Tuesday (part 2)

It was a short walk, only a couple minutes, between the Nurse's Office and Dr. Zelvetti's. None of us said anything, and Steve and Shannon, one of the school's most recognizable couples (completely aside of their lack of clothes) weren't holding hands. I guess we were feeling subdued. It was only in the actual office (Had we truly all been in here only thirty-six hours ago?) (Oh, and fancy that: as it turns out, she too graduated with a degree in Psychology) that we finally spoke, and it was Shannon.

"Damn," she said, "talk about chivalry. Taking wounds to keep your friend safe."

"Uh, Shan, isn't chivalry the other way around, where the men protect the women?" Steve asked, amused.

Shannon gave him a look—How clueless are you?—and turned back to Sajel. "Talk about standing up for your friends, hon."

Sajel said nothing, curled up in an armchair and staring at the floor.

"And you, Brandon," Shannon said, flashing me a smile. "Three times in two days? You know, you can let your hair down more than that. Or maybe it's 'let your pants down.'" Now her grin turned truly wicked.

"Well, I do have a girlfriend," I said.

Steve shrugged. "So?"

I blinked.

Shannon smiled and snuggled closer to him. "It's The Program. We're both getting looked at and felt and all that. He has my permission to do what he wants, and I have his." She gave us wry grin. "Kelly had her hand down there while we were watching, and I was about three seconds from coming when you guys yelled. I hope you appreciate what I've sacrificed."

Sajel and I exchanged glances.

"But the point is, sure, you can have fun, even if you're seeing someone. Though Stevie's supposed to check with me first if it's something he thinks I won't like, and the same in reverse. But you don't have to let it get in the way."

"Yeah, but that assumes my girlfriend's okay with it."

"So, ask her. 'Honey, is it okay if someone touches me?'"

"Probably not," I said, sighing, "since she's not okay with her touching me."

Shannon and Steve gave me speculative looks.

"It's okay," I said. "It's not like I constantly need relief or anything."

"Yeah, but... Brandon, it's not really about what you need, it's about what you want," Steve said.

I shrugged. "I don't care, one way or another. Sex, no sex... It's all the same to me."

Shannon looked at Sajel speculatively. "He hasn't ever had any, has he."

"I..." I said.

Sajel looked at me. "Do you want to tell 'em?"

"Oh, fuck," I said. This was all starting to give me a headache. "If you want to."

"Well, we kinda have to, to answer that question."

"We could just not answer it."

Steve said, "Uhm, from the drift of the conversation, I take it the answer is Yes, but."

"That's about the short of it," I said.

"What's the long of it," Shannon asked.

Sajel and I traded a long glance.

"Yes, he has had sex," Sajel said. "Once. Just like me. Because of whom it was with."

Steve and Shannon looked from one to the other of us in silence.

"Please keep this under wraps," I said. "Almost no one knows. I have just... Two friends, online, who have heard about this, and then Jane—"

"Jane?" Sajel asked in surprise.

"I thought I told you," I said, "I kind of had to tell her, to explain where I was coming from."

"Well, hell, if anyone's gonna know my secrets, might as well be a prude," Sajel said. "But yeah, between the people he's told and the people I've told, you two are only the, uh... (Lessee, three plus... ) Seventh and eighth people to know about this. Not counting myself and Brandon, of course."

Steve nodded. "Our lips are sealed," he said.

Well, okay then. Time to tell this tale.

"We were freshmen," I said. "It was right after I'd come out of the hospital—"

"Hospital?" Steve interrupted.

Oh bloody hell. "When I was fourteen I tried to kill myself," I said, a little more impatiently than I had intended. "You probably remember. That's why no one talks to me, they think I'm insane and that it's contagious." Calm, Brandon, calm. "Anyway. I'd just come out of the hospital, I was on the rebound, slowly climbing out of the Hole. Because my parents weren't home, I was able to set up a sleepover at my house—Sajel, Zach, Rob, some other friends that I don't really talk to anymore..." Anna and David and some others. Jane and Kelsey and Tim hadn't yet been part of our circle. "They all came. Sajel was being a nice person, for once—" Sajel rolled her eyes and flipped me off. "—and Zach put away the make-fun-of-you vibe and was, like, sensitive and caring and all that." That's part of the reason I put up with his shit. A major reason. Because the one time I really, really needed him to be serious and a real friend... He was. And there's simply no way I can thank him enough for that.

"So, Sajel and I had cause to happen to be together, overnight," I said. "And... Things happened."

