss it afterwards, it’s not even clear who first had the idea. Discussing it makes them do it again and so on, say Scenes 5 to 12. Got an herbal tea in your purse?

HOLLY: Dandelion Sunshine.

CINDI: Oh, for a real java. Back to your Readers Theater. How ‘bout having Zak brush her hair from behind. She takes over combing while he feels her up. The Readers Theater audience hears the hairbrush drop.

HOLLY: “Knife-edge suspense,” the reviewers will say. Keep going.

CINDI: He slides his fingers down her stomach and she settles into his lap where she’ll work his fingers to undo her belt.

HOLLY: Are we talking about spoken lines?

CINDI: An act about the act, get it? The performers actually orgasm for realistic sound effects. Why simulate it in performance when the readers will do it during intermission on the same sofa?

HOLLY: I noticed afterwards. But they have to hold back for a while. We want our audience’s hands pressing their laps.

CINDI: A pinkie flicking back and forth, right? OK. Then a pizza delivery girl could show up. I have a Domino’s hat so they wouldn’t think of me as a teacher.

HOLLY: The thing is, Cindi, most sibling sex stories start with teaching each other how to make out on the sofa. The pizza delivery girl is another part. Too sweet.

CINDI: Want disturbing drama, add some forcefulness.

HOLLY: Too chauvinist.

CINDI: Not that way. More feminist. The Internet tells how to make a male involuntarily erect by tickling his prostate. It’s how Myra Breckenridge used her strap-on after she tied him up. The poor guy had more sex with his girlfriend afterwards because he was worried about his manhood, so it worked out great. Myra was Myron before her operation. Very disturbing.

HOLLY: The author knew about backdoor entries.

CINDI: They made a book from the movie? The Internet says to reach in an inch and find a bulb of tissue. That’s what it says, anyway.,

SCENE 5

[ZAK reclining. SISTER sitting beside]

SISTER: So how’s life in bed when you should be helping rake the leaves?

ZAK: How about bringing me more 7-Up.

SISTER: Idiot boy falls out of a tree and breaks his arms and I have to get him pop.

ZAK: Come on.

SISTER: OK. I’m not helping you pee, though. Or you-know-what.

ZAK: Just get my 7-Up, OK?

SISTER: Want me to comb your hair? I brought my hairbrush. Not your top hair, though. Roll over.

ZAK: Stop it.

SISTER: Want your 7-Up first? I’ll hold the straw in your mouth.

ZAK: What are you doing with that hairbrush?

SISTER: Isn’t this Readers Theater a little weird? Me making you get a boner by tickling up your butt with this thing? This is Ms. Rennick’s first Readers Theater.

ZAK: I think Ms. Barton knows more about making guys hard.

SISTER: You think it will work, this hairbrush?

ZAK: I didn’t actually read ahead.

SISTER: If I want it to get hard, all I do is unbutton my blouse, right? I don’t mess around with your butt.

ZAK: The teachers are going to catch us if we get started.

SISTER: Not for Readers Theater because we’ll have to stay quiet with the folks downstairs.

SCENE 6

[Background of muted conversations, chairs pushed back, coffee cups, class bells]

HOLLY: This coffee’s tasteless.

CINDI: The NEA newsletter says that we stand in solidarity with the worker co-ops where they grow it.

HOLLY: Give me a multinational anytime.

CINDI: So I’m thinking.

HOLLY: About Guatemala?

CINDI: No, our Readers Theater. The reviewers said that her making him have sex was like making water flow downhill. So maybe we make him making her and then about her guilt. Psychological.

HOLLY: Come again?

CINDI: The Internet says that if a girl climaxes when she doesn’t want to, it’s not her fault. I’ve got it on a printout.

HOLLY: You sure surf too much.

CINDI: Some of the sites are from government agencies. And there are these chat ones where girls ask each other about being raped. One asks if she’d done something wrong because she came and the others assure her it’s just an involuntary physiological reaction. I read this one where these girls at summer camp use a hairbrush to make the new girl come.

HOLLY: That would be tough in Readers Theater, but it might come across if the new girl were very verbal.

CINDI: The story’s called Camp Brushmore. Get it? The new girl orgasmed so super that they voted her Cabin Captain.

HOLLY: OK, but we’ll give her a guilt trip because she’d been saving herself for her brother who’s in the next cabin. Some soliloquies, maybe.

CINDI: Is “soliloquy” a better way to masturbate?

HOLLY: Good heavens!

CINDI: OK. But Zak has to be in the story, too. They canoe to this island and he can say something like, “Look, sister. I’m opening my black trench coat.” Since it’s Readers Theater, he should say the color. She’ll say, “Oh, it’s so frightening, but I don’t want to climax.” You get my idea.