Chapter 43

Doug was a head case, that much was clear by the time they got to the car.

"It felt... I don't know, it felt strange, Devlin. Not like anything I've experienced before." He started the car, but didn't move, letting it warm up.

"A woman's vagina doesn't feel like her anus," she replied. "Or at least that's what I've been told. I don't know about guys."

"Well, it didn't feel like any man, either. And she squeezed me. That's when I lost it. I was thinking I could maintain, you know, just keep going, and after a while pull out and maybe jerk myself off. I didn't expect... I didn't expect I'd actually cum inside her. I didn't know that a woman could do something like that with her vagina."

"I can, but I have stronger muscles down there than most women, the product of years of ballet class."

"I got so close... I was going to pull out, but... but I couldn't. It wasn't like she wouldn't let me, it was like I wanted to push even deeper in her and... and..."

She patted him on the shoulder. "There, there, I'm told the first time is always a bit of a shock."

"You mean most guys act this way their first time?"

"I'm not sure most guys act this way their first time. I've only had sex with two guys when it was their first time, and I didn't stop to take notes." She smiled. "They were so eager to get it inside me that I don't think they were noticing too much. The first time is different for a girl."

"I bet, with your hymen and blood, and they say it hurts, and the risk of pregnancy, even then, and all of the muscles and things that are being used for the first time, and..."

"It's not just physical," she said, shaking her head. She tapped her temple. "A lot of what happens is going on up here. It's a big moment in a girl's life. Oh, sure, there are some physical things going on, but I wouldn't believe everything I read in the magazines."

"But I heard it hurts because your hymen gets torn and--"

"A girl can lose that little piece of flesh any number of ways that don't have anything to do with sex." Devlin looked exasperated. "Like I said, don't believe what you read in books and magazines. I didn't have one to get torn my first time. I know because when I had a pelvic exam six months before, the doctor commented on it. As near as I can figure I must have lost it in dance class. Either that, or when I was horseback riding with my cousins when I was 11 or 12. It doesn't matter, to me, how it happened. It wasn't there my first time."

Doug held up his hand in apology. "Sorry. I only know what I've heard from Lisa and her friends. But what about pregnancy and all of the rest? You know, muscles that you'd never used before and stuff like that."

"Pregnancy wasn't a concern; I was careful, we were both careful. As for the rest, it felt different, okay? I'd never felt anything quite like it before, which is why I couldn't describe it to Lisa. And as for the muscles down there, it varies from girl to girl. For some of us, for me, it was like adjusting to something new, that's all. I was stretched in ways and places I never had before. It's not like my muscles weren't ready, I'd masturbated enough that--"

"Devlin!"

"What? Admitting that I masturbated?" He nodded. "A lot of girls masturbate, Doug. They don't always admit it, there's a lot of social pressure to keep you from admitting it, but girls do. I started masturbating when I was 11. It felt good, it didn't seem to do any harm that I could tell, and after my first climax I couldn't wait to do it again.

"Anyway," she went on, "I masturbated, and that actually got my muscles down there used to working. I've always felt a girl should masturbate so she can learn about her body. A lot of things that happen when you reach that age either hurt, or they don't feel right. Masturbation teaches you that there are things about your body developing that feel good. Besides which," she added, "it makes blood flow down there easier, and it relieves a lot of physical tension.

"But about a girl's first time, you're nervous, but you're sort of prepared for it, too. It's a big moment in your life. Before then you're a girl; afterwards you're a woman. I'm told, by guys, that it's sort of the same for them. Before that moment they're a boy, afterwards they're a man. I only have that on hearsay, of course. I really don't know for sure."

"Does that mean I wasn't a man until now?" Doug looked puzzled. "I'm 28 years old, Devlin, and--"

"I won't comment," Devlin said, cutting him off. Secretly she wondered. She didn't know how it was in the Gay community. There was that line from the movie Paint Your Wagon, where the boy was handed over to the prostitute with the words: "I give to you the boy. Return to me the man." Society seemed to think that a man was a man when he finally made love to a woman. Rani seemed to think that way, too. Devlin wasn't sure what she thought.

