Part 3

Chapter 18: Susan's Revenge

I fought the urge to be angry. I tried hard, but I found I was mad as hell.

Finally, I told her I needed to get my thoughts in order before I said something I couldn't take back and I asked if I could call her later tonight.

I was stunned when she said she was supposed to go out again tonight, but tomorrow would be OK. I told her to call me tomorrow whenever it was convenient and I asked her to put her father on the phone. She handed the phone back to him like it was stolen.

"You know, Jim, I sometimes forget she's 16," I said. "I don't want to be mad or hurt, but I find I'm exactly those two things."

He said he didn't blame me and he asked I wanted him to make her stay home tonight.

"I appreciate that, Jim," I told him, though I wasn't sure if I did. "But that won't do either of us any good. You know, I'm not really mad at her wanting to see people her own age. I only wished I'd found out before instead of after the fact."

Janie had picked up the other extension. She told me they had made that a requirement before they agreed to let her go. It was only today they realized she'd lied to them.

I thought I could trust Emily and I knew her parents would be watching her like a hawk. I wanted her to have the normal high school experiences girls everywhere have — well, at least girls who aren't dating men their mother's age.

I wasn't sure how to communicate this to Emily without sounding like I was the one who wanted to go trolling — especially with dear, willing, succulent Susan next door. At the same time, I expected her to use common sense and not hang around "those dumbass boys from town" as her father so eloquently put it a couple of months ago.

"Is this boy one of the ones you'd talked about," I asked him.

I didn't feel any better when he replied, "Let's just say if dumbasses had a country, he'd be king."

I told him to do what he thought was best but not to do it on my account. I'd be fine however things worked out.

"Well, at least I can tell when you're lying," was all Janie said before they hung up.

I spent a good portion of the day at the apartment thinking (have I mentioned this was never a strong suit of mine), before deciding a walk would do me some good. I'd made it about three blocks before Susan turned the corner.

"You look like your puppy dog died," she said, but she realized what happened as soon as I shrugged. "You're kidding me. Janie told me she was going to go out with some creep, but she thought you'd talk her out if. She never called you, did she? Come on, let's have a drink and you fill me in before I drive to Pennsylvania and paddle Emily's ass."

So, we stopped in to a bar around the corner and I told her what I knew, which I realized wasn't a whole hell of a lot. I also filled her in on some of the details of dating my former wife and our summers apart and why I was so upset. It felt good to talk to someone about it and as we walked home I began to realize Susan wasn't so bad.

"OK, so Emily sees me hitting on you and she gets all upset during the summer," Susan said as we sat on my couch. "Now, she's sneaking around behind her parents back and your back and she expects you to be OK with it? Just a second. I know I was a pain in the ass all summer. But I think I can help."

She pulled out her cell phone and dialed.

"Hey, Jim, it's Susan. Has Emily left yet?" she asked. "Good, let me talk to her for a second. Hey, Em, it's Aunt Susan. No, I'm not going to start on you, too. It's your life, do whatever you want. I just wondered if Joe was officially back on the market."

I could hear Emily yelling through the phone as Susan held it away from her ear.

"Yeah, I thought you'd say that," she told her. "Maybe you should think about what that response means yourself. Wow, I guess I am going to start on you, too. Huh? Who'd of thought? Anyway, have a nice date."

With that, she hung up.

"Five, four, three, two, one," she counted down on her fingers.

The phone rang and I just looked at her.

"I'll be going, but I want all the details later," she said and left.

Chapter 19: A Different Kind of Lesson

I answered the phone only a second or two before the answering machine would have answered.

"Joe, I'm so sorry," Emily cried. "I didn't even think about anything past me. I'm supposed to go in a minute, but I'll cancel if you want."

I told Emily I was never one for ultimatums and I wasn't going to start issuing them now. And I wasn't about to start making decisions for her.

"Just a minute," and she put the phone down.

I heard her talking to someone in the background. Then I heard her say, "Well fuck you, too!"

