Hi my name is Mal. Thats short for Malheureux, its a french name, but i'm irish so I have no idea what it means. Needless to say my parents are hippies. I grew up in Hilsborough NJ, a rich town, some farms, pretty much all white kids with time on thier hands. Right now I live in a dorm at rutgers university in newbrunswick, a hop skip and jump from my home town, yet a world apart. It's a city, it's dirtier, poorer and lots more fun.

At home in hilsborough, I was such a good kid. Something has changed recently here at school. I find myself contorting and opening into something different, something new and something that scares me one minute and excites me the next. My clothes have changed from preppy earth tones, to fishnets and black leather, black lipsticks and nail polish. Goth I guess, thats the look, it makes me feel powerful and scary, and I like that alot. My vices have changed from being a workaholic to being a chain smoking pothead. But the thing that has changed most is sex.

In high school, I had sex as little as possible. Just enough to keep the boyfriend that I wanted, the boyfriend that served me best socially. Thats all I wanted, or could stand. I would go without so long, that when I finally agreed to it, it was given to me in a way that was cold and angry and hard and painful. It was awful. I guess to start telling you about my sex life i'll start at the very beginning

I was 14 years old, my frist little boyfriend, tommy silver and I were at his house at a family party. We were sitting watching tv in the living room while the older relatives of his talked in teh kitchen around the table. His cousin Marcus came in and sat down in the chair across from teh couch we were on.

"Man, those old folks talk forever" he said. Marcus was 20, a big guy, maybe 6'3" about 240 lbs of muscle and bulk, but sweet smiling and calm. Not your average jock. I, being the teenage girl caught in puberty that I was, instantly had a crush on him, marcus, like a teen idol in a magazine, the older boy that it seemed I could never have.

Over the next two months I saw marcus over and over at tommy's house. Tommy was totally oblivious to my feelings for his cousin, and marcus too couldnt see the signs. But I was in heat for the first time in my life. I didnt know what sex was, I knew bits and pieces, but I knew I wanted it, and I wanted it with marcus.

Then, on the 9th friday since I first met him, me and marcus had some time alone. Tommy and I were alone in his house. His parents had gone out and I had come over to watch a movie. Tommy was clumsily trying to put the moves on me and I was gettin frustrated with him.

"Quit it okay? lets just watch the movie" I said, quite the little bitch, I know. He went over and brooded in his chair, while I stayed on the couch. Screw him for being angry, I just wasnt up for it, at least not with him. I did feel bad for being with him since ive met marcus, knowing that I was only with him to see his cousin.

Speak of the devil, just then the locked turned and in walked marcus

"Hey, tommy, what up" he said to his little cousin "gotta use the washer" and with that he took his bag of clothes downstairs to the laundry room, rustled around for a while, then came back up and, since the only open place was next to me on the couch, took a seat with me. my heart jumped to my throat and I wanted to touch him so bad, to kiss his lips and hug him tight. I wasnt sure exactly what I wanted, but I wanted it bad.

We sat and watched the end of the movie, then television for a while until tommy's folks came home.

"Allrigh Mal, it's time to go home. These kids been good Marcus?" his mother said. Apparently Marcus' visit was a planned deterence.

"Oh sure, we've just been watching TV" He said, smiling at me "let me get my laundry from downstairs and i'll be out of here"

He went downstairs and returned with his laundry bag, just as I was gettin my jacket on. Mr. Silver was getting his keys, ready to take me home when marcus said "I'll take her if you want, im sure you guys are tired" and with that I was alone in marcus's car, while he drived me home. I needed to stretch this out as long as possible. The longer I was with him to more possibilities for something to happen, right? So I decided to give him wrong directions, and pretend later that I had gotten confused. I'd play it off like a bimbo. But 15 minutes later we were on a dark road along the canal, in the woods. Marcus seemed confused, and I felt bad for taking him out of his way like this.

"I'm sorry I guess im just a little turned around" I said, shyly.

"That's okay, everybody makes mistakes, let me just get back on amwell" he said. If he did that we'd be home in no time! now was the time to take action. to let him know what I felt and why I had given him bad directions. Why I had been quietly sneaking peeks at him all night.

"Marcus?" I said sheepishly. He turned and smiled at me, melting me right to the core.

"what is it, Mal? something wrong?" he asked. The sweetness in his voice was unbearable. I wanted to jump into his body, to become part of him at that moment in time.

"I've been giving you the wrong directions on purpose" I said quietly, sinking my head. Before he could speak I continued "I don't know what I expected, but I thought if we spent some time alone you might start to like me."

"aww, mal, I like you, you're a cool girl" he said, comforting.

"I mean, you might start to like me like I like you" I said, turning my eyes up to look at him.

"And how is that mal?" He asked, confused.

"ever since i've met you, I cant stop thinking about you, about touching you and kissing you" I cant believe I said that! His reaction was mixed at first, he turned and looked at the road, and then just as we were approaching river road he pulled the car to a stop at blackwells mills park. he turned the car off and turned to me...