Maybe it was all bound up in the idea that he was starting the next generation, and he now had responsibilities. She shook her head slightly. That sounded way too simplistic. She'd have to ask Danny. He usually had an idea about things like this. Maybe he could tell her.

Thinking of the next generation, she checked her watch. It was after 10:00 p.m. That was 9:00 p.m. in Arizona. Evan should be back from dinner by now. She consigned Doug's problems to the 'pending' file and dug out her cell phone.

Evan answered on the first ring. "I just knew you'd call," he said.

"Well, it is the usual time. How did things go today?"

"We played a pre-season game against the Sky Sox. I got in three innings, no runs, two hits, no walks, and one strikeout."

"That sounds pretty good."

"It'll do. I was lucky, two Sky Sox hitters swung at what was ball four. How about you? What have you been up to?"

"Since we talked last... oh, was it as long ago as yesterday?"

He laughed with her. "Yes, I know, such a long time ago."

"Not much. School, and a little socializing with some faculty members. My mother's getting married at the end of next week and she's a bundle of nerves right now. She calls me every day, mostly for some long-distance hand-holding."

"I'd like to meet her," he said. "If I could make it, I would, but we'll be in Albuquerque that weekend for our last pre-season tune-up. That's not exactly a casual commute, and I'll probably be pitching down there, anyway. At least that's the way the rotation is shaping up."

Lesson Number One, Devlin thought. The Team comes First. You make social arrangements around the team's schedule, not the other way around.

"Yeah," she said out loud, "it'd be rather hard to do a 2 o'clock wedding, and then get to the ballpark half a continent away in time to warm up. I'm sure the pitching coach would have a few things to say."

"More than a few," Evan laughed. "And in language that would blister paint. I'll send her something through you, though, so don't worry."

Devlin made a mental note: she'd have to tell her mother about Evan, maybe even show her some pictures. Fortunately none of the pictures she had of him were x-rated. That wouldn't have been the case if he'd been a guest on the island.

She stole a glance at Doug, who was watching traffic as he drove, and pointedly trying not to listen in on the conversation. She knew he had a lot on his mind, but right now this was a lot more important than any trauma he felt.

"When are you going to be in the Midwest?"

"In just about three weeks. We play the Iowa Cubs in Des Moines the last week of the month."

"I'm going to try to get over there. It'll be good to see you."

"I miss you more and more each day."

"I do, too. I'll call you... tomorrow?"

"That's a long time from now, but I think I can wait. I'll force myself."

"I will, too." She took a deep breath, and uttered the words she felt were true. "I love you." She hoped she wasn't premature with them.

"And I love you. Same time?"

"Same time." They never said good-bye. She didn't know why, it was just something they never did. Good-bye sounded so permanent.

She suddenly felt like singing. He'd said them, he'd said the words. Oh, it sounded like an automatic response, but she'd take what she could get. And if he did love her... she hadn't decided she loved him, she'd felt it in her heart. Deciding you were in love sounded too mechanical, as if she was going over a checklist. Had he spoken from the heart? She wasn't sure. She hoped he had. This was something she'd have to figure out in the next three weeks.

"Was that your boyfriend?" Doug asked, breaking her train of thought.

"One and the same."

"Does he know about... Cindy's?"

Devlin shook her head. "No, he doesn't. And if you meet him I'd appreciate it greatly if you didn't tell him."

"I won't." He drove in silence for a few seconds. "What's he like, Devlin? What does he do?"

"He's a baseball player. Minor leagues at the moment, but there's a chance he may make it to the majors in the next year or so."

"Well good for him. He's lucky getting a girl as understanding as you."

"Thank you. Now, is there anything else about tonight you need to talk about?"

He laughed shakily. "A few things. I took... I took your advice about her breasts. I was under the impression most women thought their breasts were something to amuse the guy until he got down to fucking her."

"Sometimes it seems that way. Who did you hear that from? Lisa and Jo?"

"No, I heard a gal say something about it one night at Cindy's."

Devlin sighed. "I'm not going to spend time talking with you about a woman's breasts. They're sensitive, they're meant to be sucked, and they're bound up in a woman's self-esteem. After all, they're one of the most obvious indications that she's a woman, or at least an adult."

