Part 4: Thursday

Chapter Twelve - Natalie

I haven't ever been more confused than I was Wednesday night.

First, I told him everything. He understood, and said words I was dying to hear. Then he took me to his house and gave me the experience of my life. He wasn't treating me like a friend. He was treating me as more than that. Honestly, I loved it. There was something between us-I could feel it, and thought he could, too.

Then I overheard part of what he said to Mike. Not all of it, but I heard "can't get emotionally involved" and then I heard the name "Annie".

And, then, on the ride home, he was noticeably distant from me.

I got home depressed. I tossed and turned myself into a fitful sleep. When I woke up, I was less depressed than I was angry.

Look, I said I was a ticking time bomb. And here he was, seemingly drawing me deeper into him-and then pushing me away. I saw what was coming-the big brush-off. Probably this morning. And I was so tired of people who I cared about letting me down.

As I walked to school, I calmed down a little bit. Ed's not an asshole. I knew that. He had a reason. What I needed to do was find out what it was, and see if I could get around it. But I was still-you know-peeved.

OK, I had fallen-and fallen hard. This guy was everything I ever wanted. Patient, kind, understanding, smart, loving, funny. And he even liked my kind of movies. He was a true and loyal friend. He was even cute. I had a little daydream in the car yesterday, on the way to the Mariner-before everything started to come apart. It was of he and I watching Casablanca in the dark, cuddled up under a blanket, snuggling-and then making mad love after it. I NEVER daydream about sex. I mean it. That was the first. The first time I ever thought of it as something potentially other than a disaster.

And, to be honest, I never dreamed about watching old movies with anyone other than my lonesome, either.

If he was going to wreck that daydream, I at least needed to know why.

I got to the parking lot, sat down, and waited. He pulled up in front of me a few minutes later. I walked right over to his car and got in.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi. We need to talk," I said without preamble.

"I know. We do. Look, Nat, I don't think I can be who I think you want me to be."

There it was-but I wasn't having it, not yet. I drew on my peevedness. "Yes, you can, but we'll talk about that later." He looked at me in surprise. "That's not what I want you to talk about right now. This is what I want you to tell me: who's Annie?"

All the color drained from his face. "What?" he squeaked.

"I overheard you and Mike last night. It wasn't intentional, you were being loud at one point. I didn't hear a lot, but I heard you say you couldn't get emotionally involved-obviously talking about me-and then I heard the name Annie." I took a breath. "Let's get it right on the table. I have strong feelings for you. And if you try to deny you have strong feelings for me, you're lying. If this Annie person is what's coming between us exploring those feelings, I have a right to know who she is. Look, Ed, you know how inexperienced I am. I've never felt this before. Do you know how hard it is for me to give in to it? And you refuse to-because of Annie. So, who's Annie?"

He took a deep breath. "OK. You do have a right to know." Another breath. "Anna Magdalena Zipelski, if you want to get technical. Her dad, who died when she was five, was Polish," he smiled. "Known by all as Annie; and known sometimes, by me, as Zippy-that was my pet nickname for her." I giggled at that. He smiled, and then got serious again. "We met in middle school, sixth grade. She was immediately part of my regular crowd. The group that's still my regular crowd. We didn't know Jared well then, and Lily didn't even live here-she lived in Boston until this past Christmas--but the rest of us were a gang even back then. Me, Mike, Amanda, Frankie, Maggie, Michelle Ingemi, a couple others. And, back then, Annie."

"We were friends for three years. I told you what happened freshman year with Marcia Ryerson." I nodded. "Well, after that, I guess Annie decided she wanted to comfort me. We got closer. About this time freshman year, I asked her out. She eagerly accepted."