"I think we were both being stupid," Sajel said. "We'd had, you know, like, a, a brush with death, or whatever. Supposedly when there's funerals, the people in it have more sex. I think that was us. And so..." She shrugged. "Things happened."

Steve and Shannon nodded slowly.

"We didn't actually have intercourse that night," Sajel said. "We didn't have protection, and for once we weren't stupid enough to try it anyway. And it was our firsts, both of us. Like, our first anything. I think we had enough to work on."

"Honestly, I wasn't really thinking of sex at all," I said. "I was just... In a state of wonder. I thought I was head-over-heels in love with her, and it was one thing to be able to hold her, to have her next to me in this sleeping bag on the cold carpet floor. It was quite another to... Well, Steve, you know. A woman's body is just something else." Steve nodded wordlessly. "And getting to explore it... Just... My goodness."

"I came back two days later," Sajel said. "He'd managed to get his hands on some condoms. His parents were still out. Everything looked pretty dandy. Except... I didn't really want to."

Only silence greeted that proclamation.

"I'd realized that I didn't really think of him as a lover. I mean, I loved him, and I still love him, but I wasn't in love with him. He just isn't the sort I fell in love with. But he was... Insistent."

Steve's and Shannon's eyes went to me, disbelieving.

"No, not like that, no" Sajel said, "he was very polite and caring and all that happy shit. Kinda stupid, if you ask me, but then, I guess he and Jane deserve each other. But... It was clear he had his mind on only one thing."

And what a fool I was, I thought.

"I said, all right, fine, sure. If we have to." Sajel tossed her hands. "It's like giving a child candy because she won't stop throwing a tantrum about it. Though, this was a little bit more than candy."

"Yeah, just a little," Shannon said.

"She went home that afternoon," I said, "and I didn't hear from her again until the next night. Needless to say, she was... Not pleased."

"And he wasn't pleased either, once he heard what I had to say," Sajel said with a smile that didn't light her eyes.

"The next few months were... Icky," I said. "I felt bad about myself, I felt bad for her, our friendship was on pins and needles... It was like, every time I saw her, I just remembered, and it was all I could think about."

"I just got my ass out of there for a month," Sajel said, "went and hung out with other people."

"But eventually we sat down and talked about it and said, 'No, we want to keep this friendship together, let's try and put it behind us.' And I think we sort of have."

"Sort of?" Sajel asked me. "If it's only 'sort of, ' then we need to go and have more talks."

"No, it's not... I dunno. Sometimes when I look at you, if something reminds me of the way you looked that night—maybe the way your eyes look, or the way you're standing—I remember, and sometimes I wish I could go back to that night."

"There's nothing wrong with that," Sajel said.

"Uh-huh," I said.

"No, look." She leaned forward, her eyes clear, and suddenly I realized she was being serious. "Yeah, bad things came out. But we're over those. We're best friends, we talk, we stand up for each other."

"You stand up for me," I corrected, smiling.

"Whenever I remember that night, I smile," Sajel said. "Because it was wonderful. There was nothing bad going on, there was no pain, no confusion, no anger. I was with someone I loved very much, and he was touching me in all those places, and it felt so good. We were pure then, Brandon, that's why you remember it and that's why you want it. Because we hadn't fallen then. We hadn't been cast out of the garden."

I sighed. "Yeah, and why did we get cast out?"

"What do you mean," Sajel asked.

"Whose fault, exactly, was it, that things went awry?"

Sajel's face closed, and she sat back in her chair. "Oh, no. No. Don't you fucking start that again."

"It's the truth," I said.

"It is not! Who said Yes?"

"Yeah? Well, who meant No?"

"Now hold on a second," Steve said. "Brandon, are you telepathic?"

"No," I said, confused.

"Then there's no way you should've been able to know she meant no when she said yes," Steve said. "She should've—sorry, Sajel, but it's the truth, and I'm sure you know it—she should've said No if that's what she meant."

"She did say No," I said, "she changed her mind."

"Or at least appeared to," Sajel said.

"Okay, so maybe that's grounds for caution," Shannon said, "but... Honestly, Brandon. If she says Yes, it's not your fault if she's lying. Sometimes when Steven wants it, I just tell him Yes because—"

"You do?" Steve asked, startled. "You don't have to."

"I do because it's important to you, I can tell," Shannon said. "And if it's important to you, I can stand it."

"Don't do that, don't bend yourself on my account, I can hold it back."

