Chapter 1

It had been a week now since we moved in, but still I was a stranger in my new home. My thoughts drifted back again to the place I left behind like so many times before. My old familiar friends, the school, the park. It all faded in in and out of my mind as I watched the small boats in the harbor bob gently up and down. Oceans waves crashed ashore behind me, momentarily silencing the playful screams of the children. The sun was setting on the long days of summer, soon there would be another school year starting. I would be the "new" kid. That was something I didn't want to face. I wanted to run away, back to my home. Back to a place where people knew my name. A place where I didn't have to "make" new friends. One where they had been made long ago.

Now, this boardwalk was my only friend, my place of refuge. But I was alone here. Until another long shadow on the wood slowly merged with mine. She stood next to me and watched out over the little cove, not saying a word. Then the screeching of seagulls above made us both jump.

"God did that scare me!" She broke the silence.

I turned to face her. "Yeah, it scared me too." It was hard to face what I could only dream of looking like. A face that was something out of a fashion magazine. She seemed to glow in the warmth of the afternoon sun with her blond hair blowing wildly in the ocean breeze. I could only look with envy at a body that filled perfectly every girl's dream. A thousand miles from my mine, I desperately wanted it to go away. Did they all look like this in California? Everyone from back home seemed to think that way. I could only hope that they were wrong.

Then came the words I dreaded to hear. "So... Are you new here?"

"Umm..." I looked down almost in tears. "Yeah".

"I don't mean to be nosey... but I've noticed you been coming here every day around the same time. I wanted to get to know you. I know what it's like... to be in a new place."

There was no way to hold back the sobs and tears from coming, they gushed out of me like a river. A hand reached over and covered mine. "I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you."

"It's Ok." I tried to snap out of it. "I really have to go, my parents still have this thing about me being out in the dark." It was hard to lie to her.

"Will you be back tomorrow?" She asked.

"Uh... OK." I smiled. The red sky was fading into darkness as I slowly walked away.

"Oh, my name's Jenny. What's yours?"

I called back to her as I continued down the boardwalk. "Sarah."

"See you tomorrow, Sarah."

Summers were long here, longer than summer vacations. Only three weeks were left until school started, a thought that haunted me throughout the next day.

I could see Jenny in a circle of people gathered on the beach sand. She waved, motioning for me to come over while I walked down the boardwalk. I shook my head shyly. Why would they want to talk to me anyway? She was just trying to be nice. She must be incredibly popular, I thought. Every guy around would be trying to get her attention while I would be ignored with occasional small talk to make me feel included. That's how it would work. No thanks.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see a figure getting up and running over.

"Hi Sarah!" Jenny jumped up on the wooden deck. "Would you like to meet some of my friends."

"Not right now." I answered. "I'm still having a really hard time here."

Jenny looked into my eyes. "Can we talk about it? Hey, you want to take a walk down the beach?"

I followed her out across the sand with the wind blowing her long white dress. A white which contrasted against a whole summer of suntan. My bare feet felt like they were on fire when we finally reached the water's edge. It was such a beautiful place, why couldn't I enjoy it? I kept thinking about how left out I felt.

"Where are you from?" Her voice was soft and yet strong.

"Nebraska, from a really small farm town. Hey, I'm sorry about not wanting to meet your friends, it's too intimidating for me. Everyone here is so... well more attractive than me." I looked down at the hard wet sand as we walked.

She stopped, putting her hand under my chin. I couldn't avoid her gaze. Those wild eyes of hers seemed to be ablaze. "I think your pretty."

"Do you real-" The sudden roar of an incoming waved drowned out my words. She grabbed my hand running and pulled me away from the rising tide. Was it the warmth I felt against the cold water surrounding me that touched me so deeply? That made me feel so alive inside and so full with feelings. Just as suddenly as she had held me for that brief moment, her hand was gone, leaving me with a sense that there was still so much more.

We both sat down in sand, still out of breath with laughter. The sun was now a half circle on the horizon. Jenny held out her hand. "Can we be friends?"

"OK." Our handshake lingered on a little longer than usual before I answered. "Do you really think I'm pretty, or are you just trying to make me feel better?"

Jenny returned something between a smile and a frown. Her look turned more serious when she spoke. "Of course I was serious. You have a kind of special glow... like a wholesomeness. It's hard to describe. I hope I'm not embarrassing you or anything."

"It's funny, I don't mind being a little embarrassed with you. I feel like I can trust you."

