Chapter 25: The First Justice Court

I'd heard quiet sounds from the main part of the house. I got up and stretched, deciding I needed time to think.

Peggy. What do you say about a woman like that? Not that I was much different. A woman from the pioneer days, practically. Born on a kitchen table, during a storm!

I went to the badly named Microsoft Start menu and ended the session, then went in search of the others.

Marybeth and Nancy were talking to a girl who looked sixteen or so that I didn't recognize, and another girl who was a little older and who I did recognize: the last time I'd seen her, Nancy had been sitting on her face during the cheerleader retreat.

Denise was sitting on a couch watching the talkers and Jackie Licht sat next to her, thumbing through a magazine.

Marybeth looked at me. "You shut everything off?"

"Yes."

"We'll talk about it later, spend a little more time thinking about it for now."

Marybeth gestured at the girl I didn't know. "This is Regina Wannamaker, one of the cheerleaders. She wasn't at the retreat."

I smiled at her. Regina was a carrot-top redhead, freckle-faced and thin. She looked at me, curious about me, I thought.

Nancy chimed in, "And this is Shirley Grant, I'm not sure if you remember her."

"Jackie's roommate at the retreat," I said neutrally.

"And a very dear friend of mine," Nancy added.

I said hello to the two girls, curious myself about what was going on.

Nancy nodded at Jackie. "And Jackie Licht, you know of course."

I smiled at Jackie and nodded. She grinned back at me, but when she glanced at the others, her smile faded.

Nancy turned to Shirley. "Laura Alban Hunt, whose daughter will be on the squad next year and who's offered to do a few things for us this year. She's going to be handling discipline issues."

The two girls smiled at me again. "So, Laura's a friend of yours and Marybeth?" they asked.

"Yes, and Linda Kellogg too," Nancy added.

"And all of that brings me to the reason you are here now."

"You said we were going to have an enjoyable weekend," Regina said with a laugh.

"That too, but first we are going to have the first sitting of something new. The Justice Court."

The two looked at her, then at me.

Regina said warily, "That doesn't sound like much fun."

"Jackie, would you repeat to me what you told me last night?" Nancy asked.

Jackie put the magazine aside and stood up. "Wednesday, they were talking to Celia Wentworth about me. They didn't know I was there. Celia asked Reggie why I was trying to join the Gay and Lesbian Alliance; she said she thought there was a rule that cheerleaders couldn't join.

"Shirley agreed, saying that even though we were all gay, cheerleaders didn't join groups like Celia's because they didn't want to hurt the cheerleader image. Reggie told Celia that it didn't matter in my case, because I wasn't gay. That seemed to confuse Celia, and they talked about why I would join. Then Reggie and Shirley said they would talk to me about it."

Jackie lapsed into silence.

Marybeth looked at the two girls. "Is that a fair rendering of the conversation?"

"Yeah," Shirley replied. "I don't see what's the big deal."

"Aside from the fact that you told someone who's not on the squad everyone is gay," Marybeth continued.

"It sounded to me like she was repeating something Celia would already know," Jackie added.

The two girls traded glances. Regina spoke first saying, "Celia is cool, Coach. She heads the Gay and Lesbian Alliance at school. But Jackie shouldn't be trying to join. It's not something we do."

"It's not," Marybeth agreed. "And we're going to talk to her about that in a moment. I'm just a little surprised that we talk about any part of our affairs with an outsider. We have rules about it."

"Celia's cool," Regina repeated. "She's not going to out anyone. She knows how to keep her mouth shut, she understands the issues."

"And would that be because you've talked about the issues with her?" Nancy asked, her voice cold.

Shirley lifted her chin defiantly. "We've always been able to go outside. I've been seeing Celia for six months. She's okay, I promise. She doesn't like the cheerleaders because she things we're too stuck-up. I was working to convince her otherwise. So is Reggie." The smirk on her face told me exactly what the three of them did together.

"And the oath you took in front of all your sisters on the team, never to talk about them with an outsider? Where does that stand on your list of rules to live by?" Marybeth asked, her voice controlled.

Shirley stood still, her eyes blazing with anger. "Look, we all know that we can go outside the group. We went outside the group. Celia isn't going to talk about us with anyone."

Nancy turned to Jackie. "And you know we don't join groups like the Alliance and why."

