Chapter 8: The Retreat - Friday

Finally it was the Friday afternoon of the retreat, and like others, we gathered at the high school after school was out. We boarded two school buses to ride a few miles north to a desert resort north of town.

There was an orientation for the girls, an orientation for the parent chaperones. I sat next to Linda and traded smiles. It was all normal, the rules and things pretty standard. It wasn't until right after that, that I learned the distinction between an overnight chaperone and the rest of the chaperones.

Nancy asked me if Linda and I would stay after the main orientation, so we did. Then the three of us walked down a hall, into a small conference room. There was an older woman sitting at one of the tables, leafing through some papers. She got up when we entered.

"Laura, this is Marybeth Miller, Marybeth, Laura Alban Hunt," Nancy said, introducing us.

I shook her hand. Marybeth was tanned dark, she was on the short, muscular end of the spectrum. My first thought was that she was a coach too, someone who'd been at it for a lot longer than Nancy. Marybeth had dark blonde hair and blue eyes; she was maybe ten years older than me. She was wearing black jeans, a black, pearl-buttoned blouse, and she was wearing an inordinate amount of turquoise jewelry on her wrists and around her neck.

With that, Nancy stepped close to Marybeth and kissed her in a full open mouth, a lot of tongue action kiss. "Tongue sister," she murmured when they broke.

"Tongue sister," Marybeth agreed.

Nancy then kissed Linda, and they exchanged the same words. Then it was my turn, and when she said, "Tongue sister." I replied in kind.

Then Linda kissed me the same way, and we exchanged greetings. Then it was Marybeth's turn. She kissed as hotly as Nancy or Linda, but afterwards she met my eye. "Tongue half sister."

I knew I had a curious expression on my face. Marybeth still had her arms around my shoulders. She moved a bit further back; the back of her hand brushed the front of my slacks. "Full sisters before the weekend is over, I promise!" I blushed and she chuckled.

It wasn't until I saw Linda looking at me that I realized the distinction Marybeth had made with me and what that meant. And that Linda and I had never been together, we had never even kissed. Linda didn't say anything, just stood looking at me. Plenty of time to talk later, I thought.

"Our responsibilities are simple, Laura," Nancy said after a minute.

"Along about ten tonight, the rest of the parents will have left."

She walked over to a white board, did a quick sketch of a 'T', only the top strokes were as wide as the long one. "Three corridors of rooms. The long single down stroke, those are the regular cheerleaders. Who sleeps with whom, is not a problem and is none of our business. Although it is theoretically possible that someone might try to sneak a boyfriend in -- that hasn't happened for years and years. No men are allowed on the floor, period. If you find one, boot him." I nodded.

"The right side corridor; that's to make it easy. Those are girls like your and Linda's daughters. Girls we are pretty sure of. What's left? Girls, girls, girls. Unknown quantities.

"The rules vary for each group. Lights are nominally out at ten thirty tonight, eleven tomorrow evening. Sunday is checkout. Seven in the morning is wake up for breakfast. Eight hours, more or less. We'll each take two hours, starting on the odd hours. For those two hours we pace up and down the hall.

"The regular cheer girls, unless they are loud, rude or otherwise making a fuss, are on their own recognizance, except of course, for guys. Also, no cigarettes, alcohol or drugs. If you find any of those, call me at once. It's not likely, but every now and then someone does something terminally stupid.

"So, unless they start getting frisky outside their rooms, they can move around at will, but not loiter in the hall. Little or no talking in the hall, either.

"The other groups... they are not allowed to wander the halls at all. The right stuff girls, were allowed to pick who they room with, and, before lights out, may change rooms. The left girls can't, unless I say they can. If they ask you, tell them that only I can make the change; don't tell them yes, no matter how much they beg or plead."

I nodded; it seemed very straightforward.

"When you are not walking the halls, where you are is up to you. Any of the regular squad, who meets your fancy. If a right girl comes on to you, that's okay too. It's better if you are in their room, as it makes for a more logical explanation."

