Chapter 24

Devlin was on her way back to her dorm room when she saw Jeff. He saw her at the same time and cut across the lawn directly at her. She really didn't want to talk to him, she had just enough time to dump her books and get ready for Cindy's party.

"Devlin?" he said when they were close enough. "Got a couple of minutes?"

She didn't, not really, but she smiled anyway. Maybe she could make this short. "A couple. What's up?"

"I wanted to apologize for my behavior yesterday." He looked down. "I, uh, I know I acted hastily, and I wanted to apologize for that. I know we haven't been seeing much of each other lately, and--"

"Not seeing much of each other?" She laughed once. "We haven't been seeing each other at all, Jeff."

"Yeah, well, I wanted to apologize for that, and I wanted to make it up to you. The Church is having a benefit dinner tonight to raise money for our building fund and I got us two tickets. It's a good chance to meet the other people in the Church and let them get to know you. I know you haven't wanted to, but it's really important that you do."

"You should have asked me a few days ago," she said gently. "I already have plans for tonight."

"That doesn't matter," he said quickly. "Look, we haven't got much time. You'll have to change, of course, some of the ladies have commented about how you dress, and, well, women don't belong in pants, even jeans. I know you have that nice dark blue dress you've worn from time to time. It's long enough to be decent, and--"

"My plans don't matter?" she asked, interrupting him.

"What?"

"You said my plans don't matter."

"Devlin, this is important."

"And my plans aren't?" This was too much. He hadn't learned anything from their talk earlier. He hadn't heard anything she'd said. And now he was telling her how to dress?

He put his hand on her arm. "Devlin, look, we haven't got much time. The dinner starts in an hour, and it'll take us almost that long to get there."

She pulled her arm free. "No."

"What?"

"You heard me." She stepped back slightly. "Jeff, no. I'm not going with you."

"But this is the best chance you'll have to meet the Church Elders, Devlin. They need to get to know you. They've wanted to for some time, but you never have the time for them. You know that doesn't create a very favorable impression. There've been all sorts of rumors about you, and...""

Certainty congealed in her stomach like a lump of ice. "And I'll never have time for them. I won't join your Church, Jeff, I thought you understood that by now."

He waved that away and grabbed her arm again. "The Elders need to see you dressed up, you know, all proper and demure, not like the rumors I've heard."

"Rumors?" She pulled her arm away again. "What rumors?"

"Oh, you know, rumors."

"What rumors."

He looked down, looked away, anywhere but at her. "Um, that we've been, you know, like husband and wife in my apartment. I don't know how they'd know that, and we really shouldn't, it's wrong, and... and... well, there've been others. Somebody said they saw you in that yellow top you have, you know, the one that seems like it's molded to your, um, your... you know." He made a vague motion in front of his chest.

"They're called breasts, Jeff." She could feel her temper rising. "Every woman has a pair." She clenched her fists, trying to hold back her rising anger. "Go on, what else did they say?"

"But they're so big." He looked at her chest, and then looked away. "Some of the women think you had a doctor to make them so big, and that's wrong, we shouldn't be meddling with what God gave us, our bodies are the way they are for a reason. Now I know you didn't, but how could I tell them that I knew?

"My sister said a couple of women saw you downtown in a really short skirt, you know, that red one you have. It was like you were parading yourself for the men. They were saying only a... a wanton woman would wear something like that, and, well, I know you're not that way, you're so demure and chaste, well, except when we're, you know, when we're like husband and wife in my apartment, and--"

"The only red skirt I have isn't that long, Jeff. It's the proper length for a skirt in the business place today."

"But it's so short and loose. Why a gust of wind could pick it up and show everything!"

She took a half-step back. "Jeff?" She kept her voice quiet. Everybody had told her she had to break up with him. She'd put it off and put it off because she felt comfortable around him. But now she realized she'd been mistaking comfort for a straightjacket. He wanted to force her into one, and she wasn't going to go.

"Jeff, I'm not going with you tonight." She took a deep breath. "I'm not going with you any other night, either."

"But..." He glanced at his watch.

"Jeff, I..." She swallowed. Krissi had told her there would be a moment when she would have to be herself and just lay it out for Jeff. Sue and Connie--Connie of all people--had said the same thing. She hadn't really listened, but now she knew she should have.

"Jeff, you want me to be something I can't be. Your Church wants me to be that way, too, and I-I can't."

"Devlin--"

She held up her hand, cutting him off. "I can't be the little woman in the background, Jeff, you know, the one supporting her man. Your Church wants me to be a supporter, helping you from behind. They see you, they don't see me." She shook her head. "I can't do that. I'm me, I'm independent, I can't be just a helper."

