Part 5: Friday

Chapter 9teen - Missy

I was eating breakfast the next morning when my parents came down.

"Aren't you going to be late for school?" Mom said.

"I'm going in late today. Mr. Tilling knows all about it. I have an appointment at 8:30."

"What kind of appointment?" Mom asked.

"I'm going to see a psychologist," I told them.

"I don't think so," Dad blurted out. "No Jenkins is going to see a psychologist."

"Then I'll just have to change my last name to Lipschitz, won't I?

"Don't get smart with me, young lady," Dad barked.

"Well, what do you want me to say? If I'm a Jenkins, then a Jenkins is going to see a psychologist. I need to do this," I asserted.

"I know this week has been a little hard on you, but we can work it out in the family," Dad said.

"No, we can't."

"Who are you going to see?" Mom asked.

"Ellie Kirkland."

Mom and Dad shot each other a look at that one. It was a rather alarmed look. "Listen, Missy, if you really feel the need to see a shrink," Mom said, "why don't you let us find you one?"

"Because this isn't about you, it's about me," I replied. "Besides which, what's wrong with Ellie Kirkland? She's very well regarded. I know that she's written books and everything."

"Yes, but those books are controversial," Dad claimed.

"We just think we could find you someone better, honey," Mom pitched in.

"Her ideas aren't widely accepted," Dad added. "I just think you'd be better off with someone more in tune with what our family is like. Ellie Kirkland's theories can screw up kids who aren't prepared for them."

You know what? I had sit here, and seen them go from screaming to cajoling in an instant. Me seeing a psychologist was horrible-until they found out who I was seeing, and then me seeing a psychologist wasn't quite so horrible-as long as it wasn't Ellie Kirkland. Cassie was right. I was being manipulated. And I was tired of it.

"You know Ellie Kirkland has a son, Mike, he's in my class," I said. Mom and Dad nodded. "I don't know Mike well, but I know him enough. Let me tell you about Mike Kirkland. He's a good student. He's the starting catcher on the baseball team, and he's good at it. He's got a large circle of friends, and they all adore him. Even outside his circle of friends, he's one of the best-liked kids in school. He's kind and decent. He's got a girlfriend, Lily Woodard, the pitcher--and those two have a relationship that's the envy of the whole school."

"You want to talk about Ellie Kirkland's theories. I see the result of them every day. If that is 'screwed up'-well, I should be praying to God every night to be that 'screwed up'."

My parents looked at me in shock.

"I'm going now, to my appointment. With Ellie Kirkland." And I got up, and that's just what I did.

Ellie was waiting for me when I got to her office, which was in her house. "Thank you for seeing me, Ms. Kirkland," I said.

"Please, call me Ellie. You go by Missy, right?" I nodded. "Good. Bob Tilling called me and gave me some background on you. I know about the incident last week, and I know The Program has been rough on you. But Bob thinks there's something more. That's why he wanted me to see you. Now, why did you agree to see me?"

I took a deep breath and said, "A lot of reasons. I'm confused and scared. I don't know who I am. I know who I was. Over the past week I realized I've come to hate that person. I don't want to be who I was anymore. But I don't know who I am now."

"Who were you?" she asked.

"The school bitch."

"Why?"

"Now that is a very complicated question," I sighed. "I don't know. Jealousy. Attention-getting. Armor."

"Armor?" she asked.

"It was easier to be bitchy than depressed."

"Ah," she said. "But now you're depressed, aren't you?" I nodded. "And I don't think the jealousy and the desire for attention have diminished, have they?" I nodded no. "Why?"

"Aren't you supposed to tell me that?" I laughed.

"It's easier if you figure it out on your own," she smiled.

I thought, and then I admitted it. And it was a huge admission for me to make. "Why? Because I feel... unlovable."

"Why do you feel that way?"

"Because nobody loves me. Nobody ever has."

"Well, Mr. Tilling told me about all that's gone on, and he told me about your conversation with Cassie. She forgave what you did, Missy. I think she probably loves you."

I smiled at that. "OK, you might be right. Of course, I almost destroyed that friendship, but you're right. We're still a little strained right now, but it's fixable."

"Good. There's one. What about your parents?"

"My parents don't love me," I asserted. "I'm a front. I'm a front for their marriage, which is littered with affairs, on both sides. I'm a front for their happy leaders-of-the-town lifestyle. I'm expected to be the dutiful daughter, and be a credit to the Jenkins name, and not embarrass them, and that's it. Love doesn't even factor into the equation."

