Chapter 8

Dreaming of Jeremy kissing me, and actually having him kiss me, were two entirely different things. In this time period, young men did not kiss young women whom they had just met, and never without permission, unless they were engaged. Jeremy's kiss meant that either he was not the gentleman that he pretended to be, or, that he felt that I was not a proper young lady, but rather one that he could take liberties with. Either way, I was extremely dismayed. Regardless of the sexual values of the time from which I had come, I was here now, and had to live within the societal rules of 1883. If I had acted other than I had with Jeremy; he would surely believe me to be 'loose'. For him to treat a young lady as he did me, under his father's roof, at the very least showed a lack of judgement. But he was, after all, a college senior, and I suspected that he would begin to play the role of playboy as soon as he graduated. Even in these days of 'Victorian prejudices', there were plenty of women with 'painted faces' to satisfy the sexual appetites. As much as I liked him, it would probably be best if I did not have anything further to do with him. One couldn't afford a scandal in these times.

After managing to remove my bodice, I pulled the sash cord to summon one of the maids. Betsy came in a few minutes later to help me undress, and a half-hour later, I was ready for bed. I thanked Betsy as she left and I went to the bathroom and completed my toilet. Then I lay down on my bed to think about the day, and of course, the evening. Things had gotten complicated very quickly. It would be very difficult to avoid Jeremy between now and the end of our visit since we had to be together in the same house, and take our meals in the same dining room. But I couldn't leave, and wouldn't, even if I could. That would cause even more of a scandal, and I felt that the spirit would not look favorably upon my leaving. No, my only course of action was to remain where I was, and simply avoid Jeremy as best I could. I had begun to enjoy his company very much, and it would be difficult on me to have to shun him.

I crawled beneath the covers and promptly fell asleep. The discord between Jeremy and myself played over and over in my dreams all night. When morning came, I didn't feel rested, but I got out of bed anyway. I bathed, and dressed with Betsy's help, then sat to brush my hair. Martha came in and helped me. She noticed that I was more quiet than normal and asked what was wrong. I told her.

She said, "So he kissed you. What's wrong with that. As you keep telling me, we're are young beautiful women, and must act that way."

"You don't understand, Martha. Where we come from, it would not only NOT be a problem, but would be expected. But here, a young man kissing a young lady without permission is a scandal. It means that the young man doesn't respect the woman. In other words, he thinks that she is 'loose'. And 'loose' women are only used to have a good time with, and then are discarded in favor of 'decent' women. Once a woman gets a reputation in these times, it sticks with her, and follows her wherever she goes."

"Where did you learn all this stuff Amelia? I never heard any of it."

"I guess that it's a combination of History classes and English Literature. You know that I was always into reading. And I've read a lot of books and plays about this period. I have to assume that they were more or less accurate when they described the cultural values of this era."

"So what are you going to do?"

"I don't seem to have much choice. I think that it would be best if I avoid Jeremy for the rest of our visit. And remember what I've told you. Don't get too friendly with the boys, or you'll regret it. You mustn't let one kiss you until you're engaged."

"OK, Amelia. I'll remember. I'm not sure about kissing any of the boys anyway. I had a wonderful time dancing last night, but I'm still very confused. I know that we are women now, but inside I still feel a little like a boy. My mind says one thing and my body tells me another. When Tad dances with me, I feel weak all over, and want nothing more than to stay in his arms forever. But when I'm with you and the other girls, I get excited looking at your bodies. I just don't know what to feel."

She was so clearly distressed that I stood up, and we hugged. We stood that way for several minutes, each of us finding solace in the embrace. We had to find a way to come to grips with the issue of our sexuality. Not knowing how long we would be here just complicated the issues further. I could not find any easy answers.

When Elizabeth and Roberta came in, we finished our primping. We all worked together to make sure that our appearances were as impeccable as we could make them, then we all went down to breakfast. The boys were waiting for us at the bottom of the stairs again. Jeremy looked at me with a polite smile and offered his arm. I stepped past him, and had determined to walk to the dining room alone, but Harry offered me his arm. I decided that this would send a better message to Jeremy, and anyone else that he might have told about the kiss, and took Harry's arm. We walked into the dining room and Harry held my chair for me as I arranged my skirts. Jeremy had walked in alone, with a strange expression on his face. Throughout breakfast, I listened as Harry told me of his family and college experiences. From the corner of my eye I saw that Jeremy was staring at us, but I never made eye contact with him. The other guests had come in and filled the room during the breakfast hour, but nobody appeared to be aware of the tension between Jeremy and myself.

After breakfast the young men left to change so that they could go outdoors again. They would clean away any of the snow that had blown into the driveway or walkways overnight, and then they would be free to play. We ladies withdrew to the library again to read, talk, or listen to the harpsichord music.

During lunch, we sat as a group and talked among ourselves. We were already seated when the boys came in, so they congregated at the other end of the table, where seats were available. I never looked directly at Jeremy but I knew that he was staring at me again. When the other girls and myself had finished eating, we filed out of the dining room on our way back to the library. As I came near Jeremy's seat, he suddenly stood up to face me. I continued on without stopping or looking at him. I never looked back to see what happened, but I did hear a stifled chuckle from one of the other boys.

At dinnertime, we walked down to the parlor, which was the assembly point. I was sitting on a davenport with Roberta, discussing fashions, when Jeremy walked up to us. He stopped and stood directly in front of me. I ignored him and continued talking to Roberta. Roberta was as uncomfortable as I was with him standing there, staring at me, but she kept up the discussion.

Finally, during a lull in the conversation, he said, "Miss Turner, would you do me the honor of dining with me tonight?"

I was trapped. I had hoped to avoid a direct confrontation like this. But if this was the way that it had to be, then so be it. "No, Mr. Westervelt, I will not."

He looked down at his feet, then turned and walked from the room. I went into dinner on the arm of Harry Millar. Jeremy did not come to dinner.

Since we were still snowed in, the musicians were still at the mansion. They had originally been hired only for the weekend, but Mr. Westervelt had extended their engagement. Jeremy never put in an appearance in the ballroom that evening. Since it was now common knowledge that we were not romantically associated, I was besieged by requests for dances from the other young men. I noticed Anne watching me a few times. I hoped that she was not angry with me for my rebuff of her brother. The evening passed swiftly, and I put the earlier encounter with Jeremy behind me. I was not treated disrespectfully by any of the other young men, and I felt that my reputation had not been damaged. Even if Jeremy had told his friends that he had kissed me, my response to his advances should be enough to show that such behavior would not be welcomed.

I was tired when I climbed into bed and crawled under the bed covers. I had missed Jeremy. The other young men simply did not have his wit and charm. Why did he have to kiss me like that? We could have had such a wonderful time together this week. And he had looked so hurt when I told him that I would not dine with him. Thinking about him, I rolled onto my side and began to weep. I cried myself to sleep for the first time since I was a small child. The next morning I saw that we had been blessed with another, bright sunny day. I rose, bathed, and dressed, in what had now become the normal routine. Martha came in and brushed my hair, and I did hers. When Elizabeth and Roberta joined us, we stood to go downstairs.

Elizabeth said, "Amelia, we've noticed your attitude toward Jeremy Westervelt seems to have changed. What's going on? Has something happened that we should be aware of?"

"No, everything is fine."

"No, it's not. Now talk to us. What's wrong?"

So I told them about the kiss, and about my having slapped Jeremy's face.

Roberta giggled and said, "Amelia, you didn't?"

"Yes, I did. I couldn't think of anything else to do."