Chapter 4: Frustration

"Nikki, come to me... Come to me... " a female voice implored.

Nikki couldn't say who was calling her so desperately. The girl's face would sometimes materialize in her mind, or dissolve in the next moment as mist on a sunny day. Nikki reached out for the other girl, but their fingers never touched, as if an invisible wall stood between them. Nikki screamed, calling for the girl, who resembled her in so many ways. Her heart beat faster, and she could feel the acid accumulating in her lungs and muscles, because the other girl kept falling and falling... away from her...

Nikki woke up, startled, confused, her eyes becoming acquainted with the darkness of her surroundings. She realized she was at the beach house, in her bedroom, and that she had had a bad dream. The other girl in her dream was Linda, she decided, as she stared at her sister. Linda was still sleeping, wearing her usual T shirt - she hated pajamas! - her long curls swept across her back. Linda's right leg was bent and naked, teasing the T shirt upward, and the sheet away from her body. Seeing this, Nikki became again excited with desire. The craving for Linda's kisses returned, making her lips dry.

Nikki recalled how Big Sis now avoided the slightest physical contact between them if they happened to be close together. If confronted with what had happened on Saturday evening, Linda reiterated that it wasn't right, that it had all been a mistake, her mistake. Nikki had tried to reason with her but Big Sis wouldn't stay and listen to her arguments.

The twins had ruined everything, especially Zoë. In spite of Zoë's big mouth, Linda had managed to prevent a major earthquake at home. As always, Big Sis got her own way, talking Zoë into silence - but for how long? The twins were still mad at them, although for different reasons. Jeannie was jealous of what Linda and she had, which was... nothing; and Zoë was jealous of what might happen between her twin sister and Linda, which was NOTHING, either.

Nikki shook her head, getting out of bed, discarding the feeling that their lives were turning into one of those TV soap operas she hated so much. Living the lives of others was not her idea of fun. She was a doer, not a dreamer... If she wanted something, she would do (almost) anything to get it. Linda had taught her to chase after her dreams and fight for her happiness. But what would Big Sis say about her daydreams right now?

Making as little noise as possible, Nikki washed herself and dressed, wearing her bikini under her beach shorts and her sleeveless, top-cropped T shirt. She went downstairs, turning on the lights of a deserted kitchen. It was 7:45 AM, too early even for Dad if he didn't have to leave for work. It was Spring Break and Dad had taken a few days off his busy-busy schedule to stay with his wife and kids. He was to leave on Wednesday as he had an important meeting waiting for him in Houston, Texas. Mom would then take off for Palm Springs with a friend of hers and, as usual, would only be back a couple of days later.

'Just as well, ' Nikki thought. 'At least we can do whatever we want.'

Spring Break ended next Sunday, Nikki realized as she walked out of the back door, breathing in the fresh air of a lovely morning. She stretched herself out in Dad's lawn chair, and at that moment she wished she had a pet, a dog or a bunny, something she could call her own. Mom wouldn't allow any living animal at home, though, because pets were messy and smelled.

Mom was commanding and stubborn as hell, and so was Linda. That's why Linda and Mom couldn't get along - they were too alike.

Nikki rubbed her tanned, slender legs, as a chill had run through her body. Although the morning was sunny and soothingly warm, she shivered now and then. Her hands rested on her thighs, while desire was oozing between her legs. She didn't care much for self-relief. It felt too selfish and lonely. There were, however, times when she couldn't resist it, bringing herself to a very satisfying orgasm. She hated to deal with the guilt afterwards, though. When she was just six Mom had caught her masturbating against Mr. Tom, her favorite teddy bear. Mom pulled her up and smacked her bottom, screaming at her in front of Anita about what a "bad girl" she was. Mom took Mr. Tom away and Nikki hadn't seen him since. Many years later Linda told her she shouldn't feel guilty about rubbing herself off. If she felt like it she should do it, and to hell with what Mom thought.

"And do you do it?" Nikki had asked.

"Yes, of course... Most folks do but won't admit it."

Linda squeezed her hand, assuring her it was OK what she felt. Notwithstanding Linda's assurances, Nikki was unable to shake off her uneasiness about masturbation. Mom's screaming and her public humiliation came back to haunt her and to ruin all the pleasure she had just experienced. The funny thing was that she didn't feel any guilt whatsoever about making love with Linda... No, on the contrary. She felt liberated, safe, and out of harm's way. Linda gave her strength, because Big Sis loved her. That Saturday evening Linda had told her so...

Her heart thumped harder. Nikki felt where her heart should be with her right hand and wondered whether she was falling in love with Linda. Linda... She was so beautiful, so strong... 'I love her, ' she realized, feeling sudden warmth in her cheeks, surprised by the depth of her feelings. But Linda was her sister... How could she feel this way? How could she?

Nikki heard the back door opening and shutting. It was Dad, wearing his red turtleneck, which clashed visibly with his oversized khaki shorts. Puffing at his pipe, he greeted her and asked how she felt. Nikki went through the motions, engaging in a conversation she was rather uncomfortable with. She wondered whether he would ask about Zoë and Linda, and what Zoë wanted to tell him. Nikki noticed how carefully he trod with his questioning, maneuvering their conversation into that very subject. Fortunately, Linda barged into the back yard, just in time, as if Big Sis had seen it coming.