"The first two months were bliss, absolute bliss. She was cute, vivacious, outgoing, and we had a great time. As you'll find out, that was all a cover for some serious pain-but she dealt with pain differently than you do-she put on a happy face. I didn't know it was just a face at the time. In fact, maybe it wasn't-I think, for me anyway, it was genuine. Anyhow, we quickly discovered we were in love with one another, and it just got better. At the end of those two months, we made love for the first time. She was only my second. I was her first-so I thought at the time. I guess in any meaningful way, I really was her first. But I'm getting ahead of the story. Anyhow, we made love-and it was incredible. I talk about how much I like neat, unemotional sex with friends, but that's because I try to drive Annie out of my mind. I won't lie about it now-sex with Annie was glorious."

"It was exactly three days after that that all hell broke loose. We were alone, and we were kind of fondling, when I tried to put my hand down her pants. She stopped me. Said we couldn't do that today. OK, that was fine with me, I figured she had her period, right? She told me later that she thought about telling me that she did-but, she said, in the back of her mind, she wanted someone to figure it out. So she told me, no, she wasn't on the rag. No, I hadn't hurt her three days ago. No, she actually was in the mood. So, why was she stopping me?"

"She told me she was stopping me because she didn't want my hand in her pussy when someone else's cum was in there." I gasped at that. "Yeah, that's pretty much what I did. The world stopped. I thought I had another Marcia Ryerson. But I was wrong. I asked her, in a tone of horror, if she was cheating on me. And she looked at me with those big brown eyes and said, 'Is it cheating if I don't have a choice?'"

"My stomach sunk to my toes, and I asked her-not really wanting to know the answer-whose cum was in her pussy. And she looked up at me and said, 'Tom's'."

"Tom was her stepfather."

"Oh my God," I said. "Her stepfather..."

"Raped her," Ed finished. "Repeatedly. When she finally got it all out, it turned out this had been going on since she was twelve. And she decided she couldn't live with it anymore. She needed an out. She needed to talk to someone. She had told her mother, but her mother hadn't believed her, or so she said. So, she trusted me, so she dumped it on me."

"Oh, man," I said. "First her, then me. You must feel like the King Dumpee."

"That part I didn't mind, not even from her," he smiled. "I was furious, of course, and worried, and upset-but I'm glad she chose me to tell. I felt honored that she trusted me with it. You too," he smiled at me.

I smiled back, but then got serious. "What did you do?"

"I convinced her to talk to Ellie, Mike's mom. It took some doing, but I convinced her. She knew that going to Ellie-for something like that-meant it was going to have to be reported. She knew it would break up her family. That's what had kept her from doing it for over two years. But she had had enough. She knew I'd insist she see Ellie."

"She did, and Ellie reported it. The problem was, it was her word against his. And, we found out, the mother would back him up-turns out she knew all along, but turned her back. She let this monster abuse her daughter to keep her marriage together."

"Oh, Jesus," I said.

"That devastated Annie, worse than when she just thought her mother didn't believe her. So, it was her word against theirs-and admitting she had made love with me didn't help. But the cops, and Ellie of course, did believe her, so they did the best they could. The bastard had a set schedule of when he raped her, if you can believe that. So, they used her as bait. They caught him in the act."

"He got arrested, as did the mother. Later on, both of them went to jail for a good long time. Anyhow, Annie got sent to foster care, and they found her a nice family here in town. For the next month, I spent most of my time holding her as she cried. I didn't touch her other than that-didn't seem like she was ready for that. I was just there for her as much as I could be."

"That's not the end of the story," I said.

"No. After about a month, she came over to my house, and broke up with me. She said she needed to stand on her own two feet, she was leaning on me too much, that she needed to become independent. It made absolutely no sense to me. I tried to talk her out of it, but I couldn't. I told her that I could back off, let her stand up for herself more, that I thought I was doing the right thing-but that, if I wasn't, we could work it out. She said no, that it would never work, that I was too tied up in 'rescuing' her from her stepfather. She said she'd be eternally grateful to me for that, but she needed to get away from it."

"Shortly thereafter, I heard she was going out with Rocco Santelli. Rocco was a senior when we were freshman-so, he was three years older. Plus, he was the male Maggie Benson of his class. You think I have a reputation as a pussyhound? Rocco was the king pussyhound. And my one true love was with him. I confronted her, and asked her why, and she said she just wanted to have fun. And I wasn't fun, I was too bound up in pain."

