Chapter 55

"Let me get this straight," Krissi said several days later as they shared a dessert in a coffee shop two blocks off campus. "You have no problem going to bed with Danny, but you're worried about going to a party at Emma's."

"Partly," Devlin said. "There's more to it than that."

"So, in clear conscience, you feel you can look at Evan and say, "There's this guy I've been having sex with since I was 14. Don't worry about him as competition, though. He's married." And he'll nod his head and say "That's nice. I understand, and that doesn't bother me at all." Did I get that right?"

"Except I don't think he would have that sarcastic edge to his voice."

"No, that was me. And yet you don't want to say "And there are these parties I've been going to since I was 15 where I have sex with three or four men a night."" She shook her head. "Devlin, why don't you just push him away from you as hard as you can? That's what you act like you want to do."

"But I feel I have to tell him about my past."

Krissi shook her head. "Why? Give me one good reason why you have to."

Devlin bit her lip and shook her head.

"There's a reason why I call some of my heroines 'that idiot', and that's because that's exactly what they are. They do something like what you want to do, and it turns out bad for them."

"Krissi, that's fiction."

"Bull. It might say 'fiction' on the cover, but I write it that way because that's what happens in real life."

"But my past--"

"Is past. Look, kid, there's a reason they say a couple starts on a new life together when they get married. A lot of gals don't focus on that. They're stuck on 'being married', and treat it as an extension of their life, sort of 'Do I have a husband? Check'. The trouble comes when the guy doesn't meekly conform as just being an adjunct to her that she can show off to all of her friends. You should read the letter columns in the women's magazines. I get some of my best ideas from them. I don't know how many are 'he won't change the way I want him to, what is wrong with him?' They don't realize that 'together' means 'the two of them', not 'me, and, oh yes, him'."

"I'm not following you."

"I said that wrong." Krissi sighed. "Focus on the words 'a new life together'. Not your old one. You're not going to see Danny after you get married, are you?"

Devlin shook her head. "No, I'm not. That would be... that would be... that's not..."

"Enough." Krissi held up her hand. "I get the idea. And I assume you're not going to go to Emma's, or Cindy's, or any other lifestyle party after the wedding, either. Just nod or shake your head."

"No."

"So you'll have a clean break. A new life, one where it'll be the two of you together, not two single people living individual lives who happen to cohabit the same house." She leaned back, studying Devlin's face. "Now I'm beginning to see why it's a good idea for you and Evan not to have sex until you're married."

"Again I'm not following you."

"Because that way, in that mind of yours, you can separate things: before the wedding you were this wild girl; after the wedding you were the fine, upstanding wife."

"I didn't... not in so many words... I mean..."

"Oh, hush up. I meant that as a compliment. You've always been able to compartmentalize the parts of your life, this is just another example of it. You'll say 'I do', and one compartment will close in your mind, and another will open. That's all there is to it."

"So you really think I shouldn't say anything about my past?" Devlin wanted to say more, but decided bandying words with Krissi would get her nowhere. Krissi was too good with words.

"If he asks, and I'm not saying he will, tell him about Jeff. He'll accept that. In this day and age, if a guy is surprised because a girl's had some experience, then he hasn't been paying attention."

"But what if I run into somebody I met at Emma's?"

"What happens now? Do you say "Oh, I had so much fun sucking your husband's cock"? Or: "Your cock feels so good in me when you cum"? No, you smile politely, just like you would to anyone you'd met socially, and that's that."

Devlin began picking at the coffee cake on the table between them. "Do you think Evan's had a girlfriend or two, ones he's slept with I mean? I know he said something about this one girl he knew."

"Almost undoubtedly. But as long as he doesn't bring it up, neither should you. When you tell people how you met, what do you say?"

"I tell them the truth. You and I were in Florida for Spring Break. We went to a dance, and I met him there."

"And you don't tell people what we were doing during Spring Break, do you."

"Of course not!" She realized she'd raised her voice. She saw heads turned in her direction, but they turned back to what they were doing. "Of course not," she repeated in a much quieter tone. "That would be some kind of stupid."

