Chapter 1

Monday, March 28, 2005

Well, its 5:30 in the morning, I have to go to work today at 2:30 and I've been stoned for 6 days straight all day. I'm feeling okay, but more tired and anxious than anything. I'm just so anxious over tomorrow. I am meeting the girl that got away tomorrow morning. We are going to talk as friends, but I miss her sooo much. And Nicole, how could I forget about Nicole. She is the girl in the now, she's who I could fall for easy and she the same. When will she get back, when will she call me... So much might be happening in my life in the next few weeks, I don't know whether I am overjoyed or scared. Wow, what a story to tell. This is just the start, I need sleep, but a lot more to come. Good night for now.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

The last week has been a wild ride. I was so far down and now am coming back up fast. I'm going to be jumping back and forth in time while keeping with the present. Somewhat like a journal with flashbacks. First, a little background on myself. Who am I? We will call me Troy in this endeavor. I am 21, just turned this month, tall, dark complexes (Sicilian background) and I live in the middle of nowhere middle of America. I am severely bi-polar (wondering about bipolar, ask) and have been on heavy medication for the last 5 years. I can still spell 8 that I have been on, the others I forget completely but somewhere in the realm of 12-15 different psychoactive drugs (prescribed). With the high doses I have to take for them to work for me, my body builds up a resistance quickly and they stop working at all after about a year to a few months. I've been on my last medication, effexor for a year and a half. About two weeks ago, it stopped working and I crashed hard. Very very hard. That is another story though for later. Right now I am just going to go back to the last two days, Saturday and Sunday.

I had finished the 1/8 of pot I had gotten the night before. I was suppose to get a nice 1/4-1/2 but three different people fell through. Saturday, I get up, I take a few resin hits out of my pipe to get a buzz going and wake up. I had been stoned since the Tuesday night before the weekend, so 4 and a half days straight so far. I was coming down and I need to get up FAST. I meet up with my friend I was rolling with who lives two streets over. He tells me that we are going to go go carting at about 4 so we had a few hours to kill. I wanted to go up to a pet store and get some corals for my saltwater reef tank (LOT more on that later) so we take off but I make a stop first. Just turned 21 so I got a 4 pack of white Russians for me and country sippers for him. With it, I take 5 15mg pills of DXM, or 75mg. I drink two of the bottles on the way to the pet store. Buy a $45 dollar coral, a blastamosa frag. Here's a pic.

We leave there for my house and I take another 5 pills of DXM, so a total of 150mg, a small dose for me, but combining it with some alcohol and some pot really brings it out so I didn't over do it. We take the coral to my house and drop it off and head for the raceway. We meet up with three other guys and one of them just happens to be a stoner and has a 1/8 on him. Oh, what, you can get me a 1/4 easy? Lets go. He takes me to a small cruddy trailer park where I used to deal from a guy there. We meet up with this older guy who brings me into his trailer and pulls out a bit more than a 1/4, gets his scales out and weighs it up to a 1/4. He first asks me if I'm a cop and tells me if I rat him out that he will have to kill me, lol. Head that one a time or two. Sells me the 1/4 for $50. I didn't think it was too bad for a full 1/4, but I later realized the stuff was shit. Either ditch weed or brown Mexican. It looked okay in the sack, but tasted like shite and hit hard as a bitch. By this point the DXM and alcohol are kicking in so I'm feeling pretty trippy. I drive down with the stoner and we match full bowls and got stoned good. We get to the raceway and we go in and it hits me standing there, I am more than fucked, I can't do anything in public right now, get me the fuck out of here the woman behind the counter is giving me a funny look! I pull my friend aside and get his car keys, and stumble out to the car. Luckily it was the middle of nowhere in a parking lot where nobody can see you. I put in Coldplay, a rush of blood to the head and just tripped the fuck out. It was so good. That's a great album to listen to stoned, more emotional though. It got me thinking about the girl kind of in my life. Nicole, it just reminded me exactly how I feel for her, love, I know I could love her if she let us fall together. Another story for another night. Anyway, here's the view from my tripping place at the time.

