Chapter 16: Weekend Depression

I woke up Saturday feeling no better than I had when I went to bed the night before. I really wanted to call Leslie and have it out with her. My depression was slowly becoming anger. I felt like I was a fairly understanding guy. I knew that she had been through a lot of crap when it came to guys and I wanted to cut her some slack for her hesitation in trusting me because of it.

The problem was that I felt like I had earned her trust and after a few days to calm down and think things out I would have thought that she would start to talk to me again or at least hear the entire story before condemning me.

I guess what I am getting at here is that although I understood her fear of trust, I was mad that she didn't trust me. The transition from depression to anger wasn't a quick thing. Over the past day or so the anger had slowly started to simmer. Now I was both depressed and getting angrier with her by the hour. I really needed to get out and do something so that I wasn't sitting around thinking about her all the time.

One thing that I was doing was playing my guitar. That took my mind off her for the most part. I found that my blues songs were sounding great. I guess there is one good thing that comes out of this kind of relationship problem. I played quite a bit when I was sitting around the house. I found that the more I played the better my feel for the instrument was. I was not by any means a great player all of a sudden, but I could hear the problems that I had with my playing and try to correct them more easily.

While I did enjoy my guitar time, it was not enough to keep me occupied. I called up Larry to go to the gym and see if I couldn't blow off some steam.

We went to the gym and started our workout as usual. When we got to the bench presses I really started to push myself. We did what is called pyramiding. You start out with a weight that is not too difficult for you and you do a high number of reps at that lower weight. In this case I would throw 135 pounds on the bar and do 12 reps. Then I would add 20 pounds and do 10 reps. Then 20 more pounds and do 8 reps.

You get the point. You basically go until you are doing one press of the highest weight that you can do. If you misjudge and can do one rep of the top weight too easily you just add more weight and try to do one more press and keep repeating that until you top out. After you top out and can't do one, the spotter helps you finish your last bench press and you repeat the pyramid in reverse order until you are back up to 12 reps at a low weight again. By the time you get back to that low weight you are exhausted and can barely make it. It gives you a serious burn. It really feels great.

On this particular day I was pushing myself so hard that I actually benched about 20 pounds more than I had done since I had the crap beaten out of me. I kept up the momentum for the rest of my workout and by the end of it I was ready to drop. I think it was something that I had needed to do. I was exhausted both mentally and physically, but at least I didn't feel like I was going to explode at the next person that I talked to.

After we finished at the gym, Larry and I decided that we needed to have a guys' night out that evening. I was going to call Tom and he would call Steve and the rest of the gang.

After I showered up I felt refreshed enough to call Tom. He picked it up on the first ring which was a bit surprising.

"Hello?" he answered.

"Tom, it's Jeff."

"That was really weird," he said. "I was just picking up the phone to call Mary and instead of a dial tone you were there. The phone never even rang."

"That's odd, but I've had that happen before."

"So, what's going on?"

"Nothing much. I was just calling to see if you wanted to meet up with the rest of the crew tonight and do something."

"Ah... well... I... ah... was going to ask Mary if she wanted to go out tonight. That's why I was going to call her."

"Okay. That's cool. You should ask her out."

"What are you guys going to do?"

"I'm not sure, but if I get my way it will involve some serious drinking."

"Since when are you a drinker? You hardly ever drink."

"Since my girlfriend won't talk to me because she is being a stubborn pain in the ass!"

"Oh. So... what you're saying is you're bummed out that she won't talk to you and so you are going to get really wasted and that will make you feel better."

"That's the plan."

"Dude, that's not going to help you get her back."

"You know what? I'm pretty pissed off that she won't give me a chance to defend myself. The more I think about it the angrier I am getting. I'm done with her. I can't have a girlfriend who has that little trust in me."

"Take it easy, man. You need to give it some more time. You just started going out with her. She'll come around."

"I may not be here for her when she comes around. I'm more than a little disappointed in her at the moment."

"I'm sorry to hear that, man. I thought you guys were a great couple."

"Me too. I really loved being with her. It could have been something special, I think."

"If you like her that much, then don't give up on her that easily."

"What am I supposed to do? I've tried calling her several times. She won't talk to me. She won't listen to me. She won't look at me when I see her in school. I don't know what there is to do. I'm not going to send her flowers and apologize for doing absolutely nothing wrong."

"I don't know what you should do, but I just hate to see you this way."

"What way? Pissed off? Depressed? Bitter?"

"All of those things. That's not your style, man."

"I can't help it, Tommy boy. That's the way I feel right now and I have to do something to get her off my mind. I figure getting drunk is the only thing left that might work."

"For the record I don't think you should go get plastered tonight. It can't really do you any good."

"I'll take that under advisement, but I wouldn't count on any other outcome for this evening as far as I am concerned."

"Maybe I should come and keep you company tonight."

"Thanks for the sentiment, but I don't need a babysitter, Tom. Besides, you are going out with Mary. If she wants to, of course."

"All right, I'll let you know if things fall through with Mary."

"That's cool. Have a good time. At least she isn't psycho like some chicks I know."

"No she's not psycho, and neither is Leslie."

"She's acting like it."

"She's just putting up a wall to defend herself from being hurt."

"Yeah, well it sucks!"

"I know, but you just have to hang in there."

"Yeah... Thanks."

"No problem. I'll talk to you later."

"Okay. Bye."

I hung up the phone from Tom and was all wound up again just from talking about Leslie. I was really looking forward to having some beers so that I could just forget her for a while.

At dinner my mother questioned me about where I was going and who I was going out with for the night. She knew that I was depressed and since she can read me like a book, I'm sure she could tell that I was getting angry as well.

"We're just going bowling."

"Who's going?"

"Larry, Steve, and the rest of the guys. I always hang out with those guys. What's new about that?"

"Nothing. I'm just worried because you seem to be upset about something."

"I'm just bummed about Leslie. That's all. There is nothing else wrong."

"Okay, but I want you back at a decent hour."

"Mom, you know that the Rock and Bowl session doesn't even start until ten. There's no way I'll be home before one."

"Okay, but I want you home by one o'clock. You understand me?"

"Yeah, I understand. I'll be home by then."

"I'm going to wait up to make sure you do."

"I'm sure you will," I mumbled under my breath.

"What?"

"Oh, ah, nothing."

"Mmm hmmm, that's what I thought you would say."

I wisely kept my mouth shut and just ate my dinner in silence from then on. Luckily my sister had something going on that took their attention away from me. I was so out of it that I don't even remember what they were asking her about. I didn't care as long as it was not me they were questioning.

I managed to get out of the house without any more questioning pretty soon after dinner. Larry picked me up, then we went and grabbed a few other guys including one guy named Stu. He was part of our group of friends, but wasn't always with us. Steve was also one of the guys that went out with us and he brought a friend nicknamed Tank with him. Tank was a football player from another high school nearby. Apparently Steve and Tank's parents were good friends and they had known each other all their lives.

"Are we really going to go bowling tonight?" Tank asked.

"Yeah, but not till later," replied Larry. "First we need to find some beer."

"It's hard to come by these days," said Steve.

"I can get it," replied Tank from the back seat.

"I know. It's really hard to find some beverage lately. All of the liquor stores are really cracking down and checking IDs," Larry replied to Steve's comment completely ignoring Tank.