Chapter 10: The Retreat - Saturday Evening

There were a lot of conversations up in the rooms; I was pleased to see that the team members weren't totally excluding the lefts, although there were quite of few of the left-corridor girls in their rooms or the rooms of others in the same end of the wing. You can't save them all, I thought. From some of what I'd seen during the morning and afternoon, it was true. Not all of the girls were ready to be on the team. How do you tell if someone is simply unable to learn routines? Or just inexperienced? Girls who might, given a little patience and coaching, be able to learn?

I was more sure than ever. You had to spend a little more time at it than a weekend, and for those girls who needed the patience and coaching, you had to provide more of an opportunity to see what they could do.

Susan had had a three-month fling with soccer back in fifth grade. By then she'd come a long ways in dance, but she just didn't have the speed and long endurance needed for soccer. I'd been happy she tried out, not disappointed that she didn't want to continue. You really need to do something like that, I thought. Take practically all comers; let them come to the realization on their own that it isn't for them.

I grimaced. I follow the news; I was aware that educational funding was a perennial problem. I knew that after 9/11 the economy had headed south, which meant tax revenues were going to take a big hit. I had a sneaking hunch it was going to be a tough row to hoe, if I tried to do this through the school. Maybe I could set up a little place in a strip mall. Like a ballet school, only for cheerleaders. What if there was competition?

I chuckled to myself. So what if there was competition!

I was standing in the hallway, still musing when I saw Jackie coming. "Hi," I called to her.

Jackie smiled. "Marybeth talked to me this afternoon," she said. "Thanks and double thanks. I don't know what you told them, but I appreciate it."

"It wasn't anything."

"I wanted to know if you and Amy would like to come to my room for a while and talk." She looked me right in the eye, it was pretty clear she knew about Amy and me now being "partnered".

"That would be nice. Could I bring another friend?"

"Fred?" Jackie asked. Obviously with the added meaning of was I really sure I wanted to do that, as obviously the conversation topics were not going to be as wide ranging. Not to mention, Fred would have to go to her room before Amy and I went to mine.

"Yes," I said without elaboration. "We'll be by in a minute."

I walked down the hall and was pleased to find Fred in her room with Amy sitting on a chair, talking to her. Fred's roommate wasn't there.

"Want to go spend some time talking with Jackie?" I asked and Amy nodded. "Come along too, if you want, Fred."

"I guess I owe you an apology," Fred said as we walked the corridor.

"You don't owe me anything," I told her.

We went in Jackie's room. "I sure hope everyone likes Coke. I have Coke, Diet Coke and an otherwise empty refrigerator," Jackie said.

She handed out soda to everyone. "You made quite a hit the other day at the party, Laura."

"Oh?" I asked.

"Soda, tea -- and lemonade."

"I noticed you all went through a lot of that. Tea too."

"It's the Mormons," she said. "They aren't supposed to have anything with caffeine or alcohol in it. Some of them fudge and say that tea is okay. You'd be surprised at what it's like at some of the parties. At a Mormon house, there's water, fruit punch or fruit juice. Non-Mormons go for a lot of soda pop."

"I didn't know," I told her. "I just remember when I was your age, I liked having a lot of choices."

"Choice is good," Jackie agreed. She turned to Fred. "So, what do you think of cheer?"

"It's fun."

"Fred is really good," Amy said.

Jackie frowned, and I saw Fred's eyes on her. The problem with Fred is that she is really smart, really observant. And she was really good at connecting the dots. Amy saw it too.

"I saw something the other day," Amy said, holding up three fingers on her right hand, towards Jackie. It looked like the Girl Scout pledge thing, only she was holding her fingers backwards, looking at her own palm.

"Oh?" Jackie said, "And what's that?"

"Read between the lines."

Fred laughed first, then it hit me and I smiled.

"Okay," Jackie said, exasperated at not figuring it out. "Obviously I don't get it."

Amy's two outside fingers started to curl down, and then she dropped her hand without completing the gesture. But close definitely counted with what she'd done.

"Now that, Amy, is good. Really good!" Jackie laughed.

And, I thought, with any luck it would divert Fred from wondering why Jackie had frowned. Ah, but Fred is Fred, what can you say?

"You don't think I'm going to make it, do you?" Fred said, looking at Jackie.

Jackie shrugged. "I hardly have any say in it." Jackie waved at Amy. "You have a cheerleader on your side, that helps a lot. But you're not exactly the outgoing, perky girl the coach likes."

Fred turned to me. "What do you think?"

