PREFACE

"Why the jock strap over your jeans, Cindi?"

"It's not a jock strap, Holly. It's supposed to be a codpiece. I'm making a statement."

"I suppose you are. Any I idea what statement?"

"That we don't have penis envy."

"Penis envy?"

"Here's what my psych text says. (I didn't sell it back because you see how I spilled coffee in it.) 'Freud believed that during development, girls switch the mother to the father as the love object, and also switch from the clitoris to the vagina as the main genital zone. At about age four, a girl discovers she lacks a penis and blames her mother. This causes the girl to give up clitoral sexuality. This aspect of Freud's theory has received a great deal of criticism from feminist psychoanalysts."

"Keeps 'em employed. So that's why you're wearing a jockstrap?"

"A codpiece, I told you. You agree about us going to the vagina? I still like both."

"But I can't do my vagina myself. Anyway, Cindi, why are your wearing that?"

"To make a point about them looking at our bras and up our skirts. Sort of like being a performance artist."

"Well, you know Cindi, the public may not exactly get the connection. Maybe we should publish another article."

"You think? Like do research about penis envy?"

"And codpieces. To see what your statement is stating, Cindi. There should be a point. So let's get in square brackets so they'll know when we're just thinking out loud. I'll look up penis envy since I'm the language person"

P.C. DICTIONARIES

1) Collins English Dictionary: "A Freudian concept in which envy of the penis is postulated as the cause for some of the characteristics found in women."

2) American Heritage Dictionary: "The supposed wish of a girl or woman to have a penis, postulated by Sigmund Freud as a cause of feelings of inferiority and psychic conflict."

3) New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy: "In Freudian theory, the repressed desire of females to possess a penis. Penis envy is also used generally to mean a supposed female envy of men."

4) WordIQ.com: "The contested Freudian belief of a woman envying men for having a penis."

[Actually, Cindi, we've already uncovered the psychology of the psychology. See the terms "postulated, supposed and contested"? Would they thus define "gender equity" as a "supposed principle" that men and women are equal? Shoot no! But because they have to be politically correct, they can't admit that we want a penis bouncing around when we go jogging.]

[That's why I'm making my statement with a codpiece, to hold it out of the way, sort of like your minimizer bra.]

[Cheap shot, Miss Ironing Board. You're the one who watches movies. What's up? Get it? Penis envy. What's up at the Cineplex? Write a review.]

POP CULTURE

Hello Moviegoers. Rent "Penis Envy" for an evening with your bridge club. The cast includes Marylin Star, Lexxxy, Denee Dreams, Ashley Heart, Paige Powers, Jennifer Steele, Dinah Sunrise and Cheyenne Wylde. No cast with real penises, we note. Marylin is obsessed with her lack of said organ. Luckily she's a popular chick with sexy girlfriends. After she dildos her luscious partners at her mansion, she calls an escort service for more. It's not very interesting, actually, unless they actually did what they did. Be careful whom you go with.

[But more down your line, Holly, Woody Allen is overwhelmed with the angst of it. Here's from three of his films.]

Woody dismissed penis envy in Manhattan Murder Mystery: "I'd fix Ted up with Helen Dubin, but they'd probably get into an argument over penis envy; the poor guy suffers from it so." But in Zelig, it's, "I worked with Freud in Vienna. We broke over the concept of penis envy. Freud felt it should be limited to women." And in Annie Hall, Diane Keaton asks, "Then she mentioned penis envy. Do you know about that?" His answer, "Me? I'm one of the few males who suffer from that."

[Hey, Holly, isn't Woody Allen a pedophile?]

[But with underage girls, not like Michael Jackson.]

[Yuck! Did you know that he used to be Black?]

[We'll write about Michael Jackson's penis envy some other time, Cindi. So do we see penis envy in pop music?]

Next on our hit list is "Penis Envy" by Uncle Bonsai. Strum along, those that can, anyway.

"If I had a penis I'd wear it outside

"In cafes and car lots with pomp and with pride.

"If I had a penis I'd take it to parties

"Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties.

"I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay

"I'd stuff it in turkeys on thanksgiving day.

"I'd sit like a guy, I'd straddle the chair.

"I'd play with my fly, albeit with care.

"I'd dip it in chocolate, I'd stick it in sockets.

"Go to the movies with hands deep in pockets.

"If I had a penis, I'd climb every mountain.

"I'd force it on females. I'd pee like a fountain.

"If I had a penis I'd still be a girl,

"But I'd make much more money and conquer the world."

[Stop! Stop! We're supposed to be researchers, not karaoke stars.]

[Then there's the codpiece and chaps look for Heavy Metal artists. So I suppose you have poetry or something, Holly?]

WHY A SCIENCE TEACHER CAN'T STAND SOME POETRY

[Well, as a matter of fact... Here's how Erica Jong's "Penis Envy" starts.]

"I envy men who can yearn with infinite emptiness toward the body of a woman,

"hoping that the yearning will make a child,

"that the emptiness itself will fertilize the darkness.

"Women have no illusions about this,

"being at once houses, tunnels, cups & cupbearers,

"knowing emptiness as a temporary state between two fullnesses,

"& seeing no romance in it.

