Chapter 1

I am a single mother, and I work a normal 40-hour week as an office manager. While I'm certainly not "poor," I do strive to be extra diligent about doing a good job, and I work very hard for my money. Consequently, I don't really have time to waste in the dating scene. It's not that I don't think about men or have romantic and even sexual thoughts - I do, of course. It's just that, until recently, that part of my life has not really surfaced in the eight years since my last serious lover left.

We'd dated for a number of months in my last year in junior college, and we just sort of let the relationship die when we graduated. He went off to college, and I entered the unfulfilling wasteland of office work. But shortly after I graduated and started working, I discovered that I was pregnant. I did not seriously consider an abortion, having grown up in a pretty solid evangelical Christian home. I knew I had made a terrible mistake by allowing myself to get pregnant. Fortunately, my parents were incredibly supportive and suprisingly non-judgmental, but they did kind of press me to contact the father and try to get support from him. It was at that time that I found just how much of a jerk the guy really was. He, of course, denied that the child was his. Furthermore, he accused me of having had a one-night stand with someone. My parents thought about getting a lawyer to file for paternal support, but I was so frustrated, embarrased and upset with the whole thing that they eventually let it slide.

So it was that my beautiful son, David, came into the world and into my life. And for the past seven years, he has been my best little friend and helper. I know from talking with some of my fellow workers just how dreadful some little boys can be. But David is almost always a well-behaved and respectful child. While he can be pretty shy around strangers, he always seems pretty open and outgoing around me. That's probably why it seemed a little odd to me when his usual relaxed - even playful - mood around me seemed to change to the quiet, shy mood he generally reserved for strangers.

It was about two months ago when I first noticed the change in his behavior. He and I had watched a little television, and then I turned off the TV and we started in on his homework. After about an hour of second- grade math and social studies work, he was getting a little silly - giggling about almost anything. When he gets that way, I usually say something to the effect of, "All right, little Tiger! Looks like somebody is ready for their bath!" That's usually followed by a few pleas to stay awake. This time was no different, but I managed to get him to head off to the bathroom, and within a few minutes, he had the tub filled and was taking his bath. While he was in the bathroom, I changed into my night shirt and slippers, then I headed into the kitchen to clean up the evening's dishes.

After about twenty minutes, I heard the drain gurgling, and shortly thereafter he emerged from the bathroom - wrapped in a towel - and headed toward his room to put on his night shirt and get ready for bed.

I finished loading the dishwasher and headed to my bedroom. When I got there, there was David laying on my bed waiting for me to read him a Bible story - something I try to do every night (but don't always manage). His giggles had dissipated, but he still seemed to be in his typically good mood. I said, "Okay, Tiger, are you ready to finish the story about Queen Esther?" He smiled his wonderful little smile and said, "Yep!" So, I got his story Bible and laid down on the bed beside him.

As I read to him, he leaned in toward me and I casually stroked his hair. That usually relaxes him - sometimes to the point that he just falls asleep. I often just let him stay sleeping as I have plenty of room for the two of us in my bed. But that night he stayed awake, and he even seemed a little on edge. I finished reading to him and set the Bible aside, and I continued stroking his head, thinking maybe he'd relax. He did eventually stop his squirming, and he just laid against my side while I stroked his hair. I thought he had fallen asleep, but he hadn't. He was just strangely quiet and looking down. I asked if everything was okay, and he just nodded. I tried to think of what in the Bible story would have upset him or made him seem so reserved, but I couldn't think of anything. I asked him if he was ready to head off to bed, and he nodded and got up to leave. Normally he comes back around the other side of the bed and gives me a kiss goodnight, but he just headed straight for his bedroom. I was really suprised and a little worried, and I called out, "Hey! Don't I get a kiss?" He came running back into the bedroom to my side of the bed and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, then he turned to run back to his room. I wanted to make him tell me what was wrong, but I thought I should just let it go for now and see how he was in the morning.

Sure enough, the next morning, everything was fine! He was back to his delightful little self, and all seemed right with the world. That night I got distracted, and we weren't able to read from the story Bible. David just got his evening bath, and I tucked him in and headed off to bed. Everything seemed fine.

The next night, when he came into my room after changing into his nightshirt, he was anxious to hear another Bible story. I had changed into my nightshirt and was ready for bed, so he plopped down on the bed right next me, and I began reading. Everything seemed fine, and I began stroking his hair. It was after about four or five minutes of my stroking his head that I realized he'd become rather still. I glanced down to see whether he'd fallen asleep, but he hadn't; he seemed to be upset about something, again. I continued reading and stroking his hair, as I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable by confronting him about his mood changes. As I read, I noticed a slight twitching beneath David's night shirt. All of a sudden it hit me. David was getting an erection. My little boy was becoming aroused as I lay next to him stroking his hair! I was audibly shaken and became so distracted that I stopped reading for a moment. Then I realized I'd stopped caressing him. I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable, so I feigned not being able to pronounce a name in the story, and I returned to stroking his head.