"My point exactly." Krissi sighed. "I know that in the end you'll make up your own mind. You always have, and you always will, which is one of the things I love about you. I think you've already made up your mind, you're just seeking validation for your decision. Who else have you talked to?"

"Danny, a couple of times."

"Good, get the male perspective."

"I've talked to Sue, you, and last weekend I talked to Emma."

"I didn't think there was a party at her place last weekend."

"There wasn't, I stopped at her store after visiting my new sister."

"That's pretty much all of your closest friends. I think you left out your police officer friend."

"Denise. She warned me some time ago to be careful what I told her. She's a cop, first, and she doesn't ever quite go off duty. She knows about Danny, but I think she believes we only started seeing each other shortly after I started attending the University. I don't think she knows I'm in the lifestyle, but I'm not certain. She asked me something recently that made me wonder. She plays her cards pretty close to her chest."

"And so should you," Krissi said, nodding. "I'd say telling her about your past wouldn't be a good idea, just like I think telling Evan would be stupid. Why on earth do you want to, anyway?"

"What if he found out? He'd dump me in an instant!"

"So why tell him in the first place? It's like you've got this deathwish about him." Krissi sighed again and broke off a piece of the coffee cake. "I think I know what part of it is.

"Oh?"

"You're caught up in the whole image of marriage. A lot of women have it. It's something you develop when you're a little girl. You see the beauty and the emotions of a wedding. There's the bride, in white, and she's so beautiful. The whole day is organized around her. There are the invitations, the decorations, the dresses, her friends and family, the ceremony as she is escorted down the aisle... everything. The groom is there, sort of running on autopilot. He's necessary, of course, but the wedding day is her special day, and little girls fixate on that.

"As she gets older a girl realizes a few more things about her fictional wedding: there's the living together, and after puberty there's the wedding night. She might give some thought to just how they will live together--believe me, guys think about that more than most gals--but passes it off as "they'll be together" and doesn't give it much thought beyond that.

"Somewhere in there the girl thinks of marriage as the couple "sharing everything", and somehow takes that to mean everything about each other, including their pasts."

"Well, they should, and..."

"Why?"

"But I want him to know about that part of me."

"Why?"

"So he... so he'll know..."

"That you like to have sex? I think he'll pick that up on your wedding night. That you've had sex with multiple partners in one night? I don't see where that's pertinent, unless you're planning on doing that after the wedding night."

"God, no. But..."

"I'm not sure I'm getting through to you," Krissi said. "You still haven't given me a reason why you need to tell him about Emma's, or Cindy's, or even that island in the Keys."

"I feel I have to."

"Ah, 'feel'. You're losing the argument on logic, so now you're resorting to feelings."

"That's not it, Krissi, I just..." She slowed to a stop, trying to think. She felt she had to tell Evan about her past, but if she looked at it logically, as Krissi kept saying, why did she? What would it do to the two of them? She knew right away that it would split them apart.

"But what if he finds out?"

"Deal with it then, but first, how is he going to find out?"

"Well, somebody might tell him."

"Who?"

"Somebody!"

"And if that happens, who is he going to believe, them, or you?"

"But it'll be the truth, and..."

"He doesn't know that. But you want to do this so you can head off any future trouble. Is that it?"

"Well, sort of."

"Emma's not going to tell him," Krissi said after a bit, "and neither is Cindy. Danny won't, and neither will I. Who does that leave? Your friend Doug?"

"Not him. Right now he wants people to think he's gay. The thing is, Krissi, I don't know who will tell him, but somebody will, I just know it. If you want an example, there was that private eye who was following me around."

"They only way that's going to happen is if somebody's trying to split the two of you up. Unless, of course, you decide to split the two of you up first by telling him about your past."

"Maybe I shouldn't go to Emma's any more. I've already told Cindy I won't be going to her place."

Krissi shrugged. "Maybe you should, and maybe you shouldn't. But what'll you do after Sue has had her baby?" She grinned. "A girl needs some relief, and you've told me yourself you can't always find it with your fingers. If you don't do something you'll suffer terminal meltdown."

"Krissi!"

"Don't act shocked, especially with me. I remember the two of us on the couch in my apartment. And whether we like it or not, masturbation is a fact of life. I saw you last week. You were practically having a melt down, and then all of a sudden you were the bright, happy person I know and love. It didn't take many smarts for me to figure out that you and Danny had gotten together."