"Ed," I interjected, "you said you guys had sex once and it was fantastic." He nodded. "And after you found out about what had been going on all along, remember, you didn't touch her. That time with you was probably the only time in her life she ever felt good about sex. And then you stopped touching her, and she wanted to be touched. She probably thought you thought she was dirty. Look, I know all about finally having a fantastic physical experience after a few brutal ones, after yesterday. That explains Rocco."

"Yeah, and I know that now. But then, it didn't make much sense." He sighed. "Anyway, shortly after Rocco, she was taken in by her aunt and uncle-this is her late father's sister and her husband-and she moved to Newburgh. And I haven't seen her since."

"You don't even hear from her, or about her?" I asked.

"She writes me regularly, once a month. She started about four months after she left."

"So, you do know how she's doing."

He looked down. "I've never opened one of her letters. I send them back return to sender. She keeps sending them, and I keep sending them back." He looked up with a wan humorless grin. "It's almost a habit by now."

"Don't you want to know?" I asked.

"Yes and no."

"What if she wants you back?"

"There's too much water under that bridge."

"Yeah," I said. "But you're still carrying a torch for her."

"No, I'm not," he said. "I'm still carrying a hole in my heart. There's a difference."

"There's not much of a difference if you're the person trying to fix the hole," I said bitterly. He looked at me in surprise. "Look, you don't think I have holes in my heart? Come on. It's riddled with them. You were betrayed by a girlfriend-I am continually betrayed by my mother. Look, what happened to Annie was horrific-and what she did to you, while explainable-she must have still been in shock and very confused-wasn't nice, either. But you can't keep doing this to yourself."

I took a breath. "I recognize the need to heal my wounds. I also recognize the need for help doing so. I thought you were the person to help me. And, now that I know, I'd certainly be willing to help you as much as I'm able. Look, I understand part of what Annie said to you. I understand the need to stand on my own two feet. However, do you know how long I've already been doing that? I don't want you to carry me. But I'd like someone-you-walking along side. I'd like a shoulder to lean on."

"I'm not Annie. Ed, listen to me-I am not Annie! For one thing, I'm older, and better able to deal with things. For a second thing, what's happened to me isn't nearly as bad. For a third thing, I dumped my tale of woe on you before there was anything really between us-it was starting, it's still starting, but it's not like we've known each other for three years and been going out for two months. Do I feel gratitude towards what you've done? Of course I do. But that's the gratitude for the friendship you've offered me. What happened in your bed last night-that wasn't friendship. That was something more. And you know it."

"You make me feel things I never thought I'd feel. That didn't happen because I'm grateful, or because you're a nice guy with a good Samaritan streak. It happened because there's something between us! I was willing to explore it-I wanted to explore it. I daydreamed yesterday about having sex with you. I have never daydreamed about having sex, ever. More like nightmares. But I daydreamed about it with you."

He was sitting behind the wheel of his car, looking at me in abject shock. "Look, this is the bottom line. What Annie did to you broke your heart. But if you don't take a chance on us-because I know, that deep down in your heart, you want to-you'll be breaking my heart. And my heart can't take much more damage. Furthermore, if you're really truthful with yourself, you'll be breaking your own heart-which also has enough damage."

"You need to think about that. You can take a chance, or you can bury your feelings. I know what I choose. I'm sick of burying my feelings. Maybe you should be, too."

"It was two years ago, Ed. You can't hide forever."

With that, I opened the door and got out of the car, and walked away. Crying my ever-loving eyes out. He was still in the car. I'm not sure he could move.

As I walked away I felt... numb. And I was so tired of feeling numb. Look, that kind of outburst is not me. I was trying to shock him. I put things on the table I didn't think I was capable of.

And I didn't know if it would work. And if it didn't?

I didn't even want to think about that.

Chapter Thirteen - Ed

When she left the car I had two things running through my head.

The first was, "I can't deal with this."

The second was, "I can't believe she had the guts to do that!"

I needed help. I needed Ellie.

