Part 3: Wednesday

Chapter 8: Natalie

I managed to get by my mother right after Ed left-locked myself in my room. She eventually passed out.

I had a lot to think about.

I was still thinking the next morning, as I got ready for school. She was still passed out, thank goodness, so I had some peace and quiet. I got dressed, took my shower, made some eggs. And thought.

Ed was the first person I'd ever let in this apartment. Yeah, he was insistent, with all that chivalry bullshit, but I could've put my foot down. I didn't. I let him in here. And he saw good ol' Sharon Weinberg at her disgusting best. I must really trust him.

Now there's a thought to send a shiver down my spine.

I also thought back to what happened while watching the movie. He actually put his arm around me. I think I've already established that I don't like to be touched. I didn't mind his arm around me at all. I actually felt safe. Feeling safe is not something I'm accustomed to. It was very nice.

And, yeah, OK, he was right. That's one hell of a movie. I wonder what other good ones he has that I've never seen?

All this was swimming through my head as I prepared to walk to school. And, damn, it was raining. Not a lot, but enough to get me wet. I grabbed my umbrella and trudged off to school, an hour early.

Ed was there. He saw me coming, jumped out of his car, and started singing. Well, it was raining, what do you think he was singing? He even danced a little as I walked towards him. He's no Gene Kelly, but it was funny and sweet all the same.

"You're a nut, you know that?" I giggled.

"That's my job," he smirked. "Get in the car, we can talk there, out of the rain." I did, still giggling. I stopped giggling quickly.

"Are you OK? I was worried about you all last night," he said.

"This is strange. I am not used to people worrying about me. But I'm fine. I got away from her right after you left."

"Good."

"Ed, you've been so sweet. The past two days, you've done so much to try to help me. You've offered friendship. You even offered your friends' friendship. I'm kind of stunned. Nobody's ever done that for me."

"Natalie, you're a good person," he said.

"I try to be. I don't know how good I am. Sometimes I think I'm beyond help. But if you want to know the whole story, I think I need to unburden myself. And somehow, after only two days, I trust you."

"I'm glad," he said. "You tell me whatever you need to get off your chest."

I took a breath. "I've told nobody all this. Like I said, somehow I trust you." He nodded. "OK, I need to get this out all at once if I'm going to get it out at all. So don't interrupt me, please, OK?" He nodded again.

"My mother had me when she was seventeen. Why she didn't give me up puzzles me to this day. I have no idea who my father is. He took off. Ever since then, my mother's been trying to replace him."

"She works at Doc's. You know what that is?" Ed nodded. "It's a sleazy dive. She picks up men there. She's still trying to score 'the' guy, the one that'll get her out of the miserable existence she's confined herself to. If you're looking for a sugar daddy, Doc's sure ain't the place to get it. But maybe she picks up pocket change. I don't know for sure she's a whore, but I suspect it."

"You saw last night what she does on her nights off. She drinks herself into a stupor."

"She doesn't cook, she doesn't clean. I do all that. I even do the grocery shopping. I have been since I was ten or so. If I didn't, we wouldn't have any groceries. At least she gives me money for that. I don't get much money for much else. I've worked every summer. Plus, my grandparents left me a trust fund. Not much, but enough for clothes and stuff. They hated my mother for getting knocked up at seventeen, but, luckily, they didn't take it out on me. When they were alive, I had a bit of an oasis to go to. They're gone now. But they did leave me some money. And they made sure I could get into the trust fund at a young age, and made sure my mother couldn't get at it-their banker is my co-trustee. I use that to buy clothes, toiletries, stuff like that. If I didn't, I wouldn't have any."

"I think my mother figured out just as I entered puberty that she was getting too old and used up to use her body for a meal ticket out of the slums. So, that's when she decided I'd be a fine one. I lost my virginity at 15. She arranged it. He was thirty." Poor Ed gasped at that. "I don't know for sure if he paid my mother for the 'privilege', but I have my suspicions. Evidently, I wasn't good enough, because he never came back. I guess my screaming terror when he took my virginity scared him off. Mom just moved on to number two and number three-both older. Number four, I revolted. He was disgusting. I ran out of the car and ran home. I got a beating for that. Yes, she hits me."

