Chapter 3

Matt dreaded Monday. He wanted to see her again, but was scared she would ridicule him in front of the whole school or tell him she hated him. What if Erik said something to her? He avoided his friends, Mike especially. He knew he'd be pressured for more details, and he regretted saying as much as he had already. His plan was to ignore her completely, make her think he didn't care. Nothing could be further from the truth.

As it turns out, he needn't have worried about facing her Monday; she didn't go. They were both on the track team after school. Would she go at all?

By the end of the day, he was praying she wouldn't. Erik had told all of their friends. Everyone knew. God, he hated himself for telling. Why the hell did he have to tell? Knowing his friends, they'd probably go up to her and ask her if it was true the first chance they got. She'd hate him then, definitely hate him if she didn't already.

First period Spanish on Tuesday this guy Chad came in and said to him, "Hey Matt--I just saw your senior girlfriend. So you guys going out or what?"

Shit, she's here! he thought. "No," he said, exasperated.

"Why not?"

"Shut up... "

That's what it was like the rest of the day: people saying shit like that to him, people looking at him, talking about him. He felt like a celebrity in a sick way, most guys were jealous, he knew.

He saw her briefly at lunch time, from a distance, going into the parking lot with Dana and some guy Jake. Erik asked him about Saturday night, if he'd gotten any more and he had to admit he hadn't. He hadn't told anybody what happened though. She probably already knows I've told, he thought. He wished he could just fast forward his life six months, a year. It'll be over by then he knew, people will have forgotten this by then.

After school he was unbelievably nervous. He felt like he was going to throw up. She went to practice. She ignored him completely, not even a glance in his direction. She hates me, he thought, she fucking hates me.

He was sitting with a couple of his friends, Terry and Michael, on the grass at one point. Jen had to go talk to the coach about something. She had no choice but to walk by him. She's coming this way, he thought in a panic. Suddenly his hands had a mind of their own, pulling grass out by the handfuls. His heart raced. Of course his friends had pointed her out to him when she showed up. They'd said, "God, Matt, aren't you going to go talk to her?" Now he prayed they would keep their mouths shut.

Terry saw her coming their way first, and started poking Matt and laughing. She stared straight ahead and ignored them.

"Aren't you going to talk to Matt?" asked Michael loudly. She ignored him, she was already talking to the coach, but he knew she must have heard.

"Shut up!" he told him. "Leave her alone."

He glanced at her. She was still talking the coach. The coach nodded, then walked past the boys sitting on the grass.

Jen had to walk by them again. Matt wanted to run away as she started to, but he wasn't about to leave them alone with her.

"Gonna ignore us are you?" asked Michael acidly.

She finally looked at Michael, her eyes wide.

"So, I hear you suck dick."

Her eyes widened even more and she stopped walking. She swallowed, looking at Matt. She blinked a few times. He just stared at her, stunned.

She bit her lip, her eyes filled with tears. Matt wanted to die. "Shut up," he mumbled to him.

Terry was cracking up. "Hey, can I come over? You got a dope body," he said, looking her up and down. She ignored him, she kept staring at Matt, her eyes brimming with tears.

"Shut up!" was all Matt could manage. He looked down at his hands, God, why can't she stop staring at me like that? He looked up again, meeting her steady gaze. Her eyes suddenly turned hostile, no longer sad. Her chest heaved up and down. Matt was petrified she was going to scream, "I HATE YOU!" at the top of her lungs. Instead, she spun on her heels and walked away.

His friends were busy laughing.

"Fuck you!" he said to them angrily.

"Hey, we were only kidding man," said Terry.

"Fuck you!" Matt yelled. He got his bag from the bench and left, wanting to kill himself as he peddled furiously home. He thought how easy it would be to swerve into traffic. He almost did it too, he'd never hated himself so much.

For the next week they completely avoided each other. Matt still thought about her constantly of course. His parents, knowing he was upset, pretty much left him alone. Mike wasn't talking to him though. He ignored Matt in class. Shit, what did I do? he thought.

The following Monday, he said hi to her. It was a huge deal to Matt. Any "sighting" or actual confrontation with her was played out over and over in his mind. She was walking out of the girl's room during 4th period; Matt was going into the boy's room right next to it. She seemed startled when she saw him and just stared at him. He somehow found his voice and out came a "Hi." She looked down and mumbled hi back as she walked away.