Chapter 4 -- Blow Up!

What have I got to do to make you love me?
What have I got to do to make you care?
What do I do when lightning strikes me?
And I wake to find that you're not there.

--Sorry Seems To Be the Hardest Word (Elton John)

During the next week in school, I noticed a couple of significant changes. The first change was that Kristen seemed to withdraw into herself.

Kristen's attitude worried me. During the weeks when I first met her, she had actually managed to be more animated. For the first time in her life, Kristen had real friends, and even invited them to her house and had a couple of pool parties there.

I had no idea why Kristen seemed so moody. The only thing I could think of was the argument we had on Sunday morning, but I had really thought that we had worked it out. Didn't we? I tried to talk to Kristen during our car rides and at lunch period, but it was to no avail. She was moody, and if she talked, it was only to answer a direct question and with as few words as possible, just like Amy in the jazz band.

Patty also seemed to be trying to figure out what was going on with Kristen, but Kristen seemed to shrug off Patty's attempts as well.

Kristen didn't invite me to dinner on Tuesday, nor did she show up for dinner at my house on Wednesday. My family noticed these events, but they didn't say much, apparently knowing that something was going on between Kristen and me.

Kristen's mood was contagious, since I guess I spent a lot of time thinking about Kristen's demand over the weekend and our subsequent discussion about it Sunday morning. Knowing that Kristen was upset about something and didn't seem willing to want to talk to me was very frustrating.

The second significant change I noticed that week was that Sherry seemed more at ease with me during the classes we shared. I guess I was happy for that. Camille repeatedly sought me out during the week to remind me that cheerleader tryouts were Thursday afternoon, and to make sure that Sherry attended. Since jazz band rehearsal was also Thursday afternoons, I wouldn't be able to attend with Sherry, but I promised her that I'd be there in spirit.

Jazz band rehearsal brought back the "old Kristen" as she chatted animatedly with Amy as if they were lifelong friends. For some reason, this bothered me. Then, during the improv number, I was surprised to hear a more intricate piano solo than I had ever heard Amy play. I looked over to the piano and was surprised to see Kristen was playing instead of Amy.

I stopped the rehearsal. "Kristen? You can play?"

"Since I was five," Kristen answered, her face turning sullen when she looked at me.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You didn't ask."

Kristen then turned away from me, and started talking to Amy, apparently about the improv that she had just played. She effectively dismissed me.

That attitude of Kristen's finally ticked me off. It was one thing for her to be angry with me, if that was how she was feeling. It was still another thing to disrupt the class and destroy the kind of discipline that I tried to maintain with the band while keeping the rehearsals fun and entertaining.

I called an early end to the rehearsal, and found Kristen outside, heading for her car. Apparently, she wasn't even going to offer me a ride home. I ran to catch up with her.

"Kristen, wait!"

Kristen turned around, a cold look on her face. "What?"

"I don't want you to ever do something like that again during rehearsal! If you're mad at me, fine, but I can't have you distracting Amy and being rude to me in front of the entire band."

"Are you saying that I'm distracting Amy?" asked Kristen incredulously.

"Yes, like when the two of you are gossiping about whatever it is you to discuss with one another. Amy is missing important lessons that she could be learning from the other band members and me. She's in there to perform, not just to gossip with you."

Kristen turned red. "Gossip? She's having trouble with doing solos. You know that, and you haven't done much to help her. She asked me for help, and I'm helping her. She doesn't have the nerve to ask anything of the great Maestro Crittenhouse."

"Kristen, if you continue with that attitude and determination to disrupt rehearsal, I will bar you from the music room!"

Kristen looked at me, anger flashing through her eyes. She knew that I did have the power to do just what I said, although I didn't know if I could actually go through with my threat. I still loved Kristen very much, and didn't really want to make her not see Amy. I still needed to enforce discipline.

After a few moments, Kristen said, "Fine. I won't attend your goddamned rehearsals. Good luck with Amy."

Kristen turned away and entered her car. There was absolutely no invitation from her for me to come in.

I stood there, stunned, as Kristen drove away, leaving tire tracks on the high school parking lot as she squealed away.

Well, I now needed a ride. I knew that Camille would be either on the football field or in the girls' locker room. Glancing at the empty field, I hoped she was in the locker room and hadn't left already.

I went as close to the door of the girls' locker room as was proper for a male, and could hear muffled voices of the girls.

After about ten minutes of waiting, the door opened and a few older girls came out. In the second stream of girls was Sherry, who was smiling and talking to another girl. She saw me and smiled. "Jim! Thanks for telling Cammy about me!"

"No problem, Sherry. Is she in the locker room?"

"She should be right out," Sherry giggled.

Camille did come out next. She saw me, and said, "Didn't expect to see you here. Was rehearsal canceled?"