Nancy looked at me. "Last year I warned Linda about Jackie; Jackie says I don't have to bother warning you, Laura."

"We've talked," I said mildly.

Nancy nodded. "I have to say I'm impressed. In the space of an hour you pulled Carolyn out of her shell and got her smooching in the hall, and got Jackie to say a kind word about one of us."

I met her eye; I considered saying that maybe if she had a kind word for Jackie that maybe that's what she'd get back. Decided that it was better to keep my mouth shut, at least here and now.

"You've all got the schedule, where you are supposed to be this evening, tomorrow and Sunday. Let's go have some fun, ladies! And let's make sure that our girls have a good time too! And that's all of them, left, right or center!"

I looked at my schedule and was surprised I had the very early morning shift, five to seven, on both nights. Odds were, I thought, that everyone would be exhausted and asleep; I got up that early most days anyway. It wasn't going to be a stretch, I thought.

There was a reason, I learned, why the 'cheerleaders retreat' was scheduled the way it was; the following Monday was a teacher in-service day. The girls had no school, and Nancy had a short day.

At six, there was a dinner, where this year's cheerleaders sat at the head table. Nancy gave a short, positive, promotional speech, then one by one the cheerleaders got up and talked about what cheer meant to them.

It was particularly motivating, I thought. It meant a lot for these girls. Once again I remembered why I'd never done it, and for the millionth time in my life, cursed myself back then.

There were sixteen girls, five of them seniors. Gail was one of the first speakers, and she talked about a lot of the usual things before she branched off. "I've learned to be self-confident. I've learned how to deal with other people, even those I'm not that good of friends with; maybe we're not all friends, but we're all on the some team. That counts for a lot. We work hard together and that's what it's all about.

"I've learned how to deal with mistakes I make; how to deal with mistakes others make. It's too easy to minimize the former and maximize the latter; it's one of the things I'm proud of the most: I've found a balance. I've learned how to lose gracefully and win without smirking... too much." Everyone laughed. "I have, in short, learned how to be on the team."

There was more than the usual polite applause.

Later it was Jackie's turn. "When I was little, my sister was always there, ahead of me. She was athletic and I was not. She was a good student and I wasn't. She wanted to be a cheerleader and I decided that it was stupid jumping up and down and shouting yourself hoarse.

"I was in junior high when my dad took me to a Cardinal's game. I'd seen football games on TV, and I have to admit that even now I'm not sure I want to be in a stadium with a hundred thousand screaming fans again.

"But, I mean, how can you sit in your chair unmoved, with people jumping up and down, shouting and screaming all around you? Toward the end of the game, the score was tied and Arizona had the ball... that was when the cheerleaders really started working on the crowd.

"It's cosmic, let me tell you. Cosmic. My dad turned to me and said, 'They're rabble rousers, but they are our rabble rousers!' And he was screaming along with everyone else. Me too."

"Later I thought about it. Phoenix won the game; it was pretty clear the cheering and screaming had made the difference.

"I learned that night, that I wasn't as smart as I thought I was." She laughed, obviously at herself. "Once you learn that, why all sorts of things happen. Like I found I was more athletic than I thought. That Coach Howland didn't care at all about what my sister did in cheer, she wanted to see what I could do. I learned a lot from my teammates; not the least what it means to be a team. I had a 2.2 GPA in junior high. At Scottsdale I've been on the honor roll every semester I've been in high school, my GPA is 3.75.

"The most important thing I've learned, since realizing how little I knew? How important each of us is. Each in our own way." She nodded to Nancy. "Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Coach."

The last speech was interesting in several different ways. The girl was introduced as Amy Becker; she couldn't stand behind the podium, because she was perhaps 4' 10" tall, and it would have obscured her completely. Instead, she reached up, tugged the microphone down to her level, standing next to it.

For a moment she looked out over the audience. She had platinum blonde hair, done up in lovely braids, plus two thin French braids down each side of her face. Her eyes were as blue as her hair was blonde; she had the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen.

