CENTRAL PARK FRATERNAL AND SORORAL CONCEPTION ASSOCIATION

Holly Rennick, President, Central Park Fraternal and Sororal Conception Association’s annual meeting.

“Hello! Hello! Hello? Is this thing on? Oh, I see. Hello friends and fellow CPFSCA members.” [Diminishing chatter in the first rows.]

“I’m delighted for such a turnout. Probably some folks find it odd that we’d have our meeting at 9:00 on a Friday night. But as we know, a lovely lustful summer evening awaits us! Just remember that tourists are watching from the Empire State Building. Our park’s free, but as their view costs $11.00, give them their money’s worth.” [A few titters.]

“But before we disperse to our Funfest, though, I’d just like to share a few words.” [Resumption of light chatter.]

“We couldn’t be doing this without our sister organization, the Central Park Conservancy. It took them three years to remove the graffiti. So if you see some kid with a spray can, tell him about the Park Department’s recreational programs, open to all. He’ll help take care of the place then.” [“Or we’ll waste him,” from a wag in the back, to disapproving looks from some of the better-dressed ladies.]

“And let’s not forget to pick up after ourselves. No Coney Island white fish for the crows to pinch.” [A pause for mirth, or perhaps more accurately, a pause for the hope of reaction.]

“And this year we’re more than honored to have with us Mohammad Kenyatta, representative from His Honor, the Mayor. His Honor is rocking at Gracie Mansion, but we all know he’d rather be rolling with here us.” [So why doesn’t he pick up some garbage, too,” from a fellow with his hat on backward.]

“And let’s give a hand to Lt. Randy Escoveda, Central Park Precinct. Stand up, Lieutenant. [Polite clapping.]

“In four years we’ve seen sexual assaults drop from 11 to 1, robberies from 204 to 89, and assaults from 37 to 30. Let’s give another hand for the men and women in blue!” [Appreciative compliance.]

“But stay on your feet a minute, Lieutenant. What say you be a little less vigilant about, ‘No person shall, in a public place, engage in any act of lewdness, including but not limited to sexual intercourse, fellatio, cunnilingus or masturbation.’ Why, none of us would be here if you caught everybody!” [Laughter, including that of the Lieutenant.]

“Just kidding, sir. We truly appreciate how NYPD is making Central Park safe, especially above 72nd.

“And a very special welcome to this year’s ‘Twice Qualified’ inductees! As the certificate says, ‘Both having been conceived and having conceived in Central Park.’ Let’s give these special folks a big hand.” [Duly directed to several in the reserved seating.]

“And don’t we love the weekends! No cars! Just find a quiet place (And we all have our favorites, right, folks?), do it the way the Pope says and start shopping for a baby buggy.” [Good natured reaction, no clerical collars nor habits in attendance.]

“Speaking of weekends, how many of you have been visited by a Frisbee, right at the big moment? And had the kid pop his head over the shrubbery, looking for it?” [A few laughs. A few mutters.]

“Our park’s visited by more than 24,000,000 people each year. That’s 12,000,000 men and 12,000,000 women. If five percent of the pretty little missies end up with grass stains on the back of their blouses and their odds are about a half percent (that’s for you fertile young things), that’s 60,000 babies! Boy, we’re going to need the whole North Meadow to meet!” [Shuffling of chairs, audience beginning to ignore its leader’s address.]