Some of the folks here at the hospital told me that they thought that it might help me come to grips with my problem if I wrote things down on paper. Like, this isn't gonna be fancy or anything, but here goes. My name is Steve, and I'm 16 years old, and a junior in high school, and I have cancer. How's that for bad news.

It started about four weeks ago in the middle of August. See I'm on the track team at school and that means that we have to get a physical every year. We have a choice of going to our family doctor, or the school sets up one day near the end of summer when a doctor comes to the school and gives anybody who wants one an exam. Like it's not much of an exam - I think they just want to make sure that you're not going to drop dead during the middle of a race or anything. It's kind of funny in a way, cause the doctor who gives the exams is like old and fat - he must weigh over 300 pounds. Until they made the whole school smoke-free last year he used to smoke during the exams. So here we are in pretty good shape and there's this fat old guy, smoking away, lecturing us on how to take care of our bodies.

So there are about thirty other boys and we're all lined up in the high school gym and we're only wearing our underwear. That's probably a good idea, given that it's about 85 outside and close to 100 inside. We're all sweating away and our bodies are covered with a glistening sheen of moisture. We're doing the usual boy things like making loud jokes about each other's bodies, and pushing and shoving some, and one of the guys back down the line has this huge erection so we're on his case about being a faggot. Mostly though, we're just wishing this dumb ass exam were over with so we could go and play basketball or take a swim. Part of the exam is when the doc checks us for a hernia or whatever. It's kinda gross cause we're standing in front of him and we have to drop our shorts and he sticks a couple of fingers up under our balls and tells us to turn our head and cough. He didn't use to tell us to turn our head but I guess a coupla years ago one of the guys coughed and spit a big loogie out on him. That musta been funny. So anyway, he's feeling away down there and I'm staring at the wall and trying to pretend that there isn't this fat old guy playing with my private parts when he says something like "...have you noticed this lump here?" I didn't know what he was talking about so I said "no" and he told me that I should go to my family doctor to get it checked out. No big deal I figured, but I couldn't get a medical approval for track till I had done it so my mom set up an appointment for the next week.

When we went to our family doctor - well first let me tell you about our family doctor. It's really a group practice where there are like 5 doctors that work in the same office. So you don't know which one you're going to see whenever you go in. The problem is that one of them is a young woman and no way was I going to let her check out my balls. Like, she's OK for an earache, but not for boy-stuff. So I was trying to explain to the nurse at the front desk why I wanted to have one of the men doctors see me, without everyone else in the waiting room hearing that I needed my balls checked out. Finally she kinda got the idea and I got to see one of the men. He felt around a little, and I'm doing my looking at the wall thing, when he says "...yes, there are definitely some sort of growths on your testicles. Might be as simple as some fluid-filled cysts, but we should get them checked out." I wish I had asked him what he meant by "checked out" but I still figured that this was no big deal. So he made an appointment with a specialist at the hospital a couple of days later.

So I figured this specialist was just going to feel me up again but he wanted to do something called a biopsy. I asked him what that was and he told me that was when they took a small sample of the tissue so they could check it out in the lab. This is when it started to get bad. Turns out the way they take a sample is to stick a needle in you and suck out a little tissue. And this wasn't your run of the mill flu-shot needle, but one that looked like it would scare the shit out of an elephant. So he swabbed some antiseptic on my scrotum and gave me some local anesthetic and shoved the needle in. Just before he did it he said something like "...you might feel something sharp for a second." Sharp? When he shoved that needle into one of my balls I thought my fuckin head was gonna blow off. It felt like the whole fuckin marching band had kicked me in the crotch. I let out this big groan and almost fainted from the pain. So he pulls the needle out and says something like "...there, that wasn't bad, was it?" And I'm just laying there on the examining table and trying to learn how to breathe again.

