Chapter 3

2001

Miranda stared at Maria, then shifted her eyes to watch Josh walk out of the restaurant.

"You're going after him, right?" she asked. "He's telling you the truth, Maria. He loves you. He's always loved you."

Maria simply sat there, looking at her grandmother's ring.

"Jesus Christ, we just can't leave him to find his way back from here," Miranda continued. "If you don't go get him, I will."

"Go then," Maria told her. "He might have loved me. He might think he does still. But he doesn't know who I am. He only knows the me in his mind. I know he wouldn't love me now. He couldn't if he knew me."

Miranda stood up.

"He can't if you won't give him the chance," she said, then headed toward the door. "Don't forget, you forgave him for a lot of shit. Don't you think he'll do the same? If you let him go, you'll regret it forever."

Maria didn't look up, but answered, "What's one more?"

After I left the restaurant, I walked about two minutes before it dawned on me -- I was a crime statistic waiting to happen and I had put myself in the same position I was in Europe.

I knew I couldn't go back to the restaurant, but I also had to figure out how to get back to the camp.

The street was relatively active, but since I didn't know exactly where I was, I pretty much was screwed. I thought my best bet was to find a phone and call Sam to pick me up, but that proved fruitless.

Then I decided I would have to find Miranda for a way back.

As I walked past the restaurant, I glanced through the window, hoping maybe Miranda was there. But she and Maria had left.

I hoped Miranda had waited for me by her car, if I could find the damned thing.

After a couple of false starts, I found a street that looked vaguely familiar and located Miranda's car with her sitting behind the wheel.

"I was about to give up on you," she told me.

I shrugged. "There's a lot of that going around," I said as I got in beside her.

We both were silent for the first part of the ride back. Miranda searching for the right thing to say; me looking back on the years I had wasted.

"I'm sorry, Josh," Miranda said, finally. "I shouldn't have butted in. I thought I knew what's best."

"It isn't your fault, so don't be hard on yourself," I said, and surprisingly I realized I meant it. "I guess it's best now that I know how things stand. "You know, I had finding her again all planned out in my mind. What I would say, how I would feel. What she would do."

I told Miranda about how I never doubted I would find Maria one day and how I didn't doubt for a minute she was my one true love, even now.

"I had such an elaborate plan for her grandmother's ring," I said, smiling ruefully. "After we met and realized we loved each other, I was going to ask her to marry me. Then propose to her with the ring I wear. Or, wore, I suppose. It seems I neglected to let Maria in on her role in my fantasy."

As I finished telling her my thoughts, Miranda suddenly pulled off the road.

"Josh, I thought you carrying her ring around for all these years was the most romantic thing I'd ever seen," she said, her eyes filled with tears. "But, you topped it. You have to tell her all this. Don't tell me. Tell her. She needs to hear it."

"Miranda, I am just starting to realize that the past 20 years of my life have been a lie," I said. "I thought that first day, on the riverbank, it might have been real. But this is real, Miranda. Now is real. What I feel inside this very minute is real.

"Sam and I were talking the other day. He told me that I have spent almost my whole life looking backward. He told me to look ahead, to start thinking about tomorrow. I guess maybe I should."

"I'm so glad you said that," she told me. "I worried that you wouldn't."

"Why?"

"Because, I thought you were going to let her go without a fight," she said. "You belong with her, and you proved tonight with Carlos that you can fight when you need to."

I stared silently across the car.

"Miranda, we had the fight," I said softly. "I think now I just have to let her go. The funny thing is, I didn't consider that maybe I didn't mean as much to her as she did to me. I mean, I did, but I thought I could prove to her that I am a good man.

"It didn't occur to me what would happen when I found her and things didn't work. I guess I will find out soon. I didn't mean to hurt her. I hope you, at least, know that. I didn't mean to let her think I was the same guy I used to be."

As Miranda pulled back on the road, she took a minute to glance at me.

"I know you're not, Josh," she said. "And I think she does too."