"We did." Devlin cocked her head, looking at her friend. "So what do you do when Steve's gone, like now?"

"Emma's."

"And you don't tell him?"

"He doesn't own me, and I don't own him. We're not married, and neither of us has given our word about being exclusive for each other. We've agreed not to discuss our pasts, other than what we voluntarily share. The nice thing about Emma's is that nothing comes of it. The party's over, you leave, and that's it. That's one of the things I like about the lifestyle. You can get close, share, even have sex with someone, and do it in a safe environment, emotionally as well as physically."

"Are you suggesting we should go to Emma's this weekend?"

"I'm going, even if you aren't."

"How long is Steve going to be gone?"

"Nearly a month. He has a chance to do advanced work at the University of Chicago's School of Economics. That isn't something he can pass up."

Devlin digested this in silence. She knew what Krissi was saying, but somehow still felt it was wrong.

"Should I wear white?" she asked around another nibble of coffee cake. "At the wedding, I mean."

"Should you wear... ?" Krissi laughed. "Of course you should wear white. White symbolizes purity, and the bride's intent. It certainly doesn't represent chastity, not in this day and age."

"That's just it," Devlin replied. "I've not been chaste. If anything, I've been a slut, and a slut--"

"Oh ho," Krissi said, cutting her off. "It all comes out, now."

"What? What comes out?"

"So Jeff's mother got to you after all."

"What? What does she have to do with this?"

"Almost everything. Why did she have those detectives following you? No, don't answer, I remember it from the trial. Jeff's mother said you were a slut, and you believe her. You were happy with Jeff, at least the Jeff who wasn't near his mother all of the time."

"I was not. I thought he was too much a Momma's Boy."

"Yes you did, but that was after your freshman year. You've told me all about your first year here, how the two of you were practically living together, how the two of you were inseparable, even a little about how happy you were.

"Then she did a surprise visit. I remember you telling me about it. Things began to go downhill right after that. She decided you two were sleeping together, and when you couldn't be dragged to her church for a brainwashing session, you had to go. You were a threat to her control over her son. That's when those private eyes started following you."

She folded her hands and smiled. "Tell me that isn't true."

"Well... it's not."

"It's what you told me. I remember you practically crying your heart out about it. You told me everything, and the timeline wasn't hard to put together after that. She got you to thinking you were a slut."

"I am. Look at all the guys I've screwed."

"And that makes you a slut?" She tilted her head and cocked her eyebrow. "A slut, if I recall right, likes sex. Nice girls aren't supposed to, which is probably news to every woman. And you like sex, we both know that."

"Well..."

"Well, nothing. You do. I seem to recall an essay you showed me once, something you wrote back in high school. You went on at some length about how you liked everything about sex, and you went into explicit detail, too. I've gotten to know you well enough in the last few months to know that the real Devlin wrote that, not the one who's been moping about for the last two weeks, wondering if she deserves to be happy and have a guy like Evan."

"But I don't want to marry him under false pretenses!"

"And you won't."

"But he'll think I'm a nice, normal girl, and I'm not."

"No, you're who you are. You aren't some image of a girl cut out of a teenager's magazine. You've had some experience, true, but when he slips the ring on your finger that's past. Jesus, Devlin, how plain do I have to make it?"

Devlin started to say something, but couldn't. Somehow Krissi had captured what she'd been agonizing over. She'd hated having to keep secrets from everybody, especially her partying. Doing so felt wrong, and she liked the idea of airing it all out. But if she did, Evan would dump her, she was sure of it. And she didn't want to lose him. She hadn't met any other guy like him. Of course she hadn't dated all that much, so she didn't have much in the way of comparison. When the other girls on her floor were going out on dates, she was going up to Emma's to screw her brains out. Or Cindy's.

"I... suppose," she said, grudgingly. "I suppose I won't tell him."

"You'd better make up your mind to do more than 'suppose'," Krissi said.

"But I'm acting. I'm not who he thinks I am."