"Isn't that what friends are for?" She made little circles in the sand with feet like she was writing something. We moved toward each other slowly and hugged. Those feelings welled up inside of me again like a spring. Our bodies as one, I felt waves of emotion pass between us. But it was too uncomfortable for me to have those feelings with her, so I pulled away ashamed. There was a look of understanding on her face that told me everything was all right. I needed someone to tell me I was all right. It was that strange mixture of warm romantic feelings of love and the shameful guilt of having them with another girl that made me feel confused. What was wrong with me? Or was there anything?

Jenny noticed my quietness as I stared out to sea. "What's wrong, Sarah?"

"Oh, nothing..." I could tell that answer wasn't going to work. "OK, this is really going to be hard."

Jenny reached out and gently held my trembling hand. "It's OK. You can trust me."

I knew she was right. "I... I have some feelings when I'm with you, It's not like love or anything, don't worry. It's probably because I'm so needy right now, so insecure about fitting in with everyone, going to school, it's just really har..." I broke into tears again. "I'm really sorry Jenny... I don't mean to be this way."

"Can I hold you?" She held her arms open and her eyes seemed to beckon me.

I slid over into her enveloping embrace. It felt even more wonderful in her arms crying like a baby. Through my teary eyes I watched the last rays of sunlight disappear into the waves as she slowly rocked me back and forth. At last my tide of my tears had subsided.

"Jenny?" I whispered. "Do you have a lot of boyfriends?"

She chuckled, throwing her long hair back. "They only want one thing, to get into my pants, I'm tired of it. There just seem so immature at our age. They don't know anything about real love."

"Do you?... Know about real love, I mean." I blushed.

"I know a few things, mostly self taught. But I'd like to learn more. How about you?"

I stared up at the passing seagulls. "Yeah, I think there's probably a lot to know. I've read a few things, but that's about it." I knew there had been a lot of changes going on over the last few years. Being a teenager was really hard, I knew that. I felt so alone. My parents, well they tried to help, but they didn't really understand what I was going through. I just need someone to help me find out who I am, I thought, while the sky overhead slowly turned from blue to black.

There were new excuses why I needed to go. But mostly I was just getting to uncomfortable. It was really threatening to let someone get this close to me, not just physically, but emotionally too. Jenny had broken through some sort of barrier with me, I can't explain it.

"Tomorrow?" asked Jenny.

I nodded, walking away into the twilight sand.

I hadn't told anyone about her. Not that there was a lot of people to tell anyway. That would probably spoil all those tender feelings I was having as I lay in my bed thinking about Jenny. About how we would meet again at the boardwalk again at the same time, my special friend. My secret friend.

Another day had dawned with the light streaming in through the window. I sat on the edge of my bed contemplating the coming school year. The passing of the seasons was always a sad time for me, especially when summer turned to autumn. Like a sunset, it was watching something you love go away. I had seen enough of that when we had said goodbye to everything I had ever known. It was easy for me to imagine my friends. How they envied me because I was moving to a place they could only dream of or watch on TV. And I had shared that same excitement too. Now I would trade places with any of them.

Then my thoughts found their way back to Jenny. Jenny. My sweet memories of her still lingered as I rummaged through my drawers in search of something to wear. High above from my window, the view of the beach was beautiful. Only a handful of people were there now to walk their dogs or jog. Each day would bring fewer and fewer of them to our little seaside town. Just another way to say the summer was over I guess.

I never gave what I wore that much thought, but I couldn't decide today. Was it because of her? I stirred through my suitcase, still opened in the middle of the floor. It was packed with warmer clothes like wool skirts and sweaters. Remembering how cold it had been last night, I put aside a skirt and matching sweater for later. So what would Jenny think is pretty? Probably nothing that would look good on me. We dressed so differently. She to show off all that she had and me to hide all that I didn't have. I would spend most of this day as I had with others, sitting around in my room. Time could only drag along with the anxiety of my coming meeting with Jenny. I put on the pleated wool skirt and a pretty white blouse with a lace collar. Then a sweater with embroidered flowers on it. The whole thing looked kind of preppie. Suddenly I just didn't like any of my clothes and wished that Jenny was here so I could just ask her to help me.

I could see her occupying my usual spot on the boardwalk as I approached. There was a big warm smile and a wave when she saw me coming. Her raised hand shielded the setting sun as she spoke. "Hi! Cute outfit." A thumb went up.

"Thanks." I grinned, enjoying her attention. She was wearing a pair of tight fitting jeans today with a t-shirt. A sweater was draped over her shoulders with sleeves tied together in front of her. We looked into each others eyes for what seemed like an eternity.