"You don't have to be," he said. "The Church has plenty of independent women. They help run the Church itself and--"

"Help." She cut him off. "There's that word again. You've told me I should quit school, that I should be more like your sister." She shook her head. "I suppose if I did they'd find me a job."

"Sure." He brightened up. "They could find you a job, even in the big companies here in town. They can get you this great job, but one so you can be home for the kids and...""

"Kids?! How did kids get into this."

He looked puzzled. "But that's what a woman normally does, raise the kids. That's why she needs to be home."

"No. Certainly not, at least not yet."

"But we've been trying to make a baby, haven't we? I mean, this is how it's done. I'm surprised you haven't had one yet. We've certainly tried enough times. Of course it's probably a good thing you didn't get pregnant, I mean after all, a baby without the sanctity of marriage? That's... that just can't be allowed to happen."

Devlin felt her jaw dropping. Didn't he understand she was on birth control? She'd only told him that at least a dozen times in the last two years. She couldn't believe that. Had he been ignoring her for that long?

"Anyway, that's why a woman should only have a job like a secretary," he said. "She needs to focus her attention on the family and helping her husband succeed."

"Jeff," she said quietly. She had to repeat herself twice before he looked at her. "Jeff, you don't understand, do you?"

"What?"

"I'm not going to be a secretary, Jeff. I'm not going to be somebody's helper. Sure, I want kids, but not now. I--"

"But a woman is supposed to be the helpmeet of the man."

She dug her fingers into her palms. He still wasn't listening. She couldn't get through to him, and now she realized she never would.

Jeff started lecturing her about the role of a woman. She ignored it, fighting her frustration and anger back down. She needed to keep a civil tongue in her head. Screaming at him wouldn't help, no matter how good it would make her feel. When he finally paused she forced herself to smile.

"I'll always treasure that summer before college, Jeff. And last year, for the first couple of months of the semester, that was magic. I'll have those memories of us, Jeff, and I'll always remember you. But please don't try to be part of my life any more."

She took a deep breath to steady her nerves. "I won't be your helpmeet, Jeff, I won't be your wife. I don't want to be any of those things."

He looked thunderstruck. "Devlin? Are you... are you saying... we're not..."

"Please don't try to see me any more, Jeff." There, she'd said it. "Please don't call me, and don't wait for me after class, either."

She turned to leave, and he put his hand on her arm, stopping her. "Devlin, wait. It doesn't have to be like this. We can--"

"We can... what? Work things out?" She shook her head. "No, no, I don't think so. This is long past 'working things out'. I never should have started seeing you in the first place. I'm breaking up with you, Jeff. I don't want to see you, I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to see or talk to anyone from your Church. I don't want you in my life at all." She searched his face. "Is that clear?"

"Devlin, I--"

"I have many fond memories of our time together, Jeff, don't spoil them now." She looked down at his hand; he snatched it back, his face red. "Good-bye, Jeff."

She walked away, her fingernails cutting into her palms. She felt empty. She felt like she was burning up. She wanted to cry, she wanted to throw up, she wanted to do something, hit something, do anything. She could feel her tears now, and the cold little tracks they were leaving on her face. She didn't try to wipe them away. There'd be time for that later.

She heard footsteps behind her. She half-turned, expecting to see Jeff, but it was another girl, one wrapped up in a heavy coat and muffler against the cold, and clearly going somewhere else. Jeff was standing where she'd left him, watching her, a blank look on his face.

She remembered that first night they'd been together back in high school at that dance, and how wonderful the next few weeks had been. The world had seemed brighter. Everything had seemed fresh and new. That was a memory she'd keep in her heart forever, but it was just that, a memory. What had happened in the last few months was a memory, too, but not one she wanted to keep.

"How could I have been so blind?" she muttered. She hit her fist against her leg. "I know what it was, I got hooked on his goddamned cock, not that he was ever that good with it." She laughed bitterly. The other girls on the floor accused guys of thinking with their dicks, and for the last two years she'd done the same thing, only she didn't have the proper anatomy to do it. No wonder she'd gotten screwed up over him.

Connie wasn't in when she got back to her room, that was just as well. Devlin threw her books on her desk and sat on her bed, snuffling. She'd been so stupid. She'd been so blind. Everyone had told her, and she had blithely ignored them. How could she be so dumb?

Alexa must have heard her. "What's wrong?" she asked, coming to the door.

"I just broke up with Jeff." Devlin pulled idly at her coat, realizing she still had it on.

"Good for you, girl. You should have done that a long time ago."