"Sorry, I'm back," she said. "That didn't go well."

I asked if she thought this might go any better and she started to cry again. I know it was petty and vindictive, but I thought she needed to see that actions have consequences and you have to face those consequences from time to time.

I wanted to see if she'd lie to me, so I asked her why she called now when her date was already there.

"Sue called to ask if it would be OK if she went out with you," she said. "I told her hell no that you were my boyfriend."

I told her I bet her other boyfriend found the conversation enlightening, but she replied not as enlightening as she had.

"You must hate me," she sobbed, but I assured her I didn't hate her.

"Emily, I don't expect you to join a nunnery," I explained. "And part of this is my fault because I couldn't come up with a way to tell you a few things. Things that might have made this transition easier.

"For that I apologize. But that doesn't make what you did any better for me or for you. You lied to your parents and deceived me. Most people who do that once don't get a chance to do it a second time."

I heard Emily gasp at the other end of the line.

"I said most people, Emily," I said. "Obviously the fact I'm on the phone with you means you're not most people. But, if there's a second time, I will not promise the opportunity for a third.

"Em, I know you're a kid in high school. Let me finish, please. I hope you're going to do all the things high school kids do — go to homecoming, to football games, to proms. And I know you're going to want to do them with people your own age. There are two things about this that hurt me. The first is that you didn't tell me and tried to hide from me. The second is the kid you were going out with is one of the dumbasses your dad warned you about. Before you defend you choice, his final words to you were 'Fuck you, you little cocktease.' That pretty much lands him in the dumbass pile and shows you where his interest lay, if you'll pardon the pun, in the first place."

Emily said she going to get some tissues and when she returned she said, "First, I'm not a kid. Second, I didn't realize you could hear the conversation. I guess you think I did stuff with him, huh?"

I assured Emily that whether or not she did stuff with him was immaterial.

"We've never discussed exclusivity," I told her. "Although I would hope you'd have enough sense not to do something with a boy who'd say things to you like he did. But, as I think you've heard once tonight, it's your life, do whatever you want. All I can add is the reminder about consequences. And I'm not talking about me in any way. I'm talking about how your reputation and self-respect will suffer if you do decide to do things with guys like that."

Emily had realized that I had been privy to Susan's call, and she wasn't happy.

"What a hypocrite," she yelled. "You talk to me about deception and deceit. Then you have Aunt Sue do your dirty work. That's bullshit."

I cut her off quickly.

"I had nothing to do with Susan's call," I told her rather brusquely. "I neither asked her to nor expected her to. I was in the room when she placed the call and I can't say I'm disappointed with the results of her call. But it wasn't my idea and I wouldn't have handled things that way. That's not my style."

Emily wasn't mollified, but it appeared she accepted my explanation.

"So, you're saying you don't care if I go out with other guys," she said. "Is that right?"

I told her of course I cared, but there was little I could do to stop it. What I cared most about was making sure was going out with a boy for the right reasons, not because she needed someone to help her get off.

"You think that's it," Emily said. "You think it's all about sex?"

I asked her to explain specifically what she'd liked about the boy she'd dated.

When she had no answer, she sighed.

"Maybe you're right," she finally sighed. "Maybe I'm lonely. I got used to having you around and not just for sex stuff but for other stuff. To go to movies with and watch TV with and spend time with."

I knew what she was talking about, because I felt the same loneliness.

"Em, again, I'm not talking about staying home every night and have your whole existence be a telephone conversation with me. That's unrealistic and it's unfair. To both of us. I hate to admit this, but that's what I've been doing. Today was the first time I'd seen Susan in a month and she's pretty much the only friend I've gotten around to making since I moved here a year ago."

Emily was quick to the point.

"I don't want you seeing Susan," she said. "That's final."

Chapter 20: Clearing the Air

I had to chuckle.

"Well, final or not is really my decision, I'm afraid," I told her. "But, look at it this way. If Susan didn't put you're happiness in front of hers, at least tonight, would she have made that call? Do you really think she wouldn't have just tried whatever she wanted to try?"