Later that afternoon I was sitting in the family room watching TV, and thinking about the various neat things I could do to that guy who did the biopsy on me, when the hospital calls and says that the lab results are back and could my mom and I come back in and talk with the specialist again. So we went back in and he had us sit down and he said that the tests had shown conclusive evidence of some long name that I didn't understand in both of my testicles. I asked him what that meant in normal language and he told me that I have cancer. And worse, it's a kind that grows fast, and even worse, they think that it may have spread to other parts of my body. Mom almost fainted at that point.

We took a break and got calmed down and then he told us that we have basically two choices; either do nothing and I'll probably be dead within a year, or aggressively treat the cancer and I will have an excellent chance to survive. My mom asked what the treatment would be (I'm like, figuring that there would be some pills or something) and he said that they would have to remove both of my testicles, and follow up with some kind of therapy. That fucking asshole wanted to de-nut me! I told him no fucking way, and a couple of other things about his biopsy skills, and his mother and all that. After I thought it over awhile though, I figured that if I let them do what they want, about the worst is that I won't be able to have any kids. On the other hand, I'm only sixteen now and wasn't really trying to start a family right away, so there are worse things - like dying in a year. So I agreed to have the surgery. It's September 13th and I go into the hospital tomorrow for the surgery. They said that it's not like major surgery or anything and that I'll only have to stay at the hospital one night. I'm sure not looking forward to tomorrow, AT ALL!...

September 15th - Well, the surgery is over with and I'm home now - less two of the most favorite parts of my body. When I woke up from the anesthetic, the first thing I did was to check out my equipment. Like, you hear all these stories about how somebody goes into the hospital for one thing and they screw up and do something else. Like, I was a little worried that I'd wake up and find out they had cut off my dick or something. But things looked pretty much the same, except that there were some stitches on my scrotum, and it kinda looked like a balloon with no air in it - deflated. The doctor said that later on they can put in some "artificial testicles" to make things look more normal. I guess they are just like big plastic marbles or something. I told him I wanted the biggest pair they made and he laughed. He said they'd also eventually start me on a series of male hormone treatments to replace the hormones that my body wouldn't be making any more. So my body should develop normally and everything - just no kids. The other thing I noticed was that I didn't have any hair in my crotch anymore. Like I have blond hair so it wasn't really dark down there or anything, but now it was all gone. The doctor told me that after they gave me the anesthetic that a nurse shaved me. No shit. I'm glad I wasn't awake for that! So anyway, I have to take it easy and rest at home for two weeks (no school!!!!!) and then go in and start the therapy.

September 21 - I'm getting pretty tired of just lying around the house and watching TV. Mom's being pretty nice to me, getting me tapes from the corner video store to watch, and fixing me snacks every so often. This morning after she had gone to work, I was sitting on the couch watching the Today Show, and just wearing my Jockey shorts, and I noticed that the bulge in my crotch actually looked a lot larger than usual. Course I'm still pretty swollen down there from the surgery. But when I stood up and looked at the large swelling in my Jockey's it looks like I'm pretty well equipped. Just to check things out, I tried on a pair of my jeans for the first time since the surgery. Boy do I look big. It looks like I have a football stuffed away in there. I had a hard time even getting my jeans zipped up. Geez, if I stayed this way would the other guys be jealous!

September 30th - I went into the hospital for my first therapy today. It wasn't too bad to start out with. I just had to lie back in a chair and they put this needle into a vein in my arm, and had one of those bottles full of liquid connected to the needle - just like in the TV shows except the nurses were uglier. Why can't I get a nurse that looks like "Baywatch?" So I'm just sitting there and watching TV and thinking that maybe this won't be so bad after all when I threw up. For about two hours I had the worst stomach cramps that I can ever remember. I'm home now, relaxing and watching TV. The worst of the sickness is over with but I'm probably not going to eat much for supper tonight. The nurses told me that after a few more sessions, my body will get used to the therapy and the treatments won't make me so sick. It looks like I'll have to go into the hospital for therapy every two weeks. And of course there are a couple of kinds of pills that I have to take every day. I guess the good news is that the kind of chemotherapy that I'm getting isn't the kind that makes your hair fall out. That would be too gross.