"No. We just had a short one today." I was still seething inside at Kristen's actions, but didn't really want to discuss it.

"Where's Kristen?" Camille asked.

I stiffened in response.

Camille must have noticed my reaction. "Um, do you need a ride home?"

"Yeah," I admitted.

"I'm taking Sherry as well. Meet me in the parking lot in five minutes. I need to talk with the other cheerleaders for a few minutes."

I nodded.

Camille leaned up toward me and whispered, "Sherry is a shoo-in. She's very talented and she can flip better than most of the other girls."

"Cool."

"Don't tell her, though. We'll make the announcements on Monday."

"Sherry is going to be very happy," I answered. "She thanked me for helping to set this up."

Camille smiled and walked over to where some of the other cheerleaders were waiting. I knew better than to eavesdrop, which was unnecessary anyway due to Camille's assurances that Sherry would be on the team.

I walked out to the parking lot and found Sherry. She was sitting on a bench with a good view of Camille's car. I approached the bench and asked, "Mind if I sit down?"

"Don't mind at all. Cammy is giving me a ride home."

"She told me. I'm going home with her, also."

"Oh. I thought you'd be going with..." Sherry cut herself off.

"Kristen already left," I said, avoiding the subject. "I'm riding with Camille today, also."

Sherry nodded.

"So, how did it go?" I asked, knowing already what Camille had told me.

"Well," Sherry said. "When I got there, they warned me that generally speaking, sophomores usually go into junior varsity cheerleaders, but they are a joke. They're usually just the girlfriends of the jocks playing junior varsity football. I was the only sophomore at the auditions today."

I nodded, but was ignorant of the specifics of the sporting program at the school.

"Anyway, during the last couple of years, the varsity cheerleaders decided to hold real auditions for the team, and they opened it up to all high school students. The routine is more difficult, apparently, and they teach it to us once, and have us do it repeatedly for about forty-five minutes. Then they requested us each to do some more advanced moves, like flips, such as the ones we do on the floor exercises in gymnastics. A lot of girls had difficulty with that."

"So, how do you find out if you make it?"

"They tally points. You get two points if a current cheerleader sponsors you. You get up to five points for the routine, and three points for the more difficult stuff. Ten points and you're on. They need to fill four spots, so it will really be the top four marks."

"Only two points to be sponsored by Camille?" I asked.

"Yeah. I think it's to prevent the team from just being popular students."

I nodded. That mirrored what Camille had said the previous week.

"Think you'll make it?"

"If I do, it will be a coup. The last sophomore to make it was Camille."

I hadn't known that. "That might explain why she took an interest in you."

Sherry smiled. "I think it's also because she's your friend, Jim."

I blushed, but didn't answer.

Camille drove Sherry to her house, and we waved as she got in her front door.

As she pulled out, Camille did not head for my house. Instead, she pulled into Lake Shore Point. There was still sunlight, so the parking lot wasn't very crowded.

Camille parked the car and then turned to me. "All right, out with it. What's up between you and Kristen?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Kristen and you have both been moody all week. Patty tried talking to both of you and you have both stonewalled her. I am keeping you here until you tell me."

Camille had a serious look in her eyes. I knew that Camille was a very strong willed person, maybe not as stubborn as Kristen was, but I knew better than to trifle with her.

I sighed. "I think the two of us had an argument on Sunday."

"You think? You don't know?"

"I thought we worked it out. She seemed normal afterward, and she was even cheerful at the flea market later. Suddenly, Monday morning at school she was moody and she hasn't said more than a couple words to me until this afternoon."

Camille noticed that. "What happened this afternoon?"

"Kristen disrupted rehearsal. I told her to either grow up or stop attending. She took off after that."

"Jim, you need to talk. You'll need to give me more than three short sentences. How did Kris disrupt rehearsal?"

"Do you know Amy Grant?"

"Transfer student from Wichita, Kansas, right?"

I was amazed. Camille seemed to know everybody in school. "Yeah, her."

"Amy is as shy as a kid caught stealing candy. What about her?"

"Kristen and Amy seem to be close friends. They talk to one another a lot during rehearsals."

"Even today?"

"Even today."

"Let me guess. You got angry that Kris is talking to Amy and not to you. You accused her of disrupting rehearsal, even though she's been doing that for a few weeks. Did you also threaten to not let Kris go to any more rehearsals?"

I didn't answer, but I guess my mouth open in shock answered for me.

"I see. I would have told you to go screw yourself. You fucked up big time, Jim."

My heart sank. "Cammy, I really love her!"

Camille nodded. "Let's see. Last Sunday, the argument was about sex, right?"

I didn't answer. I was in shock. Camille was a fucking mind reader.

It was silent in the car for a while. Finally, Camille said, "Yup. You screwed up royally. Let me make some predictions. Kristen won't talk with you any more. She won't take your phone calls, and she certainly won't let you near her house. You're up Shit Creek without a paddle."