"I strongly suspect she pushed me into The Program so I'd get scooped up by some kid with money. She tells me all the time how much men love my body, and how I have to use it, because that's all I have."

"All you have?" Ed said. "You're ranked seventh in the class! Oops, sorry, didn't mean to interrupt."

I smiled at him. "That's OK. My mother doesn't look at my report cards. A girl, making it on brains? Completely doesn't get the concept. All girls have is a body. I told her the other night that she just thinks I'm as dumb as a rock because she is. I got slapped for that, too. Anyway, that's her thing-your body is all you got, so sell it to the nearest bidder. Lily Woodard would really blow her mind, huh?" Ed managed a grin at that.

"Amanda asked me yesterday why I freeze up when I get touched. This is why. I've had it drummed into my head for so long that my body is to be used for men's pleasure that the programming kicks in, even though I know intellectually that it's bullshit. This is why I'm scared of my own shadow. This is why I hated parading my body around naked. Ed, I don't even play with myself. I can't. I used to, a little, before I lost my virginity. I think I'm frigid. Amanda told me she liked it when guys played with her while she was in the program. I get no pleasure out of it-just pain and disgust. And I don't know how to fix it. I don't even know if I can. I might be too brainwashed."

"So, that's Natalie's story. The child of a drunk irresponsible whore, who's been encouraged since puberty to whore herself. I have no friends, I have no life. The only thing that keeps me going is that seventh in the class thing. A college scholarship-that's my only hope. I think my grades are good enough. Grandpa's trust fund isn't enough to pay for college, I need the scholarship. That's the only way I get out of this."

"Now you know why I love Bogie, and Hepburn, and why some of that trust fund and my summer job money goes to videotapes. Because it's my escape-my only one. For two hours, I can live in another world-and forget about mine."

"So now you know."

Chapter 9: Ed

What do you say to that? I mean, what do you say to that? My God.

It wasn't as bad as the story I heard from Annie Zipelski on that day two years ago, but it was close.

I started with what I had told Annie on that day. "Natalie, I think you need to talk to someone."

"I just did," she managed a smile.

"Yes, but I'm talking about a professional."

"I can't. I just can't. For one thing, the poor excuse for health insurance my mother gets at Doc's wouldn't cover it. For another thing, I just can't. For one thing, it'd end up in child protective services."

"Wouldn't that be a good thing?" I asked.

"No, it wouldn't. Foster care? At my age? Ed, I have a little over a year and I can get out of here. I can hold on for that long."

"OK," I said, "but if you change your mind, I can arrange it-and I don't think, in this case, money would be a problem. I told you I love Mike's mom, Ellie. She's a child psychologist, specializing in adolescents, and she's a good one. Written books and everything. And I think she can take you as a client and avoid protective services, for someone of your age-I can check with her, without revealing any details of course. But it might help. You might even just want to talk to her informally. I can arrange that, too. There's nobody better."

"I'll think about it," she said. "Now that you know, what do you think?"

"I think you're incredibly brave," I said.

"Brave? ME? If I was brave, I wouldn't be living in a shell."

"If you weren't brave, you wouldn't be living. Like I said, my best friend's mother is a psychologist. I know quite a bit. And I know teenagers commit suicide every day with a lot less reason that you have."

"I never thought of it like that," she said. "I suppose you're right. I guess it's hard to think of yourself as brave when you dread getting out of bed in the morning."

"I can understand that," I said.

"I'm glad you think I'm brave, though. I thought, after you knew, you might, you know..."

"What?"

"You know... think I'm..."

"What, you thought I'd think less of you?" I asked. She nodded. "That's nuts. Completely nuts. I like you, Natalie, I think you're great. What your mother is doesn't change that."

"Thanks," she whispered. "That means more to me than you'll ever know."

"Your mother is why you don't make friends easily, isn't it?"

"Yeah," she admitted. "Ed, you're the first person I've ever taken to my apartment. Like I said, I must really trust you for some insane reason." She managed a smile at that.

"I'm just Mr. Trustworthy," I joked.

"Yeah. Anyhow, yeah, I didn't want anyone to know, so I avoided contact. Plus, remember Monday? Remember how I almost took your head off?" I nodded. "There's a time bomb inside me waiting to explode, I know that. That's the other reason I find it hard to get close."

