She never really knew when it would happen, nor did she know why it was happening. It confused her as nothing else ever has, and yet she enjoyed it. Her pleasure was one of two certainties in this bewildering occurrence; the other being Jordan. It was never anyone else. Just Jordan.

As she was cleaning off the baby after his lunch, a baby she loved as much as life itself (partially because he was part of Jordan), she was thinking of everything in a jumble of thoughts that seemed to control the majority of her thoughts at least half of every waking hour. "Why is this happening? She is my friend and I love her dearly. But why this? Why do I get so much frustration and yet, so much fulfillment from this? What does this mean about me? What does she think of me? She loves me. I know this. But what if... ?"

She laid the baby down for his afternoon nap. These thoughts were driving her crazy; she felt as though she will never have answers. She felt like she was at the mercy of whatever force it was that was making all of this happen. She felt powerless against it. It terrified her. It thrilled her. It made her heart race and her stomach flutter.

She needed to distract herself, hoping to stave off the inevitable until she was able to deal with it more rationally. She turned the stereo to her favorite station. Dancing and singing to the music, she washed the dishes, swept the floors, folded laundry. She did everything she could think of that needed to be done, all the while feeling it move closer and closer to her. She knew it would happen. She knew that when Jordan walked in the door, home from a long day at work, their eyes would meet, Jordan would smile, and that look - that tormenting, flirtatious look - would be there. She knew she could not win the fight once she saw Jordan. But she was going to try. She had to. She could not let herself be controlled by this any longer.

She showered and dressed, unconsciously attempting to make herself as irresistibly sexy as possible. The baby woke up, happy and smiling. He made her heart melt with every smile, every noise, and every move he made. She loved him so much it hurt. She played with him, making him giggle in that infectious laugh babies seem to have. She watched him for hours in wonder, trying to memorize everything he did and every face he made. She felt like he was her baby too, sighing a bit when she would remind herself he was not. He was Jordan's baby. She could not be jealous of that; it simply endeared him to her even more.

She fed him dinner and tried to make herself eat a little something. She could feel the time going by, faster than what she was ready for. She tried to ignore the clock, an impossible feat. She glanced at it. 10 minutes. 10 minutes!!! "Oh God! I'm not ready! I can't do this again! What choice do I have? I can't leave; I'm watching the baby. I live here! Jordan would be worried. I would have to come here at some point to bring him home and then I would see her anyway. It's useless to fight this. But it's killing me."

She changed the baby and got him into his pj's, going through the motions of something so automatic that she did not even give thought to what she was doing. Her brain was on the clock and knowing that Jordan would walk in soon. She glanced at it again. 5 more minutes. Anytime now. It was starting already. She felt her body flush. Her heart was beating faster. Her stomach was starting to feel those nervous twinges. Her ears heard the car in the driveway. She's home; Jordan is home.

As she does every day, Jordan walked in the door, looking too young to be her age and too happy to have worked all day. The baby went running over to her and Jordan's face lit up. She bent down to pick him up and she covered his little face in kisses, then tickled his neck with kisses, making him laugh like it was coming from his toes! It is one of the most precious sounds in this world! She does her best to get the most out of the time she has with him because she always works late and he is ready for bed within an hour after she gets home. She finally put the baby down.

"Hi", Jordan says with a smile, "how was your day? How was the baby?"

She looks at Jordan, and her world goes fuzzy. She can see Jordan walking towards her and can feel the embrace before it even happens. It always makes her feel like everything is going to be okay. She feels the arms around her and wants to cry. It feels too good to be a hug between friends.

They talk for a little while, filling Jordan in on the baby's day. They laugh together at things he had done and wonder together what kind of person he will grow up to be. They speak of Jordan's day, and all the frustrations that went with it. She always admires Jordan for dealing with this job. The baby is getting fussy, so Jordan brings him over for a goodnight kiss and then puts him to bed.

In what seems like the blink of an eye, Jordan is sitting beside her again. And they are quiet. She can feel Jordan looking at her, and knows that if she looks back, their eyes will meet and her strength will not hold up. She's been having this inner struggle for months and she has had a few too many close calls recently. She has felt her logic and any sensible part of her brain slowly dwindling down to nothing. She feels a hand on her chin, lifting her face. Their eyes meet. And her eyes fill with tears.

She grabs Jordan's hand. "I'm sorry. I don't know what's come over me. But I think I'm just tired. I'm going to head off to bed now. Sleep tight."

As she gets up, she feels Jordan pull her back down. "Please tell me what you're thinking. I've been worried about you lately. You seem to be distancing yourself from me and if there is something I have done, I want to know."

She can't do it any longer. She has to say something. Everything comes out, in sobs, all at once! "I love you Jordan. I've loved you for so long and it's eating me alive. When you are not here, it scares me and it excites me, but mainly it confuses me. I don't know when it happened, all I know is that it did. You are my best friend and I do not want to ruin that, but I'm so afraid that if I don't tell you this, it will get destroyed anyway. All I can think about is you smiling at me, hearing you say my name, feeling your arms around me, and I wonder what it would feel like to have you kiss me and touch me, everywhere! I don't know what this means about me but I know that we are friends and that comes first. If you want me to leave, I will understand."

She sits there, wiping tears, not looking at Jordan, feeling ashamed of this sudden outburst, and fearing what Jordan will say or do. It remains quiet for too long. She takes a deep breath and tries to prepare for the worst. She looks up.

Jordan is there, looking at her, with the slightest hint of a smile. There is a sparkle in her eye that she has never noticed before. She feels her hand, still in Jordan's and realizes the fingers of their hands are now intertwined. When did that happen? She doesn't know. Jordan's other hand comes up and rests on the back of her neck. She can see Jordan's mouth moving, forming words, but her ears cannot seem to take in what she is saying yet. "I love you too". She hears that. It's ringing all over inside her head and it dawns on her that Jordan just told her she loves her too. She can't breathe! She wants to laugh and scream, but she can't move. She closes her eyes, trying to free herself from a suddenly very heavy gravity.

She feels lips on her own. They are touching so lightly that it might be a breeze. But it's not. They are soft, and gentle. Unable to stop it, she feels her arm rise up and lays her hand on the back of Jordan's head. She brings her in closer, and opens her mouth. A wet, warm tongue slowly enters her mouth; her entire body is filled with need for more. She lets go of Jordan's hand and wraps her arm around this body in front of her that she has wanted for so long!! She has no doubts, no worries, no fears. She feels only love and intense desire. They are kissing, and it's deep and it's hungry. She now knows she is not the only one who has been wanting this. She lies back on the couch and brings Jordan with her. She is melting into the kisses. Truly melting.