Chapter 1

The party was finally getting into full swing. I was still playing the part of the host, milling around, talking with friends and acquaintances. I was in a small group with Mike and Jewel -dear friends from college, and now a happily married couple-, laughing at the dirty joke Jewel was telling, when I noticed him.

Now, there is a face you rarely see!

He must have been here for a while, as he already had a half-finished glass of whisky in one hand. I excused myself, making my way to Jim.

"Hi there, stranger," I said to him, wondering why I sounded so chipper.

"Hi El," he replied with a gruff voice, without taking his eyes off the scrolls inside the glass display stand. He straightened his back as if collecting himself, then looked at me.

I wondered -again- why he seemed to carry the weight of whole world on his shoulders.

Some things never change... some people?

Was that it? I wasn't sure. I never was when it came to Jim. No, that wasn't it. He wasn't a person who shrank from the world or problems; he just seemed to be... of late... He always had a somber countenance, but he was easy to talk to. You wouldn't call him an extrovert, but neither was he shy, especially when you drew him into a conversation; full of insight with delightful comments. Always the quiet type, his smile was a bit reserved, although it reached his eyes every time he did smile. I knew it was genuine whenever he did that. He had a way of relaxing the people around him. That did not take anything from his appeal, which was surprising considering...

Considering what, Ellie? His intensity? The eyes that almost saw through your soul, or the gentle manner with which he treated all his friends, but especially his women? For a somber person he certainly has many friends. No, somber doesn't describe him. Reserved and quiet does.

The silence drew on, and it was getting uncomfortable when his expression changed into... -What? One of amusement, mirth?- There was an almost imperceptible twinkle in the eyes, questioning.

The ball is in my court!

I don't know what made me say it, when I quipped, "I didn't know you did parties."

Oh, God! Where did that come from? After all these years, he could make me fluster. Why did I always try to come up with a line to shake him up? Was it because he always seemed dependable, an anchor?

"You invited me," he responded. It wasn't offered as an answer, more like a remark -a half-statement left hanging there, a noncommittal observation- as if that explained all.

The ball is back in my court. Again!

True! I had invited him, knowing he would enjoy the party, and the collection of scrolls in the display case, next to my other acquisition; a 300-year-old sword set. I had no interest in weapons. Well, not exactly. I had a passing interest, but the purchase was an afterthought, unlike the haiku scrolls. I had seen a similar set at his house -in the basement that was setup as a dojo- so I knew he would appreciate this collector's item, more than anybody else would.

I was mulling his words in my mind trying to come up with a reply, I almost missed his next words.

"You know I don't care for crowds," he said, letting me off the hook. However, my relief was short lived. "You should know that after all this time, El. I never cared for the crowds."

Yeah, I should have known. I knew it. What did I expect from Jim, the guy who didn't attend the high school prom, or the college graduation party? I always thought it was because he didn't have a date -that's a laugh!- or he was going through one of his broken relationships, and didn't feel comfortable going stag. But, that wasn't Jim. He wouldn't balk at the idea of going together with me and my date. Never considered himself like a third wheel or felt like one. Besides, the memories of the occasions when I was invited into his bed together with his girl friends were never far from my mind. "Especially with Amber," I added mentally. No. He was comfortable with himself and those around him. 'As long as he was among friends, ' I corrected myself, 'not with everyone!' And, he was solid...

Still is, particularly in rough weather.

I knew that much about him, but at the same time, I felt I knew so little about him.

"I remember hearing three is never a crowd," I found myself saying reflexively; my mind not back from its stroll in the past... Amber... Jim... us...

Nooo! What am I doing? What am I saying? Did it sound wistful?

I wasn't sure how I sounded, and felt self-conscious.

"There are more than three here," he said, nodding towards the people with an almost amused tone, a small smile fading before it had time to form on his lips. He hesitated, as if weighing in something mentally, and continued in a contemplative mood. "Three, is always a crowd," he stated softly to take the sting out of his words.

So he knew! Damn... Damn... Damn... And that hurt, you son of a bitch! Even if you didn't intend to hurt me, that still hurt! Amber... I... we never had to say the words to you... but all the same; it was a given... a law of nature.

"El," he said, his expression softening, his eyes clouding with... what? I couldn't read it, and it slipped past fast, as if it never was there. "It was," he said then paused.

To reconsider... at a loss for what to say? How to say?

"It was never about you... or Amber. Nobody was at fault. Of all people... Amber... you... no one was at fault, exce..." He took a breath, and said, "I hear you still see Amber. She must have told you."

Yeah. Late Sunday brunches with Amber, talking about the past. So, why did he break up with Amber? They were good. We were good... as a trio... or a duo. On and off, ups and downs, it was always good. Why didn't he call her or me afterwards? Even Amber didn't have the answers.

Before I could respond, he broke in again, abruptly changing the subject. "I like these haikus. In particular, that one," he said, pointing to one of the scrolls with the Japanese ideograms, and a small card beneath the scroll with the translation.

I looked at the card, my eyes going over the neat script, but the words hardly registering:

The next room's light
that too goes out, and now-
the chill of night

Shiki (1867-1902)

I was preoccupied, trying to make some sense of what he was saying... or not saying... We both stood there, the silence dragging on, weighing on heavily. I tried to gather my courage, before asking the question. I didn't want to, but I needed to know. I needed to know!

"Two was... two is... a crowd," I said, faltering -what little courage I had deserting me- and the words coming out as a remark instead of a question. Somehow, I managed to add, "as well?" to the end of it, to turn it around to... a question... an accusation... what? I don't know... I didn't know how it sounded.

To my surprise, he wasn't taken aback, but a tightening around his eyes showed he wasn't expecting that. I wondered what the hell I was thinking -and not for the first time!-