"I never told Celia I wanted to join. I told her I wanted to talk to her and some of the others in the group about some issues I have. That I realized I was at least bisexual if not an out and out lesbian, and I had questions. I do have questions."

"And you didn't feel you could come to me or Laura or Marybeth for help?" Nancy asked.

"No. These are my problems, my hang-ups. I need to deal with them myself."

"And you don't see anything even a little contradictory," Marybeth laughed before going on, "about going to someone else to help with the problems you want to deal with by yourself?"

Jackie looked her in the eye. "I liked being with Laura. I liked being with you. I tried it with one of the girls on the team and it wasn't any good at all. It sucked, actually.

"When Laura made love to me, when Marybeth made love to me, it was all I ever imagined and then some. When I was with..." she stopped, and then started up again. "It was like all she wanted was to get off. That it was sex for sex's sake, there wasn't anything special about it, it felt... dirty."

"And you thought you could talk to an outsider about how you liked it with older women and didn't like it with your peers?" Nancy asked.

Jackie blinked. "Gosh, no! It was general. Why it was good with some people and not so good with others."

"And what did Celia have to say about that?" Nancy asked sarcastically.

"She said sex is like a mirror. You can only get out of it what goes in. People have off days, sometimes. And sometimes girls are no different than boys. That want to get off, they don't much care how. That when you're with someone like that, it sucks. That there's nothing wrong with looking someone in the eye and telling them the truth: it didn't do anything for me. Work it out, she told me. We can talk to each other and work things out, and if not, we're better for knowing sooner, rather than later."

"And why," I interjected myself into the conversation, "does Celia think you want to join?"

"I don't know. She suggested I should come to some of the meetings and listen to what people had to say. She said that people talk about a lot of issues about being gay, and perhaps something someone said would help me. I told her I wasn't ready for that."

Marybeth chuckled at that, Nancy shrugged and shook her head. Jackie looked at me. "What?"

"That might have been what you said, that may have been what you meant, but most people would add the word 'yet' in there. Which changes the meaning entirely. Particularly given the earlier conversation."

Jackie looked at me, then at Marybeth. "I'm sorry, I didn't think."

I nodded, reached out and patted her on the shoulder. "It's okay, Jackie, really. But I'm sure the rules say you should talk things like this over with your teammates or your coach, or one of the other advisors."

She nodded and I went on.

"You didn't go to your teammates because you don't trust them, do you?" I asked.

She looked at the other two girls and nodded.

"And you didn't talk to us because you thought we were biased?"

Again she nodded.

"What should you have done?"

"If I was willing to trust someone outside for advice when I couldn't get it from the team? I don't know. I just don't know."

"When you find yourself blocked like that, and you start feeling desperate," I told her, "you need to start admitting things to yourself. You need to think about things, and make a list of what's bugging you. And when you think of a possible solution, you need to think about the good and the bad things about it. Because, in your heart of hearts, if the advice you got from Celia was something you could use, you would have asked to join, wouldn't you?"

"I suppose. My parents think that cheerleading is the key to getting into a good college. But Sherrie can't afford to go to a good college; I'm not going to be able to afford it either. I was thinking about quitting the team."

It was interesting. Her wanting to quit obviously bothered Marybeth a great deal. Nancy less so and her two teammates not at all.

"Jackie, I have no authority here; I recommend to Nancy and it's her decision. In your shoes, I think I would quit."

Marybeth looked at me for a second, then at Regina and Shirley. Then she realized the truth.

"I've always supported the girls on the team," Marybeth said. "Always. When I was on the team myself and later, after I'd gone on to other things. It's your choice, Jackie. I think you should finish the year; I would understand why if you don't come back next year."

Nancy looked at Marybeth and then at me. "The idea is to keep girls, not advise them to leave."

"To a point," I told her. "So long as it's doing them good. You have rules, I'm sure you've cut girls before who didn't measure up."

"Of course," Nancy said, a little snappish.

"This is the same thing. The team no longer measures up to Jackie's expectations. She's cutting them," I told her.

"And Shirley? Regina?"

"That is something else again. They broke a core rule." I turned to Marybeth. "Have they had exposure to the reading I was just doing?"

"No, it's just verbal history. Very vague."