Emily conceded the point, but still was defensive.

"So, what am I supposed to do," she asked. "You're the wise one with all the answers."

I tried to explain that I wasn't even sure I knew the questions, let alone the answers. So I tried a different tact.

"Emily, first and foremost, I want what's best for you," I told her. "There may come a time when you decide what's best for you doesn't include me. I think so long as you're honest and upfront with me, I'll be OK with that. I don't expect to be consulted on your decisions, but I do hope you'll at least keep me informed of them. As I will try to keep you informed of the decision I make that affect you. We had a very special time together. One I'll always cherish regardless of where this leads. But this is what I was talking about when I told you about the first person's heart you'll have the chance to break and the first person who'll have the chance to break your heart. All I ask is that you remember there is another heart you're responsible for now. You took responsibility for mine when you told me you loved me as I've taken responsibility for yours."

I could hear Emily sobbing on the other end.

"I didn't mean to hurt you," she told me. "I truly didn't. It just felt so nice to have someone interested in me. I know you're interested in me. I know you love me — or at least you did — I fucked up. OK? There, I fucked up. So, if I want to go to homecoming with a guy, do I have to ask your permission?"

I assured Emily first, that I still loved her, and second that I wasn't her father.

"But, are you going to break up with me if I want to do, you know, stuff with someone else," she asked.

I wasn't sure of that answer myself, so I turned it around.

"I don't know, Em," I said. "Are you going to break up with me if I have sex with someone else? Even someone else not Susan."

It finally hit home, I think.

"I don't think I'd like you going out with someone or doing that without telling me first or breaking up with me first," she said. Then it dawned on her. "Oh, my God. If you started dating someone seriously and didn't let me know, I don't think I could handle it. And that's what I started to do. I wouldn't listen to anyone who tried to tell me that's what I'm doing. Even my friends told me so. So, are we, um, OK? I think I have everything straight in my head now."

I told Emily we were just fine. And that I'd try to call tomorrow.

But I wasn't sure if we were OK or not. As we hung up, I realized for the first time in a long time that I was dating a 16-year-old.

Chapter 21: An Evening at Susan's

I knew it might create problems, but I need a fresh perspective on things. So I turned to the only person I knew of who might be able to help me out: Susan.

She must have been expecting me because she answered the door almost before I was able to knock.

"So, are you still going to be my nephew-in-law," she asked. I think she got her answer when I didn't laugh at her joke. "That bad, huh?"

I told her it wasn't bad, just different. I told her tonight, for maybe the first time, Emily acted like a kid. I wasn't real fond of kids when I was one, so I really wasn't sure I'd be able to handle one now.

"It's like a whole different person, Susan," I told her. "It was just like the composed, mature young woman who sat in the kitchen two months ago has been kidnapped and replaced with a snotty, know-it-all teenager. I don't know why I didn't expect that. But, it seems I certainly should have."

Susan just smiled, knowingly.

"It's like that with most girls," she said. "They conform to the expectations of those they're most eager to please. Emily knew she had to act with a certain grace and dignity around you because you're an adult. And you were the person she most wanted to have notice her. Plus, you treated her with respect and let her make adult decisions so it made it easier for her to show her maturity. She hasn't lost that maturity. It's just now she's around her mom and dad and kids her own age and she doesn't have to use it as often. When I was a teenager it was like I almost had a split personality. My friends saw me one way, teachers saw me another, my parents saw me a third and people who just met me saw me a fourth. Because I acted differently around each of them. I don't think that's uncommon. And I don't think it's unhealthy. I think as girls grow they find parts of each personality and put them together to make who they finally are. If it's any consolation to you, and I'm not sure it is, but I think the Emily we saw this summer is most like who she's always going to be. And I think the fact you showed you cared about her no matter how she acted helped her to grow a lot during the summer. You treated her the same if she had on fuzzy slippers and was trying to break dance or if she had on a nice outfit and you guys were out on the town. I think now that there are different expectations from her she's having a little bit of trouble getting everyone to accept the person she's trying desperately to grow up to be."