I'm sitting there and it's been awhile and I'm coming down. It hits me, had yet to eat that day and its 7:00pm. Where are they? I finally get up and go in to see what's going on. They just got off the track and are going again and want me to. I'm up for so a buy a ticket. It was a great idea whoever came up with it though. The place was pretty nice, they had an indoor just oval track but fishbowl shaped. The cars weren't your ordinary little go karts either. They were the ones with the full metal roll cage with enough power to GO! There are five of us with a total of about 12 drivers. Holy shit it was fun. We got the no bumping sign the last half of the race and the whistle about 3-4. Hell of a lot of fun. I demand food so we head back home, smoke another bowl, and stop at Taco Hell, run for the bathroom. I get three hard taco supreme, my fave. Now what did we do after that... Damn, I think that is a point I was too fucked up to remember. I know the stoner guy I got some from left, and it was my friend and I. I'm not really sure what we did. Oh, I remember now. We drove down to the biggest city close to us and went to a super Wal-Mart. I bought American Beauty. Oh, it was around that time that I find out he did X earlier and is fucked up and doesn't want to smoke any. So I smoke another bowl on the way home and drop him off because he has to work in the morning. I go and rent Garden State and head home. I watch both movies and smoke about 4-5 bowls and just melt into myself. Both movies are very good, I recommend them. It's about 5 in the morning then so I finally call it a night after smoking one more bowl.

That's my Saturday, I will post about Sunday, which is even more fucked up later tonight, and I'm going to go smoke a bowl right now though.

Back now. Just smoked a joint all the way down. Feeling pretty good. Just put on The Smashing Pumpkins, Mellon collie and the Infinite Sadness, Dawn to Dusk. Listen to this album stoned. It's really good, it just shows his musical talent. Remember guys, he got his start back in 87-88, the same time as Nirvana. Going back to my roots with these guys. They are my first favorite band. Ask me anything about the band and I could probably tell you. I think I am going to have to put Sunday off for an other night. I'm pretty tired from the week I had. Today though. Today, I had to go to work after a three day weekend. The big thing was I was to meet my first love, after not seeing her for about a year in the morning. I was up late last night, but set my alarm for 9:30AM. My mom wakes me up about 11 asking me if I'm supposed to get up for something as my alarm is blaring. It had been going off for an hour and a half while I still slept. Shit, can't clean my room now because I woke up late. I call her, and she agrees to meet me at Burger Kind at 12:30. I smoke a bowl and then go up and take a shower. It's a bit after 11 and I have about an hour before I need to leave so I feel like I have plenty of time, wrong. I slip down with the tub plugged as the hot water showers on me soothing me so much. I sit back up and look at the clock, I read it as 12, thinking I have about 15 mins to get ready. Nope, it actually says, 1 and I am half an hour late. I run and get dressed and run out the door. I meet up with her and we eat sitting in the back of her truck in the parking lot with it being a nice day. See, there is a long story between us, but that is also for later, but we will leave it at, we got close at the begging fast, I felt she was the one, and she decided she didn't fell that way. She avoided me for a while but we kept in contact. Hadn't talked to her for about 4-5 months as she is away at college now. Then I decided to email her the night I crashed and I scarred the shit out of her. Part of why we are seeing each other now. We got together purely as friends but I have a sense she is just doing this out of kindness, and because she feels she has to. The thought hurts but I don't blame her. She was one of the first to see me for the freak I can be when not right upstairs. Oh god. It was wonderful to see her though, I still love her but know nothing will ever come of it so I have in a way moved on. We talked, she came over and saw my reef tanks, I got a picture, and we said goodbye. She doesn't look great in this pic, her hair is pretty flattened but it's in little braids. You can get an idea of how she could clean up well though.