So that's why he had been acting strangely, I thought. No wonder he hadn't wanted to come over to my side of the bed to give me a kiss the other night; he was too embarrased because he thought I might see his little erection. I felt so ashamed that I had caused my little boy such anguish. And I felt so sorry for him that I just wanted to hug him and caress him all the more and reassure him that he had nothing to be embarrased about.

I didn't know what to do next, so I just kept running my hand through his hair and reading from the book. His little penis was now pulsing against the thin material of his nightshirt, and it had to be obvious to him that I was aware of what was happening. My mind was racing, but there was just not anyway I could think of to broach the subject. I finally reached an appropriate stopping point in the Bible story, so I set the book on the nightstand, but I continued caressing David's head and laid my head back against the headboard. I thought if David saw that my head was not facing toward him, he'd be less likely to feel embarassed and might relax and even drift off into sleep. But the net effect seemed to be just the opposite, as he began squirming a little bit and wriggling himself against me. I realized that he was most likely getting even more excited and was probably nearing a climax.

Oh, what an awkward mixture of feelings and emotions I was facing! I was torn between feelings of shame and even guilt for sexually arousing my little boy and, on another side, I felt a need to just continue caressing him - almost feeling compelled to push him over the edge so that he'd have a climax and be done with it. Then maybe he'd relax and fall asleep. I loved my precious little boy so much, I just wanted to take away his frustration. And so I decided to continue to caress David, and he continued to squirm against me.

This went on for what seemed to be about two or three minutes - my caressing and his wriggling - until finally he just sort of froze for a moment and let out a little sigh. I continued caressing him for a while longer, my strokes a little slower than before. I glanced sideways down to where his little erection had been, and I saw that it was now just a small bump beneath his night shirt.

I waited a little longer, and then I reached over and hugged him, gave him a kiss on the top of his head, and said, "Well, little Tiger, I guess we'd better get some sleep, huh?" He just sort of smiled and said, "Okay. I love you, mommy!" I told him I loved him, too, and then I sent him off to his room. I was so relieved that his normal, happy mood had returned.

The next night was almost a complete repeat of the night before. I started to read and began caressing his head. Like clockwork, David's little penis began straining against the thin cotton material of his night shirt. Only this time, David didn't seem so embarrased. Nevertheless, when I realized what was happening, I thought I should stop caressing him so as not to contribute to his sexual arousal. But not more than a minute after I'd stopped, David interrupted my reading, saying, "It's okay if you want to rub my head like you were. I like it!" I didn't know what to do. If I started carressing him again, he would almost certainly have another orgasm. But I knew I couldn't withhold my motherly caresses from him without it seeming awkward. So I just smiled and began caressing his head.

Sure enough, his little penis began throbbing against his night shirt, and within a few minutes, he was wriggling against me. This time, though, he turned slightly sideways to face me. That brought his little penis right up against my hip! I was startled when I felt his erection pressed up against my side, but I tried to remain composed, and I continued reading as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Eventually, David began to kind of grind against me, more or less using my hip as a way to masturbate. I began to wonder what I should do when suddenly he slowed to a stop and let out the cutest little sigh. I just came to a stopping point in the story Bible, then I set the book aside. David was so relaxed he was nearly groggy. I kissed him goodnight, and he went contentedly to his room.

I realized I needed to figure out how to handle this. My little boy was only seven years old, and I was going to have to confront him about sexuality. I didn't think that sort of thing was going to occur for several more years.

I decided the best thing to do was to make certain David knew there was absolutely nothing wrong with his sexual feelings. I knew that only then would he feel comfortable talking about it with me. The problem was, how could I broach the subject without being direct. I knew that whatever I did, it had to appear to be natural and non-confrontational. I prayed that God would give me an idea and make me know when the time was right to bring it up.

That evening, we went through our usual routine getting ready for bed. We'd been teasing one another during his homework time, and he'd gotten the giggles. That normally dissipates after he's had his bath. But tonight was apparently a different affair, and he continued his playful, giggly behavior even after he'd crawled onto the bed. At some point, I reached down and gave him a little tickle in his ribs. That was the wrong thing to do, as he returned the favor right away - reaching over and tickling me in the stomach. That unleashed a huge tickle-fest, complete with squirming and rolling giggles from both of us as we attacked each other relentlessly! This culminated in David's falling off the side of the bed with feet kicking back and forth.

Apparently all the tickling had caused David to develop an erection, and this time I saw it in the open for just a quick second when he'd twisted sideways off the edge of the bed. I was shocked for a moment. I had seen my little boy naked many times before (though not in the last couple of years), but I'd never seen him with an erection. It was really a breath-taking sight, and I found myself almost in a daze for a second or two. Then I realized that this might be the answer to my prayer; if I could get him to accidently expose his erection again, it would be a natural way to bring up the whole subject I'd been dreading.