Fuck school. I walked to Mike's house, meeting him at the door. "Hey, what's up?" he said.

"Is your Mom around, and does she have a client right now?"

"Yes and no," he laughed. "I don't think she has anyone today, I think she was going to work on her next book."

"You think she'd spare a minute for me?"

"Sure." He led me back in.

"Aren't you going to school?" Ellie said as we walked in to the kitchen.

"I am," Mike said, "But Ed needs to talk to you."

"You're a psychologist registered with the school, you can give me a note," I joked.

"Is this a business call?" Ellie said.

"Yeah," I admitted.

"Sit down," she said, pointing to the kitchen table. Mike said bye to us and took off. "You want a coke?"

"Yeah, Ellie, thanks."

She got me one, and one for herself, then sat down across from me at the table. "OK, Ed, what's on your mind?"

"There's this girl, my partner in the program. Natalie Weinberg."

"Mike's mentioned her. Says you've done a lot for her."

"Yeah, but things have gotten very complicated." I told her everything. Starting from Natalie's revelations yesterday morning, to what had happened yesterday afternoon, to what had been said today. She listened-interrupted once or twice with a question, but mostly listened. She was good at that.

"Oh, Eddie," she said with a sad smile when I was done, "you never get the easy ones, do you?"

"No, I leave those to Mike. The man with the ultimate in low-maintenance girlfriends," I laughed.

"Well, Lily's a bit more high-maintenance than that. She needed reassuring that she could be accepted by a guy while still being a bit of a 'guy' herself. But, you're right, outside of that, Lily's pretty low-maintenance, from what I can see. There's not a whole lot of angst in that relationship." She looked at me. "But you wouldn't ever be attracted by someone like Lily, would you?"

"Romantically? No, you're right. Don't get me wrong, Lily's one of my five favorite people in the universe, but just as friends. I guess I like to be needed."

"Natalie obviously needs you. Then what's the problem?"

"The day when she stops needing me, and discovers nothing else is there. That's my quandary. I'd be better off if I were attracted to Lily-types."

"Is that all that's there for you?" she asked. "Her needing you?"

"No. Hell, Ellie, she's an old film buff! Do you know how cool that is? The first time I touched her, I didn't tell you about, we were just cuddling. It was Tuesday night. You know what I was doing? Showing her Singing In The Rain, which she'd never seen. And there's more. There's a lot more-she's kind and sympathetic herself, despite her upbringing. She's got a fire that comes out, I saw it this morning. I was sitting listening to her diatribe, and found myself liking her more. She's smart as a whip. And-I'll admit it-there's a definite physical attraction there. No, it's not just that she needs me."

"Then why do you think that what she feels is only need?" she asked, and then waved her hand. "That's a stupid question. Annie."

"Annie," I agreed.

"Ed, let me ask you a question. Two years down the road, do you think all Annie had for you was need?"

"No. Hell, we were going out for two months-and friends long before that-before any of the shit hit the fan, you know that."

"I wonder if Annie now realizes that," she said. I looked at her. "Look, I think, at some point Annie did realize that. It was too late, of course, but Annie had to have known, deep down in her heart, that there was more to her feelings for you than that. She got confused at the moment, is all. I know what she told you, that you were too bound up in it. That's valid for a fifteen-year-old at a moment of extreme pain like the one she was living in."

"What's your point?" I asked.

"The point is that Annie made a mistake. You know it. I watched you two and I know it. And I'd bet the proceeds from my latest book that, sometime in the last two years, she figured it out. She made a mistake. And you've spent the last two years haunted by her mistake."

"Ed, what happened to you and Annie wasn't your fault. It wasn't because you're too kind, or too generous, or too much of a good Samaritan. It wasn't because you did anything wrong. It was because a young girl living through utter hell made a mistake. That's all it was."

"Look, she boiled down your relationship to one of simply need after you found out, because she was confused. She probably did rely on you too much in those weeks-which made her more confused. Remember what she was going through. Remember the look on her face the day she found out her mother was in on the whole thing. If dumping you was the biggest mistake she made-she did OK for someone going through what she was going through. I know that doesn't help you much," she said with a sympathetic smile.