"No, it's okay, I can hold it back, I—"

They stopped, staring at each other in strange confusion and wonderment, while Sajel and I glanced at each other. She rolled her eyes and twirled a finger beside her ear, but she was smiling. I knew that she was thinking the same thing I was: Wow, we said, are those two into each other.

"This isn't the time," Steve said finally.

"Yeah," Shannon said, in a soft, smiling voice. "Anyway. Brandon, if she tells you Yes, it's not your fault if she's lying."

"See that's what I keep telling him," Sajel protested. "And I bet you this is a big part of why he isn't whipping his thing out more frequently this week. Maybe he should've listened harder when I said No, but I should've stuck to my guns and kept saying no. It was an accident. He knows that, I know that, I've made my peace with it. But he blames himself."

"Not for the accident," I said, stilling the room, "that's not what worries me. What worries me is just what you said—that I didn't listen when you said No. I don't like those kinds of people. They're careless. They think only of themselves. They don't care what happens to other people. I don't want to be that. And yet I was. And I can't let that happen again. Especially not with something like sex. So, yes, you're right, this is why I'm not—what'd you say—whipping my thing out more frequently. Because I'm scared that I'll accidentally hurt someone with it when I do."

"Oh, come on," Sajel said, "you made the mistake once, I really doubt you'll make it again. You're not a careless person, Brandon, you do care, at the deepest level of your being you do care, and you want people to care back. You let it get out of hand once, you learned from it, I know it won't happen again."

I sighed. Maybe. Maybe.

"You're scared," Sajel said scornfully. "You're fucking chicken. You're scared of the fucking consequences."

"Yes I'm scared," I said, surprised at the vehemence in my voice. "Goddamn yes I'm scared. It got out of hand once, okay, just once— And I hurt my best friend for life. I took her virginity, she took mine, and it turned out to be a mistake. When you find the guy you really wanna give it to, oh God whoops! it's already gone. And all the while I just thought everything was going fine. While it was all slipping out from under my feet. How could I not be scared!"

I wiped at my face. Damn. Didn't mean to cry.

There was a long silence in the room. Everyone fidgeted, playing with shoelaces or the arm of the couch or the arm of a significant other, respectfully pretending I wasn't there.

"So, Sajel," Shannon asked. "How was it?"

"How was what?"

I could hear the grin in Shannon's voice. "The sex, silly. With Brandon. How was it?"

Sajel was quiet for a while, thinking. Then she said, "Honestly. I thought it was pretty good. I've never been with anyone else, but I've heard horror stories about painful first times, and I wasn't sure what to expect."

"There's some truth to them, unfortunately," Shannon said, sounding rueful.

"But..." Sajel continued. "Hell, if that's what it felt like with someone who was just a friend—and while I wasn't quite into it, to boot—then when everything really falls into place? It'll be really something."

"You enjoyed it?" I asked.

Sajel looked at me, and for once there was no sarcasm on her face. "Yes, Brandon, I did."

I sniffled. "Fuck, that just makes me feel even worse."

Sajel's brow wrinkled.

"Because you didn't wanna be there. Because you didn't wanna do it. And then you did, anyway, just to appease me, and then you actually had fun. Doing something you totally didn't wanna do. I feel like some sort of terrorist or something."

Before Sajel could answer that, Dr. Zelvetti stepped into the room. I hadn't heard the door open. Startled, I realized she might have heard a whole hell of a lot of that conversation.

"I'm not sure what to make of the statements I got out of Mr. Patini and Mr. Hoffman," she said. If Hoffman was Smelly, then that made Bald Mr. Patini. "They didn't match up with what you four said, they contradicted themselves and each other, and they never overtly denied what any of you said." She gave a wintry smile. "With them trying to accommodate their own tales, each other's, and yours's, it ended up being quite a muddle."

She sat down at her desk. "One thing is certain, though: they harassed a member of The Program. The minimum penalty is suspension. We'll not be seeing them around for a while."

I breathed a private sigh of relief. Dr. Zelvetti had evidently ruled in our favor.

"Mr. Proust, Ms. Salvolestra," Dr. Zelvetti said, "I'm glad to see we picked the right people for the job. You looked out for your fellow Program participants, as we asked you to, and managed to keep them safe."

Steve shrugged. "It was pure luck, Dr. Zelvetti. If they'd been over by the gym, for instance, we couldn't've stepped in."

"Nonetheless, when it was your time, you stepped in," Dr. Zelvetti said. "It's what you're there for, and I'm glad it worked.