"I'm not sure," I said. "When we were growing up, I know I did some stupid things. But only once on purpose. And I regret that to this day. I wish I could change some of things I've done as an adult, too. But not many. I sure as hell would change the past couple of days though."

"Honey, you have to realize that Maria is just like you," she said. "She's not the same little girl you used to hold hands with. Where life has changed you, it's changed her, too. You seem to have gained perspective, but, in a way, she's lost some. That happens when you're taken advantage of too many times. In a way, part of it's your fault."

"In my head, I know you're right," I replied, thinking rationally for the first time in days. "Even when I didn't mean to, I took advantage of her. I realized that too late."

"That's not what I mean," Miranda replied sharply. "It's your fault because she expected every guy she met to treat her the way you did. And when they wouldn't or couldn't or didn't, she thought it was her fault. She worked hard to get where she is, damned hard. But, it took a lot out of her. She made sacrifices where she didn't have to and made decisions she wished she didn't. You said it yourself, you have those, too. You can't expect to miss out on 15 years of a person's life, walk back in and start where you left off."

"I know I carried an idealized version of her with me for these years," I said, my sadness gradually giving way to hurt. "But, I was willing to get to know how she turned out. She wasn't."

"Bullshit," Miranda said. "You were willing to get to know how she turned out so long as it fit into the world you already had created for her. Then when she didn't fit the mold you cast, you turned away."

"What the hell does that mean?" I asked.

"She told me how you reacted to finding out she was engaged," she said, her voice rising. "And I know how you hid behind Sam to avoid her. So what you're saying is pure bullshit. Don't fool yourself. You and she started out as friends after you got over the 'I'm-better-than-you' routine.

"It took you time to learn she wasn't what your mom said she was. It took her time to learn you weren't who she thought you were. You've been apart for more years than you were together. And both of you have lived with the thoughts of the other in your heads for your entire adult lives. Did you stop for a minute to think that maybe, just maybe, it would take more than a fleeting glance across the room or an afternoon at the riverfront to fall in love again?"

"No," I replied, thoroughly abashed.

She was right. In all my thoughts — my dreams and schemes — never once did that pop in.

"Do you see it now?" she asked.

"Yeah, I do," I replied sheepishly.

"Let me ask you," she said as we neared the campsite, "in your mind, when you fell in love and lived happily ever after, where would it be? Here? Or did you expect her to go with you? What if she had been married already? You say you thought about finding her for so many years, why didn't you stop to think it might not be as you imagined? Did you stop to think you might not be how she imagined?"

Miranda knew I had no answers for her questions. Or rather none I was prepared to share.

"Think about that," she said. "I have to go check on Maria."

"Do me a favor, OK?" I asked. "Tell her I'm sorry. Tell her I didn't mean to hurt her. And let her know I'll never forget her."

"That's something you're going to have to tell her yourself. You owe it to both of you if this is how it ends," she said and drove away.

I spent another restless night away from the campsite, sitting propped against one of the few trees that surrounded the future home of Maria's clinic.

The depth of Miranda's words finally sank in. I hadn't given Maria a chance after I learned of her engagement, when I found out that the ideas in my head were going to have to remain there.

I realized I reacted in much the same way I would have when I was younger. In haste and in anger.

I truly enjoyed the time I spent with Maria and I let my disappointment outdo my common sense.

But, was it too late to rectify that? Would it be possible for me to talk to her and convince her that I realized the way I treated her was wrong?

It occurred to me that I had expected Maria to have put her life on hold. As I reflected, I realized that was what I had done.

Aside from Sam, I had no close friends in my adult life. I had acquaintances and drinking buddies. I had colleagues and business associates. I had people I worked with and people who worked for me.

But no friends.

Over the years, as it looked like someone might get a chance to know me well, I turned away. The longest relationship I had since Maria was three months. I always enjoyed being around others, so long as they didn't want to be personal with me. I was more than willing to share my time with them, but never my heart. My heart couldn't be part of the relationship, because I always thought my heart already was spoken for.

Then I wondered: Did Maria and I ever have a relationship?