Ellie sighed. "OK. I suspected that might be the problem. Look, what I'm about to say is probably very unprofessional of me, but I know your parents. Everyone in town does. If they treat you like they treat other people, I'm not surprised you have a problem with them." I looked at her in shock. You mean, somebody in this town got it? She smiled. "I don't know if you know this or not, but your father hates my guts."

I cracked up laughing. "Oh, you should've seen him this morning. It was bad enough that a Jenkins actually stooped to seeing a shrink. But when he found out it was you? The veins in his temple started to throb. Oh, they were not happy. Dad told me your theories are controversial, and you screw kids up."

"What did you say to that?"

"I told them that if your son was any evidence, I'd like to be that screwed up."

She smiled at me. "That might be one of the nicest compliments I've ever gotten. Thank you."

"You're welcome," I beamed. "But it's true. I could scour Westport High in vain to find anyone that doesn't like Mike. Even I like him. And I don't like anybody."

"I think, deep down, you like more people than you realize. It's just that your treatment of them hasn't always borne that out. You like Cassie."

"Yeah, I do."

"And, Mr. Tilling told me to ask you about David."

I looked up with a start. "David?"

"Mr. Tilling thinks that it's important that you talk to me about David. Now, I don't know why. So you have to tell me."

"David's my program partner. He's the one who took me to the nurse when I was assaulted. He also got in between me and another guy on Wednesday and got a black eye for his trouble. This is a guy who hated me and, on Monday, told Mr. Tilling he didn't want to have anything to do with supporting me. But, as soon as I got in real trouble, there he was. He hasn't left." I took a deep breath. "And I have never felt about another guy the way I feel about him. I don't know what it is, but it's almost overwhelming."

"Is it just gratitude?"

"No," I said. "Sure, that's there, but that's not all it is." I grinned. "I repaid him for his services, anyhow. I gave him a handjob on his couch Wednesday."

She cracked up laughing at that. "Has anything else happened?" I told her about him repaying the handjob yesterday morning, the picture, him asking me out, and the kiss yesterday afternoon.

"You posed in art class? That took a lot of guts."

"Hey, they wanted to draw a fat girl. So I let them."

She glared at me. "You obviously liked Natalie's drawing of you." I nodded. "Did Natalie draw a 'fat girl'?"

"No," I admitted. "She didn't draw a skinny girl, but she didn't draw a fat girl."

"Yet, she drew you."

"Artistic license," I laughed.

"I know Natalie Weinberg's drawings, so don't try to pull that on me," she scolded. "Natalie draws what is."

I thought about that for a minute, and said, "It took my breath away. I looked like a goddess. OK, a slightly rounded goddess. Not fat, but slightly rounded. But a goddess nonetheless." I took a breath. "That picture is hanging on Dave's wall-if it's not now, it will be soon, Nat's mounting it for him. But he's putting that picture on his wall. That scares the living shit out of me."

"You like Dave," she said simply. It wasn't a question. I just nodded. "Why does that scare you?"

"Because I don't know how he feels. He hated me four days ago. How can that change so quickly?"

"Because you have? Missy, if he hated you, he wouldn't be hanging a sultry nude drawing of you on his wall. Especially one done while you were thinking of him. He wouldn't have asked you out. He wouldn't have kissed you. Helping you out when you were in trouble? Yeah, he wouldn't have had to like you to do that, he would've just had to be a nice guy. But the rest? You only do that stuff to and for and about people you like."

"I guess I'm afraid he won't like me when he finds out what I'm really like."

"We started this conversation with you telling me you didn't know who you were. So why do you assume the bitchy Melissa is what you're really like? It's not. It's, like you said, armor, a defense mechanism. Do you really want to be that person anymore?"

"No," I said.

"Then don't. Melissa, you need to cultivate relationships. You need to figure out who cares about you, and that's where you direct your energies. Cassie cares about you. David does, too. Start there. Figure out why they care about you. There's a reason. And you know what it is-they see through all the crap. David's seen the real Missy all week, because having the bad experience you've had in The Program wore your defense mechanisms down. Cassie's been your friend for years, so she's seen the real Missy, too. Look for validation in people who reaffirm the good things about Missy. And those that don't, avoid them. Or, if you can't avoid them, ignore them." She was talking about my parents, and we both knew it.