I admitted it was some, however slight, consolation, but I wasn't sure I had to right to ask Emily to conform her personality to fit the way I'd come to expect her to act.

"That's no more fair to her than you being expected to act one way for your parents and another for your friends," I said. "I don't act that way, do I?"

Susan assured that with me what you saw is what you got.

"But I'll bet you weren't always that way," she said. "Think about your first girlfriend's mom and dad. How did you act around them? Or your best friend's parents? Or your ex-wife's family? I doubt you're around many of them these days, but do you still act the same around your best friend's folks as you did when you were younger?"

I admitted that I didn't. My best friend's mom always said I had an "Eddie Haskell charm."

"She used to mimic him, saying 'Gee Mrs. Detwiler, those cookies sure smell great' even when they smelled like armpit," I joked.

Susan told me that's exactly what she meant. "I've seen parts of that charm," she said. "It's not so much Eddie Haskell anymore, but it is disarming. So you took some of who you used to be around her, some of who you used to be around others and put it all together. If you run into an old friend on the street, how often do you tell yourself, 'Wow, he's not like I remember him?' A lot I'll bet."

I told Susan that was exactly what I'm talking about. I didn't realize I would have witness all the changes in personality from a distance. I honestly didn't know if I had the patience to wait for all the shitty personalities to disappear before the good ones came out — if they came out at all. It was something I'd have to decide as time passed I guess.

But, back to the present, I asked Susan to gauge some of the things I'd told Emily to see if they made sense.

"I tried to explain, and I did a horrible job, that I didn't want to be included in her decisions, only informed of them beforehand if they affect me," I told Susan. "The part that was hardest to get across to her was that a decision to date someone seriously affects me tremendously."

Susan laughed and told me I should have asked Emily how Emily would feel if I decided to go out with her.

"I was told that I wasn't allowed to see you and that was final," I told her.

Susan chuckled again.

"And yet, here you are. If I didn't know better, I'd think there was hope for me yet."

Chapter 22: Plan A

Emily didn't wait for me to call on Sunday. I'd spent most of the night wondering what to do about her and still didn't have the faintest clue. I loved the young woman who was here this summer. But I wasn't sure if I could put up with the little girl I'd talk to on the phone the past couple days. About 5 a.m., I finally called it a night (or morning) and went to bed.

Far too soon, I was awakened by Susan's hand on my shoulder. Me and the fucking door again.

"Should I even ask why you're here," I said. "Or why you feel it's ever necessary to enter my house when I don't answer the door."

She just shook her head.

"Nope, no use in asking at all," she said. "But I'll tell you anyway. Emily has been trying to call you since 7:30 this morning. After about the first 100 times, she got the idea you might not be home and guess where she thought you might have spent the night. Like I should be so lucky. Anyway, she's on the phone again so I told her I'd come to try to wake you. If I don't sleep, you don't sleep."

I inquired as to the time and was told it was shortly after 9 a.m.

"OK, tell Em I'm gonna piss and brush my teeth and I'll give her a call," I said.

Susan said she would.

"But, I think she's still convinced you're in my bed."

Great, more time talking to the little girl. I was thinking maybe it was time to just call things off with Emily.

About 15 minutes later, I decided to bite the bullet and I called Emily's house. She answered on the first ring.

"Wow, a 20 minute piss. That musta been quite a stream," she said.

She sounded cheerful, but I wondered if that was another act.

"Sorry, I didn't sleep a whole lot, so I wanted to get some coffee in me before we talked," I told her.

She said she was glad I did because she didn't want me dozing off because she had some important things to say.

I let her know I was all ears.

"Well, first, I spent a lot of time thinking last night, too," she began. "But, I guess I don't need as much sleep as you old folks do. Or maybe my decisions were a lot easier to make than the ones facing you. If you'll let me go first and promise to hear me out, I promise to do the same for you. Is that OK?"