David lept back up on the bed ready for more tickling. Normally I would have said something like, "Okay, let's calm down now and get ready for bed," but I decided to continue tickling him - devilishly! He was really having a good time and was squirming back and forth as he rolled this way and that trying to get away from my tickling fingers. At one point, he was kicking his legs wildly, and that caused his nightshirt to ride up to just below his hips. Suddenly, I dove in for his underarms, and he arched his hips up into the air and twisted toward me. That was precisely what was needed! His little erection was now fully exposed and pointed right at me!

At last, I had my opportunity. I immediately stopped tickling and looked right at his little erect penis and exclaimed, "My! My! My! Looks like I've gotten you pretty excited!" I quickly followed that up with a disarming smile, but David had already reacted by blushing and reaching for the bottom of his nightshirt to tug it down. I let him do that, but then I said, "David, you don't have to feel ashamed about your penis."

"But it's hard," he said in a hushed tone, as if to clarify why it was somehow shameful.

"That's okay," I said. "That just means you're excited! That's a good thing - not bad. It's a gift from God!"

This latest statement seemed to cause him a little confusion, but I fully expected it would. You could see he was trying to rectify how anything sexual could be a gift from God.

"How come at school they said we weren't supposed to ever let anybody see us naked?" he asked.

"Well," I said, "they meant that you needed to be careful not to allow people to do things with you that you don't want to do. Some people might want to play with you - to touch your penis or make you touch their private parts - when you don't want to. That's wrong. That's what your teacher meant. Don't ever let anybody do anything with you that you don't like or that you know is wrong."

"Grown-ups, or kids?" he asked.

"Either one," I said. "You just need to be careful. But that doesn't mean that you should feel ashamed when your penis gets hard. That's a good thing - not bad. Do you understand?"

"Then how come we have to wear clothes," he asked.

The conversation was beginning to get a little more philosophical then I'd hoped. I wasn't sure how to answer him. I was obviously not prepared for this last question. "Well," I finally said, "clothes keep us warm."

"But what if it's hot outside," he quickly asked.

I was just digging myself in deeper and deeper. "Uh, well, people usually do wear less when it's warm - like in the summer," I said.

"But they still wear something," he said. "Why?"

"Well, because not everybody likes to see other people naked," I said.

"But I thought you said it was good to be naked," he said.

I'd obviously confused things for him. I was really walking a fine line with this whole conversation.

"No, what I said was that there is nothing wrong about you getting a hard penis," I said.

"But you said I shouldn't be ashamed to show you my penis," he said.

He had me there. That's exactly what I had said. I began to see how the whole discussion had turned into a talk about public nudity. I needed to clarify this for him; he needed to know that it was not appropriate to be naked in public, but also that he need never be ashamed about his sexual feelings or his body. I figured I'd jump backward in the conversation a little.

"Well, like I said before, some people do not want to see other people naked. That's why we need to wear clothes when we're around other people," I said. "But that's a whole different issue then your penis."

"Why?" he asked.

"Like I said before, your penis is nothing to be ashamed of. It's a gift from God," I reiterated.

"Even when it's hard?" he asked.

"Especially when it's hard," I said. "That means you're having a good time and you feel good. It's a beautiful thing!"

"Well, if it's beautiful, how come I have to wear clothes to cover it up?" he asked.

Arrrgghh! I was stuck in another circle.

"Because some people don't like seeing other people naked, David. So we have to wear clothes because we can't ever know for sure who might be offended by our being naked," I said.

"Are you offended, Mommy?" he asked.

"No, Tiger," I said. "You don't offend me at all."

"Even if I'm naked?" he asked.

"Even if you're naked," I replied with a reassuring smile.

"Not even if my penis is hard?" he asked.

"Nope," I said. "Not even when your penis gets hard."

With that, he reached down, grabbed the hem of his nightshirt, and yanked it up to his chest. "Like it is now?" he asked with a giggle.

There before me was my little boy, flashing the stiffest little penis I'd ever seen. It really was beautiful, and that's when I began to sense a slight sexual stirring in me - something I'd not felt in years. I was almost in a trance, and I just looked down at it and found myself whispering out loud, "Oh, it's beautiful!" I could the blood rushing to my head. It was as though I was becoming intoxicated with overwhelming sexual feelings I'd supressed for years. I'd never again wanted to make myself vulnerable to a man, but this was different. This was a little boy - my little boy! It just seemed so natural the way things were unfolding. I was so caught off guard by my feelings of lust.

"Do you ever touch your penis, David," I asked in an almost husky voice.

"When I go to the bathroom," he said. He seemed to sense a change in my demeanor, and I think it frightened him.

I tried to regain my composure and to clarify what I meant. "Yeah, but have you ever just sort of rubbed your penis up and down - just because it feels good?" I asked.

This seemed to confuse him a little, and I could tell by the look on his face that masturbation was not something he'd really experimented with yet. I thought that if I could introduce him to masturbation, he might be better able to relieve his sexual feelings and control his erections.

"What do you mean - up and down?" he asked.

"You know, just rubbing up and down on your penis. That might make you feel good," I said.

He still seemed to be confused, and his next statement took me by complete surprise, though I know it certainly shouldn't have.