"Not even a little?"

"I make a living from women's breasts. Let's talk about something else."

"All right, but she did seem happier when I played with them. That was something else strange for me tonight."

"You mean you've never touched someone's breasts?"

"Most of the time I concentrate on a woman's lower-half, and leave her chest alone."

"You'll make most women a lot happier if you spend some time with her chest, especially if you're putting it to her at the same time. Comment on how nice they are. Tell her they're firm, you love sucking them, and things like that. Trust me, most women will enjoy that, especially if you're caressing and sucking them at the same time."

He nodded. "I'll keep that in mind. I was surprised by one thing."

"Only one thing?"

"A lot of guys, when you go into them, their channel narrows the farther you get into them. But Rani, it was like there was an emptiness, like a big hollow at the end of her passage."

"It's not really a hollow. That's the area around her cervix, and a woman opens up slightly there, or so I'm told. If you want to know more you should talk to a gynecologist."

"Not really. It was just... it felt different, and I was curious."

Devlin saw the parking lot for the dorm just ahead. She didn't mind answering his questions, it just seemed like there were an awful lot of them tonight. She wanted to help him, but she had things of her own to think about.

She was just about to get out of the car when Jeff walked by, holding hands with a girl with long, straight blonde hair.

For a moment Devlin thought it was Jo, but the face was all wrong. This was someone else. She looked sweet and awfully young.

"What's wrong?" Doug asked.

"Nothing," Devlin said. She waited until Jeff and the girl were out of sight. "Just someone from my past."

"That guy with the blonde?"

"Um-hmm."

"Is he bothering you?"

"Not any more. At least I hope not."

"If he does, let me know."

"And you'll 'take care' of it?"

"Friends help friends, Devlin."

"He's really not a problem, Doug."

"Nevertheless..."

Devlin let that alone. She knew Doug was trying to help, but Jeff was in her past. Her focus was on Evan.

"I've never understood," she said, changing the subject, "if I'm supposed to say I had a wonderful time. I did, but this isn't exactly a date."

"They think it is," Doug said, waving at the dorm. "But I know what you mean." He changed his voice to a falsetto. "What did you do, Devlin? Where did you go? Oh, nothing much. We went to a party where we met this interesting couple that we fucked a couple of times. He had a nice thick cock, it curved a little to the left, and a really cute butt that I just loved grabbing and holding on to while he put it to me."

Devlin started laughing. "That's true, but I can't say that!"

Doug smiled wanly. "I can't, either. My Department Head asked me about you, you know."

"He did? What did you say?"

"I told him that you had a girlfriend, and that you'd helped me with inserts for my bra. He knows I like to wear a dress."

"Oh, great. Now it'll get all over school."

"I don't think so. He'd heard a rumor that I had gone out with a woman. If he thinks you're a lesbian he won't hassle me."

"So you're not going to tell him about tonight."

"No, especially not about tonight. I'm still having trouble believing it."

They got out of the car and walked slowly toward her dorm. "I wish I could help you more," Devlin said, "but a lot of this is stuff you have to work out yourself."

"I know," Doug sighed. "I'm sorry if I rambled on a bit, Devlin. I was just... it was..."

"No need to worry," Devlin said. "I understand. There are times where you need a sympathetic ear."

They paused at the door. "I'm busy tomorrow," Devlin said, "but if you feel you need to talk, give me a call."

Doug watched the people flowing in and out through the doors. "I probably won't have to," he said. "I'm tired, but I have this feeling I'm going to lie in bed trying to figure out some things about myself."

"I know that feeling, too," Devlin said. "Oh, we won't be going next week; my period."

"Probably just as well," Doug said. "Right now I think I'd need to nerve myself up for another trip to Cindy's."

She patted him on the hand. "Think things through. If you need me, I'll be there for you."

He turned away, clearly still troubled. She returned to her room. Connie wasn't back, yet, and she was rather glad. She felt marvelous. Vijay had been one of the better guys she'd been with in some time. She wouldn't put him up in the league with Marie's husband Rick, or Pepper's husband Jesse, or even Danny, but he was close. Her last two climaxes had left her limp and totally wrung out. A girl needed that from time to time.