I know I thought we had. But what had she thought? It bothered me I didn't take the time to ask. Now or then.

Would I be able to find the love for her that I put away years ago? Or was it gone, dried to dust like so many things that aren't used in years. Over the years, I thought I was different than the way I grew up. Now, I wasn't so sure. Did I still expected more from others than I was willing to give?

The more I thought, the more questions popped into my head -- and the fewer answers I had for them.

But, one thing WAS clear to me. Yesterday, literally and figuratively, was gone. I had to let it go.

"Sam, I guess you can consider this my two-week notice," I told him, first thing in the morning.

After I managed to clear my mind of some things from the past, sleep came easier than it had in days.

"You're kidding, right?" he asked. "What about your plans? Your dreams?"

"I've spent a lot of years dreaming, my friend," I replied. "And for all that time, it didn't make a one of them come true. Don't worry. The trust that supplies the money for the grants is self-perpetuating. It won't stop because I do. So long as the company stays solvent, JB Enterprises will keep doing what it always did. It's just JB won't be around.

"But, I hope you will take this opportunity to advance up the ladder, so to speak."

"Up the ladder?" he asked.

"You're getting too damned old to go traipsing around in this heat," I said, only half joking. "I was hoping that you would take care of the little shit I used to. Work with the lawyers and accountants. Help Gwen run the whole show."

"Does this mean you're staying here?" he said, intentionally avoiding my offer. "Are things going to work out?"

I didn't know the answer to either question, yet.

"Well, Sam, I guess they will or they won't," I shrugged. "But, I won't know unless I try. If they do, Maria and I will figure out where we go together. If they don't I'll figure out where I'm going alone. Either way, I know I am not going back to where I've been. And I'm not going back to how things were.

"A wise old fart once told me to quit looking at yesterday and try to see tomorrow," I continued, drawing a faint smile from Sam. "I know he was wise, because that is damned good advice. But, I know he was old, because he forgot the most important part: Don't forget about today. So, until we finish this project, I'll keep an eye on tomorrow. Once we're done, I am going to focus on making up for the todays I forgot to live."

"Josh, I've told you this before, but I think you need to hear it again," Sam started, a serious look on his face. "You are one altogether fucked-up individual."

As he broke out laughing, I wondered if he really knew how true that statement was. But I couldn't help but join in on his laughter, too.

"So, this is it," he asked, suddenly serious again. "After this, the son I never wanted is gonna go off and seek his future."

"Well, I'm gonna go off," I said. "I know that much. But, in all honesty Sam, you are the most important person in my life. You're like my best friend and father rolled into one. If you think, even for a minute, you're getting rid of me that easily, you're as fucked-up as you say I am."

Sam's relief was evident, but still he joked.

"Just when I thought I was going to get some rest," he said, a twinkle in his eye. "You'll let me know how it turns out?"

"Sam, you'll know," I replied. "Either you'll be meeting us somewhere or you'll be getting calls from me from every beach I can find. But, I promise, you'll know. Speaking of which, I won't be needing you to cover for me during the afternoons now. In fact, I have a couple of things I need to do today, if you didn't already plan my off-time for me."

"Josh, I know you know this," he said. "But, you don't have to work here. I think you should tell the guys who you really are, then you can come and go as you please."

"Maybe at the end of this one, Sam, I will," I said, since I had thought about it the night before. "But, I have a commitment to you and them. I'll stick by that.

"And," I said, looking at the spot where in a little more than a week a new hospital would stand, "I have a final commitment to Maria. However it goes, I owe her this."

By 10 in the morning we were almost a half-day ahead of schedule. I was surprised since most of the morning was spent with the guys having fun at my expense.

"So, Joshy," one asked. "When's the next one showing up? What to you have this time, a bus load of nuns coming to say how sweet you are?"

"Yeah, Josh," another joined in. "That one yesterday was a hottie. Should I ask why you didn't sleep in the tent last night?"

"What about the first one? And she's a doctor. Think she'll take you away from all this," one asked, pointing to the dust and sweat that soaked our shirts.