Now how could you not fall in love with her when you are my age? She is 18, almost nineteen, about 5'5", 117lbs but built small, brown naturally very curly hair, and very pretty blue eyes. Oh, and she had the personality to back every bit of it up. My heart still hurts for her. I am pretty sure she had suspicion this was some kind of way of trying to get back together with her. In a small way there's a part of me that hopes, hey, maybe she is suppose to be with me and something will happen, but I know in reality we won't. She's not really the girl in my focus right now anyway. "Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage, than someone will say that what is lost cannot be saved... and I still believe that I can not be saved" Anyway, after she left I had to rush to work coming off of a six day drug binge. Funny thing is I felt fine going into work. I was still high but coming down and I felt completely normal. Then I started coming off of it as I worked and I started feeling horrid. The night went by pretty fast though as I was doing something new. After work though, I head out to my car to pack a bowl and there is a note from an ex girlfriend stuck in my door. She wants me to come over to her house and knock on her window. Great, I pack the bowl and smoke it and head to her house. I stop over for a while but I needed to get out of there, I was starting to shake from being cold so I went home and here I am.

Holy shite, has ANYBODY else listen to Machina 2, the Friends and Enemys of Modern Music? You can only get it online, was never really released. Damn man, what the fuck was he on when they made that? He had to have been fucked up. You have to listen to it fucked up yourself though. Here is a link to download it. http://www.billy-corgan.com/downloads/mp3/machina2/index.php Very much worth your time and bud. It's fucked up though, just warning you. But damn, if you like shit like NIN or Tool, you'll like it. Any Mars Volta fans out there hell yeah?

fuck I need sleep.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Oh fuck, this is getting to messed up. Okay, yesterday I wake up late and smoke a bowl and am feeling fine from that and I go to work. I'm with an oriental guy that you can't understand so we just don't talk. About an hour in I lose my buzz and I just can't do it. My medication is messing me up. Here's a post from last night.

"There is a huge story on all of this, the details of which I will be writing in another thread, but it comes down to this.

4 years ago, diagnosed as severely major depressive with severe anxiety disorder. I was put on many different ssri's with none of them working at all, most had worse side effects than the actual condition. Actual condition included - severely depressed mood, lack of energy, hearing voices, delusional paranoia, suicidal thoughts, rapid wide mood swings, rapid weight loss to the point of anorexia, insomnia (going for days not sleeping, sleeping 12 hours over a 10 day period). Those are just the main symptoms. Side effects from drugs included - the very first one the put me on, a day after starting I was rushed to the hospital with the right side of my body violently convulsing to the point of causing bodily harm. It took them over 7 hours to get the convulsions to stop. Do you know what hell that is? They didn't have an explanation for it as there was no other case like mine. It was written down as a severe panic attack, yeah right. I also had very blurred vision from one, another caused me to go duuuurrr, couldn't talk without slurring everything, another caused me to hallucinate, one I couldn't get it up and it took me about 3 mins to get myself to go pee. Hmmm, there's a lot more.

Other medications that I have taken have had low side effects, but I have to take the max dose and after about 6 months they just stop working. Just happened to me two weeks ago. I'm going to try and get me on depakote, but I have no idea how my body will react to it.

Anyway, I was taking all these different drugs for about a year and nothing does me any good and I'm getting very suicidal and then I found pot. I smoked nothing but pot for about a year straight, almost every day. I was feeling fine, really good actually. Then it all hit. Lost all of my connections because my friend was stealing from them. I ran out of pot, fiended for a few days and got a couple small buzzes, but I ran out of everything and I just craaashed. I then also decided to stop taking my medication. Two weeks later I swallowed over 200 pills and drank half a bottle of bathroom cleaner. My mom found me and the suicide letter the next morning. Nobody knows how I lived. Thing is I never passed out, I was awake all night, and I remember every single second of that night like a movie. There is not a single day that doesn't haunt me.