The next day she was just entering Linkins when Rani waved. "I was hoping I would run into you," she said, coming up to Devlin.

"Hoping you'd run into me?"

"I have seen you in here several times," Rani said. "I did not realize you went to Cindy's."

"I didn't realize you went there, either," Devlin said. She liked Rani's slight British accent and the precise way she pronounced her words.

"We have only been there a few times. Normally we are in the other bedroom."

Devlin nodded. She selected her lunch and headed for a table in the corner. "Have you only been in the lifestyle for a short while?"

"Less than a year," Rani said. "We started when Vijay was at UNLV. When he got a job here, and I did, too, some friends recommended we look up a couple of people. Cindy was one of them."

"And how do you like it?"

Vijay looked down at the tea she was stirring. "I had fun, though your partner Doug seems hesitant for a man."

"He has... issues, problems."

"Vijay... Vijay wanted to know... I know this is against the rules, but... but Vijay wanted to know if he could see you--"

"No," Devlin said before she could finish. "I don't see people I party with outside of the party."

Rani nodded, relief evident on her face. "Vijay is... others tell me he is a good lover," she said in a low voice. "But not with me. He is... it is... mechanical. He... he puts it... you know, and then he just slides back and forth until he is through."

"You don't get any pleasure?"

"Not much," Rani said. "That is partly why we go to these parties. The men there, I... I get pleasure with them. It is like what I learned from studying the temple in the town where I was born."

"The temple?"

Rani waved that away. "Vijay said you... he said you squeezed him with your... down there, with your muscles."

Devlin nodded. "I know how to do that. Doug said when you squeezed him, that's when he came."

"Came, that is the word I was after. Where did you learn to squeeze like that?"

"I've taken ballet classes since I was 8," Devlin said. "I have strong muscles down there, and I learned how to use them."

Rani smiled shyly. "I was a dancer once. I wanted to be a dancer in the temple, but..."

"But... ?"

"They wanted me to go out in the world. I support the temple," she added in a rush. "I give them money every month. I just wanted to be a dancer, not a professor."

"Maybe someday... ?"

"Will you ever be a dancer?" Rani asked.

Devlin laughed softly. "Not with these," she said, indicating her breasts. "And I'm probably too old for it now."

"I, too, am too old. I could be a teacher in the temple." She sighed. "I would like that, even though I know my place is here, in this country. Next year, perhaps, I will become a US Citizen."

"Good for you. What's this temple you've been talking about?"

"There was a temple in our town," she said, "a very famous temple. It had carvings on the walls of every possible way a man and a woman could make love." She smiled. "Outsiders thought the temple taught us those things."

"From your tone, it didn't."

Rani smiled again and shook her head. "In the old days people might have, but not in modern India. If we did what the carvings showed, it was in private with a lover."

"And you wanted to be a dancer there? What was that all about?"

"I love to dance," Rani said, sighing wistfully. "When I am dancing I lose myself in the dance. I dreamed of living to dance, and worshiping with my dance." She sighed again. "It was not to be. I love to dance, but I am not very good at it. I learned at an early age that I am a much better mathematician than I am a dancer. I still have my dreams, but they are only that, dreams."

"It was much the same for me," Devlin said. "I wanted to be a ballet dancer, but when my body began to develop, that was closed to me. People want their dancers to be svelte, and that means they can't have big boobs." She shook her head. "The only place a girl with my figure can dance is a place I don't care to go."

"I have seen those places," Rani said. "I suppose I could dance there, but... no."

"Are you and Vijay having problems?"

Rani shook her head. "No, except in bed, of course. We are good friends, we love each other, just there is no spark in the bedroom."

"I don't know what to tell you," Devlin said. "I'm not a marriage councilor, just a girl who likes to party."

"I should not tell you my troubles," Rani said.

"But what are friends for?" Devlin asked.

"Friends?"

"Well, we did get to know each other rather well last night."