"But I saw you two before that happened. That was genuine love, from both sides. She forgot that afterwards-but, like I said, that was her mistake."

"So, Ed, tell me-why would you think Natalie would make the same exact mistake? And, furthermore, after what she said to you this morning, why on earth would you ever think that?"

Wow. Did I say she was good, or what?

"And furthermore, from what you tell me, I think-despite the fact that she's got some serious shit going on-that Natalie has a pretty good head on her shoulders. Keeping her nose to the grindstone in school shows some gumption and maturity and good smarts. Annie, at that point in time, did not have a good head on her shoulders. You know that, and you know why. Natalie's right, Ed-she's not Annie. Don't expect her to make Annie's mistakes."

"And as for you, Ed Bauer-you're my second son. I've known you since you were eight years old. Be happy, would you please? You haven't been happy since Annie, not really. Oh, I know, Mr. Jokes and all. And I know you adore your friends, and you adore your family, and you have a good social life and great hobbies and all. But you're not truly happy. I of all people can see that."

"Ed, you're a trusting soul. That's who you are. You can't stop trusting people because one person abused that trust-especially when that one person was very young and not in her right mind. Don't go looking for trouble where none exists."

I sat there and thought about that one for a minute. Then I got up and hugged her.

"Ellie, you're the smartest person in the universe, you know that?"

"You flatterer."

"That was no Eddie Haskell moment, that was genuine," I grinned.

"So, it made sense, then?" she asked.

"Ellie, you always make sense. What I'm going to do with your good sense is the question."

"Oh, you'll figure it out. And I think you'll do the right thing. Now, here, let me write you a note so Mr. Tilling doesn't have a heart attack."

She wrote me the note, and I got myself back to school. Went to see Mr. Tilling. He took the note-and looked at the reason with surprise.

"You having problems, Ed?" he asked.

"Needed someone to talk to, and Ellie's the best."

"Does this have anything to do with the uncomfortable position I put you in?" he asked.

"Somewhat," I smiled. "But don't worry about it. I think it's going to work out."

"Good." He gave me a note to get into class. "Get going."

I did-accounting had already started. I gave the teacher the note, and he waved me to my seat.

"Where have you been?" Natalie whispered as I sat down.

"Just something I had to take care of," I whispered back. The teacher shot us a look, so we quieted down.

Natalie pretty much avoided me after that. She didn't say much in the classes we shared. She ate lunch with us, but planted herself down the table from me with the girls.

I thought, all day, about what Ellie said. Did I have the guts to do this?

Anyhow, we got out of school, and went for our clothes at the entrance. She started walking away and I grabbed her.

"Listen, would you come to the baseball game?"

"I don't know," she said.

"I'd like to talk afterwards," I told her.

"Look, Ed, I said all I have to say this morning."

"I don't know if I did," I replied.

She drew herself up and stared into my eyes. "There's only one thing you have to say, Ed Bauer. Yes or no. I can't do this. I don't have the strength. I poured my heart out at you today, I can't do it again. There's nothing to talk about. Yes, or no, that's all."

"But, I don't know if..." I started.

"That's the problem! I can't deal with you not knowing! If you're going to break my heart, get it over with already!" She was almost frantic, and we were being stared at. She took a breath and calmed down. "Yes or no, Ed. I told you want I want. I told you what I need. Yes or no. That's all you have to say. Yes, or no."

Make a fucking decision, Ed, I said to myself. And you know what the only true decision is. So, I took her hands in mine, and said, "Yes, goddammit, yes! Yes!." She looked at me in utter shock. I laughed. "I don't even know what the question is, but if you're asking, then it's yes. OK? Yes." And then I kissed her. "Yes." I only wish I had a camera to take her picture then. I kissed her again. Then I dropped her hands. "I have to go play baseball," I said with a grin. And then I headed for the field, leaving her standing there.