I told her that seemed like a workable plan.

"You called me a kid last night and it pissed me off," she said. As I began to interrupt she silenced me with "You promised." And I knew I had.

"OK, I was pissed off when you called me a kid last night until I remember one of our first conversations. You promised me if I didn't act like a kid you wouldn't treat me like one. I was acting like a kid and you called me on it. I appreciate your candor and I appreciate that you care about me enough to tell me that. But you were wrong. I wasn't acting like a kid. I was acting like a spoiled brat with a new toy. That toy is my pussy and I wanted to make sure everyone knew I had one. Well, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I've got a pussy now even if nobody else got to play with it. I don't know why I was acting that way or why I treated you that way. And since I don't know why I was doing it, I can't promise to never do it again. I can promise to watch myself and listen to you and others who care about me if I start to behave that way again. For my behavior both yesterday and for the past few weeks, I want to apologize to you."

I interrupted to tell her no apology was needed, but she said she thought I was owed one and she was willing to admit when she was wrong. I wasn't convinced yet, but this conversation held promise that I might have to rethink my earlier decision.

"I also placed some unfair demands on you last night. I doubt you listened, and I hope you didn't, but Susan is your friend. And I may not trust her just yet, but I do trust you. You've treated me with respect from the first moment I laid eyes on you. Even yesterday when I know you wanted to crawl through the phone and shake me until my eyes popped out you still treated me with respect and fairness. You listened to my brat act and let me explain my side fully. You didn't condemn me or try to punish me. You did your best to treat me as an adult even though I didn't act like one. For your love and understanding, I want to thank you."

Again, I interrupted to tell her thanks weren't needed. But she said in the past she didn't thank me often enough and she didn't want to make the same mistake again.

"Finally," she said, "I've come to the conclusion that long-distance relationships don't work especially for someone who is just starting to date and for someone who has had them fail in the past. You said last night that long-distance relationships take trust and commitment. I think I've proven there's no reason to trust me and that I've failed in the commitment I've made to you."

It's funny, 15 minutes before, I was ready to say the exact same things. Now, I felt my heart breaking and a tear rolling down my cheek. I didn't have an answer for her, so I just let her continue.

"That said, I'd like the chance to regain your trust and to prove my commitment to you, but at the same time, I do want to do all the things you said you wanted me to do. Things like going to homecoming and to school dances and to prom. I've spoken with mom and dad and with Aunt Sue and we can find only one way to rectify the two problems. And that's for me to go to those things with you — if you'd be willing to take me to them."

Well, first off, it sounded like she had thought a lot about those things. But, and there's always a but, I had a miserable time going to those things in high school. Did I really want to relive those times again? It was worth a shot, I supposed.

"Angel, are you sure you want me to go to homecoming with you," I asked. "I mean, I'm a little long in the tooth and you might have more fun with kids your own age."

I guess she'd anticipated my response because she didn't hesitate.

"Do you remember all the times we played miniature golf and went go-kart racing this summer," she asked.

I admitted that, old as I was, I still had a pretty solid recollection of a few months back. Luckily, she took the humor as it was intended.

"We had fun," she said. "We laughed, we joked. It was a blast. Last weekend, I went mini golfing with kids my age. It wasn't nearly as much fun. When you and I would go to dinner or watch TV it was so much more enjoyable. I'm truly sorry it took this to make me realize I wasn't lonely. I was lonely for you. Just go to the first one with me, if you can. It's in a couple of weeks — on Halloween. Sue said she drive over with you. If it's terrible, we'll leave and come up with another plan. But, Joe, right now, it's the only plan I've got that keeps me where I want to be — with you."

Somehow, I felt the tears on my cheeks again. It must be allergy season.

Chapter 23: Memories of Mary

It's funny. The first thing I pictured when I told Emily I'd honored to be her escort at homecoming was the look on my ex-wife's face if she were to find out I was taking a high school junior to a dance.