"I think that no one right now is in or out; that tomorrow, after you've all gone home, Coach will sit down and decide who gets an invitation to the real tryouts in the fall. You don't need an invitation to go to the tryouts. As to who gets invited: Amy has input, I have input; the others on the team have input. Coach Howland decides." I turned to Jackie. "Isn't that right?"

"Sure."

"As far as it goes," Fred said. "Look me in the eye, Laura. What is it I don't have? What do I have to do?"

I sighed. "Fred, do you have a favorite color?"

"Sure."

"Is there one you're less fond of than others?"

"Combinations, mainly," Fred replied. I could see her concentrating, trying to get ahead of me. Good luck, girl! Prepare to get zinged!

"Fred, the girls on the team have things they like, things they don't like. Do you really, really want to know why you're going to have a tough time making the team?"

She nodded her head; it was clear she was close to tears.

"It's not fair, it's not right, but the fact is that most members of the team are gay. And are most comfortable around others like that." Fred's eyes widened in surprise.

"If someone isn't gay, they want to be 100% sure that a prospective team member is comfortable around people like them." I nodded at Jackie. "Jackie here decided to put off life-style choices until some time in the future. She spends her time on school and cheer, but not relationships. But the others know she's cool about their choices, so it's okay. Jackie's sister is two years older and she was in cheer."

Fred looked at me. "Are you gay?"

"I was married for sixteen years, that's how long I was with just one person. Now I'm a widow and a fellow traveler. I'd tell you to read between the lines, except Amy made that a bad joke. And yes, I'm a giant hypocrite; I could just have told you yes, instead of not saying at all."

Fred turned to Jackie. "I'm like you. I have plans, a lot of plans, for the future. I want to go to Cal Tech; I have to have a 4.0 GPA and something big on my resume like cheer, to get in. I'm not going to have time for relationships of any kind. I don't have a problem with people that do; it's just not me, or something I want to do.

"On the other hand, if my parents found out someone was gay, they'd go ballistic. We are Mormon." She swirled her coke. "But I'm not hardcore."

"I've seen you around," Jackie said. "So have some of the other girls, they know who you are. Like six big strikes against you."

"So I'm not going to make it?" Fred said. She was starting to leak tears.

"I'm working on it. I haven't said anything, Fred, because I'm new. I'm doing what I can, but there is a lot of institutional baggage to overcome."

"And your daughter?" Fred asked.

I nodded. "I'll be honest," I told her. "Susan doesn't have plans; and while I have plans for her, they are very general. I want her to go to college and get a degree, in whatever field that moves her. She hasn't decided on any of that yet, but she's still in junior high, there's still plenty of time. I admire you for having a plan, but I don't get exercised that Susan doesn't have one.

"And, being honest, I was pleased when I found out about Susan and it had nothing to do with my own sexual preferences. It has to do with being the mother of a teenaged daughter who is less likely to get pregnant by mistake.

"Jackie told me about someone she knows at another school. Their cheerleaders smoke, drink, do drugs, and have unsafe sex. One has AIDS; some are pregnant before they graduate. Thanks, but no thanks. Not for my daughter. Coach's program has none of those problems."

Fred was crying now, softly, what I'd call weeping. Amy reached out, touched her shoulder. "We'll do what we can, Fred."

Fred twisted away, looked at Amy. "I'm not like that!" It wasn't quite a scream, but it was fairly loud.

"Fred!" She looked at me. "It doesn't matter if you make this team, or some other. What Amy was doing was trying to comfort you. Any team you're on, you're going to get hugged. Because the other is happy, because you are happy, because you won or you lost, because they care about you -- none of it is sexual. Amy isn't really like that either, Fred."

She looked at Amy. "Then how did you get in?"

Amy shrugged. "I let them think I liked it a lot more than I really do. I faked it. Even if it meant being with someone. It's not my favorite thing, Fred. Some of the girls can be really mean when you say no."

"The pushing is going to stop," I told her. "No matter what, the pushing stops."

"Marybeth was really upset," Jackie reported. "I mean, totally. Thanks again, Laura." She got up, came around to me, gave me a hug.

God save me, my nipples got hard when I felt hers go tight. I don't think either one of us was expecting that to happen.

Jackie went and sat back down, laughing. Me, I was blushing.

Fred's eyes widened. "Are you trying to help because you like me? That way?"