"But I didn't do anything!" I protested.

"That's right. You didn't do anything. You just told me you love her. When was the last time you told her that?"

Huh? "I don't remember."

"Did you tell her since your argument?"

"I may have," I said, trying to think. "I'm not sure. I definitely told her before the argument--Saturday night." I said this automatically, figuring that Camille would have read my mind anyway.

"Jim, Jim, Jim," Camille said, shaking her head. "Where did you learn about girls?"

"I guess it was that day when I was with you, Patty, and Wendy."

"Kneely Park? That was your introduction to girls?"

"Well, that day, anyway."

"Fuck, Jim!" Camille said, totally surprised. "I thought you've been dating girls before! You seemed quite sure of yourself that night."

"Kristen's my first girlfriend."

"That is puppy love, like Sherry and you. Are you Kristen's first as well?"

"Sort of."

Camille looked at me, but got no more information from me about Kristen's first. She had been around when Kristen had described her first time with a boy--her brother Will--and I think Camille realized that. She turned the key in her ignition. "Fuck, Jim. This is out of my league. Let's think about this overnight. Either I or Patty will pick you up tomorrow morning."

Camille didn't say anything else until we got in front of my house. "Jim, I wish you good luck, but this has probably been fucked up for a while."

"What do you mean?"

"You are both venturing into uncharted waters. Neither of you have any idea what direction you are going, or where you intend to go."

"I want to marry Kristen. She wants to marry me." It wasn't until I blurted that out to Camille that I had realized that I had truly felt that way.

Camille stared at me. "I'll give you this. You both definitely love one another. You just have this big mountain between you that you have to climb. If she didn't hate you on Monday, she does now after your little tiff after practice."

I slept fitfully that night.

Camille's words really bothered me. Did Kristen really hate me? I hadn't felt this low about Kristen since I found out what the tickets had done to her. I had thought that we were doing so great. I was really learning about her on Saturday. Didn't she say she wanted me to meet her brother?

What had changed? Whatever it was, Camille seemed to think it might have been doomed from the start. So why had it felt so fucking right?

The way that Cammy had figured out everything indicated to me that I had done something classically wrong. I hadn't told Kristen I loved her. I got jealous over her helping Amy. Kristen was moody about something, but Camille pointed out that I was moody as well. I accepted the fact that I may have been acting moody, but it was because Kristen was in a bad mood. It wasn't just me, was it?

I had another sex dream that night. I felt Kristen nuzzling me, taking my dick in her mouth and sucking quietly. I woke up, swearing that the sensation was real, but it was apparently just my overworked imagination.

The words to an Elton John song came into my mind: "Love lies bleeding in my hands." That was how I felt. My heart was not only broken, but it felt like I was bleeding inside. How could I have been so stupid as to let Kristen get so angry as to hate me?

I got out of bed, and turned on my desk lamp. I got out the first piece of paper that I could find, which was music manuscript paper. I turned it over and wrote on the back:

Dear Kristen,

I'm a complete asshole. I'm sorry.

I love you. Please forgive me.

J.

It was a simple statement and said exactly what I felt. This was probably all my fault, and the only way I could see my way out of it would be to beg Kristen's forgiveness. I also said that I loved her; Camille was right in that I hadn't said that to her in a while.

Of course, I'd never get up the nerve to hand the note to her, even if Kristen would have anything to do with me. Regardless, this was about as much as I could do at this time and place. I folded up the note and put it into my attach case.

Camille picked me up in the morning, and she wasn't too optimistic about my chances.

"I've decided to tell her that I'm sorry, that I'm an asshole, and that I love her," I told Camille.

Camille glanced at me impressed, and then said, "She's going to avoid you. Patty told me to remind you that she's a little scared of you."

That was Patty's way of reminding me that Kristen knew about my tickets. Even though I did not intend to use them like that, Kristen might feel threatened that I might.

I sighed. "I'll remember that, Cammy. Thanks."

The two of us didn't say much more on the drive into school. I noticed Kristen's car parked in her usual spot, but my girlfriend was nowhere around.

I thanked Camille for the ride, and walked into the school.

Sherry was bubbling over during first period. She was feeling very happy with herself. "I'm in!" she said, excitedly.

"I thought they wouldn't let you know until Monday," I said, remembering what Camille had told me.

"There's a game on Saturday, and they want me there. I got a perfect ten!"

"That's wonderful, Sherry!" Despite the awful way I felt about my argument with Kristen, I knew that I should be happy for Sherry. At least life was going well for somebody in this world and Sherry was indeed a nice person.

"I just wanted to thank you again!" Sherry said.

I nodded and sighed. I forced a smile and said, "Congratulations, Sherry. It couldn't happen to a nicer person."

I took my seat, leaving a partially confused Sherry behind me.