"If I were a man doomed to that infinite emptiness,

"& having no choice in the matter,

"I would, like the rest, no doubt, find a woman

"& christen her moonbelly, madonna, gold-haired goddess

"& make her the tent of my longing, the silk parachute of my lust,

"the blue-eyed icon of my sacred sexual itch, the mother of my hunger."

[It doesn't even rhyme, Holly! And who wants to be called "Moonbelly"? You language teachers can't leave good enough alone. "Casey at the Bat" is about the United States and "Gunga Din" is really emotional. Your class should be reading "The Cremation of Sam McGee", not about needing a penis.]

[Dead white males. Anyway, Ms. Scientific Method, read this!]

AND WHY AN ENGLISH TEACHER IS SUSPICIOUS ABOUT SCIENCE

The British Medical Journal had readers vote for the top non-diseases. "We wanted to prompt a debate on what is and what is not a disease and draw attention to the increasing tendency to classify people's problems as diseases," said the editor. A condition labeled as a disease may bring sympathy, exemption from commitments, sick pay, free prescriptions, insurance payments, and access to facilities. Ageing was #1. Bags under eyes was #4. Baldness was #6. Cellulite was #15. Penis envy was #17, just ahead of road rage.

[So you science types are into penis envy too!]

[Well, Hollyhock, when we're old, bags under our eyes and cellulite will be major problems, so I'm glad they're doing the research.]

We thus conclude that penis envy is real, even if we don't want one dangling in our way.

[But that still doesn't cover why you're wearing the codpiece, Cindi. Here's about the word itself.]

CODPIECE, THE WORD

A codpiece was originally a flap or pouch attached to the crotch of men's hose to provide a cover his genitals. The flap would be closed by string ties or buttons, the forerunner to Levis 501's.

Codpiece is not named for a fish.

[Oh. But when the fish market guy wraps a filet of ling cod in white paper, don't you sort of see a tie, Holly? And most guys like you to coddle their dick when you're kissing.]

[Not etymological. Just listen.]

"Cod" in Middle English meant "bag" or "scrotum". "Hosenbeutel" is codpiece in German. "Beutel" means bag.

[Hosebag? Makes sense.]

"And 'Braguette" is the French. In Middle French "boulge" means "leather bag" or "curved part".

[Like that skinny French bread, Holly? Humm. Some guys do curve a little.]

[No Cindi. The bread loaf doesn't have the "r". In Spanish, ask your hombre what's in his "bragueta". But here's the key linguistic link. Bragueta also means, "bracket, an architectural member, plain or ornamental, projecting from a wall or pier, to support weight falling outside."]

[Si, Senorita Hollita. A coupon for his koupin?]

[What?]

[I dated this guy from India.]

RAISON D'ETRE

[Pardon my French.]

Men literally used to put on their pants one leg at a time. Leather leggings, the antecedents of Renaissance hosiery, were tubes of animal skin joined rather perfunctorily at the top. The crotch was left open for "privy" functions. Protection from exposure was the tunic.

But by the 14th century, taut hose had replaced leggings, but the fit still required splitting the front. The goods still hung loose under the doublet

Poor diet and the plague kept many from the statuesque ideal. A trick to look taller was lowering the doublet skirt waistline to give the illusion of elongated trunk, while raising the hemline to reveal more leg. From the 1340's to the 1360's, hems rose to mid-thigh. When a man sat down or mounted his horse, there was a clear view up his hose. The Parson in "Canterbury Tales" criticizes these garments for their revealing nature:

The codpiece, a triangular piece of fabric tied at the three corners, or stitched at the bottom and tied at the top, was invented to fill up the gap. The new, easy access region allowed men to relieve themselves while standing.

But what was no longer revealed could be artificially enhanced under the masque of fashion.

The codpiece developed from a pouch, into a padded pouch, and then into a very padded pouch. During the 15th and 16th centuries, it often doubled as a pocket for money and a handkerchief. Finally the pouch idea was discarded altogether, along with any pretense to function.

HENRY VIII, CODPIECE KING

The codpiece attained loaf-shaped prominence in the crotch of Henry VIII. Several reasons are proposed.

1) Outdoing the Italians. Queen Anne Boleyn reportedly remarked to the visiting Duke Fabrizio of Bologna, "Be that thine codling, or art thou glad to see me?" As "codling" was 15th century English for either a small, immature apple or any of several elongated greenish cooking apples, was the Duke was being ridiculed or complimented?

King Henry assumed Fabrizo's bulge to be the latest Continental fashions and ordered his codpieces padded, commanding, "My codpieces must compare favorably to Bologna."

2) Medical. During his first marriage, Henry conducted affairs with the Boleyn sisters Mary and Anne, the latter who was to become Mrs. #2 of 6. Mary, who had entered the French Court when she was eleven, the King of France called "my English mare". Now already married, Mary bore Henry two illegitimate children, one a strapping boy. Poor Henry, yet childless in marriage, sought a fertile bride in the figure of Mary's unwed sister. Mary's legacy, however, was a royal case of syphilis. Henry's exaggerated codpiece enclosed a bandage to protect his royal clothing from stain.