"Shirley and Regina. Listen to me very carefully," I told them, my voice cold. "I was reading about the history of the people who had a guiding hand in making you what you are today. Back in the day where one of the women involved was sure she faced eternal damnation because she wanted to make love to another woman. And who would have likely faced permanent incarceration had it become known how she felt, much less what she'd done.

"You stand where you do today on the shoulders of giants; people who've gone before you, risking everything so that you can gossip to someone you shouldn't. That wasn't what they had in mind.

"Being gay isn't the stigma it once was. But that isn't all that cheerleaders here do, is it? I remember you, Shirley, from the retreat. Do you know what happens to Coach Howland if you tell someone what goes on during events like that?"

She stared at me coldly; her voice was frigid. "I'm not stupid, of course I know. I would never, ever."

"Well, girl, I'm here to tell you that you are pretty damn stupid. What, is this Celia devoid of all human curiosity? Has she ever asked if Coach Howland knows about what goes on?"

"No, she hasn't. She can connect the dots. She knows the Coach is gay. That she looks the other way. No one, not me, not anyone, would tell her about what else we do."

"Celia knows you visit with Coach often, right? That she's single and doesn't have a significant other?" I pressed.

Shirley blinked. "I don't know. I suppose."

"Tell me, Shirley-who-isn't-stupid, what would you figure goes on with a gay coach who has girls over to her house at all hours of the day and night? A coach with no other visible attachments?"

"Shit!" Reggie said, understanding.

Marybeth looked at me, and put a finger to her lips, asking me to stop talking.

"Look at me," she commanded, and they all did.

"To an objective observer, one who didn't know us, what women like myself, Laura and Nancy do is unconscionable. We make love to teenage girls, half our age. In my case, sometimes a third my age. If it came out, we'd go to jail for the rest of our lives. I personally am willing to accept that, if it comes. I know Nancy is too. We accept it, and keep our lips sealed about anything and everything we know.

"Laura was reading a while ago about a very wonderful woman. The woman who was the spiritual founder of what we do. She noticed that gay girls, gay girls who had sex with understanding older women, did much better than their peers. They got better grades, they won more athletically, they married well, lived well, raised their families well.

"That woman died two years ago. I tell you true, it was the most amazing thing I've ever seen. Over two thousand women went to her funeral. The only man in the room was the pastor who conducted her memorial service. Most of us didn't know each other; we just knew that we all existed. Because of her."

She pointed at Shirley. "And you, you stupid nit! You think you know so much! You think you can break the rules and it doesn't matter. Oh, you get your sex, for sure!" She pointed at Jackie. "Soulless sex, you heard it. I know for certain you know exactly what I mean. Every last one of us has been there. Where we pig out, we overload and overdo. When it becomes habit and not choice, it's just hormones and nothing else."

"What's going to happen to us?" Shirley asked, now pale.

I laughed nastily. "The single worst thing I can think of. You put me at personal risk by your stupidity. To quote the asshole in Karate Kid: 'No Mercy!'"

"You're kicking us off the team?" Shirley's lower lip trembled. It was clear she was running way behind the curve, playing catch up.

"I can't do anything. But I can recommend to Coach Howland what I think should be done with you. Like I said, I want to see you twisting in the wind. I want you to think for the rest of the lives that this was easily the most stupid thing you've ever done."

Shirley looked at Nancy. "I'm sorry, Coach. We didn't think. It was a mistake."

Nancy looked at me; I think she must have realized what I intended. "What, Laura, is your recommendation?"

"Shirley, you're a junior?" I asked and she agreed. "And Regina, you're a sophomore?" She too agreed.

"Next fall, when the tryouts are held, you will watch each of the new girls. Coach will let everyone know who makes the team. You will then pick one scrub each. You will work with that girl, and come the last day before Christmas break, there will be another set of tryouts. Your girls will try out. If they don't make the team, you're off."

Marybeth spoke. "If you think you're getting off easy, you need to think about it. You are going to have to think about why you remain on the team every time you see those girls. Oh, and if you hit on them, I will personally wring your necks!"

"You want to take girls on the team who aren't gay?"

I spoke first. "Yes. We are going to have to work something else out. Once, being gay was enough; no one wanted to be outed. It was a very strong deterrent to breaking faith with your sisters. Now, it's no big deal. Practically meaningless.