"So hint a little," Krissi said. "Don't come right out and say, 'oh, by the way, I've slept with a couple hundred men'. That will turn him off faster than... faster than anything. Hint at it, if it'll ease your mind. Not on the phone, God no, and not in your letters. You have to do this in person so you can judge his reactions."

She shrugged. "Who knows, perhaps he'll be excited by having someone with as much experience as you have."

"No he won't, I can tell that already. I'm part of the baseball dream, the supportive wife and mother of his children. I'll have a job outside of the home, but since it's in selling bras to women with medical problems, that fits the dream, too. A lot of the wives get involved in charity work or some other good cause, and my lingerie business will be seen as more of the same."

Krissi looked at the clock on the wall behind the cash register. "You have to get to class. We can't spend all day unraveling your psyche."

Devlin broke the last piece of coffee cake in two. "I know," she said, wanly. "I keep coming back to the idea that I'm not what he thinks I am."

Krissi began gathering her things together. "So find out what he thinks you are. You'll have time before the wedding to change that perception. You'll have to do it gradually, of course, no big announcement, but it can be done."

"I know." Devlin looked at her watch. "Jesus, I'm going to be late. Thanks for hearing me out."

"Even if most of it was me lecturing to you. So, Emma's this weekend?"

"Maybe," Devlin said as she got up. "I'm still wrestling with these internal demons."

"Internal demons, Jeff's mother, and too many magazines as a young girl. I'll give you a call on Friday afternoon. We can sort it out from there."

Devlin nodded. "Yeah, let's talk some more on Friday." She sighed and headed into the afternoon. For all of her questions, she still had her classes, which was why she was here at college.

"I'm ready for another lecture," Devlin joked as Krissi opened the door of her apartment.

"Let's talk on our way to Emma's," Krissi said. "You might not want to party, but I do. You can always go sit in the hot tub or something."

They were on the freeway before Krissi spoke again. "So, are you still confusing sex with love?"

"I have to," Devlin replied. "Most people do, and I have to assume Evan does."

Krissi nodded. "Part of that is cultural upbringing. A girl is taught, not openly, that she uses her body to hold a man." She snickered. "The people who say that obviously never think that love can do the same thing. I was surprised to discover that there are married couples that don't make love."

"They don't... ? But..."

"They don't," Krissi said. "I know that's hard to believe, but it was in some study I read. For them marriage is friendship, companionship and partnership. Sex is somewhere down near the bottom of the list. I'm told that as you grow older, and have kids, the fire dies down a bit."

"Not between the ages of 14 and 20," Devlin said. "We both know that."

"Boy, do we. It took me a while before I learned that I could have sex with a guy and not have to fall in love with him. But I was lucky, I grew up in the Netherlands, well, except for a year in Iceland. They have a whole different attitude over there."

"Oh? In what way?"

"In Iceland it's not uncommon to have a child before you get married. I don't speak Icelandic, but fortunately English got me through. And the girls I hung out with were quite frank in their approach to sex. It was part of growing up, and they spent time talking about it." She chuckled. "At times their discussions were as frank as Amnita's."

"Whoa. She's pretty explicit."

"There was an awful lot of 'what did you do when you encountered X?', and 'how did you deal with Y?'. I learned a lot, and when we returned to The Hague I was a lot more comfortable with my body and my feelings than before we left."

"And yet you didn't actually do it until you got to college."

"That was because of my mother. I've made up for lost time since then. But the big thing I learned was that it's just sex, a physical act between two people. Love can figure into it..." She patted Devlin's knee, "but for the most part it's just something that's fun to do."

"If I didn't feel so... so guilty about doing it," Devlin muttered.

"See? That's society and culture talking. You're supposed to go to your marriage bed an innocent blushing virgin with no idea what's going to happen that night. That way, if you happen to get knocked up, there won't be any question about the identity of the father. You should see what it's like in some countries. The girl has to be a virgin. If she isn't, the girl's father owes the groom or the groom's family, a bunch of cattle and some other recompense. In some places the girl can even be killed if she isn't a virgin. That attitude, by the way, goes as far back as inheritance."

"You're kidding me."

Krissi shook her head. "Some cultures are still tribal. I won't name names, but they're really backward about such things, more than a thousand years backwards. If history's any guide, they're going to cause problems before they're yanked into the 20th Century."