First off, you want a fairly substantial candy cane. If it’s too small it might break off mid-masturbation. Okay, maybe first off you have to be horny, or anyway it helps, but then again you need to have the proper candy cane, so I guess I’m back to first off you want a fairly substantial candy cane. It doesn’t have to be as big as a cock. But probably at least six inches long not including the curved part, which I’ll call the hook, and about half an inch thick.

I usually do it lying down, but sitting or reclining should work. You can start out holding the candy cane at either end, and you just touch yourself, almost as if it was an extension of your fingers. As you become more aroused, you move the shaft between your lips, sliding it back and forth and a little side to side. The idea is partly to get the candy cane wet with your juices.

The next step is to hold the end opposite the hook and gradually insert the hook into your cunt. I guess I should have said vagina, but I prefer cunt, so please forgive me. Once the hook is in, you move it just a tiny bit while at the same time clenching yourself. I think that’s one advantage of being in a lying down position. It’s not unusual for me to come while performing this step.

The final step, once the hook part is sufficiently wetted with your cunt juice, is to slide it down until it the tip of the hook touches your anus. The shaft should press between your pussy lips, and as your work the candy cane up and down, try to get the hook to penetrate your asshole. Invariably I get a really powerful orgasm once that happens.

And that’s about it. Any questions?

Oh, and I don’t really recommend eating the candy cane at that point.