My ex-wife is weird. I mean, she married me after all. But she's very sentimental. And she called me at Christmas last year to catch up on things and to make sure I was doing alright. I'm an only child and my parents both died in the past five years, so it was nice to talk to her. We spent a couple of hours on the phone and she told me that she was OK at Christmas, but she was terribly lonely on Halloween. We'd met at a Halloween party in college and our anniversary was October 30th. During our marriage our house was decked out like we had 20 kids there every year by October 20th. And I think we single-handedly keep Hershey's in business.

I told her it was strange because the apartment complex I lived in had no kids come by so I finally got to eat all the candy like I'd threatened to for years past. It's like the tradition never existed. So, I told her I'd try to call on Halloween night this year. I even joked I'd give her a fright by telling her I wanted to move back home. She laughed and said that would be the one thing sure to scare the hell out of her.

When I told her that, maybe I wasn't joking (but I was pretty sure she was serious about the prospect scaring the hell out of her). Now, I didn't want to go back there this year, but I do try to keep my promises. I wondered if Emily would understand if I ducked out of the dance for 5 or 10 minutes to give Mary a call.

On the drive across the Ohio Turnpike, I asked Susan if she thought Emily would mind if I called Mary just to say hi.

"Well, let me get this straight," she said, a glint in her eye. "She has a conniption fit if she thinks we've even shared a cup of coffee. In fact, I'm pretty sure she had someone put a GPS tracker on the car so she can be sure it doesn't stop for any more time than it takes to put gas in. Now, you wonder what her feelings will be about you calling a woman you shared not only coffee with but a bed and life with on the anniversary of your first date with this other woman. Nope, can't see any flaws in your theory at all."

Surprisingly, Emily was not the least put off by the prospect of a call to Mary. She asked if it I wanted a private conversation or if she could step outside with me. I told her I'd be more than happy if she'd accompany me, but I think she'd have been OK either way.

The conversation with Mary went really well. She asked what all the noise was and I told her I was on a date, but I still wanted to call her since I'd promised I would. Mary told me what I'd already discovered (namely, I'm an idiot), but she thought it was sweet all the same. Emily was standing next to me, so I asked if Mary had any words of wisdom for her. She said she might have a couple so I handed Emily the phone. Their conversation was short (Mary told her to run for the hills. Emily told it might prove to be good advice in the long run, but she thought Mary's ex-husband was a fine catch. Mary said she liked me much better as an ex-husband but she could see how I might fool some people).

Emily was chuckling when she handed the phone back and so was Mary when I started to tell her I'd talk to her at Christmas.

"At least you aren't planning to come back here," Mary said. "But, she sounds kinda young, J. You haven't been shopping in the kid's section have you (our code word for pedophiles)?"

I told her not the kiddie section, but maybe the Junior Miss. In all it was a nice call and I think it went a long way toward soothing the awkward relationship I'd had with my ex-wife for the past couple of years.

I gave Emily a kiss and thanked her for understanding.

"She was a big part of your life for a long time," she said. "I don't think you'd trade me in for her anyway." I hope the sloppy kiss I laid on my angel told her I wouldn't trade her in for anyone.

Chapter 24: Homecoming

I'm glad I went into the dance with an open mind. Because it wasn't nearly as bad as I remember. We went to dinner with a couple of Emily's friends and their dates. It took a while for some of the others to get loosen up, but once they figured out I wasn't someone their parents sent to spy on them, it was alright. Being near Emily again, I felt a wholeness I hadn't felt since she left in August. I know we'd had a rough patch, but I still felt things were going to be better than fine.

I was mistaken once for a chaperone, but other than that it went well. Emily and I danced a couple of songs early and I even danced with a couple of friends when their dates wouldn't.

A couple of girls seemed to suffer from the same malady that befell my sweet angel earlier in the month, specifically the need to prove they had a pussy, too. I thought one girl was trying to get herself off on my leg like a stray dog during a dance, but Emily saw my predicament and rescued me quickly.