Standing there in utter shock. But I saw, as I disappeared around the corner, the beginnings of a stunned smile forming on her lips.

Ellie'd be proud of me. I was proud of me. I was also terrified. But I couldn't say no. I just couldn't.

Thank God for baseball. I needed something else to think about for the next two hours.

Chapter 4teen - Natalie

Oh my God.

Did what I think just happened really happen?

I couldn't believe I had done what I just did. I stood up for myself. I practically attacked him-verbally-and didn't back down. In front of a whole parking lot full of people!

And he said yes.

Oh God.

I felt... giddy. Me. Giddy, of all things. And tingly. Oh God.

I headed towards the baseball field. I couldn't go home and leave things like this. Bought a ticket, went in. It was just then that it dawned on me that I was still nude. I really was getting used to this. Whatever, I had to be nude here, anyway.

I wandered through the stands in a stupor. I found Jared and Amanda and sat down next to them. Obviously, I had a dazed look on my face, because Amanda said, "Hi, Natalie. Are you all right?"

"Yeah. Fine. Better than that." I grinned at them. "I think I just asked Ed to go out with me. And I think he just said yes."

"You think?" Jared said, amused.

"It wasn't your normal conversation." I told them about what Ed had told me before school.

"Yeah, I knew all about Annie," Amanda said. "And I knew it still affected him."

"Well, I guess I lit into him a little bit," I admitted.

"You did?" Amanda said, surprised.

"Yeah. I was mad. I thought we really had a chance at something, and I thought he was going to blow it. So I told him, don't be an idiot. Then, after school, when he said he wanted to talk some more, I told him that I was all talked out, and the only thing I wanted to hear him say was yes or no." I blushed. "He said yes." I laughed. "I'm not sure either of us knows exactly what he said yes to, mind you-I was just winging it in the parking lot-but he said yes all the same."

"That's great. And funny," Amanda laughed. "I'm happy, for both of you. Well, as soon as you figure out what 'yes' means."

"I think we both have an idea," I grinned. "I amazed myself. I didn't think I had that in me."

"You've changed a lot in the past four days," Jared said. "The program will do that."

"Yeah, who woulda thunk it?" I laughed.

Amanda looked at me, suddenly serious. "I can't help this, Natalie. I have to say this. I knew Annie, she was my friend, too, back then-and Ed was one of my very best friends even then. I saw the whole thing from beginning to end." She took a breath. "And, I apologize, I have to say this. If you rake him over the coals, I will hunt you down and kill you."

I was taken aback by that, for a minute. She was dead serious. Then it dawned on me, just what that meant. And I said it. "Ed's a lucky guy to have such good friends," I smiled. And I meant it. Nobody was telling him not to rake me over the coals. Not that I thought for a second he would. But he really was lucky.

Amanda blinked, and grinned. "I thought you'd get mad at me. I just, you know, saw what he was like..."

"I know," I told her. "Look, it's OK. I'm not mad. Look, I don't know what the future holds. I think Ed and I are still figuring out what the present holds. But I'm not going to rake him over the coals. I promise." I thought for a minute. "Yesterday morning, I told Ed a few things about myself. Has he told either of you any of it?" They both said no. "I'm pretty sure he told Mike, and I'd expect that. I can't do it myself again, but I'll tell Ed he can say anything he wants to the two of you. And, if you know certain things about me, you might realize how hard this is for me. You also might realize that Ed means far more to me than either of you realize. You know his past, so you know how far out on the limb he went by saying yes to me."

"Right," Amanda said. "That's why I'm a bit worried."

"And I don't blame you. What you don't know is I went right off the limb."

"OK," she said. "I'll take your word for it. I know you had some serious problems, but I don't know what they were. But that's fine." She grinned. "I saw how you were looking at Ed last night. That's quite a reassurance."

"Was I really?" I laughed.

"You were glowing," Jared laughed.

"Oh, that. Well, yeah, OK, some of it was just general glowing at him. But the glowing was partially post-orgasmic. And my very first, at that."

"WHAT?" Amanda said, amazed and grinning. "You and Ed..."