October 2nd - I only missed one day of school when I was sick from the therapy. Today was kinda embarassing though. I can't participate in track because of the surgery but I still take regular gym classes as long as I'm careful not to get kicked in the wrong place or anything. The guys really got on my case in the showers today. They haven't said too much about my having to have my balls removed, but they were really kidding me today about my shaved crotch. I had only told my best friend Mark, about why my crotch was shaved but that asshole blabbed it all over school. Even the girls know. So in the showers today the guys were saying things like "...tell us what it felt like when she was shaving you Stevie...", and "...did she give you a hand job at the same time...", and "...can you give me her phone number so she can do the same thing for me...", and "...you really look cute with no hair there, are you going to keep it that way...", and "...nice Steve, I have more hair in my armpits than you do in your crotch..." Some friends.

October 8th - Well, the stitches are out and everything is pretty much back to normal - except that my scrotum is just an empty sack now. The swelling from the surgery has gone down now so the things that are left are pretty much back to normal size. I noticed when I put on my jockey shorts and looked at myself in the mirror that the bulge in my shorts is noticeably smaller then it was before. The same thing when I put on my jeans - they aren't as tight in the crotch as they used to be. I still fill them out, just not as much as before. It's just that I can notice the difference - I hope nobody else will. I guess it's a guy thing. Like the first thing you do when you meet a new guy is to check out the size of the bulge in his pants. And when we're taking showers after gym, you can see everybody checking everybody else out the first couple of times. So I do look a little smaller now. It used to take me both hands to cup my crotch but now I can do it with one.

I can still get erections though - thank God for small favors, or maybe for "BIG" ones. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to jerk off after the operation but that still works too. Well, there is one difference, when I come now I don't get nearly as much liquid coming out. Like I used to get a real handful in big hot jets, now I only get one or two drops of a watery fluid. Still feels as good though. Look on the bright side - my bed doesn't get as messy anymore when I have a wet dream!

October 26th - Kirsten and I went to a movie tonight. I guess I haven't written about Kirsten before. She's my girlfriend. Things are pretty much back to normal between us now. Like back in September I was pretty upset for awhile and I didn't see her too much. Now we're back to going out a couple of times a week. I was kidding her tonight that I was probably the safest guy that she could go out with now - I carry built-in protection. She thought that was pretty funny. It wasn't a good enough argument to get her to have sex with me though. I'm gonna have to keep working on her. My goal is to get her into the sack before Christmas.

November 14th - The doctor was right, the therapy isn't making me as sick as it used to. I'll be a little nausiated for an hour or so after each of the treatments but it passes fast enough that I only miss a half day of school. Actually, I'd be willing not to miss any school if I could get these treatments over with. The doctor told me that the chemotherapy every two weeks will be over with by the end of this year. That gives me something to look forward to. He said that the hormone therapy will go on for about a year. I thought those pills I was taking every day were part of the chemotherapy, but he said no, that those were to adjust my body's hormone levels to make a recurrence of the cancer less likely. I guess taking a couple of pills a day is a small price to pay for being alive...