That morning's glorious weather gained sudden priority in Dad's speech, and it remained so until he walked back into the house, leaving the two girls by themselves. Hesitantly Nikki turned her face to Linda, who had stretched herself out on a lawn chair next to hers. Linda had her eyelids closed, enjoying the sunshine. She wore her usual dark yellow T-shirt and her very short, snug black shorts. Without even noticing, Nikki's eyes scanned her sister's breasts and her brawny, yet feminine long legs. That familiar wetness returned, the reactions of her sex putting her to the blush. As if Big Sis had noticed her stare, Linda opened her eyes and faced her.

"I almost don't recognize you."

"What?"

"Getting up so early is not exactly what you do on a regular basis."

"I couldn't sleep... Anyway I want to go to the beach early."

"Do you miss the guys that much?"

Nikki observed her sister more closely, trying to discern whether that remark was out of jealousy or was just plain old Linda cracking jokes.

"No," Nikki said, shaking her head and averting Linda's staring. That remark made her terribly sad, although she couldn't say why. "I don't want to go to the promenade... not today. I know this beach, a few miles from here... We could take your Jeep and go there, for a change."

"Sounds good to me," Linda replied, shutting her eyes and facing the morning sun again. "Let's hope the twins'll think the same."

"What kind of beach is this?" Zoë asked, jumping off the Jeep. "No one's here."

"So?" Nikki asked, turning off the engine. "What's the problem with that? This is our chance of sunbathing topless. No one comes here on Monday, at least not this early."

Despite Zoë's complaining, Linda, Nikki and Jeannie decided to stay and explore the beach. Nikki looked up at the sun, judging its height and strength. It was another perfect day to lie on the sand, and to enjoy the sunshine and the waves without the hassle of the promenade and its beach.

Linda scanned the blue horizon and the quiet sea, her hand screening her eyes from the sun. As Zoë had grumbled, the beach was deserted. Linda felt and heard the sea breeze flurry against her face and hair, and the grass growing on the sand dunes. A few seagulls glided above her, looking for food down in the ocean.

"Nice place, Nikki."

Nikki drew breath to say thanks but decided against it when she exhaled. She could feel Linda wanted some distance. Giving an answer would violate her sister's wistful mood.

After some discussion with the twins, they chose a spot near the sand dunes and away from the waveline. Since they were going to sunbathe topless, the dunes would offer protection from curious ogling, should people appear on the beach.

As she slipped off her T-shirt and shorts, Nikki's eyes moved away from Linda's body. The tension of excitement had announced its presence between her legs as soon as she saw Linda's naked breasts and her beautiful, slender body. Fortunately Big Sis seemed unaware of her staring, busy as she was with the oiling of her own arms and ample chest.

Although topless sunbathing was a rare event for them, their tan lines were almost invisible. They all wore expensive bikinis which allowed most of the UV light through. They had bought them in an exclusive boutique in Beverly Hills, owned by a man who did his best to look like David Niven and sound as savvy as a college professor.

Linda handed the sunblock over to Nikki and asked her how she knew about this secluded beach. It was because of Jim Tatum, Nikki explained. She met Jim at a Lana Martin's party. He was a college freshman at the time, nicely built, strong shoulders and arms but hardly the typical UCLA jock. He had a way with words, which reminded her of Linda, and a gleaming two-wheeled import that would sweep any teenage girl off her feet with its powerful roar of an angry, thirsty engine. In the beginning she declined his invitations to go for a ride. Jim Tatum scared her somehow. On the other hand, she was curious as to what it would feel like riding on a bike like that, feeling the wind in her hair, leaning against a guy a lot of girls would kill to be friends with. In the end Lana whisked her doubts away, and she accepted Jim's idea of a thrilling date.

And thrilling it was... She had screamed and laughed when Jim accelerated and negotiated a tight turn at full speed. The ocean stretched away into a cloudless horizon at their right, and huge boulders of hard rock cropped out at their left, giving them no chance if Jim lost control of his roaring bike. After a long ride, he took her to this secluded beach, and soon enough he kissed her and made the first moves for them to make out. Nikki pushed him away firmly, looking at him sharply and making it clear she was not going to have sex with him. Besides, she was seeing Craig Worell and she didn't intend to cheat on her boyfriend. Jim got mad, standing up and throwing some curses at the wind, while his hand brushed back his light brown hair. Eventually he brought her home, without saying another word or looking at her directly again. Fortunately, she hadn't seen him since.

Linda smiled at Nikki's story of failed seduction and looked at the breakers that kept rolling onto the sand. Again Nikki had to tear her eyes off Linda's tanned body. Big Sis's breasts were like a magnet. She didn't mean to stare like a sex-starved boy but every time she looked at Linda's body the overwhelming emotions of their lovemaking washed over her like a gigantic wave. Those feelings wreaked havoc with her determination to respect her sister's decision to put an end to the sexual nature of their relationship. She swallowed and sighed, exerting herself to keep the tears from flowing.

If only she could find a way to make her sister understand it was OK for them to make love, she wondered. If they wanted to, why not? Because they were sisters? And if she were a guy, would Linda have less qualms about making love?

Nikki took her turn at applying the sunblock. The twins were just a few feet away from her, giggling and playing with their own bottle of sunblock, spreading the oily liquid on each other. They avoided the other's breasts as though it were understood that their small chests were forbidden territory. Seeing Zoë and Jeannie in such a playful mood, touching each other's bodies freely, it became clear to Nikki how much she wanted Linda. The twins didn't have to deal with the frustration she felt.