"And Mr. Chambers, Ms. Malhotra," Dr. Zelvetti said. "Aside from the obvious misjudgment of stopping to speak to them in the first place, you two acquitted yourself very well. I'm proud of you both."

"Thank you, Dr. Zelvetti," we murmured in unison.

"If you hurry, you'll make it to your classes, so I see no reason to give you notes; but if you're a bit late, ask your teachers to consult with me, and I'll set them straight. I'll be making an announcement, either today or early tomorrow, about this incident, to reinforce the penalties accrued by abusing a Program participant."

But before I was able to leave, Dr. Zelvetti said, "Brandon, if you would please remain, I'd like to have a word with you." When everyone else had left, she indicated the chair in front of her desk and I sat in it, feeling a little nervous.

"I thought it would be wise to check up on you," Dr. Zelvetti said. "Steven and Shannon have a great burden on them, since they keep an eye on the rest of you; but you have one almost as great. It's been over twenty-four hours. How have you fared?"

"Well, aside from getting waylaid by two idiots out past the football field today," I grumped. But my heart wasn't in it, and I think she could tell.

"Brandon, I want you to understand," Dr. Zelvetti said. Her eyes were grave and still. "I didn't make this decision lightly. I would have supported you if you had chosen not to step in, and I'm very glad you decided to help. I hope you're not angry with me."

A sharp retort leapt to the tip of my tongue—Of course I'm pissed off, I wouldn't be here if you hadn't practically shoved me into it—but there it died, unsaid. In a way, she was lucky: had she had asked even twenty minutes ago, I would have said yes. But having to relate my past with Sajel had taken all the energy out of me. Frankly, I was too tired to be mad. A quiet part of my brain put up a warning flag—Skirting the Hole! Very, very close to the Hole!—but I put it aside.

A question occurred to me. "If I hadn't said yes, who would've replaced me?"

Dr. Zelvetti said a name I didn't know. At my reaction, she gave a dry grin. "Yes, that's another reason I'm glad you're on board. You're a little more... High-profile than he is."

"I guess the other question is... Why me?" I looked up from the floor at Dr. Zelvetti. "You have to know how hard it was for me to get out of the Hole. And how much closer I get to it, just having to deal with Arie. It's a slippery slope. Honestly, you're threatening my peace of mind." I said it, not as a threat, but as a simple fact. Because it was.

Dr. Zelvetti sat back in her chair. "I know," she said, her face closed and impassive. "And I thought long and hard about it, and watched you for a long time, before I decided to ask you. What if it doesn't work? What if, instead of you pulling her out, she pulls you in?"

"Wait a second," I said, "me pull her out?" That was the first I'd heard of it. "You expect me to try and dig her out of the Hole?"

Dr. Zelvetti said nothing.

"First off, that's impossible, and you know it. Use your fuckin psychology degree!" That probably should've gotten me in trouble, but... I mean, honestly! I'm just a high school student, and I know this! "Everyone's Hole is personal. The best I can do for Arie is stand at the edge and throw flowers in. She has to dig herself out. It's about her realizing that life can change, and about her choosing to change it. I can't make her do that. No one can. She has to choose it."

Dr. Zelvetti said nothing, her face working in mysterious ways.

"Jeez," I said, sitting back in my chair. I ran a hand over my face, through my hair. "I'm not a miracle worker here. Sure, I'll try to help. I like the girl. She's nice. There's a nice person struggling to get out in there. But I can't do it for her."

"I never expected you to," Dr. Zelvetti said. "I've only expected you to do exactly what you've done. Be supportive. Be compassionate. You care, Brandon, you care about other people. It's part of who you are. It's part of why you're so lonely sometimes, having so few friends, having so little respect from your peers. All you want is for them to care—because it's the same thing you do to them."

I said nothing. Sajel had said the same thing not ten minutes ago. Did a lot of people know this about me? For the longest time, I'd assumed that only I did.

"But it also means you're willing to reach out to someone in the same boat. Arie. You've been where she is, and you know the way out. More than anyone else at this school does, you know where she is. And that's why we asked you."

"Well, that's all well and good," I said. "But what about my Hole?"

"Your Hole," Dr. Zelvetti said, her voice suddenly amused. "Do you really fear it that much, then?"

I glared at her. "Don't make light of it. I only tried to kill myself because of it."

She smiled. "I'm not making light of it, Brandon. I considered that too, and decided it was worth the risk."