December 3rd - I think I'm going to have to exercise more. Guess that being laid up for a couple of weeks after the operation took more out of me than I thought. And without being on the track team this year, my body is getting even less of a workout. I noticed in gym today that I don't seem to have as much upper body strength as I used to have. My high school is like 70 years old or so and the boy's and girl's gyms are down in the basement. The locker rooms are in the sub-basement, and the swimming pool is even lower, like the sub-sub-basement or something. Even though it's old, the gym really isn't too bad - like it's really over two stories tall and there's an indoor track running around the top. So during bad weather I could be using the track while there was a basketball game going on at the same time. There's also a bunch of rings and bars and stuff for gymnastics that can be lowered from the ceiling, and some climbing ropes - there are ten of them - they're pretty big like about two inches in diameter. The coach breaks our class into ten groups and we do like a relay where the first person from our group runs to the rope, climbs up it, slides back down, then the next person and so on. The first group to have everyone complete the climb gets to go to the showers first. I think the ropes must have been there since the school was build cause they have like years and years of sweat on them and are kinda slippery. So to climb them, you have to like, wrap your legs around them and clamp your feet together to lock yourself into place on the rope. Then you release your feet just a little, and use your arm and shoulder muscles to pull yourself up a couple of feet, lock yourself with your feet, use your shoulders and arms to pull yourself up another couple of feet, and keep doing this till you're at the top - about 50 feet in the air. When you slide down you gotta be kinda careful cause you want to get down fast, but you don't want a rope burn. I used to be able to do the climb really fast - with no problems at all but I found today that getting to the top was a real struggle for me. When we do the climb we just wear our gym shorts and go barefoot. I got about halfway up the rope without too much of a problem but then it got really tough. So I'm about twenty-five feet in the air, and I'm sweating like mad, and the rope is getting really slippery and I just didn't seem to have the strength in my arms or shoulders to make the climb. The guys on my team were cheering me on and I finally made it to the top but certainly not in my best time. When I got back down to the floor of the gym I was sopping wet from the exertion and felt really weak and tired. Our team came in last but the guys didn't kid me too much about it. On our way to the showers, Mark was really funny. He came running thru the gym, completely naked, and gave this big Tarzan yell, and swung from rope to rope across the gym. The coach suspended him for a day.

January 2nd - Well the chemotherapy treatments are over with and am I glad! The doctor said that I'm making excellent progress and that my blood enzyme levels don't show any recurrence of the cancer. I asked him if I couldn't quit taking the pills every day and he told me no, that I have to continue taking them for almost another year. That even though there's no evidence of cancer now, that there could be a few cells left in my body somewhere and we need to keep the hormone levels adjusted so that the cells won't grow any. If everything still looks good next year at this time, then I'm completely done with the therapy. My mom was kidding me that I took too much advantage of all the good food over the holidays. I guess I must have gained about ten pounds. I don't look any different when I look in the mirror, but my jeans are a little tight when I put them on now. Kirsten said she likes me just a little heavier - there's more of me to love.

January 8th - Yeah, that extra ten pounds is messing me up. When we were doing the rope climb in gym today, I couldn't even get halfway up the rope. I worked at it as hard as I could but I just couldn't do it anymore, so I'm hanging there about twenty feet in the air, sweating like mad with the effort, and with my hair hanging down into my eyes, and I couldn't climb any higher. I slid back down and went down to the lockers. Like the locker room has a low ceiling and isn't very well lighted. There are just row after row of lockers there, with wooden benches to sit on while you're changing. So I had stripped off my gym shorts and was just sitting on the bench naked when Johnny came in. He was on my team for the rope climb and was pissed that we came in last again cause now we'd be the last kids thru the showers and would have to haul ass to make it to the next class on time. He asked me "...what the fuck's the matter Steve, you didn't use to have any problem with the fuckin ropes before you let them cut your nuts off?" I told him that I didn't know - probably just having a bad day.

That's the bad news. The good news is that Kirsten and I had sex for the first time last weekend. Her folks were away for the weekend and after we went to a movie, we went back to her house to watch TV. We were sitting on the couch eating snacks and we started making out a little. And then we just kinda went farther and farther and all of a sudden we had our clothes off and we were on the floor and my cock was inside her. Afterwards we just sunggled up under a blanket and held each other. It was really great. And when we went out on the date I wasn't like, even planning on it - it just happened. As we were lying there under the blanket Kirsten was running her hands over my body and exploring it and saying how great it felt just being there next to me. As I was putting my shorts on, I noticed that my scrotum seems a little smaller. Well, it has been empty ever since the operation, but now it looked a little smaller.

January 10th - The doctor said that's normal for my scrotum to shrink up. That without the testicles in there it may even shrink a little more. But not to worry, once they put in the "artifical testicles" that it will come back to it's original size. I hope so, it looks like it's only about half as big as it used to be. I reminded him that I wanted the "super stallion" size of testicles.

