Chapter 39

How long had she been with Kasey? A month? She couldn't remember. But was she really going out with him? She knew she'd look like a fool if she asked. She hadn't slept with him, although she almost had. They had made out a few times, more than a few. To be honest, he didn't seem all that interested in her actually. It hurt deep down, but she knew that maybe that was just his way, cool about everything, even love.

Love? Echh, love was crap. Probably she couldn't ever experience love. Maybe what she had experienced with Ryan hadn't been love either. Really, she thought, anybody can be with anybody else, it's just nature.

She felt guilty about how behind she was getting in school. Her parents were on her all the time, and she constantly told them to fuck off. She just didn't care about anything anymore, but part of her wanted to scream for an hour non-stop.

Why hadn't she slept with Kasey yet? Probably the timing had always been wrong, they were always being interrupted. But there was a party that Friday night at his friend's house. Then he would probably realize how much she meant to him. I want him, she thought, closing her eyes. She tried to imagine sex with him, and planned on doing it Friday.

Kasey and his friends picked her up Friday evening, and they all started to drink as soon as they got to his friends house. He'd gotten three kegs, plus hard alcohol. She kept getting separated from him; every time she turned around he was gone. But she got drunker and drunker, wondering when he would just relax and they could go into a bedroom.

Whenever she did see him she started kissing him, so out of it. He acted annoyed, not nearly as drunk as she. He kept telling her to sit down. She pouted, but he didn't notice. She felt stupid; pouting was something she would do with Ryan, kidding with him to get her way. Then she was annoyed at him, thinking what a fool he was to tell her to sit down when he could get laid instead. She felt numb as she sat on the couch by herself. She stared at nothing for a long while.

Finally Jen forced herself to get up and find him after several minutes of telling her body to get up but remaining on the couch. Where was he? She looked for him everywhere, asking every one she saw if they had seen Kasey. Most of them had no idea who Kasey was, but finally she found his friend Jeremy.

She grabbed his arm, trying to flirt though too drunk to really do anything right. "Where is he?" she demanded.

"Where's who?" he asked, annoyed.

"Kasey," she whined.

He looked amused. "Oh, he's got some girl in my bedroom."

She was stunned, standing there like a rock. "What?" she said. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, he's got some girl in there! I don't know who she is. He's probably fucking her, who knows or cares."

She stared at his chin, eye level with it.

"What, what's your problem? You're drunk off your ass, that's what your problem is."

She shook her head. "Take me home. I wanna go home."

"What? I ain't fuckin' taking you home! Forget it."

She still stood there in front of him.

"What? Oh hey, you like Kasey?"

She looked him in the eyes, feeling like the biggest fool on the planet. "No," she denied.

"Ha ha, yes you do!" he laughed. "You like him! Well, I don't think he cares much about Hillary or whatever her name is, so if he's not too drunk you can be next!"

"Fuck you," she muttered, walking away. She wanted to go home, but didn't even know where she was, and had no money for a cab. She sat back on the couch, determined not to cry as someone gave her another beer.