Chapter 8

The Diary Of Chrissie Benmore

Day 1

Dear Diary,

It's Sunday evening and Justin has been such a peach. My diary is still at mum's so he gave me a new one. It's leather-bound with a gold leaf depiction of his step-father's country club. It's not hard to guess where he got it!

Angela rushed over to see me this morning. She ran up the stairs and gave me a big hug. We then had this long chat until lunch. Justin didn't know what to do with himself, the poor fool. The conceit probably thought we were talking about him the whole time! Later on, she went out and bought me some new clothes with Justin's bank card. There was lots of neat stuff, Angela said my dress sense needed improving. I think she's right!

By now everybody know's my 'secret.' It's the cost of living in a small town. At least half a dozen of Angela's acquaintances were in the crowd outside the Rialto. I mean, the girl just knows everybody! In a way, I'm glad everyone knows. It feels like this burden has been lifted and Angela and Justin have been so good to me.

Frances came over to see me after lunch. She's always been a good friend of the family. Most people don't know, but she's actually mum's sister-in-law. Dad and she hadn't got along for years. She brought me some flowers like I was sick in hospital, it was so funny. I think she felt awkward, after all she's dad's sister!

Anyway, she told me that mum's okay, albeit with a massive hangover. She said it serves her right. She apologised for bringing her into town. She said she didn't realise what was going to happen. Poor lady, I think she was just trying to do the right thing. They say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, don't they? She suggested I stay here for a few days, if that's okay. She said the atmosphere at mum's was 'toxic'. She's full of the psycho-jargon is Frances!

It's good to have Angela around, I've so missed her. She looks all summery in her crop-tops and tight, short shorts. She's such the summer princess, whereas I'm the winter queen. She loves the sun and the beach and the lotioned posers. She flounces and bounces around the place and she knows she's gorgeous, loves teasing the guys. Her personal statement would be, 'eat your heart out sucker!' She knows what she wants and she wants Justin, it's plain to see!

Justin has grown up in the last 24 hours. It's like he's burst from his shell and suddenly become honest with himself. Yesterday he couldn't make up his mind about lunch, let alone who to date. But now he's suddenly taken charge of the whole situation.

He went to the library this morning leaving us girls to ourselves. He came back with a pile of books called, among others, 'The Incest Survivor's Handbook.'

I so hate that term 'survivor.' I mean, what is a non-survivor? Someone who commits suicide I suppose. But then, somebody that depressed must have more than one reason to do themselves harm, must they? It never entered my mind to do that to myself. Where there's life there's hope and for me there was Justin too. He's been my rock and continues to be so.

Angela has his love and his body. I can see it, feel it whenever they are together in one place. The air crackles with electricity when they stand close, as they always do. I know I have his love too, but in a different way. Be it the brother/sister we never had, or just childhood friends who grew together in understanding, he cares for me in a way I've never experienced before.

He and I are too similar, in that we lived our lives inside of our heads. We were unable too, in our separate ways, to divide love and sex. For us they meant the same thing. I retreated into myself to avoid the consequences that, for me, love brought me. My dad was unable to express his love for us in any other way except by sex. Fucking was the only way he could connect with another human being. Justin needed to read up about it, I knew from experience.

After lunch he and I talked while Angela hit the mall with his bank account. He confessed to me that he loved Angela and wanted to be with her. He said he never meant to hurt me, anybody actually. He couldn't face telling me the truth, indeed, couldn't face the truth that was obvious to everyone except him and me.

Clutching at my strawman, I wouldn't let him go. I manipulated him to where I wanted him to be, not where he wanted to be. That was my need, not his.

I know I'm not 'fixed' or 'cured.' Justin told me I'd 'taken the first step to recovery.' I wish he'd stop reading those damned recovery books! He so needs to be the bloody expert on everything! He wants me to stay here, but I know he'd drive me nuts in no time. In any case, this is his and Angela's space and I'm the temporary guest. I know they so want to fuck each other and I'm in the way!

Do I feel jealous, diary? I wouldn't be honest if I said I wasn't! I mean, Justin's so damn hot and he taught me to really enjoy sex. He was my 'first' in all respects except anatomically. I'll never go past 'our' spot by the riverbank without thinking of our times together. He really is sensational and I think Angela's so lucky. It's a pity he hasn't got a brother. His dad's got a crop but they are way too young at present. Maybe I can wait a few years!

Nope, bugger that! I'd be gagging if I had to wait that long!

Till next time, Chrissie Benmore.

Day 2

Father Kirkland called this morning around ten. He told me Frances had explained everything to him and he wanted to know how he could help the family. It was so weird talking to a Catholic Priest in the kitchen of Justin's big house. He and Angela crept around like they were walking on hot coals. I think they were shit-scared of him, actually. I guess they thought he'd damn them to hell or something.

The Father left the number for an incest support group in the Parish. I don't fancy comparing confessions with a bunch of screwed-up strangers! I kept the note in the back of my diary just in case I change my mind, but I don't think it's me.

Angela stayed another day. Her folks heard the news, of course, and were only too happy for her to stay with me. I moved my things out of Justin's room so they could sleep together. They tried to be quiet last night, but I heard Angela moaning to about one in the morning. I know that feeling only too well. I felt a bit horny myself, just knowing what they were doing. I tried to give myself a little rub, but I was just too exhausted. It's been a tough few days!

They looked a little guilty this morning when they got up. I smiled and asked them if they'd enjoyed themselves. I gave a little wink just to show that it was alright. Angela blushed red and Justin looked at the floor. They appeared relieved, though. It was my first good deed of the day!