January 20th - Kirsten and I had sex again last night. It was just as good as before, maybe even better, cause now we know what to do to make each other feel good. As we were laying there afterwards, she was playing with my body again when she stopped and said "...Steve, your bag is really small now..." I told her the doctor said that was normal. But when I was getting my clothes on I looked and it's hardly more than a little bulge now. I'm not sure how to explain it, but my body looks a little different now. Nothing that I can put my finger on, but just a little "softer." At least all the hair in my crotch has grown back so the guys won't kid me in the showers any more. I noticed that it's not as rough and wiry as it was before - it's a little lighter color and finer in texture now - almost silky.

February 4th - I had to get a couple of new pairs of pants yesterday. Even though I've been watching what I've been eating, my old pairs just got too tight to wear comfortably. Not tight in the crotch, but really tight in the waist and in the seat. The crotch is really pretty loose now. I was looking at myself the other day and you'd never know that I ever had any balls or a bag to hold them. Other than my dick, my crotch is completely smooth. And covered with the silky blond hair, of course. The rest of my body hair seems to be a little lighter too. Or maybe it's just my imagination. I was kinda embarassed that my jeans don't show as much of a bulge in the crotch anymore like the other guy's do. So when I get dressed now I'll shove a extra pair of socks down into my Jockeys - makes everything look normal.

March 2nd - I'm gonna have to go in and talk to the doctor. I haven't seen him since last December and I've got some questions for him. My body has changed a little in a couple of areas. Nothing big, but I guess that it's noticeable. My bottom seems to be a little bigger now and softer and more rounded. And my nipples are more noticeable. They used to be really small, like about the size of a dime and a very light pink color - about the same color as my skin. Now they are a little bigger, like maybe a quarter, and are a darker color. In the showers after gym today I noticed that some of the guys were staring at me. Like to take showers, we go to the locker room and take off our clothes, and then walk down this long corridor to get to the showers one level below the gym. The showers are really just one big open room, with shower heads all around the walls. When you get fifty or sixty guys in there at one time it gets pretty crowded - and hot and steamy of course. And the guys get to messing around like squirting soap at each other, and goosing, and stuff. Nothing bad - just guy stuff. I was soaping up my hair when Johnny came up behind me and cupped my butt with his hands. He said something like "...nice ass Steve. Wish my girlfriend had one like that. Wanta go to the movies with me tonight?" I just kinda laughed and told him that he wasn't my type. He left me alone after that. But I saw several of the guys staring at me and I think they noticed the changes in my body.

March 4th - The doctor said the changes I've seen are normal and are my body's normal reaction to the adjustment of my hormone levels. I didn't know it but I found out that the pills I have been taking every day are synthetic estrogen. He told me that the male hormones would stimulate the growth of any cancerous cells left over from my testicles, and that female hormones have the opposite effect. So that's why I've been taking female hormones for about six months now. That didn't sound too great to me, like why should I screw up my body that way. He told me not to worry, that later this year they would switch me back to a maintenance dose of testosterone and everything would change back to normal. I hope.