I watched her eyes and then smiled myself. Some are going to think she's nervous, trying to psyche herself up. What she really is, is the queen of all she surveys, waiting for the right moment to start. I thought that, then felt that sharp pang I'd been experiencing since the night with Gail. Even more acute than usual.

"I was born small," Amy said without a hint she was about to speak. "I've been small ever since."

She pointed a finger at Nancy. "That woman saw me, and didn't think small." She waved around to her fellow cheerleaders. "They saw me... and they didn't think small."

Her eyes roamed the room. "For the first time in my life, people were treating me like a person, like a young adult, not a small girl.

"I don't have a lot of words, but I don't think small. Inside, I'm ten feet tall and when I stand with my cheerleader sisters, I am ten feet tall."

That was it; she walked back to her seat and sat down. I was disappointed that there wasn't more applause; I thought her speech was easily the best. Even without the tingle between my legs.

Nancy got up and said a few more words, mostly kind words for the school and the principal for supporting the team, some local businesses that helped out, then the parent volunteers who helped with everything, including this evening.

I sat in my chair for a bit, after things started to break up. Nancy walked by and I motioned to her.

"I told you about my own history with cheerleading." She nodded.

"It's easy to look back and say, oh well, twenty-twenty hindsight," I went on. "I have a favor to ask; really two favors."

She smiled. "Ask away, Laura, I don't know if I can do them, but I'll surely try."

"I want to help you in any way I can. We can talk about that later, but I was thinking there is one place in particular I'd like to work.

"I want to work with the tryouts. I want to work with the shy, clueless girls like myself, who for whatever reason, haven't come into their own yet. Girls too embarrassed to try a leg lift, knowing they won't be as good as someone who'd been practicing a decade or so."

"You mean the ones who don't make the squad?" her voice was neutral.

"Those. I heard someone use the word 'scrub' the other day at the party at my house. Those girls."

"You realize that some girls, no matter how much good will and effort you put into it, just don't make the cut?"

"I'm not a 'save the world' sort of person, Nancy. I would be content to help just one girl avoid looking back twenty years later and wishing she would have been smart enough to do the damn leg lift and the hell with the consequences."

"Language, Laura." She smiled. "We are ladies, after all.

"I'll think about it. There's a reason why vets put down animals that are very sick or badly lamed. You can prolong their agony, but you aren't able to affect the final outcome. You just prolong their suffering."

"The problem with that is that we're people," I told her. "We shouldn't give up nearly as easily when it's one of us." Nancy nodded, and moved off to speak to some people.

Some other parents came up, bright and smiling with a thirteen year old daughter who reminded me of myself; wanting something very much, not sure if she was good enough. I was curious so I walked closer to listen in.

Nancy gave a fair account of the physical requirements, with the girl's parents nodding.

Nancy went on; I listened for a bit, going from nodding agreement to disbelief and then shock, all in a few seconds. I tried not to have any expression; instead I smiled at them then turned and walked away, straight outside until I was by a small lake.

A gaggle of ducks swam by a few yards offshore; ducks in Arizona? Who would have thought!

Maybe, I thought, I should reconsider this. Nancy had finished describing the requirements to the girl's parents, then had gone on to the some of the activities the cheerleaders did, over and above jumping up and down, inciting crowds at games.

What had Jackie said? She was the token straight? And Nancy? She had told me I could have my pick of any member of the squad. That meant, a prerequisite for being a cheerleader was being gay and being willing to sleep with people like Nancy, like Linda. Above all, like me.

If I'd have been drunk, I would have been instantly sober at that moment. It was an effort not to throw up.

Each of the four adults had our own room; I was tempted to run up to mine, lock the door and not come out until my assigned times.

Something Roger had said, the first time I'd heard it anywhere. I'd heard it a lot of times since. "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem." That was me; the problem.