Rani smiled, looking down. "Yes, I suppose so. Is it true Doug is a professor?"

"Sociology Department." Devlin realized how little she knew of Vijay and Rani. "Where do you and Vijay teach?"

"Vijay is a chemist," Rani said. "I am in the Mathematics Department. We do not really work together, though when we came to this country we both had job offers from one of your pharmaceutical companies. I have thought of that job since then. I may still take it." She gave Devlin a small smile. "It would pay better than teaching mathematics."

"Do you like teaching?"

"It is all right. I would be moving away, though. Is Indianapolis very far from here?"

"Several hours drive."

"Oh. Then maybe I will not." She turned her head, studying Devlin. "There is a young man in one of my classes, an engineering student. He speaks of a girl he knows named Devlin. Is that you?"

"That could be my ex-boyfriend," Devlin said. "Is his name Jeff? Medium height with brown hair?"

"That is him," Rani said. "He is a diligent student, but it is obvious the others do not care for him. Almost nobody talks to him before or after class. He seems so... rigid, not flexible at all. He only cares for the school book solution."

"He is very religious," Devlin said. "I didn't care for how religious he was. That's one of the reasons we broke up."

"A person can't live without religion."

"In this country you can be as religious as you want. I thought his Church controlled him, and through him they wanted to control me."

"You are too independent to let that happen," Rani said.

"Yeah, well, it almost did. I have a different boyfriend, now, and I choose not to see Jeff. I would appreciate it if you did not mention me to him."

Rani nodded. "As you wish. He is in one of my study groups, too. A girl picks him up afterwards. I do not think he cares for her the same way he talks of you."

"I think their church told her to be his girlfriend," Devlin said. "Anyway, that's in the past."

"In my country I have seen far too many become slaves to their religion," Rani said as she gathered her things together. "I do not think that is the fault of their religion, but in how some people interpret their religion.

"Thank you for setting my mind at ease, Devlin. I was worried that Vijay might want to see you in private. He likes you a great deal."

"I won't let that happen," Devlin replied. "I see Doug away from the parties, but we don't have sex together."

"You do not?" Rani's eyes widened in surprise. "That seems... odd."

"It's just the way it is. I think we both prefer it that way. As I said, I do have a boyfriend, Rani, he's just not here."

"Ah, then that is why you go to the parties. A girl needs the attention you get at these parties. It is not as satisfying as doing it by yourself."

"In part."

"So no one man at those parties..."

"After a while, aren't all men alike?"

"They all want the same thing," Rani said, her dark eyes crinkling as she smiled. "Occasionally you can find one who is not that way. I hope your boyfriend is that way, Devlin." She glanced toward the door. "I will see you next week. And I will tell Vijay what you said."

"I'll tell him again," Devlin said, "at the party."

Rani smiled and headed for the door. Devlin slumped in her seat. This was one of those things about the lifestyle that outsiders didn't understand. The lifestyle was a chance to cut loose and have fun. It wasn't a way to meet guys, and it certainly wasn't a way to start a relationship on the side. A lot of couples went into the lifestyle thinking it would fix anything wrong in their marriage, only to find that the exact opposite occurred.

The lifestyle was only for those people who were secure in their relationships. In that regard she was both lucky and an anomaly. In any ordinary social situation a single woman was seen as looking for a husband. That was even more the case at a lifestyle party. She wasn't, but it wasn't because of Jeff or even Evan. She liked getting laid, and if she wasn't going to be a 'kept woman', a mistress like she'd sort of been with Danny for so long, her only recourse was the dating scene. And life in the dorms had certainly taught her the problems that came with that approach.

On any given night she could talk with anyone on her floor and hear about something a guy had done, or hadn't done. Everyone, it seemed, was looking for a boyfriend. Some of the girls seemed to have impossibly high standards. Every guy they met failed to measure up in some way or other: they were too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, or some other quirk. Some had the wrong major--here she smiled, because there were only so many doctors and lawyers to go around--or the right major, but didn't pick up on the clues the girl dropped. At times it seemed as if most of the girls on her floor were more interested in finding a potential husband than learning anything in college, and failing miserably at it.