I looked at her steadily. "I'm helping you because I respect you; I respect what you are trying to do. I didn't know why you were here, but I was sure you wanted to be in cheer. Well, so I wanted to be a cheerleader when I was your age, too. I messed up my chance. I want to help others not to mess up. Yes, I'm attracted to you. Fred, I don't push, not even a little. If someday you're interested, then we'll see. But otherwise I will never, ever bother you."

"Laura's nice!" Amy said stoutly.

"Laura helps people," Jackie said quietly. "She took in my sister when my parents found out she was gay and gave her the boot. She didn't ask for anything."

"Rent," I corrected.

"Well, that," Jackie look abashed. "But you took her in, that's what was important to me, to her."

"I messed up again, haven't I?" Fred was despondent.

"Fred, you haven't done a thing but come to cheer tryouts and did good," I told her. "Try not to get too far ahead of things. It might well be you won't get an invitation to join the team, but right now you have a shot."

I was surprised when Amy stood up. "Fred, do you want to do what it takes to be on the team?"

"Yes, but not that."

"Come spend the night with me," Amy said simply. "We'll go to my room, close the door and no one will know what happens inside."

"I'm not like that," Fred said, punctuating each word with a pause for emphasis."

"Oh connect the dots, Fred!" I said, a little angry at her obtuseness. "She's going to close the door and lock it. You can sleep on the couch! The two of you can sit up and talk all night about transcendental poetry or functions, whatever you want.

"Fred, I blew my chance at being a cheerleader, just like you're coming close to doing now."

She wiped away a tear. "I hate being stupid. I'm sorry." She looked at Amy. "You'd really do that for me?"

"Really," Amy said firmly. "I mean it, I'm not going to push; I'd never push."

"Push?" Fred asked, curious, as she wiping away more tears.

"Asking again after someone says no," Jackie explained. "If anyone does it, tell Laura or Marybeth. Tell me." She waved at the door. "Now would be a good time for you two to run along."

I checked my watch. It was a little after eleven; Amy wasn't going to open the door and find Nancy inside. What would Fred do if Amy's roommate and friend were there?

The door closed and I shut it out of my mind. Fred had to learn to walk on her own; I was confident that she would if she could.

Jackie had been quiet, then waved at the door. "You spent the night with Amy last night. Tonight she's talking about closing the door and letting people think she and Fred are doing it."

"Amy and I snuggled," I told her.

Jackie raised an eyebrow.

"Kissed a little, nothing more. Talked a lot. But nothing more," I explained further.

Jackie nodded. "What you just did, that was really nice. I like Fred; she's got guts, spirit. Not a bad thing to have on the team. Spending the night with Amy; that's going to do the trick."

"And if Amy's roommate is there, and, ah, occupied, another good thing," I told her.

"Michelle? She's in tight with the Coach and Gail. Yeah, if she can be cool about that, she can deal with anything."

"Well, I'm counting on Nancy not being there now." I crossed my fingers.

"There's that," Jackie said with a laugh. For a second she looked at me. "Just now, when I hugged you..."

"Two weeks ago, it wouldn't have happened. What a difference a few days make! I'm sorry; my body thinks I'm a teenager again. I'm really am sorry."

Jackie shook her head. "Mine went off first.

"With the others, it's been all hormones. Please, please, please. Try it, you'll like it. Most of them aren't like Sherrie and Ann at all; they're like little kids in a pie factory, trying to see how much they can eat before they have to leave.

"You're different, Laura. You think; you care about us. You don't mind breaking the rules, so long as no one gets hurt and the result is better than you could have gotten otherwise."

"I try," I told her.

Jackie got up, and for a second I was nervous, but she sat down on the couch. Then I got nervous again, because she patted the couch next to her. "Please, Laura, come sit with me."

"Is it just sitting you want?" I asked her.

She shrugged. "I'm a woman, I get to change my mind. I'm a teenager, I get to agonize over decisions that in a few years, I know won't be that big a deal.

"You said last night you and Amy just kissed. Snuggled and kissed. Please Laura, come and just kiss me."

I moved woodenly, not sure if I was making a mistake or not. I sat down next to Jackie and she smiled at me and took my hands. Not the brightness of Amy's smile, but nice. Really nice.

"I don't honestly know what I want right now," Jackie whispered. Her eyes went to my breasts. "I know that I got you excited; that you got me excited. I think that means you care about me. Me, Jackie Licht. It is, I'm finding, a lot bigger turn on than I would have thought to know someone is attracted to me, instead of just wanting me because she'd be my first."

She leaned close, I leaned close and we kissed. It was very much like Amy last night, I thought. Just a kiss.