I'm getting tired of being treated like a patient. I want to do something for myself, and for my two buddies. I volunteered to make lunch. They protested that they could just order pizzas, but I insisted. I had to go out and get food, there was nothing in the fridge. They ordered all their meals from restaurant deliveries.

The pool guy came after lunch. Angela and I picked spots on the patio where we could perv at him. We stretched out on deck chairs and made rude comments about him to one another. He was such a dork. Bleached hair and shades, a real poser.

I wore some of the gear that Angela bought for me. The top was a bit too tight around my boobs for my liking, but Angela told me I looked hot. I still have an issue with guys perving at my tits, but Angela doesn't give a shit. She'd drop her top, given half a chance, just to make the guys drool!

After lunch we went into town, to the mall. She again, had Justin's card and she wore a grin on her face a mile wide.

Tomorrow is my 16th birthday. I've dropped hints all day, of course, it is, after all, the day when I become legal. I think they're planning something. It's hard to tell because they are always whispering to one another anyway.

Much as I appreciate Justin's and Angela's fussing over me, I want to be normal again. I can't help thinking that, but for that horrible night, Angela would be ignoring me or shooting daggers in the street. Justin would be trying not to notice me, or looking around in paranoia, lest we meet someone Angela knows.

I like the sidelines and the shadows. I've never cared to be the centre of attention. I can't relax. I wish sometimes they would back off and let the darkness swallow me once more.

Day 3

Angela came over this morning and gave me my present. More clothes, of course. The girl is obsessed with clothes. Justin bought me a bone pendant inlaid with mother of pearl, an apointment to sit my driver's license and a little Toyota. It's too much, I can't possibly accept it. It's sitting out in the driveway right now. I haven't even looked inside. Justin's going right over the top.

He asked me if I wanted to do a driving course, he'd pay of course. But I turned him down flat. I just can't deal with his excessive generosity right now. I hope he understands.

I can't help feeling he's trying to make things right by buying me lots of stuff. I wish he'd realise that his friendship is all I expect. I don't need his money, never had really.

Mum called and we talked for about five minutes. She just wished me a happy birthday and asked how I was getting on. She didn't once mention Justin, Dad, or Saturday night. It's like nothing happened. I wonder if she was too drunk to remember at all. I can't believe that, I think she's just avoiding as usual.

She told me she's back at work. She'd had a few days off because she was feeling poorly. She wondered when I was coming back home. Vickie asked after me and said she'd talk when she got back from holiday.

Mum's really struggling, I know that. I can read between the lines. She's having a dry spell at the Travel Company. Apparently people are not travelling as often overseas because of 911 and the war in Iraq. She makes a commission based on a percentage of the cost of the travel package she sells. Domestic packages only make a fraction compared to overseas travel.

Mum's too proud to admit she hasn't any money. I know Justin would help out if asked, but mum wouldn't accept it. Not a snowball's chance.

I thought about dad this morning when I lay in bed. It was a strange mix of emotions. He's in Australia so I last heard. Part of me wants to see him, to talk. I still care about him in a way, I don't want him to come to harm. I'm worried if this shit gets to the authorities they may want to make trouble for him. Maybe he deserves it, but I don't want to be the one to put him in prison.

At 13 I knew what I was doing, even though I hadn't really thought out the consequences. I figure that makes me just as responsible. Justin says the law makes it all's dad's fault because I was under 16. He says at 13 the law considers me incapable of giving informed consent. He read that out of a book, but he doesn't know shit.

I mean, who really thinks through the consequences of anything? Who has a crystal ball? If I'd figured out all this shit was going to happen, I wouldn't have jumped into bed with dad. That's right Diary, it was me that climbed into his bed, not the other way around.

I can still remember clearly the fight that mum and dad had the night he left us. I hid in my room but I could hear it through the walls. They yelled disgusting things at one another. I don't want to go through that ever again. Vickie came in and slept with me all night. It was the closest we've ever been. We hardly said anything. We just cried each other to sleep.

Angela asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday. She suggested we could either get some friends over or go out clubbing. I suddenly got cold feet about a party. It seems to me it'd be more like a wake, therefore I said I would like to go out. Justin pipes up and asked where we should go and Angela told him it was to be girl's only. It was so funny, he tried to be mature about it but you could see he was shitting himself. Angela was no help either. She winked at me and said we might find a cool guy each!

God we spent ages getting ready! Angela just had to try everything on at least twice. We'd gone downtown this afternoon to get my ID and of course she dragged me into another boutique afterwards for an outfit. We drove in my car, Angela drove because I don't have a license yet. It is kind of nice, I wish I could keep it, but...

Anyway, we get this off-the-shoulder thing with a neckline rather too low for me. Angela said I looked fantastic and in the end I gave in. I chose some knee length pants that are a little low-slung but look alright. It leaves me with a two inch band of midriff, enough to show my navel. Afterwards we go and get my navel pierced and a single rhinestone put in. It hurt like hell, but it does look nice!

By 7 Angela announces that she's ready, finally. She chose another crop-top that's no more than a band around her boobs. It's so tight her nipples poke through. We parade for Justin's benefit and his jaw fell open. Angela's such a tease, poor Justin. It's going to be quite an ordeal for him until we get home. Angela told him not to stay up, we'd be very late. When we left he was almost shaking with anxiety. Angela had to go back and give him a hug and reassure him she wouldn't be foolish, she still loved him. He was just a little relieved, I think.

The first club was filled with creepy guys in their forties, all trying to look cool. We left laughing our heads off. The second was a little better, a couple of guys zoomed in straight away to pick us up. Angela teased them a little before we slipped back out. The guys were too drunk and sleazy in any case.