"Well, you've got friends now. Me, and my cronies. Amanda thinks you're sweet."

"I know," she smiled. "It's made more of a difference than I ever imagined."

"I'm glad about that," I said. "Unfortunately, look at the time. We need to go up there and get nekkid."

"Yeah," she laughed. "Oh, well. Two down, three to go."

"Days?"

"Yeah," she grinned.

"Is it any better?" I asked her.

"You know what? Yeah, it is," she admitted. "Not good, mind you, but better."

We headed towards the school. And, as I watched her throughout the day, I realized-it was better. The only thing that wasn't better was the touching thing-and that worried me. But the rest was definitely better. We all ate lunch with her, and she really was loosening up. Look, sometimes it's simple. She made some friends. We took her out and she had fun. I took her home to see a great movie, and she had fun. Then I let her unburden herself on me. Sometimes little things make a difference.

I was glad, I really was. I liked this girl. That thought scared the living daylights out of me, but that wasn't important right now. I could deal with that when the time came.

But, still, there was the touching thing. It was painful to watch, every time. I don't know how someone can be so out of touch with their body. As I said, Ellie Kirkland is a psychologist, and she's got some definite ideas about sexuality, including teenage sexuality, all of which I agree with. And "be in touch with your body" is one of her favorite maxims. Another one is that if you've had a bad experience, or bad experiences, you need a good one-and as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the more the damage festers. Natalie had some serious damage festering. Ellie says that a good touch can do a whole hell of a lot to mitigate a bad one.

That's when I got an idea. It was insane. It was ridiculous. It was potentially dangerous, for her and for me. But if I did it right...

I had to try something. I just had to.

So, after school, I approached her.

Chapter Ten - Natalie

I wasn't lying to Ed. It was better. I was actually adjusting to being nude. Unbelievable.

Now, if only I could figure out a way to stop stiffening like a board every time anyone touched me.

I guess that's too much to ask.

Anyway, school was better than it had been. I liked Ed's friends, every one of them. They were fun and interesting. Amanda's one of the sweetest people I've ever met, and Lily is almost as funny as Ed. And Ed himself?

OK, I admit it. There were some very definite feelings developing there. I didn't know quite what they were, but they were there. Look, yeah, I know part of Ed's personality was that of a caretaker. A rescuer, a healer-hell, he has more of a maternal instinct than my mother. And I also won't deny that there was a very prominent part of me that just longed to be taken care of.

But that wasn't all. He made me laugh. We had a boatload in common, imagine that. He was easy to talk to, I found that out that morning. And, I'll admit it-when he had his arm around me the previous night, I felt a funny little twinge in the pit of my stomach. That was not something I was used to at all!

So, I had all this going through my head when we met up at the entrance after school.

"We have no baseball practice because of the rain. Are you busy right now?" he asked.

"No," I said.

"Will your mother freak if you don't come home?"

"Yes, but let her," I laughed. "If you keep me out long enough, she'll be at work before I show up."

"Good enough. Come on, let's get to my car."

"Aren't we going to get dressed?" I asked.

"No need for that. Come on!" He was walking to his car. No need to get dressed? What the hell was he up to?

I got in the car-nude, as was he-and looked at him and giggled, "What, do you want to watch Casablanca in the nude or something?"

"Oh, I've got better ideas than that," he grinned. I'll admit it, I winced. "Now, now, none of that. Remember what you said this morning? You trust me."

He was right. I did. So I smiled and said, "OK." We drove and then came to his house. I looked at him.

"Come on in," he said. "Nobody's home, Mom and Dad don't get home until after six."

OK, I thought. There's nobody home, he's taking me in, and we're both nude. Scared? I was terrified. I did trust him, but this was scary-moreso when he took me to his bedroom.

"You look like you've seen a ghost," he said when we got there.

"Ed," I gulped, "I'm not sure about this. I mean, did you want to... I can't, I mean..."

"This is not what you're thinking. I'm not planning on doing anything to abuse your trust. OK?"

"OK," I said tentatively.

"Lie down on the bed. On your side, facing away from me." I just looked at him. "I just love how trusting you are," he joked.

I laughed, but then said, "You're asking a lot from me."

"I know. But it will be all worth it. I promise."