After that happened I was hospitalized and the truth about the pot had to come out or I wouldn't have gotten out. The whole thing was blamed on the pot, but thing was I hadn't smoked for three weeks before I tried to off myself. I had to quit for good though, I didn't have any other choice. So for almost two years I've been clean and struggling with meds, was on about 6 different ones during that point of time, and crashed a total of three times, two while in college to which I had to drop out because of, the last I lost my previous job over. This last crash, was the hardest I crashed since my suicide. I ran to a works friend's house and smoked up some goooood shit. Oh god I felt good. Spent the last 8 days straight stoned and doing perfectly fine.

See, it evens me out, mellows me when manic, and gets me laughing with depressed or suicidal. It doesn't have any other side effects except short term memory problems for me. One big difference, pot was made by nature, all the drugs I've been prescribed are synthetic and man made which doesn't agree very well with my body.

Now, wouldn't you say this merits use?"

Well, I was at work and my medication hit me hard, it's not working anymore. So I talk to my supervisor and he has me go home. I spent most of the rest of the day high and feeling okay. When I got home last night after watching a movie lying with my ex in her bed, another story, I see that Nicole is online. She changed her name to 'if loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right'. I IM her and never hear back, but it was late so I was guessing she was away from her computer. Here's the short story on Nicole. I've known her for several years, about 5 I think. Liked her the minute I saw her. She was always just so distant from me I never really got to know her. She was distant from everybody though. I later found out about her past. She had been molested from the age of 6 till she got her period at 12 by her mom's boyfriends. Her mom is an alcoholic and Nicole pretty much takes care of her. Thing is the girl is the most awesome person I know. Even with everything that has happened she is in college and studying to be a psychologist. Well, about a year ago it came out how much I liked her. She admitted she had considered dating me several times before, but was just never ready. Then I didn't hear from her for several months. We would randomly start talking again, serious conversations and it would always come out how much we liked each other. It would get serious and she would back away and I wouldn't hear from her again. I know she isn't really doing it on purpose, I understand the issues I have, because I have a lot of them too. Her dad committed suicide a year ago. She's anorexic and bulimic again. I'm worried about her and I just had to know if I was waiting around for a chance that's never going to happen, so I emailed her.

This is what I said'

"I've been hoping to hear back from you for a while. I crashed last weekend. I crashed hard. Scared several people, they thought I was suicidal. Coming out of it though. Will tell you the rest of it later if you care to hear. I don't know what do right now, and I think you are going through some hard times, but it just hurts how you push me out of your life completely. I'm just going to put it all out and see what your answer is. I could very easily fall for you. I haven't yet, because I haven't let myself fall. I knew you weren't ready for anything and I just pushed the feelings away hoping that at some point you would be ready for me. It's just hard when you feel that way about somebody and they push you away like it happens. I know that's how you are, I can do it to people I care about it a lot, but what's the deal here? Do you think I don't understand? Do you think I don't know where you are coming from? Dang it, I want to help you, but you won't let me. I guess what I have to know is, do you actually still like me? Am I waiting around for a chance with somebody special that will never happen? I need to know what you are thinking, and the truth. You really can tell me anything, even things I don't want to hear. I mean, if you just don't feel anything for me anymore or never really did, I need to know because I need to move on if not. I care about you, I care about you a lot, more than you know, but it's hard sometimes. I listened to this song today and it just reminded me so much of you. Talk to me soon, please. I really need to hear from you, see you even.

Please get back to me

Let go

Drink up baby down
Hmm, are you in or are you out
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you

Excuse me too busy
Writing your tragedy
These mishaps you bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So let go
So let go
Jump in
Oh well what you waiting for
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So let go
Let it go
Just get in
Oh it's so amazing here
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow

Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later now
You can't await your own arrival
You've twenty seconds to comply

So let go
So let go
Jump in
Oh well what you waiting for
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So let go
Yeah let it go
Just get in
Oh it's so amazing here
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So let go
So let go
Jump in
Oh well what you waiting for
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So let go
Let it go
Just get in
Oh it's so amazing here
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown