Chapter 45

Ryan pulled into his driveway, Robby in the passenger seat next to him. Neither said anything. He stopped the car but didn't turn off the ignition. Robby didn't get out, just sat there.

"Um, I'll be back later," he told him.

Robby looked at him. "Where are you going?"

Ryan shrugged. "I'll be back."

Robby unbuckled his seat belt and slowly got out of the car. Ryan watched him as he disappeared into the house.

He felt numb as he backed out of the driveway. He felt helpless, like a child. Hollow, that's how he felt.

Jen was tired, but she couldn't go to sleep yet. She still had four chapters to do for math, plus at least three hours of work in English. She'd been up late the night before doing her physics. She hated physics. She wished she still had Ryan's notes. She'd lost them, she figured. She had had a dream that Ryan came and took them away in the middle of the night, but she didn't think about it much; she only bothered to be annoyed that she'd lost them.

She'd gotten behind in all her classes, but her teachers were all sympathetic. She had always been a good student, and they were going to let her make up her work. She told herself she could do it, kept prodding herself along as she wanted to give up. She looked over at a pile of large envelopes on her desk, ripped from when they had been opened. Pleased to tell her that she had been accepted. Accepted. Accepted.

And the reply had been the same from the school where Ryan was going. Accepted. That had been what she had wanted. It was a great school, and a huge school. But she couldn't go there. It was impossible now. But her second choice was just as good, even more prestigious actually, though it was smaller. And it was out of state.

She tried to picture her dorm, her roommate a faceless figure welcoming her. She thought of the things she would put on her wall. Pictures of Dana, and her parents, and Danny, and Melissa. Dana--her best friend. She knew Dana, she hoped she'd accept her apology, no problems. The other people she had hurt with her attitude, Melissa, and her parents, she hoped they would forgive her as well. She knew Melissa she could just call one day, it's not like she had ever fought with any of her friends really; she had just sort of been ignoring them for Kasey's crowd for awhile. She knew who her true friends were.

But Matt, she'd hurt Matt. She promised herself she would talk to him, really talk to him, before she left. She would always feel horrible for the way she had treated him, and how much she must have hurt him. She vowed again to apologize to him before she left.

Before she left--she thought about that again. Her mind wandered back to her new home, and all the people she would meet. No boyfriend to worry about across the country, no worrying if he had found someone better. But another image crept into her mind, a faceless guy, maybe one who lived across the hall from her. She imagined watching movies in his room, and studying with him as they groaned about their professors.

She smiled, starting to get excited. See, she told herself, aren't you glad you never killed yourself? That would have been so lame, she thought. My life is just beginning.

She tried to picture herself married, to yet another faceless guy. She imagined herself in the grocery store, maybe running into her old high school boyfriend, Ryan Harper. They would be cordial, and talk about their jobs and their spouses. And their kids.

Then she would go home to her family. See, she thought again, my life is just beginning. She forced herself back to her work, pushing thoughts she didn't want to hear out of her head.

Jen took a break from studying to watch The Late Show and get something to eat. She was sitting on her couch eating cereal when she saw headlights through the curtains and heard a motor. Her heart skipped a beat.

She returned her gaze to the television screen. She wasn't going to go running out the door for him. She took a few more bites. The doorbell hadn't rung.

Hmm, she thought. The gate was open, maybe it was just someone turning around in her driveway. She finished her cereal. She watched TV some more, still wondering about the headlights and the motor she had heard. She had to return to her studying anyway.

She got up and peeked through the kitchen window. Sure enough, it was there, a very familiar blue Bronco. She squinted, and saw him. He was still sitting in his car, his head on the steering wheel.

For a second she wondered if he was hurt. Nah he couldn't be. He was still sitting there. But she didn't go out to see him. She went back down and sat on the couch, her mind spinning.

But wait a minute, she thought. This is my house, he's in my driveway. I have more than a right to see why he is here and what he wants. It doesn't mean I'm crawling back to him.

She went back to the window, wondering if maybe he had driven away without her knowing. No, he was still there. She opened the front door, shivering from the cold night air. He didn't look up as she walked around his car to the driver's side door. He still didn't look up as she stood there. She rapped on the window and said his name.

He sat up, looking at her slowly. She made a motion for him to roll down the window. He did, his eyes swollen and red. She tried to keep her cool.

"What's up?" she asked. It came out gently.

He looked down at his hands on the steering wheel. He shook his head.

"Why are you here?"

Ryan paused. "I-I can't," he croaked.

"Can't what?" God, it felt weird to talk to him again.

"Say it," he told her, looking at her. "I'm not here to try to make you come back to me Jen, so you know," he added.

"Yeah?"

He nodded. He looked up at the roof of his car. "It's not me, it-it's Will."

"Will?" she asked, startled. "What's the matter with Will?"

He shook his head, crying again as he put his head back down on the wheel.

She opened the door. "Come on, get out. Tell me!"