"You know why your father hates me?" she said. I nodded no. "Because one of my big theories is that adolescents have rights, even when those rights conflict with the desires and wishes of their parents. Now, this is very contrary to the pro-parental-rights movement that's flared up in this country the past few years. But I've seen too many damaged kids in this office, and by far most were damaged by parents. If you were being abused, I could get you out of that house. But you're not."

"No, I'm not, and sometimes I feel like a big fat crybaby," I admitted. "I could have it worse."

"Yes, you could, but you're not a crybaby. Everybody deserves to be loved, Missy. You're not unlovable. It might just be that your parents are incapable of love, did you ever think of that?"

When I left Ellie's office, I had a lot to think about. And she told me I could come see her anytime. I think I might take her up on that.

I got back to school, undressed-alone, for a change--and went to Mr. Tilling's office. It was about 10 minutes before the end of second period, so he told me to just wait for the bell and go to third period. With 10 minutes to kill, I did something very impulsive.

I went to the school nurse and got the birth control shot.

I'd never even thought of doing that before! And I wasn't quite sure why I was doing it now! Was I going to try to get David into bed?

Well, maybe.

Anyhow, I got the shot, and then put it out of my mind. At least I didn't have to worry if I did decide to get David into bed. Of course, now I didn't have an excuse to chicken out, either. I just couldn't stop thinking about his hand between my leg yesterday.

Anyway, since I missed the beginning of school, and second period, I didn't see David before lunch.

"Hey," he said as I plopped into the seat across from him. "How'd your appointment go?"

"Good. Very good. She gave me a lot to think about that I kind of have to sift through, but it was good."

"That's good. Uhm, are we still on for tonight?" He looked so worried! What, did he think I was going to see Ellie, revert to bitchy Missy, and cancel the date? I must admit, though, it was flattering how worried he looked!

"Of course we're still on for tonight!" I said. He gave me a relieved smile. "Look, can I ask you a question? How do you feel about me?"

He looked at me intently, and sighed. Then he said, "Well, you know I didn't think much of you before this week. But, I don't know. Maybe I'm wondering if that wasn't really you. Or something. This is hard to explain. But the Missy I've seen this week-well, I like you. A lot. I don't know much beyond that, but I like you. I wouldn't have asked you out if I didn't."

"Thank you," I grinned at him. "I like you too, you know. And I'm sorry for baiting you, but I really needed to hear you say that right now."

"Good, then I'm glad I said it," he grinned back. Just then, the gang joined us.

"How'd it go with Ellie Kirkland?" Cassie asked.

"Good. Very good," I told her.

"I'm glad. Listen, if you weren't doing anything tonight, maybe we could get together?" Oh, no, why tonight? I really wanted to repair my relationship with her, and I wanted to get together, but not tonight! "And, I was thinking, maybe Frankie could join us. And Dave, if he wanted to. We could all go do something."

I almost laughed, but managed not to. "Actually, Dave and I have a date tonight," I grinned.

"Why, did you want to double?" Dave asked.

Cassie burst out laughing. "Frankie, we're too slow on the ball, it seems. No, this is your first date, right?" I nodded. "Nope, we'll find something else to do. You two go out, have a good time, we'll double some other time."

Frankie was grinning from ear to ear. "Some matchmakers we are, huh? The intended targets beat us to the punch!"

That's when it dawned on me-and Dave, too, as we looked at each other and started laughing. "You guys were trying to set us up?" I laughed.

"Yeah," Cassie said. "We didn't know what was going on yesterday, and with all that talk of payback and other crap, we didn't know if you two were actually going to get together on your own or not. So, we decided to give you two a push. Not knowing that it wasn't needed," she grinned.

"No, it wasn't," I giggled. "But thank you. It was a very sweet thought."

"You're welcome," she smiled.

Dammit. Ellie Kirkland was right. She was so right.

I had to do something. I couldn't say it, not now. I'd never be able to get it out. So, I wrote it. After Cassie left the lunch table, I grabbed a piece of paper, and wrote her a little note. On the way to biology, I slipped it in her locker, knowing she stopped there after the next period. It said:

Cass,

Thank you for being my friend, even after all the shit I've pulled. It means more to me than you'll ever know, especially right now. I love you. Missy

After Bio, I walked past her locker. Not close enough for her to see me, but I could see her. I saw her reading it. She was crying. And I got out of there before I started.

Chapter Twenty - David

She seemed different, somehow, when I saw her at lunch. More at peace, yet more apprehensive at the same time, if that's possible. But when I told her that I liked her, a lot of the apprehension went away.