I went back inside, putting my blandest face on my sleeve. I spent a bit talking to Susan, a bit talking to Gail, a bit talking to Linda. I tried to put away the sick feeling I had inside me; I managed to be polite and function, but it stayed in my midsection, like an insoluble lump.

Things finally started to break up, parents were leaving, girls were sorting themselves out, who was going to be in which room.

Nancy got on the room microphone, reminded everyone of the rules one last time, pointed out Linda, Marybeth and myself as the chaperones. "If you have any problems with anything, see one of the four of us, we'll see it gets taken care of, okay?"

Then they were heading for their rooms, only a few standing and waiting for the elevators, most went up the stairs. It was ten thirty, and I knew Nancy had the first shift.

It didn't take long for everyone to get in their rooms; all four of us were there, talking and answering questions; finally Nancy began to chivvy the girls into their rooms, and they went.

Right at the last minute, I went into the cheerleader's corridor, looking for Jackie, found her talking to one of the other cheerleaders in their room. "Are you going to be here in a bit?" I saw her roommate look at me and shake her head, slightly aghast.

Jackie saw it and grinned. "You want to talk right?"

"Yes."

"Cool. I'd like that. How's Sherrie doing?"

"She seems happy enough."

"Thanks for letting her sleep at your place."

I knew Jackie was putting her roommate on; I wasn't sure why. What the heck, why not? "She's a sweet girl, Jackie. I like her. Ann's nice too. I'll be back in a bit, when we've got the others settled down."

I made a mental note of the room number and went and finished up with the last of the bedding down. I saw Linda talking to Susan, Marybeth was talking to one of the regular cheerleaders; it wasn't hard to figure out who was going to go where.

I contemplated my daughter, without actually looking at her. Was this Susan's genuine choice? I had to say it was. Jamie's too; Gail's as well. I wondered what would happen if I asked Sherrie the same question I was about to ask Jackie for the second time?

I walked down the corridor, saw Marybeth go into one of the rooms. I knocked on Jackie's door and went in.

She was alone, now. "Funny, every year I've asked Nancy for a room of my own; she keeps assigning me a roommate. Then either I have to find an empty room, or my roommate leaves... once I got to listen, even if I didn't watch." She nodded at the bathroom. "I went in the bathroom, put on my earphones and read until I was so tired I could barely stay awake."

"I want to ask you the question I asked you the other day at my house. This time," I told her, "I'd appreciate the truth. What do you really think about all this?"

She looked at me, "Figure that out all by yourself, or did Sherrie maybe say something?"

"I was thinking I was going to go home Sunday and ask her this too. But no, I haven't talked to her."

"I'm here on sufferance," Jackie told me straight out. "For Sherrie, it wasn't exactly sufferance, but let's just say there was pressure for her to 'broaden her horizons.'" She was silent for a bit. "Then Ann decided she didn't want to go out for the team as a senior, and the pressure got really severe. Fortunately, there was another girl in the same boat, and she and Sherrie spent time together crying on each other's shoulders."

"You are the only straight on the squad?" I asked Jackie, and she nodded.

"There are a couple of them who don't care where they get their jollies, but yeah, usually straights need not apply."

"I can't believe no one's noticed."

Jackie just shrugged. "It's a kind of incest, Laura. They almost never go outside the group, unless it's someone like your daughter or Linda's who are all but guaranteed a free pass once they get old enough. There are a couple of parties every year for the wannabes, they get ah, filtered, there. You know how that works, you've been there."

Yes indeed, I'd been there.

"What does Nancy tell someone who's qualified and straight?"

"This weekend is a tryout; they put all the girls together, to see what happens. Some of them will get an invitation to join the team when school starts in the fall. There will be regular tryouts then too, where anyone can try.

"Here, straight girls don't get invitations to join the team; no explanation given. In the fall, they are told sorry, all the spots are filled. You do have to be at least minimally competent to make the team; although there was a girl when I was a freshman that Marybeth really liked." Jackie grimaced. "They made her the squad manager. Since then, they keep the job open just for that."