March 28th - My mom got the doctor to write a statement to the school that said that I should be excused from gym. It was getting too embarassing for me to take classes with the other guys. Like I was having trouble keeping up with them in sports now, and the kidding about my body during the showers was getting worse. I didn't have any trouble in running, but basketball, climbing, and especially wrestling were washouts - I just couldn't compete at things I had been very good at last year. My bottom is a little bigger, and my nipples are a little darker now, and protrude just a little bit - maybe half an inch or so. They are really noticeable whenever they get cold cause then they get hard and stick out even more. I've found that if I wear loose shirts that nobody notices them. In general, my body seems to be a little more "rounded" and softer now than it was several months ago. The doctor said this was normal - that my body seemed just to be reacting a little more than usual to the hormone levels. In the showers yesterday, Johnny came up behind me and kinda snuggled his body up against my back. We were both all soaped up and it felt really weird to have his belly pressed against my back that way. I felt something funny between my legs and realized that he had this huge erection and was shoving it between my legs. Then he reached around and cupped his hands over my nipples and gently rubbed them. He said "Hi sweetie. You're looking pretty good these days. I bet you're looking for a hot guy like me to service you. Right?" I didn't know whether he was kidding or what so I broke away from him and ran out of the showers, up through the hallway and into the locker room. I plopped down on the wood bench and just sat there shaking. A minute later I felt somebody put a hand on my shoulder. I figured it was Johnny coming after me so I gave a little scream and turned around and backed up against the lockers, using my hands to cover my body as best I could. It wasn't Johnny though, it was Mark. He looked at me for a second and then said "Take it easy Steve, It's OK. I won't hurt you. I just wanted to let you know that I and the other guys won't let that dork Johnny bother you any more." I didn't know what to say so I just pulled my clothes on as fast as I could and ran to my next class. When I told mom that nightabout what happened st school that day, that's when she had the doctor write the note to the coach.

April 11th - Kirsten and I haven't had sex in the last month or so. I'm kind of ashamed to have her see the changes in my body. And there's one other thing that I'm worried about. I don't really know how to describe this but my dick seems to be just a little smaller than it used to be. Like it was never really huge, but it was about 6" or so long which is at least an average size for the other boys in my class. But now it seems to be a little smaller. It's not a lot different, but when I hold it to jerk off I can feel the change. It's also taking me longer to jerk off now. I have to work at it harder to get an erection. It still feels just as good when I come - just takes a little more work. I'd hate to try to have sex with Kirsten and then find out that I couldn't do anything. I haven't said much about any of this to my mother, but I know what she would say. Her attitude is that "...don't worry, the doctor said all this is normal, everything will change back later this year..." I sure hope so.

April 15th - I just realized that I haven't had to shave for over a month now. Like, I never used to have to shave every day, but usually every other day. Now instead of whiskers I just have this very soft, fine blond hair on my face. You have to look really close to even be able to notice it...

May 7th - I had to use some of my birthday money to buy new clothes. My mother was like "...what's wrong with the clothes you have..." Yeah, sure mom. Have you seen how I fill them out now? My jeans were really snug around my butt. It was getting to be a problem zipping them up and buttoning them. My chest looks different too. My nipples are almost an inch across now and my pecs seem to be fuller and more rounded. They must stick out a couple of inches now. So I invested in some baggy pants and shirts. I'm certainly no fashion plate but at least I'm comfortable now. Before, after I struggled to finally get my jeans on they would be so tight I could hardly breathe. I could get comfortable by unbuttoning them and unzipping them a little, but then my tummy would bulge out in a soft rounded little white swell and I didn't want people to see that. Like, it was OK when I was at home just reading or watching TV. But certainly not while walking around the mall or at school. Actually, when I'm home by myself, I like to unzip my jeans and let my tummy swell outward. I take my fingertips and trace around my nipples, letting them become fully erect. Then on down to my navel, slowly and gently massaging the soft white swelling that is my lower belly now, and on down into my crotch where I play with my dick and rub the insides of my thighs. That feels so good in a way that I never noticed before.

May 22nd - Kirsten and I are still going out. But we're not having sex any more. We go to movies and walk around the mall and look in stores a lot. I used to hate to go shopping - like I'd figure out what I needed before I left home, run into a store, get what I needed, and hurry on to the next store. Lately I've decided to relax and look around a little more. So Kirsten and I spend a lot of time checking out the clothing stores. She's telling me all about the fabrics and colors and styles and stuff that I never cared about before. Now it's kinda interesting. This afternoon we were walking thru a cosmetics department and she picked up a sample of perfume and squirted me with it. Wow, did I smell sweet. When I got home that evening mom took one whiff and said "...Why Steve, I like that scent that you're wearing. It's very nice on you..." Funny mom. Kirsten told me today that my voice sounds different lately - a little softer and higher pitched. I hadn't noticed any change. I think she's wrong.