"Yeah, then why do I feel so miserable?" She wanted to lock the door, pull the covers over her head, and shut out the world. An hour ago she'd been bubbling along, thinking about the party at Cindy's, and now...

"Breaking up is supposed to be hard." She pulled Devlin to her feet. "Come on, I've got just the thing for you." She had a small refrigerator next to the desk in her room. She opened it and took out a small container of chocolate ice cream.

"Here," she said, filling a dish, "this is good for what ails you."

"Is that... is that low-fat?"

"Of course not. Eating low-fat chocolate ice cream is a sin or a crime against nature, or something like that, especially when you've just broken up with your boyfriend."

Devlin tentatively took a bite. It did taste good, much better than the low-fat ice cream she occasionally got after dinner. She took another, and was surprised to see the dish was empty.

"Uh, sorry." She handed Alexa the dish. "I, uh..."

Alexa took it and put it on her desk. "Come on," she said, picking up her coat. "You need more help than a single dish of ice cream can fix."

She took Devlin to the restaurant across the street from the Athletic Club. A few minutes later Connie joined them.

"I just heard," she said as she slid into the booth. She handed Devlin a tissue and studied her face. "How are you feeling?"

"You heard?" Devlin looked up from the iced tea in front of her. "Who told you?"

Connie smiled. "Girl, it's all over the floor back at the dorm. You finally had the gumption to break up with him. It's about time, too; everybody's saying that."

"Yeah," Devlin said, "I should have done it months ago."

The waitress put a large bowl of vanilla ice cream in the middle of the table, along with a bottle of chocolate syrup. "One Break-up From the Miserable Jerk Special," she said. She put a box of tissues in front of Devlin. "It comes with this, but I don't have any spare trash cans."

"So," Connie said as she filled Devlin's bowl. "Tell us all about it. What happened? What did he say, and what did you tell him?"

Haltingly, Devlin recounted what had happened. Somewhere in there Alexa bought a bottle of wine.

"I'm too young to drink," Devlin said. "At least in this state."

"This is an exception," Alexa said. She poured Devlin a glass of wine. "Trust me, you need this."

"But won't we get in trouble?"

Alexa shook her head and pushed the glass at Devlin. "Go ahead, just a sip for starters."

Hesitantly Devlin took a sip. Ever since she'd turned 15 her mother had given her a glass of champagne at New Years. This was like that, only not as bubbly.

The first two glasses didn't seem to have any affect; after the third, though, Connie urged her to tell them what she really thought of Jeff.

Alexa nodded as Devlin's explanation ended in hiccups and a few tears. "Well, he's a definite scuzzball." Alexa hiccupped, too. "I met him once, some guy I was dating, an engineer, God help me, and there was this, I don't know, this social thing; the engineering students stand around and talk about engineering while their dates pretend to be interested." She hiccupped a third time. "He looked so uptight I knew it had to be him."

"Scuzzball." Devlin rolled the word around on her tongue. "Yeah, and you're right, he's uptight, too, and so's his whole Church." She reached for her glass, snagging it on the second try. "You know what I liked about him?"

"It had to be s-something," Connie said. "It wasn't his perso-perso--It wasn't him."

"His dingus. His dick. I liked it because it was about this long." She held her hands nearly a foot apart.

"You're kidding," Alexa said, her eyes wide. "Guy's things don't get that big. They'd have too much blood loss or something."

"I don't know," Connie said. "No blood means no thinking, and that describes a guy with a hard-on. He's not doing any thinking, his dick is, and it's got only one thought in its little head."

"Jeff's is that long, trust me, I measured it one night." Devlin set her hands on the table, still holding them apart. "The first time I danced with him, you know how guys'll get hard when you dance with 'em..."

"Sometimes that's the best thing about dancin' with 'em," Connie said, nodding slowly.

Devlin nodded. "Yeah, even if they stuff socks in their shorts to make their ding-dongs seem bigger." She tried, and failed to take a bite of ice cream. "I am drunk," she said, putting the spoon back.

"No matter, feels good. Probably feel like hell tomorrow." She paused, trying to remember what she'd been talking about. "Oh, yeah. Jeff's dick. Yeah. We were dancing, and it kept getting' bigger an' bigger. Stupid me, I just had to see how big it was. Didn't believe guys could get that big."

She waved her hand airily. "I've seen other dicks, big ones, little ones..." She giggled. "There was this guy, teeniest little dick you ever saw. Swear it was only that long." She held her thumb and finger about 3" apart. "Looked like a babies', you know? But he an' his wife, they've got three kids, so it was obviously long enough."

"If they're his." Alexa licked her lips and leaned forward. "What's it like, you know, when they're that big? I've always wondered."